Guy playing games, what to do [merged thread]

[JTSW]

He is so immature and pathetic.

Don't waste your time and energy analysing anything.

He's trying to get a rise out of you but you just to act totally unbothered if you see them.

[flow28]

On 4/24/2023 at 10:04 AM, JTSW said:

He is so immature and pathetic.

Don't waste your time and energy analysing anything.

He's trying to get a rise out of you but you just to act totally unbothered if you see them.

What if he felt rejected/ignored by me in the past and now he's punishing me? Why did he say "you never liked me" back then when I started ignoring him? He replied to my apology for that "wasting another's time" text that he's not mad but also that I'm making everything worse. At the same time he said he never had and doesn't have any negative emotions towards me. All of that after telling me I was worsening everything. He completely dismissed my explanations and thoughts after I admitted I felt played by him in the past and hence I ignored him. Don't get me wrong, I already have dates with new men lined up at this point but I'm just trying to understand what went wrong with this guy and whether I was the one who messed it up. Why does he want to get a rise out of me? I mean what does he get out of it? Furthermore, when I told him he doesn't want to consider my point of view he answered "you don't know what others go through either". I don't know what that's supposed to mean. 

Edited May 27, 2023 by flow28

[Rider on the Storm]

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

What if he felt rejected/ignored by me in the past and now he's punishing me? Why did he say "you never liked me" back then when I started ignoring him? He replied to my apology for that "wasting another's time" text that he's not mad but also that I'm making everything worse. At the same time he said he never had and doesn't have any negative emotions towards me. All of that after telling me I was worsening everything. He completely dismissed my explanations and thoughts after I admitted I felt played by him in the past and hence I ignored him. Don't get me wrong, I already have dates with new men lined up at this point but I'm just trying to understand what went wrong with this guy and whether I was the one who messed it up. Why does he want to get a rise out of me? I mean what does he get out of it? Furthermore, when I told him he doesn't want to consider my point of view he answered "you don't know what others go through either". I don't know what that's supposed to mean. 

I just finished reading this thread and boy was it brutal. This guy isn't interested in you in the least! Honestly, he has basically spelled it out for you without saying the exact words. According to you .. he ran from you. It does NOT get any more clear than that!  I'm not sure what else you would even want at this point. Quit making up these stories in your head where if it wasn't for this or that you two would be a thing. The guy is not interested in you! He probably isn't attracted to you. At this point, you have made yourself appear as if you are an off balance delusional stalker.

Based on your version of events, it would be very difficult for me to fault this guy for anything. It sounds like he wanted to be friends. You wanted more. He showed very obvious signs that he was NOT interested in you. You would not accept that because, in your mind, the two of you talking and texting with some light flirting means that he either accepts your date proposals, otherwise he is supposedly this unreasonable, vicious creature.

I don't mean to be mean or cruel, but seriously, STOP! He doesn't like you in that way. Spending months analyzing this and asking "what ifs" makes you seem really off-balance. I don't think him considering a restraining order at this point would be unreasonable.

[flow28]

We're not in contact with each other anymore so he doesn't need a restraining order. I just keep telling myself if I hadn't done this or that he wouldn't have lost interest. If he wanted to be friends he shouldn't have touched my hand/shoulder/forearm/fingers or winked at me in the first place. Friends don't really do something like this. He was doing these deliberately. He shouldn't have done that because it may give someone the wrong idea. And then he pretends I'm the insane one. It was perfectly understandable for me to get the wrong idea. 

[shellzbellz83]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

What if he felt rejected/ignored by me in the past and now he's punishing me? Why did he say "you never liked me" back then when I started ignoring him? He replied to my apology for that "wasting another's time" text that he's not mad but also that I'm making everything worse. At the same time he said he never had and doesn't have any negative emotions towards me. All of that after telling me I was worsening everything. He completely dismissed my explanations and thoughts after I admitted I felt played by him in the past and hence I ignored him. Don't get me wrong, I already have dates with new men lined up at this point but I'm just trying to understand what went wrong with this guy and whether I was the one who messed it up. Why does he want to get a rise out of me? I mean what does he get out of it? Furthermore, when I told him he doesn't want to consider my point of view he answered "you don't know what others go through either". I don't know what that's supposed to mean. 

What went wrong is that he was never really interested in you. The bigger question is why you can't accept it.

[Rider on the Storm]

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

We're not in contact with each other anymore so he doesn't need a restraining order. I just keep telling myself if I hadn't done this or that he wouldn't have lost interest. If he wanted to be friends he shouldn't have touched my hand/shoulder/forearm/fingers or winked at me in the first place. Friends don't really do something like this. He was doing these deliberately. He shouldn't have done that because it may give someone the wrong idea. And then he pretends I'm the insane one. It was perfectly understandable for me to get the wrong idea. 

Wrong. Listen, I consider myself a friendly guy. I'm sure some women would consider me flirty. I have women that flirt back with me on a weekly basis that I don't believe have any interest in dating me. Just this week, a friend of mine and I were talking (she has a boyfriend). When I said I better get going, she responded, "Awe. I was having fun flirting with you". I think she's very attractive, but again, she has a boyfriend. Last night, I attended an event where a lady that I know started "jokingly" massaging my back. Her boyfriend was actually at this event! I'm not arguing the appropriateness of this behavior, but it does happen. My point is, some people are friendly and flirty. Yes! It can be frustrating when you are attracted to someone and someone seems to be flirting back, but doesn't express interest beyond that flirting. You need to feel these situations out to see the true interest. Some may disagree, but touching one's hand, or winking at someone isn't necessarily indicative of someone wanting to date you. When you asked this guy out repeatedly and he repeatedly dodged you, he gave you his answer! In fact, he gave you a very clear answer! He shouldn't have to say the word "no" for you to be able to figure out he isn't interested. Seriously, it's time to move on and stop pretending that he was ever truly interested in you to begin with. He wasn't. There are others that will be. Start pursuing those opportunities.

Edited May 27, 2023 by Rider on the Storm

[glows]

Some people are naturally flirty or touchy feely. Remember it takes time to get to know someone. Be more selective and take your time in future. If someone isn’t sharing as much as you are or it seems one sided, you’re just not on the same wavelength. It seems you did share quite a lot of what you feel with him. Maybe you feel duped into believing he cared when he was just paying lip service or spouting meaningless crap to you appearing he cared.

I want to emphasize it doesn’t appear that anyone did anything wrong. You misunderstood his gestures or intent. He may be a flirt or a player or maybe not. Perhaps he did like you at one point and realized it’s not going to work. Rejection hurts but steer clear and give yourself time to heal. 

That anger is going to eat you up. Do you see him often? 

And why do you want some dude who loses interest at “squirrel!” or has never been interested in the first place? Don’t lose your cool here for this guy. He’s not worth your joy if he can’t stick around or shows he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. 

[flow28]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Some people are naturally flirty or touchy feely. Remember it takes time to get to know someone. Be more selective and take your time in future. If someone isn’t sharing as much as you are or it seems one sided, you’re just not on the same wavelength. It seems you did share quite a lot of what you feel with him. Maybe you feel duped into believing he cared when he was just paying lip service or spouting meaningless crap to you appearing he cared.

I want to emphasize it doesn’t appear that anyone did anything wrong. You misunderstood his gestures or intent. He may be a flirt or a player or maybe not. Perhaps he did like you at one point and realized it’s not going to work. Rejection hurts but steer clear and give yourself time to heal. 

That anger is going to eat you up. Do you see him often? 

And why do you want some dude who loses interest at “squirrel!” or has never been interested in the first place? Don’t lose your cool here for this guy. He’s not worth your joy if he can’t stick around or shows he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. 

There will soon be a holiday break so I won't see him for the next few months but then I will still have to see him from time to time for one year in class or in lectures since there's one year left. The reality of this is also that I've been chasing the feeling of being worthy, of being good enough in his eyes. Now that he's going for her it has me wondering what she has that I don't. She's a decently attractive girl just like me but not the prettiest of models, just like me. In fact we really look alike. It has me feeling like I'm worthless compared to her. His attention, besides the fact that I liked him, also validated me and gave me the feeling that I'm good enough. When he was cold my self-esteem would go down again and I would try to chase that good feeling again. I don't know how to stop thinking of myself as inferior to her. Everything he's done made me feel worthless. I'm pretty talented in some areas and I generally think of myself as unique and a catch but him not seeing it makes me feel like I'm not as 'unique' as I thought. He made me feel like a nobody, in spite of the good self-image I had of myself before I met him. 

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, flow28 said:

 Now that he's going for her it has me wondering what she has that I don't. She's a decently attractive girl just like me but not the prettiest of models, just like me. In fact we really look alike. 

Looks may draw attraction in the beginning, but it's the personality which sets things in stone.   The truth is likely that they simply vibe well together, and things are easy and smooth.

From what you've written, your connection with him was filled with drama.  Now, I'm not going to place any blame, but why would he want to date you when you're already driving each other nuts?   And why would you want to get involved with him?

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, flow28 said:

What if he felt rejected/ignored by me in the past and now he's punishing me? 

I think he is interested in a woman who is not you, and is pursuing her.  At least, this is what you've described.  It doesn't have anything to do with you.  Time to forget this guy and spend some time off from dating.   

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, flow28 said:

What if he felt rejected/ignored by me in the past and now he's punishing me?

Nah. That's quite a reach. 

He met someone else he liked and decided to explore that. It has nothing to do with you.  All of this ruminating about not being good enough is a sign of deeper self-esteem problems inside you, which you need to address. It also doesn't serve you to keep dwellig on what he should or shouldn't have done. You can't change any of it, so you need to accept what is rather than what should have been.

Focus on getting back to a better emotional place, and then think about dating again. You have to move on from all of this. 

[Weezy1973]

13 hours ago, flow28 said:

The reality of this is also that I've been chasing the feeling of being worthy, of being good enough…

Yes, this is the core of the issue. You have low self-worth and trying to use external validation to get it. External validation never works. Your low self worth came before this guy and will exist after this guy and will exist even if a guy you like, likes you back. And then it will sabotage any chance at a healthy relationship

You need to figure out the self worth part first, usually through therapy, and then date after. Also bear in mind one cans have high self-esteem, yet low self-worth. They’re not the same thing and often that can be confusing to some folks.. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

He could be shy and insecure about himself in asking you out.  Or perhaps, He has another girl he is dating or beginning to  to "talk" to.  Or he could be Gay and is unsure how you'd feel about him being so.  Also, He could have mental issues that is causing him a problem in dating anyone just yet.  Or to hang out.  He is finding excuses though.  This is  a red flag.

Edited May 28, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[glows]

15 hours ago, flow28 said:

There will soon be a holiday break so I won't see him for the next few months but then I will still have to see him from time to time for one year in class or in lectures since there's one year left. The reality of this is also that I've been chasing the feeling of being worthy, of being good enough in his eyes. Now that he's going for her it has me wondering what she has that I don't. She's a decently attractive girl just like me but not the prettiest of models, just like me. In fact we really look alike. It has me feeling like I'm worthless compared to her. His attention, besides the fact that I liked him, also validated me and gave me the feeling that I'm good enough. When he was cold my self-esteem would go down again and I would try to chase that good feeling again. I don't know how to stop thinking of myself as inferior to her. Everything he's done made me feel worthless. I'm pretty talented in some areas and I generally think of myself as unique and a catch but him not seeing it makes me feel like I'm not as 'unique' as I thought. He made me feel like a nobody, in spite of the good self-image I had of myself before I met him. 

Most people feel down and insecure when rejected for someone else. The reality is you can be unique and a catch and he’s still not that into you. Feeling inferior may be a reality check. Ironically I don’t always think this is a bad thing at all. It can prompt self-growth and be a catalyst for change if we recognize areas in ourselves that need improvement. 

“Everything he’s done made me feel worthless” is assigning a great deal of responsibility to one person and also not enough accountability for your own actions. You’re very self-aware and know how you feel but we also cannot control the way the others feel or behave. The most that you can do is recognize right away when someone doesn’t reciprocate those same feelings and immediately respect that. Pause and step away. Continuing pursuit keeps reinforcing the idea of worthlessness.

In reality this is also so much about respect for another person and accepting him as you learn to accept yourself. In respecting yourself and what you bring in relationships, you’re equally respecting others and their wishes or desires even if it has nothing to do with you. He is entitled to how he feels. So are you but know when to stop and respect that. You’re also telling yourself that it’s okay that he doesn’t feel the same way. 

Now you’re here and he’s there with her. That’s fine. Tell yourself it’s perfectly ok for him to date someone else and it doesn’t have to be you. That’s respect right there and you’re also reinforcing and telling yourself you’re going to be fine no matter what. Your worth doesn’t always have to come in the way others feel about you. You can learn to feel good about yourself and the way you react to situations also.

 

[stillafool]

On 5/27/2023 at 2:27 PM, flow28 said:

We're not in contact with each other anymore so he doesn't need a restraining order. I just keep telling myself if I hadn't done this or that he wouldn't have lost interest. If he wanted to be friends he shouldn't have touched my hand/shoulder/forearm/fingers or winked at me in the first place. Friends don't really do something like this. He was doing these deliberately. He shouldn't have done that because it may give someone the wrong idea. And then he pretends I'm the insane one. It was perfectly understandable for me to get the wrong idea. 

My goodness touch my friends and we're all women.  A touch or a wink between friends means absolutely zilch.  Stop trying to find one grain of an example to pretend he had some sort of romantic feelings towards you.  He's made it clear months ago he doesn't.  It's good you're now going out with some guys to perhaps move on from your obsession with this one.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, flow28 said:

 made me feel worthless. makes me feel like I'm not as 'unique' as I thought.  me feel like a nobody, in spite of the good self-image

Sorry this is happening. Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings of inadequacy.  Even though you're disappointed about this crush, it doesn't mean "you're nobody". 

If you can talk to your parents ask them to take you to a therapist to help you sort out how you feel. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't worry about other girls at your school. 

Make your own new friends and join some groups and clubs and sports. This guy isn't the last boy on earth. 

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, flow28 said:

His attention, besides the fact that I liked him, also validated me and gave me the feeling that I'm good enough.

Don't let any man be the source of your validation or you will end up hurt and deflated.  Learn to validate yourself through your good work and accomplishments.  The good news is this guy isn't the last guy on earth and there are plenty more to discover and explore.  

[flow28]

Honestly everything that happened really brings narcissistic abuse into mind. He always behaved in an arrogant fashion, always boasted and looked down his nose at me. This kind of guy needs a girl to fawn all over him and treat him like a god. Whenever she shows boundaries and whenever she criticizes him in any way he starts to see her as a traitor. How dare she thinks he does something wrong? In his mind he is perfect. He can't stand being criticized or ignored, he can't stand anyone thinking of him as anything less than perfect so he wants to punish the victim. That's why the victim feels so crushed. I was lovebombed from the start and manipulated just to fall in love and give him that adoration. Her crying over him later is his supply. That's what he wants. 

Edited May 29, 2023 by flow28

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Honestly everything that happened really brings narcissistic abuse into mind. 

You mentioned he casually said let's hang out but then it never materialized. That's ok you never dated and an unrequited crush is not "abuse". Why are you observing him and his GF this much? Just walk away and date other boys.

[Alpacalia]

Mmm. Perhaps you're right.

Put up with it and you're just facilitating it. Then you are saying I should be mistreated. It's like well, it's okay, it's okay to treat me in a way that is harmful to me and everyone else. It's like, actually no. That's not okay. That's not the least bit okay.

Choose people who elevate you.

It is not this guy.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

Honestly everything that happened really brings narcissistic abuse into mind. He always behaved in an arrogant fashion, always boasted and looked down his nose at me. This kind of guy needs a girl to fawn all over him and treat him like a god. Whenever she shows boundaries and whenever she criticizes him in any way he starts to see her as a traitor. How dare she thinks he does something wrong? In his mind he is perfect. He can't stand being criticized or ignored, he can't stand anyone thinking of him as anything less than perfect so he wants to punish the victim. That's why the victim feels so crushed. I was lovebombed from the start and manipulated just to fall in love and give him that adoration. Her crying over him later is his supply. That's what he wants. 

Someone has been reading too much google. You threw yourself at his feet, he felt flattered, he flirted back a little but he was not really interested so he never made an effort to take you on a date. I don't know how you got to fall in love with a man that never made an effort to take you out once? I think you were blinded by your crush on him and now you're mad at him because he doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. Lovebombing is someone that wants and does spend all of his time with you, after 2 weeks he acts with you like you've been dating a full year. This is not it. 

This is you having a crush on a man that did not reciprocate and now you need to make him a villain. 

[Versacehottie]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Someone has been reading too much google. You threw yourself at his feet, he felt flattered, he flirted back a little but he was not really interested so he never made an effort to take you on a date. I don't know how you got to fall in love with a man that never made an effort to take you out once? I think you were blinded by your crush on him and now you're mad at him because he doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. Lovebombing is someone that wants and does spend all of his time with you, after 2 weeks he acts with you like you've been dating a full year. This is not it. 

This is you having a crush on a man that did not reciprocate and now you need to make him a villain. 

I completely agree!!! 

I think at this distance of time from the original flirtation, OP, you are being extremely unhealthy and unrealistic about this. You got rejected, period. 

If someone wanted to go armchair psychiatrist on the whole situation, they could probably equally argue that "not accepting" the current situation is a form of narcissism on your part. I'm not directly saying that to you or that you are but there is obviously a great amount of ego stuff at play in you just not accepting that he doesn't want to date you. Even saying all the horrible abuse/victim stuff in your most recent post about him is you putting this guy on a pedestal or in your focus rather than putting the focus on yourself.  There is way too much mind gymnastics going on here, OP. He's not into you for dating.

I forgot who said it but they said that you seem to have low self-esteem and that it was there before this guy, during this guy and will be there AFTER this guy unless you deal with it. More than half of what I see going on has to do with you and how you are interpreting things and choose to respond to things. Meaning your way out of this is to focus on yourself in a HEALTHY manner. Coming up with accusations of abuse and all that b.s is not helping you, either in the present nor as you move forward into the future.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Versacehottie

[flow28]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Someone has been reading too much google. You threw yourself at his feet, he felt flattered, he flirted back a little but he was not really interested so he never made an effort to take you on a date. I don't know how you got to fall in love with a man that never made an effort to take you out once? I think you were blinded by your crush on him and now you're mad at him because he doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. Lovebombing is someone that wants and does spend all of his time with you, after 2 weeks he acts with you like you've been dating a full year. This is not it. 

This is you having a crush on a man that did not reciprocate and now you need to make him a villain. 

Then why did he say "you never liked me" back then when I ignored his text or started treating him like he doesn't exist because I was angry? What's the point of saying such things when you're not interested? To get back the supply of attention? He shouldn't say such things. He manipulated me by acting hot again when I had enough of his bs. 

Edited May 29, 2023 by flow28

[Versacehottie]

12 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Then why did he say "you never liked me" back then when I ignored his text or started treating him like he doesn't exist because I was angry? What's the point of saying such things when you're not interested? To get back the supply of attention? He shouldn't say such things. He manipulated me by acting hot again when I had enough of his bs. 

You focusing on silly minutia as if this is a solvable riddle rather than focusing on the big picture item staring you in the face: he rejected you and has not taken you on a date. 

Reality check.

[stillafool]

On 3/25/2023 at 8:23 PM, flow28 said:

I asked him out multiple times, I'm sure he must've noticed something. 

But didn't you notice by him rejecting you multiple times, that he wasn't interested in you?