Dating confusion

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

I guess I use to like like him too but I’ve stopped all feelings since the summertime so that I can concentrate on the work relationship and since he’s turned distant. Then he told me he’s dating so that’s when I felt rejected and sad. 

Can you explain how you were able to consciously "stop all feelings"?   I'm not understanding that.

Feelings are typically not something one can consciously just stop or turn on and off like a light switch. 

One can decide they don't want to date a particular person for whatever reason, but the feelings still exist at least for awhile until enough time passes and/or they meet someone else.

What's confusing is why, since you stopped having feelings, you felt rejected and sad?  

People who no longer have feelings are indifferent, it wouldn't matter to them one way or the other whether the other person started dating someone else or not

So no, that part doesn't make sense to me.

In any event, at this point, I now agree with @glows -- "Distance yourself and keep things simple. Try not to think too much about what he does or wants. Have better boundaries here. You work together but have a cordial work relationship. Leave it at that."

All the best moving forward!  

 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[CuriousSara]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Can you explain how you were able to consciously "stop all feelings"?   I'm not understanding that.

Feelings are typically not something one can consciously just stop or turn on and off like a light switch. 

One can decide they don't want to date a particular person for whatever reason, but the feelings still exist at least for awhile until enough time passes and/or they meet someone else.

What's confusing is why, since you stopped having feelings, you felt rejected and sad?  

People who no longer have feelings are indifferent, it wouldn't matter to them one way or another whether the other person started dating someone else or not

That part doesn't make sense to me.

In any event, at this point, I now agree with @glows -- "Distance yourself and keep things simple. Try not to think too much about what he does or wants. Have better boundaries here. You work together but have a cordial work relationship. Leave it at that."

All the best moving forward. 

 

 

 

I can’t explain how I stop the feelings but I guess I didn’t completely hence the sadness and feelings of rejection. I will try my best to keep it simple with better boundaries. Hopefully it will work out professionally and there won’t be any reason to worry or think about it anymore. Thanks again. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

 I guess I didn’t completely hence the sadness and feelings of rejection.

It's ok to be disappointed if you hoped it would evolve into something but didn't. Try to date outside of work. Also try not to view friendliness as a sign of hope, since you opted to maintain the business relationship.

On 11/23/2022 at 11:43 PM, CuriousSara said:

went out casually about 5 times totally.  I’m confused because we didn’t really date it was just a handful of casual meetings.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, CuriousSara said:

I use to like like him too but I’ve stopped all feelings

Sara. Time to get real with yourself for a moment. 

It's very obvious you still like him. If we can see it though a screen, he can definitely sense it in real life. I promise you. Either way, he's made a choice and it wasn't you. That stings, naturally, but this is why you need to keep boundaries now. No reason to answer his calls at 9am on days off. Keep all interactions professional and during normal working hours. 

 

[CuriousSara]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sara. Time to get real with yourself for a moment. 

It's very obvious you still like him. If we can see it though a screen, he can definitely sense it in real life. I promise you. Either way, he's made a choice and it wasn't you. That stings, naturally, but this is why you need to keep boundaries now. No reason to answer his calls at 9am on days off. Keep all interactions professional and during normal working hours. 

 

Exactly so why does he bother calling me at 9am on a day off, that’s wrong on his part no?

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

Exactly so why does he bother calling me at 9am on a day off, that’s wrong on his part no?

Unless he is single, the reasons make zero difference. 

I wouldn't waste this much energy analyzing it. 

[CuriousSara]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unless he is single, the reasons make zero difference. 

I wouldn't waste this much energy analyzing it. 

Okay, in a few days I’ve been able to work this out and not waste any more time analyzing it. Happy this forum is available, it really helped me talked this out. Thank you.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

Exactly so why does he bother calling me at 9am on a day off, that’s wrong on his part no?

It's only wrong on his part if he was being romantic, sexual or overly friendly.  From what you wrote, he did none of that.

[IrinaM]

sara have you considered breaking off the entire relationship, both social and professional, and moving on with your life? This doesn't sound very healthy.

Since you're a freelancer, could you just finish up the work you're doing and then let him know he needs to replace you?

This just sounds so uncomfortable, working with someone you went out with and his new girlfriend. I know sometimes people get stuck in situations like these but it seems like you can walk away.

[glows]

Calling more than once is a bit excessive and then reminding you he called is redundant and as if he was making small talk. Most people leave a message and move on with the weekend. The other person calls or texts back and end of story. It’s not clear how the conversation progressed after that. He may like the attention because he knows you have feelings for him, is confused or confusing and as mentioned it all doesn’t matter.

He has a girlfriend so continuing to support a fantasy that he likes you really goes nowhere. Asking leading questions about his behaviour trying to put light on the idea that he has feelings for you also goes nowhere. Talking about it with him is too much and unnecessary. There isn’t anything to discuss. Try not to overreact about anything he says or does. He hasn’t done anything inappropriate but he’s also unfortunately taking up way too much space in your head. 

If you’re going to choose to keep the business relationship, I suggest letting this blow over and try to remain professional. As for romance wouldn’t you rather be in the company of someone who is interested in dating you?

Edited November 27, 2022 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

You are contradicting yourself quite dramatically.  Early in the thread: 

On 11/24/2022 at 2:24 AM, CuriousSara said:

I definitely did not have a crush or showed any signs of liking him in that way.

Now you're talking about sadness, rejection, and how you both need to move on.

Move on from what?  You never dated.  

It's unhealthy and actually destructive to indulge in this type of fantasy involving people who are in your everyday life.  Successful, highly functional people do NOT go along with their  special intuition when it's telling them the exact opposite of what a person actually said to them.   They make the choice to listen to what a person tells them and behave accordingly.  

This guy told you he has chosen to have a relationship with this other woman.  He never did anything to advance a relationship with you.  Regardless of what your "gut,"  your fantasies,  or someone here tells you about the man's feelings, why do you resist dealing with things as he has presented them to you?  

Even if it happens to be true that he's struggling with a giant love for you, which is what you want to believe, you NEED to listen to his words and function based upon those.   

If he wants to give dating you a shot, he knows how to get in touch with you.  He needs to break up with his girlfriend first.  Don't hold your breath.

[CuriousSara]

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

sara have you considered breaking off the entire relationship, both social and professional, and moving on with your life? This doesn't sound very healthy.

Since you're a freelancer, could you just finish up the work you're doing and then let him know he needs to replace you?

This just sounds so uncomfortable, working with someone you went out with and his new girlfriend. I know sometimes people get stuck in situations like these but it seems like you can walk away.

Hi IrinaM, Yes I could walk away from the work it’s not what I want but if it continues like this I may choose  to leave. I sensed something was up since August and then he told me about her last week. So it’s been one full week and now he’s comfortable. So in a way I feel used too because he’s doing what he wants as far as calling and socializing with me when he wants and I have to play along. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you but it’s awkward and again he really didn’t need to share it with me. Although I knew something was up I wouldn’t have mentioned it and was continuing my work just fine. Why he mentioned it still doesn’t make sense to me. So it’s up to me to continue work or not and ignore his small talk and hopefully do well and not be bothered with his silliness.

[CuriousSara]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Calling more than once is a bit excessive and then reminding you he called is redundant and as if he was making small talk. Most people leave a message and move on with the weekend. The other person calls or texts back and end of story. It’s not clear how the conversation progressed after that. He may like the attention because he knows you have feelings for him, is confused or confusing and as mentioned it all doesn’t matter.

He has a girlfriend so continuing to support a fantasy that he likes you really goes nowhere. Asking leading questions about his behaviour trying to put light on the idea that he has feelings for you also goes nowhere. Talking about it with him is too much and unnecessary. There isn’t anything to discuss. Try not to overreact about anything he says or does. He hasn’t done anything inappropriate but he’s also unfortunately taking up way too much space in your head. 

If you’re going to choose to keep the business relationship, I suggest letting this blow over and try to remain professional. As for romance wouldn’t you rather be in the company of someone who is interested in dating you?

Yes, would much rather date someone that’s interested in me. I agree with you, he probably loves the attention but now after hearing and reading everyone’s opinion I’m pissed and plan to concentrate on the work part and not waste anymore of my time on him. It’s too much for me and he’s not worth it.

[CuriousSara]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You are contradicting yourself quite dramatically.  Early in the thread: 

Now you're talking about sadness, rejection, and how you both need to move on.

Move on from what?  You never dated.  

It's unhealthy and actually destructive to indulge in this type of fantasy involving people who are in your everyday life.  Successful, highly functional people do NOT go along with their  special intuition when it's telling them the exact opposite of what a person actually said to them.   They make the choice to listen to what a person tells them and behave accordingly.  

This guy told you he has chosen to have a relationship with this other woman.  He never did anything to advance a relationship with you.  Regardless of what your "gut,"  your fantasies,  or someone here tells you about the man's feelings, why do you resist dealing with things as he has presented them to you?  

Even if it happens to be true that he's struggling with a giant love for you, which is what you want to believe, you NEED to listen to his words and function based upon those.   

If he wants to give dating you a shot, he knows how to get in touch with you.  He needs to break up with his girlfriend first.  Don't hold your breath.

I’m not planning on holding my breath. It’s his problem and his fantasy more than mine. He’s the one that disappeared and then called etc. He has the issue as far as I understand ,why should I always feel bad or wrong when I didn’t do anything. Even if I kinda of liked him or had a crush on him doesn’t mean I acted  inappropriately or caused any difficulties for him and her. So he can hold his breath and work on his issue but it definitely doesn’t have anything to do with me.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

 So in a way I feel used too because he’s doing what he wants as far as calling and socializing with me when he wants and I have to play along. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you but it’s awkward and again he really didn’t need to share it with me.

Why is it awkward?   Why do you feel used?   In late summer, you decided that he wasn't the guy for you.  That's totally fair.   Now he's moved on and told you out of courtesy (which is not unusual when one is still seeing a person they once dated) so also totally fair.   He's now treating you as both a friend and colleague.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

Yes, would much rather date someone that’s interested in me. 

You stated you only hung out casually 5 times and never dated him. So it's unclear why after all this time you haven't already met someone who you would like to date.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. It's really that simple. If you are upset, don't do business with him anymore. 

[Calmandfocused]

On 11/26/2022 at 1:00 AM, poppyfields said:

@CuriousSara, just my take but imo he's very into you, but has a girlfriend and as such he's conflicted.  VERY conflicted re his feelings.  Hence the mixed messages. 

The reason he unloads about his girlfriend is not because he thinks YOU are crushing on him but rather HE is crushing on you and when he states out loud to you he has a girlfriend, he feels less guilty.

It is also his attempt to convince himself there's nothing between you, when there most certainly IS, he knows it and you know it.

Oh the tangled web. 

What do you plan on doing? 

Exactly! He’s attracted to you. He knows it and his girlfriend knows it. That’s why it’s awkward. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You stated you only hung out casually 5 times and never dated him. So it's unclear why after all this time you haven't already met someone who you would like to date.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. It's really that simple. If you are upset, don't do business with him anymore. 

I’m also curious to know what will happen once you meet someone. The gf will be happy and probably warm to you a bit. 
 

He’ll be seething! 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/23/2022 at 11:43 PM, CuriousSara said:

He said he started dating someone, the shop girl his ex from 5 years ago. 

It seems like there was a bit of mutual attraction that didn't work out. Is the woman he's now seeing from the same culture/religion as a he is? There seems to be a tight family unit with his family working in the business. In other words, it may have nothing to do with you and he doesn't want to  stop doing business with you if as long as you both benefit from it.

[CuriousSara]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like there was a bit of mutual attraction that didn't work out. Is the woman he's now seeing from the same culture/religion as a he is? There seems to be a tight family unit with his family working in the business. In other words, it may have nothing to do with you and he doesn't want to  stop doing business with you if as long as you both benefit from it.

Hi, Yes, she is the same religion and culture as he is and she seems very casual and comfortable with the family. When I first saw her at the shop I was surprised how she was dressed. She seems unkept and not caring about her clothes or looks. I thought odd for a new sales lady to be so indifferent with her looks and so comfortable with him too. Also the way they interact with each other seems like an old married couple. She also sometimes clings to him oddly for a salesgirl.  I was surprised when I saw her working there because they  are already well staffed with family members. There’s  an older woman I’ve seen from the start working there but I have no idea who she is but I see a resemblance to the girlfriend.  Possibly it’s her mother.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

Also the way they interact with each other seems like an old married couple

To be fair, you know very little about them. You have no idea how they interact behind closed doors. And even if they do interact like "an old married couple," they're still choosing each other and seem content with the arrangement. Resist the urge to pass judgment on a situation you don't know really anything about. 

I would turn your focus to meeting an available man, and keeping personal distance from this one. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

Yes, she is the same religion and culture as he is and she seems very casual and comfortable with the family.

If they are a tight inclusive culture/religion, he is going to date someone with the same background. It doesn't matter how she dresses or how they act in the store. He picked her, she's his GF. They sound happy and comfortable  with each other. Consider that working for a family business as an outsider can be difficult, but then again you're only there a few times a week. If the jealousy becomes an issue, just gracefully step away.

[CuriousSara]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If they are a tight inclusive culture/religion, he is going to date someone with the same background. It doesn't matter how she dresses or how they act in the store. He picked her, she's his GF. They sound happy and comfortable  with each other. Consider that working for a family business as an outsider can be difficult, but then again you're only there a few times a week. If the jealousy becomes an issue, just gracefully step away.

Of course, stepping away is always an option. Time will tell sooner or later. I’m only observing and do not know the details or dynamic’s  of their relationship . So far our business relationship is good and that’s the most important.

[glows]

8 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

Yes, would much rather date someone that’s interested in me. I agree with you, he probably loves the attention but now after hearing and reading everyone’s opinion I’m pissed and plan to concentrate on the work part and not waste anymore of my time on him. It’s too much for me and he’s not worth it.

Yes, focus on this. Be busy with your life whatever it is you choose. You don’t have to date someone either just because someone else isn’t interested in you.

Find more worthy endeavours. Volunteer, meet new people and plan a trip for yourself. Go explore and widen your range or horizon. Gain more perspectives from others or simply do more things for yourself. The problem with this situation is it sounds like he’s the center of your universe. If he’s in the same room with his girlfriend you have to observe them? Why? Look at your work and see how things can be improved. Start thinking about branching out or getting word out there about your business. Do things for your business. Spend less time observing these people. It’s fine to observe others but know when to stop and shift to other things that need your attention. Aren’t you curious about how you can make your business more successful? 

If you can change your mindset and priorities you don’t have to leave but weigh the possibilities and advantages of leaving too. 

[CuriousSara]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, focus on this. Be busy with your life whatever it is you choose. You don’t have to date someone either just because someone else isn’t interested in you.

Find more worthy endeavours. Volunteer, meet new people and plan a trip for yourself. Go explore and widen your range or horizon. Gain more perspectives from others or simply do more things for yourself. The problem with this situation is it sounds like he’s the center of your universe. If he’s in the same room with his girlfriend you have to observe them? Why? Look at your work and see how things can be improved. Start thinking about branching out or getting word out there about your business. Do things for your business. Spend less time observing these people. It’s fine to observe others but know when to stop and shift to other things that need your attention. Aren’t you curious about how you can make your business more successful? 

If you can change your mindset and priorities you don’t have to leave but weigh the possibilities and advantages of leaving too. 

I really like what you’ve shared with me. I’m very interested in working on my business and was hoping to do more with his place. But I see that may be more difficult now and will shift my focus a bit so that I can establish another partnership during the winter months. Your words are very encouraging and helpful. Thank you.