Dating confusion

[CuriousSara]

 

Hello Everyone, Can someone help me figure out what’s going with a new friend of mine. Met 7 months ago in his jewelry shop, went out casually about 5 times totally. Came over a couple of times and he met my family in the summer. Then suddenly he had his teenage daughter visit from overseas and seemed to disappear on me and became distant. So I kept cool too and tried calling a couple of times then all of a sudden he called about doing some freelance work in August. So I accepted the offer. Every time I called him about something he was distant and would answer robotically, yes or no. Then he traveled for three weeks and upon returning he came over unexpectedly for a short visit afterwards I walked him to the train station. On the way to the train he told he has something to tell me that may upset me. He said he started dating someone, the shop girl his ex from 5 years ago. I asked if he is serious and he nodded yes. He said our business relationship will remain the same. I’m confused because we didn’t really date it was just a handful of casual meetings. So I don’t answer why felt he had to tell me and he’s being weird, cold and awkward. Also since we didn’t have an intimate relationship why would would he think it’s necessary to tell me about his dating news. I now feel weird too and I offered not to work together if he feels uncomfortable but he said no it’s fine and to continue. I feel sad too because I think he is a nice person but he’s hiding something. Any ideas regarding what is going on? I would greatly appreciate your insight. Thank you.

Edited November 24, 2022 by CuriousSara

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CuriousSara said:

  I think he is a nice person but he’s hiding something. 

Do you want to continue to work with him? Either way, you hung out a few times but this wasn't dating. He may have thought you had a crush on him so decided to distance himself. Is he married? 

[CuriousSara]

He’s been divorced for 8 years. He was telling things like I’m hot and being flirtatious but I was not showing much interest as I wanted to be friends and work together.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

. He said he started dating someone, the shop girl his ex from 5 years ago. I asked if he is serious and he nodded yes. He said our business relationship will remain the same.

All you need to decide is if you wish to continue working with him. Whether there's an ex, a new GF, a wife, whatever, doesn't really matter as much as that he's not interested in a dating relationship.

So the ball is in your court as to work together or not. 

[CuriousSara]

Yes, I know the ball is and was in my court always but I’m curious as to why he gave mixed messages all along. Possibly he was dating her at the time we met and this is why he was behaving awkwardly from the beginning? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

Possibly he was dating her at the time we met and this is why he was behaving awkwardly from the beginning? 

You hung out casually 5 times in 7 mos. Yes it's possible he's had a GF all along. Or he simply doesn't want to date.

[CuriousSara]

So why bring dating into the picture I definitely did not have a crush or showed any signs of liking him in that way. Possibly the shop girl girlfriend doesn’t like me around and she has the issue? Since he’s the one offering me to continue working together which means I’m going into shop twice a week if not more. What do you think?

[JTSW]

Obviously, in his mind, he saw you guys as dating.

But then his ex came back into his life.

Hence the distance and coldness and hence why he thought it would upset you.

Tell him straight that you're cool with him being with her because you guys and just friends and colleagues and you never once thought about it being more than that.

[CuriousSara]

31 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Obviously, in his mind, he saw you guys as dating.

But then his ex came back into his life.

Hence the distance and coldness and hence why he thought it would upset you.

Tell him straight that you're cool with him being with her because you guys and just friends and colleagues and you never once thought about it being more than that.

That’s exactly what I felt like saying but the words didn’t come out at the time. Instead I asked a few questions and asked if he’s serious about her and nodded yes. So then I offered to not work together but he  said no it’s fine. I’m happy to hear you see it like I do as I’m confused how he thinks and other peoples opinion helps clarify things for me. Also I do want add since he told me about her I saw him twice and he seems a little bit more relaxed when I go into the shop. As for the girlfriend she’s seems catty and not such a nice person but that’s his concerns. Also she insists to work with me which I would rather not but I really can’t say anything. So overall I think he was better off not saying anything because I sensed  he was up to something with her anyways and I didn’t mind for me it was better I didn’t know and continue to work as normal but now everyone knows and it makes me feel as if I’m the one that’s been rejected and turned down. Does tha make sense?

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

That’s exactly what I felt like saying but the words didn’t come out at the time. Instead I asked a few questions and asked if he’s serious about her and nodded yes. So then I offered to not work together but he  said no it’s fine. I’m happy to hear you see it like I do as I’m confused how he thinks and other peoples opinion helps clarify things for me. Also I do want add since he told me about her I saw him twice and he seems a little bit more relaxed when I go into the shop. As for the girlfriend she’s seems catty and not such a nice person but that’s his concerns. Also she insists to work with me which I would rather not but I really can’t say anything. So overall I think he was better off not saying anything because I sensed  he was up to something with her anyways and I didn’t mind for me it was better I didn’t know and continue to work as normal but now everyone knows and it makes me feel as if I’m the one that’s been rejected and turned down. Does tha make sense?

Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Does he see his gf's behaviour toward you?

She's clearly jealous of you working with him.

Maybe it's best that you no longer work together. You don't deserve to be treated like that and have them make you feel like that when you haven't done anything wrong.

[CuriousSara]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Does he see his gf's behaviour toward you?

She's clearly jealous of you working with him.

Maybe it's best that you no longer work together. You don't deserve to be treated like that and have them make you feel like that when you haven't done anything wrong.

I really don’t think he sees her behavior towards me. They seem very comfortable with each other in fact I also notice she’s demeaning towards him. I’m not sure why he has her working there  since September. Doesn’t seem to need her already he has his whole family working there. Also there is an older lady working there, I don’t know who she is and she looks  similar to the girlfriend . It could her mother I’m thinking and possibly she mentioned to her that I’m always in the shop. I’m just guessing and in a way this has become intriguing to me. I could stop going altogether and sometimes I feel like that now. But then I think why should I stop my extra work because of his quirky ways. I know I haven’t done anything to create this scenario. For example he was going to get a haircut nearby and she said out loud “ Yes he wants to feel younger and sexier” to no one in particular. I’m thinking he probably thought he’d try having an affair with me when he met me and maybe she wasn’t around at the time maybe travelling and then she came back into the picture. Let me know you thoughts too. Im trying to give enough information to understand the situation. Thanks again. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

 I offered not to work together if he feels uncomfortable but he said no it’s fine and to continue. 

If you feel uncomfortable there you could terminate the business relationship. However whoever he chooses to date or employ is up to him.  He has been clear and honest that he's dating this woman, so all you can do is what is best for yourself and your profession.

[glows]

This is a great deal of speculation. You mentioned not showing any interest yet you are interested in his life, OP. You’ll be spinning stories to yourself and trying to convince yourself of why he decided to date his ex again. I’d take it at face value and let it go.

Are you truly comfortable working with him? 

[CuriousSara]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

This is a great deal of speculation. You mentioned not showing any interest yet you are interested in his life, OP. You’ll be spinning stories to yourself and trying to convince yourself of why he decided to date his ex again. I’d take it at face value and let it go.

Are you truly comfortable working with him? 

Yes, I’m truly comfortable working with him. I think he assumed I liked him in that way and maybe liked the idea of us dating, makes him feel good. I’m always interested in why people act they the way the do but I’m not interested in dating him and I think this is the key here. Also I think there’s nothing wrong in analyzing one’s behavior as it’s important when working together to know the character. No? She also seems very interested in overseeing our transactions. She doesn’t seem sincere  to me.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, CuriousSara said:

She also seems very interested in overseeing our transactions. She doesn’t seem sincere  to me.

This part is reaching a bit. I’d extract myself here as it’s not any of your business. Unfortunately all this is time you could be spending on other things. While it’s helpful understanding a situation, rumination and obsession about someone isn’t healthy in the long run. 

Would you say he’s a friend in the very least? You introduced him to your loved ones. You could be happy for him instead of picking apart his choice of partner. If he needs to make mistakes be there as a friend and business partner, nothing else.

[CuriousSara]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

This part is reaching a bit. I’d extract myself here as it’s not any of your business. Unfortunately all this is time you could be spending on other things. While it’s helpful understanding a situation, rumination and obsession about someone isn’t healthy in the long run. 

Would you say he’s a friend in the very least? You introduced him to your loved ones. You could be happy for him instead of picking apart his choice of partner. If he needs to make mistakes be there as a friend and business partner, nothing else.

Absolutely, I’m happy for him and happy we are friends. This is the most important to me. I’ve mentioned the details only because I thought it would be helpful to explain the scenario to everyone. I’ve only reached out this time and don’t plan on harping over it whatsoever. I welcome everyone’s opinion as I understand this is what the forum is all about. I look forward to hearing more opinions. Thanks

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

That’s exactly what I felt like saying but the words didn’t come out at the time. Instead I asked a few questions and asked if he’s serious about her and nodded yes. So then I offered to not work together but he  said no it’s fine. I’m happy to hear you see it like I do as I’m confused how he thinks and other peoples opinion helps clarify things for me. Also I do want add since he told me about her I saw him twice and he seems a little bit more relaxed when I go into the shop. As for the girlfriend she’s seems catty and not such a nice person but that’s his concerns. Also she insists to work with me which I would rather not but I really can’t say anything. So overall I think he was better off not saying anything because I sensed  he was up to something with her anyways and I didn’t mind for me it was better I didn’t know and continue to work as normal but now everyone knows and it makes me feel as if I’m the one that’s been rejected and turned down. Does tha make sense?

The way you're telling it, I suspect that you gave this guy reasons to think that you were in "dating mode" with him, even if completely inadvertently - and he was as well.  Otherwise why are you looking for "hidden meanings"?    Why not just take this at face value? 

What was your reason for offering not to work together when he told you he has a girlfriend?  That is unprofessional and definitely is something that a person would say only  IF they had been dating. People have working relationships with others regardless of their genders constantly.   If he had issues about working together,  he's an adult with a business ... he's certainly capable of ending the professional relationship with you if he wanted to.

Also your whole initial relationship you described as one would the early stages of dating.  You had no professional relationship yet.  If you weren't in that mind set, why would you have to "keep cool" when he was busy with his daughter?   I'm sure you're aware that when a man and woman meet who are both single and start going out together, and even meet parents, it is pretty much the paradigm of "dating."   

In any case, he 100% certainly thought you were dating - otherwise he would not have thought you'd be upset by his new relationship.  And I believe, reading between the lines, that you had / have a crush and wanted something further to come of your relationship with him.  

I encourage you to stop judging his girlfriend and looking for ways to see her as being threatened by you.  That's unprofessional and also not good friendship.

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

He said he started dating someone, the shop girl his ex from 5 years ago. I asked if he is serious and he nodded yes. He said our business relationship will remain the same. I’m confused because we didn’t really date it was just a handful of casual meetings. So I don’t answer why felt he had to tell me and he’s being weird, cold and awkward.

So he never took you out on a date?   Well what ever happened between you he felt he had to make it clear he now has a gf so there would be no misunderstandings when you came to work for him.  You said you feel he's hiding something but I feel he's trying to be transparent and that's why he was more relaxed after he told you.   What goes on between him and his gf, why she's at his shop, or the way you think she treats him is not your concern and I don't understand why you feel rejected.  I would just do my work and ignore all the rest.

 

3 hours ago, CuriousSara said:

I’m thinking he probably thought he’d try having an affair with me when he met me and maybe she wasn’t around at the time maybe travelling and then she came back into the picture. Let me know you thoughts too. Im trying to give enough information to understand the situation. Thanks again. 

He had an opportunity but never even asked you out on a date.  He didn't cheat on her with you.  There's really nothing to understand because it seems pretty clear to me.

[CuriousSara]

18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

The way you're telling it, I suspect that you gave this guy reasons to think that you were in "dating mode" with him, even if completely inadvertently - and he was as well.  Otherwise why are you looking for "hidden meanings"?    Why not just take this at face value? 

What was your reason for offering not to work together when he told you he has a girlfriend?  That is unprofessional and definitely is something that a person would say only  IF they had been dating. People have working relationships with others regardless of their genders constantly.   If he had issues about working together,  he's an adult with a business ... he's certainly capable of ending the professional relationship with you if he wanted to.

Also your whole initial relationship you described as one would the early stages of dating.  You had no professional relationship yet.  If you weren't in that mind set, why would you have to "keep cool" when he was busy with his daughter?   I'm sure you're aware that when a man and woman meet who are both single and start going out together, and even meet parents, it is pretty much the paradigm of "dating."   

In any case, he 100% certainly thought you were dating - otherwise he would not have thought you'd be upset by his new relationship.  And I believe, reading between the lines, that you had / have a crush and wanted something further to come of your relationship with him.  

I encourage you to stop judging his girlfriend and looking for ways to see her as being threatened by you.  That's unprofessional and also not good friendship.

 

 

 

I get your point about me sending mixed messages. Maybe I did and didn’t realize that I did it. Initially I went into the shop looking for work. He seemed smitten and pursued me but in a very casually non aggressive way. I didn’t want to mix business with pleasure but he was keen about it. When we went out it was very casually and when he became distant I kept cool because I figured he was busy and I didn’t want to push working together at that time. Then he called me out of the blue to work together. So I said yes. I work all the time with others that are in relationships and this hasn’t  happened in such a way before to me. So basically when we started to work together he started to becoming distant instead of open and friendly work relationship. Then the girl starts working there and he became even more uncomfortable when I showed up. So then maybe he had to tell me because I figured he was not comfortable about it but again I didn’t care either way.  Now I’m only trying to see it from different angles as I feel better about knowing what I’ve done or not done to create this atmosphere. I’m not judging the girlfriend just answering some of the questions posed to me.

[CuriousSara]

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So he never took you out on a date?   Well what ever happened between you he felt he had to make it clear he now has a gf so there would be no misunderstandings when you came to work for him.  You said you feel he's hiding something but I feel he's trying to be transparent and that's why he was more relaxed after he told you.   What goes on between him and his gf, why she's at his shop, or the way you think she treats him is not your concern and I don't understand why you feel rejected.  I would just do my work and ignore all the rest.

 

He had an opportunity but never even asked you out on a date.  He didn't cheat on her with you.  There's really nothing to understand because it seems pretty clear to me.

Correct he didn’t cheat on her and yes had an opportunity to ask me out formally but didn’t do so. Yes I know it’s not my business what goes on between the two of them. I feel rejected as an after thought I guess cause he chose to tell me he’s interested in someone else but didn’t have to tell me his personal business. So why share it with me?

Edited November 24, 2022 by CuriousSara
Added thoughts

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, CuriousSara said:

 I feel rejected as an after thought I guess cause he chose to tell me he’s interested in someone else but didn’t have to tell me his personal business. So why share it with me?

Because he thought you were interested in him, and he was obviously right - or you would not feel rejected.  Perhaps he'd had an interest in you as well.  Good to clear the air if the two of you are going to work together alongside of his romantic partner.  

 

[CuriousSara]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Because he thought you were interested in him, and he was obviously right - or you would not feel rejected.  Perhaps he'd had an interest in you as well.  Good to clear the air if the two of you are going to work together alongside of his romantic partner.  

 

Yes, this is possibly the case. It’s best to clear the air so we are both more comfortable. Also he just  called me but didn’t leave a message. I think he was correct to tell me about her as we both felt something but couldn’t express it easily.  

[glows]

This will blow over and there’s not much need to go over anything that happened in the past or what’s going on in your personal lives.

You both can choose date whomever you wish without the added input from each other. Remain professional only - that’s how you keep the air clear without any other issues.

[CuriousSara]

41 minutes ago, glows said:

This will blow over and there’s not much need to go over anything that happened in the past or what’s going on in your personal lives.

You both can choose date whomever you wish without the added input from each other. Remain professional only - that’s how you keep the air clear without any other issues.

Thank you, I agree I thinks that’s the best way too. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

[glows]

Same to you, Sara. Happy Thanksgiving!