Dating confusion

[CuriousSara]

On 11/24/2022 at 4:15 PM, glows said:

Same to you, Sara. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Hi Everyone, So here’s the news. He tried calling me yesterday but didn’t leave a message. So I wrote to him Happy Thanksgiving shortly after he wrote back to wish me Happy holiday and added that he called me earlier in the day. Then this morning at 9am he calls me and I answered. He wished me Happy Thanksgiving again and started to tell me I’m doing well with the sales for the shop. Some small talk then he said again that he called me yesterday. I said yes I saw the call and that I was busy cooking with my mother.  Anyways nothing significant really but I don’t get why he bothered calling me over this long weekend especially since he has his family and girlfriend. I’m perplexed and would love everyone’s opinion. The call was a total of 2 minutes he was on the way to the grocery for Shabbat dinner tonight.  Thanks

[poppyfields]

@CuriousSara, just my take but imo he's very into you, but has a girlfriend and as such he's conflicted.  VERY conflicted re his feelings.  Hence the mixed messages. 

The reason he unloads about his girlfriend is not because he thinks YOU are crushing on him but rather HE is crushing on you and when he states out loud to you he has a girlfriend, he feels less guilty.

It is also his attempt to convince himself there's nothing between you, when there most certainly IS, he knows it and you know it.

Oh the tangled web. 

What do you plan on doing? 

Edited November 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

A two minute conversation of small talk when he's on the fly - sounds like a simple little check in.  

May I ask why you're analysing his actions so much? 

Edited November 26, 2022 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I don't understand the motivation for this type of analysis.  Whatever - what does it matter?  If he is interested in you and can't get his stuff together enough to ask you out, then it doesn't matter at all ... does it?  If this bothers you and you want him to stop contacting you, ask him to do that.  

[glows]

He sounds like he’s comfortable talking with you or in your company. 

Unless he had a reason for the call I wouldn’t be comfortable with regular phone calls considering he has a girlfriend. Just distance yourself if you don’t feel good about it. You were busy anyway.

I wouldn’t stress about this. Carry on at work and keep the conversations more during work hours only. 

[CuriousSara]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@CuriousSara, just my take but imo he's very into you, but has a girlfriend and as such he's conflicted.  VERY conflicted re his feelings.  Hence the mixed messages. 

The reason he unloads about his girlfriend is not because he thinks YOU are crushing on him but rather HE is crushing on you and when he states out loud to you he has a girlfriend, he feels less guilty.

It is also his attempt to convince himself there's nothing between you, when there most certainly IS, he knows it and you know it.

Oh the tangled web. 

What do you plan on doing? 

Thank you for your post. I’m also sensing the same as you but somehow don’t believe it. I thought he told me about his girlfriend because he changed his mind about me at some point and decided to be with her. If he’s interested in me it’s a funny way of showing it. I’m going to continue working as normal and hopefully things will smooth out. I guess that’s the best and only thing to do as I’m not going to bring up anything regarding his feelings etc. Maybe after awhile he will be more comfortable  with his decision. I’m still uncomfortable around her but that too will pass. It’s interesting you see it like this but others are posting totally different viewpoints in here. Some are saying he’s not interested and I shouldn’t think twice about the scenario. That’s  odd too because this situation is part of life and to dismiss it and take it lightly is to live robotically and emotionless in my opinion. 

 

 

[CuriousSara]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

A two minute conversation of small talk when he's on the fly - sounds like a simple little check in.  

May I ask why you're analysing his actions so much? 

Hi, I’m not only analyzing his actions, I’m studying mine as well. I want to know what is happening between us and I wonder why I’m feeling and sensing all of it. It’s interesting to me and part of my life at the moment.

[CuriousSara]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't understand the motivation for this type of analysis.  Whatever - what does it matter?  If he is interested in you and can't get his stuff together enough to ask you out, then it doesn't matter at all ... does it?  If this bothers you and you want him to stop contacting you, ask him to do that.  

Hello, It doesn’t bother me that he contacts me, I’m cool with it. I was surprised he brought up his  dating news because I didn’t think he was into me since he became distant. If he can’t ask me out I’m ok with that too as he may be uncomfortable and shy about it. I’m on the shy side and know it so I let things happen. I like to know what others think and learn from all of you.

[CuriousSara]

1 hour ago, glows said:

He sounds like he’s comfortable talking with you or in your company. 

Unless he had a reason for the call I wouldn’t be comfortable with regular phone calls considering he has a girlfriend. Just distance yourself if you don’t feel good about it. You were busy anyway.

I wouldn’t stress about this. Carry on at work and keep the conversations more during work hours only. 

Thanks for your post. I’m going to carry on work and let it fall into place naturally. Maybe this is how it happens?

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

 I don’t get why he bothered calling me over this long weekend especially since he has his family and girlfriend. 

He's trying to be nice. Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving and mentioning you are doing well at work. This doesn't seem like a romantic thing. Although you seem to hope it is.

Edited November 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[CuriousSara]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's trying to be nice. Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving and mentioning you are doing well at work. This doesn't seem like a romantic thing. Although you seem to hope it is.

Yes, I do see your point. It’s nice of him to think of me but since he wanted to make it clear he’s dating and it may upset I think it’s best he doesn’t over do it . As calling me after ignoring me for so long seems unnecessary. If he was so concerned about my feelings he wouldn’t have left me feeling so awkward for 4 months since August. Actually it makes me feel confused as I originally stated. The good thing about this forum is I’m able to compare many various angles as it happening which helps me understand his ways. It’s important to me because I’m working with him and see him easily 2 to 3 times a week.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

 It’s important to me because I’m working with him and see him easily 2 to 3 times a week.

Try to shift your focus to viewing this as a professional relationship rather than a dating situation. He told you he has a GF, so keep it strictly business. Since you work there and are friends, there's nothing wrong with wishing you a happy holiday. 

The best thing you can do is get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting interested men, now that you are simply working for him. Try not to analyze his relationship with his GF. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

Thanks for your post. I’m going to carry on work and let it fall into place naturally. Maybe this is how it happens?

Yes, of course. He’s a business partner and colleague so have some boundaries in your work relationship. Don’t keep making this about the past and what he did and so on.

I’m not sure what you’re confused about. Make it not your business what goes on with him. Remember that you do have to work with this person and he’s not just a friend. 

[stillafool]

On 11/23/2022 at 11:43 PM, CuriousSara said:

He said he started dating someone, the shop girl his ex from 5 years ago. I asked if he is serious and he nodded yes. He said our business relationship will remain the same.

When a man tells me he's serious about the woman he's dating that is all I would need to hear.  Flirting, 2 minute calls to wish me Happy Holiday and give me a pat on the back about my work performance, or anything else that is going on with him would be null and void.   Doesn't matter because he's told me he's serious about someone else.  If my crush on him was so intense that I considered what he's doing part of my life, I would quit that job.  This sounds like unrequited love to me.

[CuriousSara]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When a man tells me he's serious about the woman he's dating that is all I would need to hear.  Flirting, 2 minute calls to wish me Happy Holiday and give me a pat on the back about my work performance, or anything else that is going on with him would be null and void.   Doesn't matter because he's told me he's serious about someone else.  If my crush on him was so intense that I considered what he's doing part of my life, I would quit that job.  This sounds like unrequited love to me.

Got it, absolutely. Feels like it to me. He shouldn’t be flirting or calling me about work especially over this weekend not necessary and seems a bit out of place. If he thinks I’m crushing on him and wants to make me feel better that’s really not the way to go about it. Just as Im trying to forget and move in he should too. As I mentioned before I was fine working with him even though I noticed a change in his behavior. He really didn’t need to clear the air for me, I did not show any signs of interest that I know of anyways.

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

I did not show any signs of interest that I know of anyways.

But you are interested otherwise this thread wouldn't exist and there'd be no confusion about these minor interactions because you wouldn't care.  I've worked for a very small company in the past and the owner did call me on Christmas day to wish me a Merry Christmas.  I don't think it's that strange considering it sounds like there's only about 4 or 5 or you that work there.  If your work is increasing his profits I'm sure he's very grateful.

Edited November 26, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

Got it, absolutely. Feels like it to me. He shouldn’t be flirting or calling me about work especially over this weekend not necessary and seems a bit out of place.

Got what?  I'm not understanding this sentence in response to my post.  I meant it seems like you are experiencing unrequited love not him.

[CuriousSara]

Just now, stillafool said:

But you are interested otherwise this thread wouldn't exist and there'd be no confusion about these minor interactions because you wouldn't care.  I've worked for a very small company in the past and the owner did call me on Christmas day to wish me a Merry Christmas.  I don't think it's that strange considering it sounds like there's only about 4 or 5 or you that work there.  If your work is increasing his profits I'm sure he's very grateful.

Yes, it’s increasing his profits and that’s a good thing. Yes I care and started this thread because I was confused and wanted to find out what others think too.

[CuriousSara]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Got what?  I'm not understanding this sentence in response to my post.  I meant it seems like you are experiencing unrequited love not him.

I see, well maybe this is why I’m confused about it. If I’m the one that has the crush and sending mixed messages,  it’s possibly best I take some time off and distant my work relationship until I get back into a professional relationship and my feeling don’t interfere?

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

 Yes I care and started this thread because I was confused and wanted to find out what others think too.

Yeah he's definitely sending mixed messages which strongly suggests he is conflicted.  At least on some level.

There is absolutely no reason for him to be reaching out to you and saying the things he says. 

And to think he's doing so to not lead you on makes no sense, you haven't done anything that would suggest to him you DO like him more than a friend or want more than friendship or a business relationship. 

HE is the one who likes you, THAT is his conflict since he has a girlfriend.

Life is not black and white, it's nuanced with many different shades of gray. 

Just because he has a gf, does NOT mean he does not have feelings for you. 

To me it's very clear he does.

In my experience, when men send mixed messages and/or say and do things that are confusing, there is some sort of conflict or fear happening within themselves and they need to work it out. 

This is a "him" issue, not a "you" issue and you can either ignore, block or initiate a conversation and find out what the heck is going on, assuming you care. 

Edited November 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[CuriousSara]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah he's definitely sending mixed messages which strongly suggests he is conflicted.  At least on some level.

There is absolutely no reason for him to be reaching out to you and saying the things he says. 

And to think he's doing so to not lead you on makes no sense, you haven't done anything that would suggest to him you DO like him more than a friend or want more than friendship or a business relationship. 

HE is the one who likes you, THAT is his conflict since he has a girlfriend.

Life is not black and white, it's nuanced with many different shades of gray. 

Just because he has a gf, does NOT mean he does not have feelings for you. 

To me it's very clear he does.

In my experience, when men send mixed messages and/or say and do things that are confusing, there is some sort of conflict or fear happening within themselves and they need to work it out. 

This is a "him" issue, not a "you" issue and you can either ignore, block or initiate a conversation and find out what the heck is going on, assuming you care. 

Thank you for your opinion. Life is definitely not black and white, it would be much easier to navigate if it was so. Any ideas how to initiate a conversation without seeming interested because I’m afraid it will seem or sound otherwise? For example I tried talking about all of this with a male friend to see his take on it and he immediately said he wanted to see if I have interest in him and that’s why he told me about his girlfriend. I rather get ideas from everyone in the forum instead because talking with friends and family drives me nuts. Most of them are saying he has interest but can’t express it and he’s mixed up etc. I felt sad and rejected initially only because he felt he had to tell me something I didn’t have to know about. I sincerely hope we can remain good friends and have a good working relationship because I think that it can be valuable for both of us.

[poppyfields]

If I may ask, what would you like to happen with him?  Like let's say he and his gf broke up, is your interest in him such that you'd consider dating him? 

My guess is he is as confused about you as you are about him.

I understand your hesitation because you risk jeopardizing your business relationship if it doesn't work out BUT all this back and forth, confusion and internal conflict you're both experiencing isn't good either. 

At some point, you're going to have to be real with each other.

Stop being afraid.  Talk to him, openly and honestly. 

Tell him his behavior is confusing. I would and have! 

Take a chance.  You won't get very far in life if you can't. 

Edited November 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

I felt sad and rejected initially only because he felt he had to tell me something I didn’t have to know about.

Sorry, not buying this. 

Why can't you admit (even if only to yourself for now) that you felt (and still feel) sad and rejected because you like him?  Because you have a romantic interest in him? 

I mean, face it, this thread would not exist if you didn't. 

What are you so afraid of? 

As stated previously, and what your friends who know you and the situation best also believe, he's most likely as confused about you as you are about him. 

Talk to him. Time to start being real, with yourself, and with him. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, CuriousSara said:

I see, well maybe this is why I’m confused about it. If I’m the one that has the crush and sending mixed messages,  it’s possibly best I take some time off and distant my work relationship until I get back into a professional relationship and my feeling don’t interfere?

Exactly. Distance yourself and keep things simple. Try not to think too much about what he does or wants. Have better boundaries here. You work together but have a cordial work relationship. Leave it at that.

[CuriousSara]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Sorry, not buying this. 

Why can't you admit (even if only to yourself for now) that you felt (and still feel) sad and rejected because you like him?  Because you have a romantic interest in him? 

I mean, face it, this thread would not exist if you didn't. 

What are you so afraid of? 

As stated previously, and what your friends who know you and the situation best also believe, he's most likely as confused about you as you are about him. 

Talk to him. Time to start being real, with yourself, and with him. 

I guess I use to like like him too but I’ve stopped all feelings since the summertime so that I can concentrate on the work relationship and since he’s turned distant. Then he told me he’s dating so that’s when I felt rejected and sad. I then started to write to you all about it this week and see that everyone is all over the place. He was loud and clear he’s serious about her and our working relationship is the same so that means he’s decided to move on and there’s no reason for me to think about it further. Working together either will work out or not and I will try to be more open in the future when I like someone else. If he was to stop seeing her maybe I would considered dating him. Does this make sense?