Things were going so well. did I text too much?

[jgolffan96]

I met a girl on a dating app in early October. We really hit it off and have been on three dates as of November 5th. She is still in undergrad (she’s a few years younger than I am). We were texting back and forth somewhat consistently after she came back from a trip the next week to she if she wanted to do something then later in the week to see if she was coming back from school on the weekend (she usually does) and wanted to grab a bite at my place (I was planning to cook dinner for her). She responded that she was staying on campus because she had a ton of work (totally get it because we’re getting near the end of the semester and there’s a ton of work near the end). She followed up saying thanks for understanding and commenting on the end of the semester. I followed up on Monday morning just asking about her weekend (just to keep a light check in) and I haven’t heard from her. 
 

This is the first time I’ve been on more than a few dates so I am not sure if I am texting too much and I should just wait to hear from her or if she is ghosting? What is the recommended cadence of texting to set up dates or just regular communication? 
 

Should I text her to see if she wants to do something the weekend after Thanksgiving or wait to hear back on my last text?

 

Thanks in advance for your help!!!

[Ami1uwant]

Not enough data.

 

she stayed at college so she might be busy cramming for a project or exams.

[jgolffan96]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Not enough data.

 

she stayed at college so she might be busy cramming for a project or exams.

So what should I do? Is it okay for me to text her again maybe Friday? 

[glows]

If she hasn’t responded at all to your last text she is not interested. People who are interested will take a few minutes to say something and keep communication lines open. 

Stress from exams and schoolwork can easily switch off any desire to meet new people or date. You shouldn’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to respond to you but don’t keep messaging if she’s not reciprocating the same effort. That sets up a sh*tty dynamic anyway.

[jgolffan96]

34 minutes ago, glows said:

If she hasn’t responded at all to your last text she is not interested. People who are interested will take a few minutes to say something and keep communication lines open. 

Stress from exams and schoolwork can easily switch off any desire to meet new people or date. You shouldn’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to respond to you but don’t keep messaging if she’s not reciprocating the same effort. That sets up a sh*tty dynamic anyway.

I am just wondering though, the last time we were out, we had a pretty good make out session and she told me "I really enjoy spending time with you". 

Let's say I give it one more shot, should I reach out on Friday? What do you think? What would be the best thing to say?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she is interested anymore, OP. 

You wouldn't need to follow up with another message if she were, because you would have heard from her by now. She would be eager to keep in touch and respond to your first message, or she would have taken the initiative to reach out and see what you're up to. I personally would not text her again. Her silence is your answer, unforunately. 

[Mrin]

Don't text her again. Doesn't matter if you do it now or Friday or next Friday OP. Don't text until she contacts you. Ball is in her court. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, justasht said:

 been on three dates as of November 5th.  and wanted to grab a bite at my place

Sorry this happened. Keep in mind that after 3 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others.

  It's not the texting. It's suggesting an in home date for date 4. Unfortunately, women can perceive this as "just another guy who rushes to Netflix and chill".

Step back, she knows your contact info and if she wants to continue, you'll hear from her.

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, justasht said:

So what should I do? Is it okay for me to text her again maybe Friday? 

No, don't bother her anymore.

Let her get back to you when she is ready.

Don't get pushy.

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, justasht said:

Let's say I give it one more shot, should I reach out on Friday? What do you think? What would be the best thing to say?

No!

You're acting desperate OP. 

Wait and see if you hear back. If it's longer than a week then you have your answer.

[bene]

Three dates is not much. You might feel that everything was going great but you’re still practically strangers. People can lose interest or change their mind, it happens, it’s just life. Exact number of texts is not that important in the grand scheme of things. 

I’d leave her be and continue with my life. If she reaches out — great. If not, you’ll have your answer.

 

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, justasht said:

the last time we were out, we had a pretty good make out session

Not sure what exactly is included in a make out session, but it's possible she wasn't ready to make the leap from that to dinner at your place, which can imply that sex is on the menu.

If you do hear from her, suggest a date rather than a hangout.

[Lotsgoingon]

She's not interested.

You need a lesson here. If people are interested student demands will not cause them to go silent. 

This is a no here:

She responded that she was staying on campus because she had a ton of work ...

Everyone has lots of work to do ... but if you are interested in someone, you make the time. It's the ice cream principle. I don't need "room" or hunger to go for ice cream. Same with romance. If you want it, you'll find a way to fit it in your life. 

Move on. Learn the signs of "no" so you can quickly move to the next person. And reduce the texting. 

[smackie9]

Just because they make out with you doesn't mean they want to keep seeing you. It was fun while it lasted,. She's probably just moved on.

[glows]

On 11/22/2022 at 6:34 PM, justasht said:

I am just wondering though, the last time we were out, we had a pretty good make out session and she told me "I really enjoy spending time with you". 

Let's say I give it one more shot, should I reach out on Friday? What do you think? What would be the best thing to say?

I don’t think it’s a good idea. Let the other person meet you half way. If she hasn’t replied to your last text, it means she’s not interested. 

Let’s say you have a burning desire to reach out, have little to no expectations and don’t reach out again a third time if she doesn’t respond again on Friday. 

I wouldn’t overinvest too much this quickly either. Whether you do or you don’t reach out or whether she replies it’s not such a huge blow to you if you’re not getting overly involved very fast. 

Keep in mind she’s quite a few years younger still in undergrad with a different set of priorities. 

[jgolffan96]

On 11/23/2022 at 4:32 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Keep in mind that after 3 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others.

  It's not the texting. It's suggesting an in home date for date 4. Unfortunately, women can perceive this as "just another guy who rushes to Netflix and chill".

Step back, she knows your contact info and if she wants to continue, you'll hear from her.

I guess I should have known that doing research on YouTube isn’t a good idea. I had found that it was a good idea to have her over on the fourth date so she would be more emotionally invested. I guess because I don’t have much experience in relationships I am not sure what to do and how to progress things. How should I have approached it better?

[ShyViolet]

When someone doesn't reply to your text, that is usually a sign that they're not interested.  If she was into you, she would make time to reply to a text, no matter how busy with schoolwork she is.  People make time for what's important to them.  Do not text her again.  Over-eager and desperate is not a good look.

On 11/22/2022 at 9:34 PM, justasht said:

I am just wondering though, the last time we were out, we had a pretty good make out session and she told me "I really enjoy spending time with you".

This means nothing.  You barely know this girl, you went on only three dates.  In dating, people lose interest all the time for all sorts of reasons. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, justasht said:

. I had found that it was a good idea to have her over on the fourth date so she would be more emotionally invested

Much of the PUA myths such as when to push for sex, like the "make her dinner at your place by date 2-4" stuff backfires.

Most women can see through that and that it's a thinly veiled ploy for sex.

Sadly these PUA videos want you to believe this will put you in the scoring zone but as you painfully found out, it more likely lands you in the creepzone.

As you can see, once you suggested this she ran the other way. Next time listen to your own common sense rather than have a scripted agenda.  Turn off the dating coach videos. Learn to get a sense of things so you can play things by ear.

Edited November 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Mrin]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Much of the PUA myths such as when to push for sex, like the "make her dinner at your place by date 2-4" stuff backfires

Agreed. Though - if we aren't having sex by date 4 then I am usually getting ready to release her back into the river. But the way I look at it is that if there is real chemistry between us and I'm doing a good job in making her feel comfortable around me, then it is HER idea by date 4 to go back to my place. Not mine.

[jgolffan96]

Just now, Mrin said:

Agreed. Though - if we aren't having sex by date 4 then I am usually getting ready to release her back into the river. But the way I look at it is that if there is real chemistry between us and I'm doing a good job in making her feel comfortable around me, then it is HER idea by date 4 to go back to my place. Not mine.

Does this depend on age? She is 23 and I am 26. 

[Mrin]

Just now, justasht said:

Does this depend on age? She is 23 and I am 26. 

Yes. So here's my take on it... If you are just looking to get laid then you can pressure a woman to move to the edge or even beyond her comfort zone. Some women will do that. Some will recoil. But, if you actually want to have a real relationship with a woman and respect her, then it is better for you to "define the playing field" and let her move at a pace she feels comfortable with (be further within her comfort zone). Women are super computers. She is thinking and feeling things about you and your budding relationship that you can't even fathom. You're still stuck at "she smells nice" while she's already parsing and cross referencing things you said a week ago, imagining what sort of kids you two would make and what you would look like at 60. 

The best thing you can do is be "steady Eddie" with your attention, intention and making your desire known. If you want to open the door to going back to your place then mention something about your place. The view. A photograph on the wall. How you can make a mean chicken marsala recipe that your grandmother taught you. Then let her feel and think her way through things. If you do it right and there is real chemistry, it will be her idea to go see the view/photo or eat your grandmother's chicken marsala. She will feel confident and secure and that is way more attractive than the alternative.

Give it a try next time and see how it goes. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[jgolffan96]

@Mrin @Wiseman2 @ShyViolet @glows @JTSW @bene @introverted1 @Lotsgoingon

 So I ended up reaching out to her because my gut told me that she would respond. I ended up finding out that she "recently has started seeing someone and out of respect for them I'm not seeing any other people right now" with some other kind comments. I went on to ask if there was anything I did wrong/feedback and she said "No there isn't anything you did wrong!! I really did enjoy spending time with you. I just think right now with your busy schedule we are just looking for different things, it's nothing personal". Just to shed some light here, I am in the pursuit of pro golf and it consumes a ton of my time plus my job. I went on to comment "It sucks to hear that because that because next time I saw you that I wanted to slow things down with my schedule (my own decision) to pursue something with you because I thought there was a connection there". She then commented "I'm sorry, I didn't know that :(". My final comment was "No you don't have to be sorry, that's my fault, I probably should have said something sooner. Would you be open to giving it another shot or are you set in your decision?" Her final text was was "I've recently become exclusive with someone so I don't think that's an option for me, I'm sorry :(". 

I have a few questions:

1. She mentioned to me in our last date (date 3 of 3) after we kissed that it seemed like to her that I was taking things slow, but that she was totally cool with it and she did not want me to feel any pressure from her. I totally could have kissed her on the first date, but for some reason I felt like that might scare her away. Is this a mistake and should I have done this and asked to be exclusive in that last date?

2. How often should I text a girl that I am dating and hoping to "go exclusive with"? I don't want to text too often to come across as clingy or have nothing going on, but it seems like I left large gaps where I left the door open for someone else to walk in? 

3. Is there anything else I can or should do better to prevent this kind of thing from happening again?

 

Lastly, I would like to thank all of you for all your help and advice. Not sure I would have gotten through this without all of the helpful feedback. 

[glows]

That’s very kind of her to respond to you so honestly and tactfully. It doesn’t sound like she thought you had enough time to be in a relationship. Would it have worked with your job and golfing?

I don’t think this has to do with when you kissed her. Everyone is a little different there (different comfort levels/needs). It was about her not being certain you had enough time to date and that led to waning interest or seeing incompatibilities between you.

If you’re meeting someone early on, acknowledge your busy schedule and mention you’re flexible as well. Don’t hesitate responding to someone you like. The point is to see whether you’re compatible and that happens with more communication and more time spent in person, spend less time feeling self-conscious.

Edited November 27, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, justasht said:

@Mrin @Wiseman2 @ShyViolet @glows @JTSW @bene @introverted1 @Lotsgoingon

 " Her final text was was "I've recently become exclusive with someone so I don't think that's an option for me, I'm sorry :(". 

Sorry to hear that, but at least you have closure. Try not to continue after someone tells you once that they're seeing someone else.

Be upfront about your schedule and availability. Don't suggest in home dates too early on.

Maybe she's seeing someone, maybe it's an excuse. Either way she lost interest so all you can do is move forward.

Avoid the temptation to ask for dating postmortems or come across as pleading. Just say ok, then move forward.

[ccas93]

15 hours ago, justasht said:

 

So I ended up reaching out to her because my gut told me that she would respond. I ended up finding out that she "recently has started seeing someone and out of respect for them I'm not seeing any other people right now" with some other kind comments. I went on to ask if there was anything I did wrong/feedback and she said "No there isn't anything you did wrong!! I really did enjoy spending time with you. I just think right now with your busy schedule we are just looking for different things, it's nothing personal". Just to shed some light here, I am in the pursuit of pro golf and it consumes a ton of my time plus my job. I went on to comment "It sucks to hear that because that because next time I saw you that I wanted to slow things down with my schedule (my own decision) to pursue something with you because I thought there was a connection there". She then commented "I'm sorry, I didn't know that :(". My final comment was "No you don't have to be sorry, that's my fault, I probably should have said something sooner. Would you be open to giving it another shot or are you set in your decision?" Her final text was was "I've recently become exclusive with someone so I don't think that's an option for me, I'm sorry :(". 

I have a few questions:

1. She mentioned to me in our last date (date 3 of 3) after we kissed that it seemed like to her that I was taking things slow, but that she was totally cool with it and she did not want me to feel any pressure from her. I totally could have kissed her on the first date, but for some reason I felt like that might scare her away. Is this a mistake and should I have done this and asked to be exclusive in that last date?

2. How often should I text a girl that I am dating and hoping to "go exclusive with"? I don't want to text too often to come across as clingy or have nothing going on, but it seems like I left large gaps where I left the door open for someone else to walk in? 

3. Is there anything else I can or should do better to prevent this kind of thing from happening again?

 

Lastly, I would like to thank all of you for all your help and advice. Not sure I would have gotten through this without all of the helpful feedback. 

Honestly lots of texting red flags on her part to learn from and look out for next time. it sounds all sugar coated to me. From the excuse about how much work she has, to being exclusive with a new guy, to all the frowny faces, she just feels bad she isn't that interested because it sounds like you're a nice dude. When a woman tells me I'm too busy for her or expresses "concern" about my schedule, that's a red flag, like let me decide that. The word "busy" isn't even really in my dating vocabulary anymore bc it's so meaningless. 

Good luck with the golf pursuits! I played a sport professionally as well and it made getting ladies a lot easier