ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2022 Posted November 21, 2022 31 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: He never gave me the chance to show him they could be sorted That's because he didn't plan on sticking around long-term, OP. People who truly envision a future with you are going to try to work things out - not get back on dating apps to look for new options. 1 1
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted November 21, 2022 Author Posted November 21, 2022 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's because he didn't plan on sticking around long-term, OP. People who truly envision a future with you are going to try to work things out - not get back on dating apps to look for new options. I agree, it makes me sad but I agree. Anytime he done something bad I would mention I didn’t like it, not in an angry or mean way but just in a conversational way. You done that and it made me feel like this. He kept all of his bits bottled up and issues we might’ve had that came up as stuff does during dating that I thought we moved past he threw it back in my face at the end. tbh I think he threw it all back at me because he had a guilty conscience and promised he would never cheat, and then got caught. So had to make me out to be the bad one and the more I think of it the more I realise he’s done it before. Even with the concert, he blamed me for him going without me even though he said he wasn’t going to go and made plans with me. So when I got annoyed that he went it was my fault because I said I didn’t want to go even though he said he wasn’t going to go and changed his mind then last minute.
dersi72 Posted November 21, 2022 Posted November 21, 2022 you have to find someone better for your self , he is just wasting your time 1
NuevoYorko Posted November 21, 2022 Posted November 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: It’s annoying in general because all the issues he listed had he just talked to me in a nice way it could’ve been resolved. He never gave me the chance to show him they could be sorted instead he went into we don’t have anything In common, you don’t trust me bla bla bla. How could "nice" talking resolve the fact that he was on a dating site reaching out to other women? How would you have "sorted" his lying / cheating? Frankly, though I'm sorry you had your feelings badly hurt, it's probably for the best. If he wasn't horribly cruel to you you'd be figuring out how the cheating really was not a big deal. 1 2
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted November 21, 2022 Author Posted November 21, 2022 3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: How could "nice" talking resolve the fact that he was on a dating site reaching out to other women? How would you have "sorted" his lying / cheating? Frankly, though I'm sorry you had your feelings badly hurt, it's probably for the best. If he wasn't horribly cruel to you you'd be figuring out how the cheating really was not a big deal. I agree, I’m just going through the motions. I’m prettt sure he’s all over the place. I saw he deleted our photos on instagram.. It sucked seeing it. Then he un-deleted them. Not sure if he’s trying to play games or a going through the motions himself.
stillafool Posted November 21, 2022 Posted November 21, 2022 20 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I agree, I’m just going through the motions. I’m prettt sure he’s all over the place. I saw he deleted our photos on instagram.. It sucked seeing it. Then he un-deleted them. Not sure if he’s trying to play games or a going through the motions himself. It's best that you stop looking at what he's doing on Instagram or anywhere else. It just keeps him on your mind and making it harder for you to move on from this abusive person. 3
poppyfields Posted November 21, 2022 Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, stillafool said: It's best that you stop looking at what he's doing on Instagram or anywhere else. It just keeps him on your mind and making it harder for you to move on from this abusive person. Agree and I also think continuing to talk about him and the situation which at this point is essentially just repeating the same things over and over, is keeping you stuck and preventing you from moving on. It gives them too much agency in your head and well basically in your life and one can easily fall into an unhealthy obsession by doing this which I can see happening already. It's good to talk about but eventually you must Let Go. Detach. And look forward. Be strong and learn to help yourself by blocking, not allowing him any access to you or you to him, stop checking/stalking his social media, essentially stop giving him agency in your head and life. It was six months, be thankful it wasn't longer, and as said previously, learn from this and tell yourself you're moving on, and to stop the internal mental insanity. Take appropriate steps to do that. It will destroy you if you don't. As your user name states - Life Goes On. Edited November 21, 2022 by poppyfields 1
basil67 Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 14 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: Anytime he done something bad I would mention I didn’t like it, not in an angry or mean way but just in a conversational way. You done that and it made me feel like this. The above doesn't matter in this situation because you're well rid of him, but for future reference, raising issues "anytime" they happen can drive a partner away. If there's heaps of issues, then you're probably just not a good match and are better off ending it. But if the relationship is one you want to save, you don't want to be telling them every time they make you feel bad because that just becomes high maintenance. There's a lot to be said for not swinging at a rogue ball...learn to let through to the catcher and save those swings for the important/repetitive stuff. In this situation though, I totally get that you're upset about his reaction. I guess he took the attitude "the best form of defense is attack'. And on the positive, you now know who he truly is. But why are you sad about not being able to work through things with him? 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 18 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: . I saw he deleted our photos on instagram.. Right now. You can make yourself feel much better. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. Once you hit that button, you'll almost be cured. In the future, cut your losses sooner. The time he snuck off to the bathroom in a restaurant to make other plans and stand you up for a concert, was the time to run. It sounds like he's been playing the field all along. Jump for joy that you didn't waste more time on a snake like this. 1
JTSW Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 19 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I’m prettt sure he’s all over the place. I strongly doubt that. if he cared that much about you he wouldn't have dating app profile. He also wouldn't have said those horrific things about you. This guy doesn't care about anyone but himself so it's its time to stop going over it all in your head and thank your lucky stars that you are rid of him. Don't read into deleting and undeleting pics. It means nothing. Move on. Forget about him. Stop wasting your time on him. 1
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted November 22, 2022 Author Posted November 22, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, JTSW said: I strongly doubt that. if he cared that much about you he wouldn't have dating app profile. He also wouldn't have said those horrific things about you. This guy doesn't care about anyone but himself so it's its time to stop going over it all in your head and thank your lucky stars that you are rid of him. Don't read into deleting and undeleting pics. It means nothing. Move on. Forget about him. Stop wasting your time on him. I agree, I’ve cut contact with him. Im just doubting myself now maybe I was making mistakes in the relationship and didn’t know. Maybe he was a decent guy after all and I [was the problem] Edited November 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted November 22, 2022 Author Posted November 22, 2022 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Right now. You can make yourself feel much better. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. Once you hit that button, you'll almost be cured. In the future, cut your losses sooner. The time he snuck off to the bathroom in a restaurant to make other plans and stand you up for a concert, was the time to run. It sounds like he's been playing the field all along. Jump for joy that you didn't waste more time on a snake like this. I’ll be meeting with my girlfriends later to discuss but part of me is afraid maybe I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and caused him to act like that. I really am doubting my actions now
poppyfields Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I’ll be meeting with my girlfriends later to discuss but part of me is afraid maybe I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and caused him to act like that. I really am doubting my actions now This is your low self-esteem rearing its ugly head. At least in part. That said, it IS good to introspect and self-reflect when a relationship ends, even a casual one. Own your role and learn from it. I truly believe that. BUT don't beat yourself up, it's also quite possible HE has issues (fears, anxieties, or worse) that would cause him to behave the same with every woman he dates -- like a jerk. There are no "perfect" people. I encourage you to rid yourself of that mindset ASAP, it serves no worthwhile purpose. I'm certainly not perfect nor does my husband believe I am. Nor is he! We are all flawed in some form or fashion but we love regardless. I could trash him, call him a jerk, an ass until hell freezes over, I don't think it will help. Accept the fact you were not the right fit for each other and LET GO. Another man will be the right fit, remain open to that, stay positive and it will happen. Learn to make better choices OP, THAT is on you. . Edited November 22, 2022 by poppyfields 1
NuevoYorko Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I agree, I’ve cut contact with him. Im just doubting myself now maybe I was making mistakes in the relationship and didn’t know. Oh come on, cut it out. It seems like you are being deliberately obtuse. Of course you were "making mistakes in the relationship." Who doesn't. Maybe he's "decent." I would question that, since you described a douchebag, but whatever. It doesn't matter. HE CHEATED and HE TURNED ON YOU WHEN BUSTED. That's the final word on this. Even though you seem completely devoted to making up a nice tale about how wonderful it all could have been - it could not have. Because HE CHEATED and HE TURNED ON YOU. Edited November 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edit quote 2
BrinnM Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: maybe I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and caused him to act like that Yeah, no. The main problem I see here is you being too forgiving. You’ve put up with way too much, his cheating or trying to cheat, him excluding you so he could go out with his friends solo, etc. etc. His rudeness towards you. Overlooking those actions is on you. He knew he could get away with them. Or he thought he could. Not quite the Prince Charming here. And also: even if you had been “perfect”, whatever that means to you or him, he still would’ve posted an OLD profile. You don’t need this in your life. You’re now young, free, and single, and ready to mingle. How great is that! No more jerk around you to drag you down. Yay!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 5 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: maybe I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and caused him to act like that. I really am doubting my actions now In what universe would your actions cause him to cheat? Girl. Stop. You are in danger of starting a very toxic cycle. 1
basil67 Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 6 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I agree, I’ve cut contact with him. Im just doubting myself now maybe I was making mistakes in the relationship and didn’t know. Maybe he was a decent guy after all and I [was the problem] I'm raising this in case my own words planted this seed of thought. I pointed out that if a person has a discussion every time a partner does something which makes us feel bad, it will drive them away. That we need let the small stuff go and save the discussions for the major issues. Now IF you were doing this (and it's a big IF because there isn't enough information for me to state it as fact) a well balanced partner would either kindly pull you up for nitpicking or kindly drop you citing incompatibility. They wouldn't cheat because of it and they wouldn't attack you when their cheating was discovered. The is absolutely nothing you did which caused him to cheat or abuse you.
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2022 Posted November 22, 2022 6 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I’ll be meeting with my girlfriends later to discuss but part of me is afraid maybe I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and caused him to act like that. I really am doubting my actions now Let your friends talk you down from the ledge about him. Don't second guess a good decision. You're simply upset and that pain will fade faster than continuing it by reuniting with a selfish nasty man like this.
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