loveherrr Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 I (M 30)first met this girl (f 27) online and we decided to meet for drinks. We really hit it off and had so much in common. We ended up drinking a lot and she came back and we ended up sleeping together. We woke up the next morning and she was embarrassed and it honestly wasn’t my intent to hook up because I liked her so much. Anyway it turns out she recently got out of a relationship where her boyfriend cheated on her. She opened up to me and everything seemed fine. She ended up staying for a while and then going home. Turns out she lives with her parents, and she admitted she’s a bad texter. I noticed this right away as she took a while to respond and didn’t initiate conversation much which is totally fine but I couldn’t stop thinking about her and alll I wanted to do was talk to her non stop. It felt like I was annoying her and looking back I wish I had shown restraint. Regardless she came over about a week later and we hung out and hooked up (no sex) but in my opinion I thought it went really well. The following day I invited her on a double date but she said she wasn’t feeling great. She had let me know that she’s not in a good place mentally and doesn’t want to see anyone, but she really enjoyed hangin with me and has nothing to do with me. I noticed she changed her dating app picture which leads me to believe she’s going on dates but I could be wrong. I was convinced this was the girl of my dreams, we had a great connection and everything went so well. I guess I’m not sure how to proceed because I don’t want to give up on it. Please let me know of any advice you may have.
basil67 Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 Hmmm....the double date was probably much too early. I suspect that after only two dates, she wasn't near ready to meet your friends. However, her backing away may have nothing to do with that. All in all her talk of "she’s not in a good place mentally and doesn’t want to see anyone, but she really enjoyed hangin with me and has nothing to do with me" is just another way of saying "it's not you, it's me" She has politely dumped you, and yes, she probably is still looking for others. I'm sorry. All you can do is walk away
Alpacalia Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 She seems to be on the prowl. Probably not emotionally available if her boyfriend cheated on her recently. Her current focus is on getting her self-esteem back to where it was. However destructive it may seem. You probably shouldn't take that ride.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 6 hours ago, loveherrr said: it turns out she recently got out of a relationship where her boyfriend cheated on her. She opened up to me and everything seemed fine Believe me when I say that everything is not fine in her world. She is likely still really hurting about her break-up and on the rebound. She won't be ready to properly date any time soon. It is never a good idea to get involved with someone who's been recently dumped, especially when cheating was involved. Far too much healing and emotional turmoil there. 6 hours ago, loveherrr said: I was convinced this was the girl of my dreams May I ask why, when she is practially a stranger? You met her two times. It sounds like you got really carried away in the idea of her, but the reality is that you barely know her. Do you tend to move too fast in relationships? 6 hours ago, loveherrr said: I don’t want to give up on it Unfortunately, she already has. This one is out of your hands, since she has declined to see you again. You can't "not give up" when the other person has already left the building, man. I'm sorry. This one is a dead end.
Author loveherrr Posted November 23, 2022 Author Posted November 23, 2022 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Believe me when I say that everything is not fine in her world. She is likely still really hurting about her break-up and on the rebound. She won't be ready to properly date any time soon. It is never a good idea to get involved with someone who's been recently dumped, especially when cheating was involved. Far too much healing and emotional turmoil there. May I ask why, when she is practially a stranger? You met her two times. It sounds like you got really carried away in the idea of her, but the reality is that you barely know her. Do you tend to move too fast in relationships? Unfortunately, she already has. This one is out of your hands, since she has declined to see you again. You can't "not give up" when the other person has already left the building, man. I'm sorry. This one is a dead end. The thing is she didn’t decline to see me again. She actually said she would like to after I saw her the second time. Thats why it’s confusing to me. I even asked straight up, paraphrasing here “hey no hard feelings if you don’t want to see me again, I just would like to know” and she said again that she’s just not in a good place mentally and had nothing to do with me… I was honestly hoping she would just say that she didn’t see it going anywhere so I could just move on. I feel that I’m getting mixed signals and it’s really messing with me.
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 (edited) 22 minutes ago, loveherrr said: she said again that she’s just not in a good place mentally and had nothing to do with me. Sorry this happened. I would believe her that she isn't in a good place to date right now. She may be embarrassed about the drunken hookup and wants to forget about it. Step back. Let the dust settle. She knows your contact info, so if she feels better, she will contact you. Keep in mind it was only 2 dates and she may still be talking to the ex and/or talking to and meeting others. Edited November 23, 2022 by Wiseman2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 29 minutes ago, loveherrr said: I even asked straight up, paraphrasing here “hey no hard feelings if you don’t want to see me again, I just would like to know” and she said again that she’s just not in a good place mentally and had nothing to do with me I realize that, but you have to know that anything other than "yes" is a thinly-disguised "no." It doesn't matter what the reasons are. If she wanted to see you again, she wouldn't dance around and give you this version of "it's not you, it's me." It sucks, but it's best to consider this one a non-starter and leave her behind you.
JTSW Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 She is not ready for dating. She's using the app for rebounds. I can guarantee you are not her only hook up. You need to walk away and stop hanging on because it's not going anywhere.
Author loveherrr Posted November 23, 2022 Author Posted November 23, 2022 12 minutes ago, JTSW said: She is not ready for dating. She's using the app for rebounds. I can guarantee you are not her only hook up. You need to walk away and stop hanging on because it's not going anywhere. Thanks. I’ve accepted it at this point just sucks because I got my hopes up and think about her constantly. Just wish she would have not beat around the bush and just straight up let me go. I haven’t been in a situation like this before so I appreciate all of the responses. 1
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 8 hours ago, loveherrr said: and she said again that she’s just not in a good place mentally and had nothing to do with me…I feel that I’m getting mixed signals and it’s really messing with me. This is her saying she is probably not going to see you again, not mixes signals. A lot of people do the passive/read between the lines route because they don't like confrontation. And I'm afraid this is what this looks like to me because I used to do this myself.
ShyViolet Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 There is nothing complicated about this situation. She is not interested in you, and you need to accept that. People don't always clearly reject someone. A lot of people have a non-confrontational side where they don't know how to reject someone so instead they make excuses like "I'm not ready for a relationship". But it's on you to take the hint and act accordingly. If she was interested in you, you'd know. She would be jumping at the chance to see you again. 20 hours ago, loveherrr said: I was convinced this was the girl of my dreams You should not be saying this about someone you hung out with twice. It is completely premature and you don't know her well enough to know this. This is how you set yourself up for disappointment, by letting yourself get carried away so early.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 10 hours ago, loveherrr said: Just wish she would have not beat around the bush and just straight up let me go OP, this would be ideal - but very few have the courage to be that straightforward. Many have a hard time being honest when they know it will hurt someone. That's why it's important to develop the ability to understand the softly-spoken rejections that are cloaked in any variation of "it's not you, it's me." But again, I question why you thought this was your dream girl when you hardly know her. Where do you suppose that notion is coming from?
glows Posted November 23, 2022 Posted November 23, 2022 She isn’t just healing from any old break up. This ex of hers apparently cheated on her so on top of a break up there was betrayal. Have some heart here and give her space. This isn’t only about what you want or what you think. She’s not available to date and told you she isn’t in a good place and doesn’t want to date anyone. Don’t be one of those guys who hears a No and keeps thinking Yes. What it does sound to me is that she enjoys your company but you’re more or less in the fwb or friendzone. She doesn’t think that seriously of anything that goes on.
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