FMW Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 I was watching an old episode of Dateline and it included references to one partner always being more in love than the other. It also mentioned how that balance can shift from time to time. I guess it makes sense that no two people are always going to be feeling the love or even commitment exactly the same as the other person all the time, and even each person is not going to feel things exactly the same way at all times within themselves. It's a popular - and reasonable - belief that whoever loves the least has the most power in a relationship, but maybe that's only true in short term relationships. So it made me curious how that all plays out over the long term. My own experience is a mixed bag. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 53 minutes ago, FMW said: references to one partner always being more in love than the other.What do you think? Makes sense that nothing aligns 100%, however it's important to be in the same ballpark so it's not one-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 How exactly do you quantify the "amount" of love? What is the measure? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 Things in Marriage and life are never as we were led to believe. At any given time, one or the other is in love, out of love or somewhere in between. Sometime, one side is more committed then the other. This is just life and human behavior. The trick is to remember why you are married, and why you want to stay together. Remembering this carries you over the time you are feeling less towards the other. There is a glue the keeps each other together in a marriage. Love is just a part. Other parts, maybe loyally, kids, responsibility, and sometime fear. All of these can contribute to keeping you both together until the love comes back. Love comes and goes. Love, if you kook for it, will come back. The wise person knows this and works on keep and finding this during their marriage no matter how things wax and wane. My two cents.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 (edited) @FMW, can you guide me to where to stream the Dateline episode you referenced? I'd like to watch it. My view is relationships are a balance between the desire to feel close and connected and the desire to feel autonomous. I think that might be where the "one person always loves more" mindset comes from and it often shifts from one partner to the other. Esther Perel discusses this in her books and videos. This balance between needing both autonomy and connection and if a couple doesn't understand it, how it can cause problems. I don't thinks it's about one partner necessarily "loving" the other more, or less; it's more about one partner feeling more autonomous than the other at any given point in time and their partner interpreting that as meaning they love them less during those times. Edited November 20, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 It might look like someone who "cares less" walks away from a relationship more "scot-free," but it's only a shallow impression. Typically, whoever leaves a relationship with the most scars is the true winner. At least in virtue. Link to post Share on other sites
BootsAndJeans Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) There is a big difference between "being in love / feeling in love" than there is to loving. Being in/falling in love are emotional states, that wax and wane and are at their highest early ina relationship. I would suggest that real love is an action. Loving someone means showing them in words and actions on a daily basis, the depth of your connection and commitment. In any relationship, especially a ling-term marriege, there are going to be times when one spouse is more giving than the other. We are all human and stresses impact people differently. Edited November 21, 2022 by BootsAndJeans Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) Falling out of love is what allows us to walk away from a failed relationship with more ease, so I get that. But it's never even occurred to me that hubby or I might love each other less than the other. We just do love each other and that's that. Perhaps it's because we are both secure that we don't question it? Edit to add: how do they get accurate data on who loves more in a stable relationship? And how do they compare one person's feelings to their partner's feelings when they may describe those feelings differently? I'm going to say that "one person always loves more" is a hypothesis rather than a fact. Edited November 21, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FMW Posted November 21, 2022 Author Share Posted November 21, 2022 I agree that the idea is just that - an idea, a hypothesis. Anyone familiar with Dateline knows they like to weave a story and it added a little flavor. The idea just caught my attention and I wondered what others thought. I think it's likely that in stable and relatively happy partnerships the love just is, but the way each demonstrates that love can be different. Differences in the depth of love, and definitely differences in commitment, are probably accompanied by drama and don't lead to long-term relationships. I've only had two relationships that I really consider to have been serious. My former 23 year marriage was with someone that I do believe at least initially loved me more than I loved him. I think the imbalance helped to create the circumstances that ended up with his being unfaithful. My current 3 year relationship has seemed to be fairly balanced with respect to how much we love each other. We suffered a brief crisis a few months ago (apparently brought about by his mental/emotional health issues) that has affected how secure I feel about it. But neither my love for him nor the love he shows me has changed. What I'm gathering from most of the responses is that the idea of love inequality isn't something that is a thing in longer term and stable relationships. Thanks for the discussion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 Someone could be deeply in love and not be very demonstrative with their partner. And, vice versa - someone could be very demonstrative without sincerely loving the other. Different variables produce different results. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FMW Posted November 22, 2022 Author Share Posted November 22, 2022 The idea brought out in the show that caught my attention was how much one person really loved the other, not how they showed it. I agree, that some people are more reserved with true emotion while others can be mostly for show with their apparent affection. I loved my ex-husband, but not the same way I love my current partner. I thought my feelings for my ex-husband were what they should be, it was only later that I found out they were less than what I was capable of experiencing. And less than what we both apparently needed in order to be content together. I always thought I just wasn't very demonstrative. I only discovered later in life, after my marriage failed, that I could indeed be demonstrative when the feeling was there. So that's an example of it coming down to the nature of the love I felt for a specific person. My current partner isn't very demonstrative, rarely says romantic things. But I feel loved and I think we're on the same page with the level/depth of our feelings. (The issue we have isn't because of inequality of feeling, but instability with mental/emotional health.) There is a different feeling between deep love and love that's more just affection. But maybe if both partners are feeling true and deep love then inequality, if present at all, is negligible. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 13 hours ago, FMW said: I think it's likely that in stable and relatively happy partnerships the love just is, but the way each demonstrates that love can be different. Differences in the depth of love, and definitely differences in commitment, are probably accompanied by drama and don't lead to long-term relationships. Yes, I think you've arrived at the right conclusion here. I would probably add the caveat of "happy/healthy" long-term relationships, as there are unfortunately marriages that only exist because the people involved were afraid to leave for various reasons (while the love was lost a long time ago). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BootsAndJeans Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 Who loves who more? I find it really hard to understand this. How can you put a quantitative measurement on what is a purely subjective, qualitative thing? Does that fact that my wife says "I love you" more than I say it, mean that she loves me more? Does that fact that I carry out acts of service more than she, mean that I love her more? I hope others can understand how ridiculous and childish this sounds. Rather, in my view, I love my wife fully and to the best of my ability. Do I fall short sometimes? I am sure I do. But one this is for certain, I would lay dwon my life to protect her and as importantly, I live my life with her in my mind and heart. I know she is the same. As per the Dateline thing, I think this really is talking about a spouse not being fuly committed to the other, be it menatally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. Per my earlier comment, I truly believe that love is a choice, expressed in actions and words (an by not doing or saying other things). That choice in to love in a long-term relationship or marriage, has to be based on a full and total commitment to the other and the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 I had saved this article because it struck a chord with me at the time. My mind went back to that when I read your post. Thought it was worth sharing. The Things They Forgot To Tell Me About Love | by Assumpta Nalubowa | Age of Empathy | Nov, 2022 | Medium Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 On 11/20/2022 at 10:01 AM, poppyfields said: @FMW, can you guide me to where to stream the Dateline episode you referenced? I'd like to watch it. Asking this again @FMW or do you remember the name of the episode? Hubs and I would really like to watch it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FMW Posted November 25, 2022 Author Share Posted November 25, 2022 (edited) Sorry @poppyfields - I don't have the episode information. I was watching it at my mom's house on satellite tv, not on my own streaming service. I tried to do a search using my Peacock account but didn't have any luck. [ ] Edited November 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 On 11/19/2022 at 9:25 AM, FMW said: It's a popular - and reasonable - belief that whoever loves the least has the most power in a relationship, but maybe that's only true in short term relationships. So it made me curious how that all plays out over the long term. My own experience is a mixed bag. I tend to agree. What good is "power" if it just leads to your partner resenting you? A relationship is a mutual decision to be together. If you truly need "power" you're presumably doing things that your partner has a problem with and/or being overly controlling. In the longer run it's better to resolve things via reasonable compromise, so the partner and you are both happy and inclined to stick around. Not every relationship works well per the above, and no doubt many continue anyhow. However, I'd bet most of those relationships have "fault lines" like substantial unspoken resentment or "subversive" (for lack of a better word) activities, and that at least one if not both are significantly less happy than they should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soniya_steve Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 Yes it is often observed that one partner loves more than another partner it's all about understanding and what your loved one means to you that spark the love always grow Link to post Share on other sites
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