Guy playing games, what to do [merged thread]

[mark clemson]

On 3/23/2023 at 2:38 PM, flow28 said:

Male perspective is especially welcome.

There is no single "male perspective". My perspective is: drama and game-playing. On both your parts. Maybe not deliberate, but that's what it amounts too.

You wait for him to ask you, then pull way back, then ask him out. No wonder he's confused.

I do think he's what some of our other forum contributors (correctly) label a "time-waster". The either seek the validation of your interest, but don't follow through, or back burner you while looking for something even more appealing. Such folks are out there.

Things shouldn't be this complicated and they aren't with someone who is genuinely interested and knows how to engage others and how to establish a relationship. Something he certainly doesn't seem to be. At least one of those 3 pieces appears to be missing.

It's too bad he's your crush. Is that why you've been willing to stick around for more of this time-wasting? If you're emotionally attached that may interfere with you starting a new, functioning relationship with someone else until you're over him.

Edited March 26, 2023 by mark clemson

[flow28]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There is no single "male perspective". My perspective is: drama and game-playing. On both your parts. Maybe not deliberate, but that's what it amounts too.

You wait for him to ask you, then pull way back, then ask him out. No wonder he's confused.

I do think he's what some of our other forum contributors (correctly) label a "time-waster". The either seek the validation of your interest, but don't follow through, or back burner you while looking for something even more appealing. Such folks are out there.

Things shouldn't be this complicated and they aren't with someone who is genuinely interested and knows how to engage others and how to establish a relationship. Something he certainly doesn't seem to be. At least one of those 3 pieces appears to be missing.

It's too bad he's your crush. Is that why you've been willing to stick around for more of this time-wasting? If you're emotionally attached that may interfere with you starting a new, functioning relationship with someone else until you're over him.

Yes, unfortunately. No matter the reasons for his behaviour I'm moving on because it doesn't change the outcome. Jerks can stay far far away.

[flow28]

8 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

This sound crazy^^^^...you are looking to place blame on someone who doesn't want to date you instead of just moving on. It's pedantic to get caught up in this part and try to figure it out and be angry about it and try to force an answer (which I'm sure he's told you in direct and indirect ways, surely indirectly!), when what you need to do just move on. 

What do you really foresee dating someone who has treated you this way and on which you have this stance, would be like? It's super unbalanced and dysfunctional already. 

I'm not saying that the blame is solely on him tho, we are both at fault. He denied that he ever ran away from me which is even weirder because I'm not blind. Too bad, his attention drug is going to stop. I hope no other girl will go through the same thing when they get involved with him in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, girl, yikes. No. 

You need to learn when a guy is not interested, because you made yourself look rather desperate here. It's time to stop all contact with him. In the future, don't keep asking a guy out when he's wishy-washy and avoids actually planning a date with you. 

[introverted1]

On 3/23/2023 at 5:38 PM, flow28 said:

I feel if he wanted to, he really would at this point

And the corollary is:  Since he hasn't asked you out, he doesn't want to.

It really is that simple.

Time to move on.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

I hope no other girl will go through the same thing when they get involved with him in the future

He will do it again AND you will come across many other time wasters. Know to move to next real fast. If a man does not ask you out during the first week of contact you drop him. If a man does not ask you on a 2nd date within a few days, move on. 

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, flow28 said:

I'm not saying that the blame is solely on him tho, we are both at fault. He denied that he ever ran away from me which is even weirder because I'm not blind. Too bad, his attention drug is going to stop. I hope no other girl will go through the same thing when they get involved with him in the future.

Don't you see from your writing and thought processes and wording that you are entrenched in this...AS IF you are in a committed relationship and are OWED something when no commitment or promise has been made?  People you aren't committed to aren't giving you "the silent treatment",  they just aren't that interested in talking to you, and onto other priorities, perhaps no longer want to be in your life or communicate with you. 

Trying to place blame, parcel it out, take a portion of it on yourself is all a little delusional (sorry!) in this context.  It's presumes a moving forward relationship as a given when his actions alone show you it is not a given and that you are misinterpreting his intentions....and buying into his perceived intentions in the way you want them to be, ie that he must mean to date you. When it's pretty clear, he's lost interest in dating you. You're furious he strung you along, among other things...you are accusing him essentially of being a gaslighter above (my words, not yours), a glutton for attention, etc etc. So my question is if you think he's all these bad things, why are you characterizing this as a indignant LOSS of his attention/relationship moving forward when it is in the big picture for YOUR life, a WIN?  To me, that shows that you are sort of acting desperate and then you don't understand why he's mistreating you and more importantly (to you at least) doesn't want to date you. Listen, you need to show value to potential people you would date.  This is not how you do that.  You are basically showing him you have very little self-worth...and he is reflecting BACK that to you. You don't value yourself by chasing him (seems like sort of incessantly--I mean who started a conversation about "running away", um no just no); you are acting possessive over someone in a way that is out of touch with the reality of the situation, from which most normal people would conclude "oh she's desperate to have me at any cost--what's wrong with her?? something must be wrong with her; why wouldn't she move on? She must have no value". 

Even your post to me above with the bolded, your focus is on him and the minutia. Who cares if he needs an ego boost and it will hurt him that you don't give him one anymore? Who cares what happens with him and the next girl? Why are you hoping anything about his next budding relationship? The one thing you should be focused on is yourself and your next relationship. The level of emotional investment here ^^^ by you shows that you are not self-focused. I believe being more self-focused/self-confident would not have you reacting like this and would give you better outcomes in the future. Also have you ever wondered if reacting like this comes off as hotheaded and that is a turnoff for someone who might want to date you?  Being in control of your emotions usually signals to potential partners that you have an inner self-confidence and other dating options so are not easily rattled and are of high-value. I would guess if we are seeing this level of emotion in an anonymous forum, he probably saw much more or had to deal with much more---um and don't use that as an excuse to go try to apologize to him. The thing you need to do is: a) REALITY CHECK, ACCEPT REALITY b) BUILD YOUR SELF-WORTH. Chasing and ruminating over a guy who is not trying to date you, is neither of those things.

[NuevoYorko]

Good for you for moving on.  Please read through this thread; can you see where you went wrong in this situation?  Simply put, in your first sentences of the original post, you told the whole story:

Quote

He seemed interested but finally I got pissed because he never made actual plans with me and thought he was a player so I started acting like he didn't exist

He "seemed interested."  He suggested "hanging out" (NOT dating) but, he didn't do anything.   You reacted with anger and then acted out towards him.  That was inappropriate and probably came off to him as weird.  So he understandably started avoiding you. 

You have a lot of bad things to say about this guy but he's not here to talk about his experience.  You, however, are coming off as a bit scary.  Somebody flirting and not following through with anything further is absolutely socially acceptable.  In this case, it sounds like you are kind of "friends" with this guy since you are text buddies - so in this case it's even MORE acceptable and also likely that you may have misread friendly intention for something different.  Again, "hanging out"  (which is all he suggested to you) is not dating.

We will never know.  And it's not really important because you did get the real information you needed:  He was / is not interested in dating you.  

Next time, when a guy is clearly not making moves in a direction you want, MOVE ON and leave him alone.  Don't waste your emotional energy being angry and acting out.  It's not good for you.  Spend your emotional energy on your friends and guys where there is some potential - and do NOT get over invested with any who you are not actively dating and on the same page with.

[flow28]

The thing is he told me I can tell him anything that bothers me & I told him most of my concerns, that he wasn't being straight with me about if he wants to continue or not, and that I thought he wasn't interested so he knows what my problem is. He has decided not to address it, he said nothing to that. I know he doesn't really owe me anything but still the mistreatment, the lack of clarity says quite a bit about him. It tells me he basically doesn't give two shits about how I feel and how his actions affect me, and that he doesn't respect me at all which makes me lucky that he's not interested after all. I actually think he's doing it with malicious intent (he used to say certain things in the past indicating that I mistreated him after I temporarily stopped communication because I was angry, but I don't want to go into detail). Overall this situation is one huge drama. 

[NuevoYorko]

5 minutes ago, flow28 said:

The thing is he told me I can tell him anything that bothers me & I told him most of my concerns, that he wasn't being straight with me about if he wants to continue or not, and that I thought he wasn't interested so he knows what my problem is. He has decided not to address it, he said nothing to that. 

Look.  I would not have said anything to that either.  The best approach with a person who has been behaving like you have is to get distance.  Not "take the bait" and engage further.

Your irrational emotional response to this guy is NOT HIS PROBLEM.  It's 100% yours to deal with.    He is not required to help you through it by being forcefully rejecting towards you.  He was very clearly NOT INTERESTED and gave you all kinds of information on that - obviously you took it onboard, because you have shared it here.  

It's your own responsibility that you refused to "get the hint" and kept chasing him.

Honestly it doesn't matter whether he's an egomaniac who thrives on others' misery or just a regular guy who flirted a little and ended up with a problem on his hands, it's not his responsibility to say the right words to you to make you "get it."  He did enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

 I know he doesn't really owe me anything but still the mistreatment, the lack of clarity says quite a bit about him. It tells me he basically doesn't give two shits about how I feel

Yes, exactly. 

It's a cold dose of reality that he doesn't care. But what's more important is that you don't waste time with guys like this in the future. If they're all talk and no action, stop communicating with them. Don't continue to ask them out. 

[Versacehottie]

I realize that a lot of people come to this site looking for empathy/sympathy and are less looking for constructive and productive criticism or solutions to their problems. Which is it for you?

If I were in your shoes, I'd be curious about why I was finding myself in this situation--like what is it about me and my actions that led to this outcome? With the base knowledge that we can't change or control others, only ourselves, I'd be looking for ways where I could constructively ask myself why this happened to me and what I could do differently with the next guy..there is reason enough to assume that someone of a forum really wants those answers...lots of us can tell when they need them. I would say you need to approach this situation from that perspective: a learning tool & lessons for you vs wanting to re-ligitate his wrongs, both here and in your head. 

Let's take you 1000% at your word: he's stringing you along. Just that basic information, characterizing the situation. Ok then: Should he be stringing you along--no but HE IS and what is YOU doing about it?

There's a point after which a person should have enough information to make an informed decision that is best for them...wanting a person who is treating you badly to change is not one of the options in the choices in front of you--lol you can only control yourself and your actions. You have enough information for your informed decision.

I would recommend that you stop the blame game in your mind or on this forum because whether you are right or wrong, it attaches heightened emotion to it which makes it harder to move on. The more you can neutralize and turn down the volume on your emotion about this situation, the easier it will be to move on. 

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Honestly it doesn't matter whether he's an egomaniac who thrives on others' misery or just a regular guy who flirted a little and ended up with a problem on his hands, it's not his responsibility to say the right words to you to make you "get it."  He did enough.

I totally agree with this above...his reasons are for him and his prerogative. He's allowed to not want to date you and even mishandle his interactions with you. It's your responsibility to manage your response and not be irrational about things. I get it if you are disappointed and your hopes about a date with him are dashed--but again that is your responsibility to deal with, especially when you have enough information on the potential of this relationship which I think everyone contributing agrees that you have enough information to make a decision on how you handle yourself. Remember getting him to change is not an option in the choices you can make.

*maybe speak to a professional. While it's not nice if someone strings you along, your oversize reaction to it is sort of indicating some other stuff that you would probably benefit from seeing someone who can help you.

Edited March 26, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

Overall this situation is one huge drama. 

Sometimes it takes a while to distinguish the window shoppers from the buyers. In this case he's a classic timewaster.  Forget him. Next time just cut your losses if they're not asking you out in a timely manner.

[smackie9]

Stop just stop. If he won’t ask you out, just move on. 

[JTSW]

Good for you for deciding against giving him another chance.

He doesn't deserve it.

Edited March 27, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, flow28 said:

I told him most of my concerns, that he wasn't being straight with me about if he wants to continue or not, and that I thought he wasn't interested so he knows what my problem is. He has decided not to address it, he said nothing to that.

This says it all.

He's not interested in your feelings.

The only thing he responds to is flirting.

Edited March 27, 2023 by JTSW

[spiderowl]

On 3/23/2023 at 9:38 PM, flow28 said:

Male perspective is especially welcome. The story goes like this. My crush flirted with me and suggested to start hanging out regularly but neither of us ever made any plans. He seemed interested but finally I got pissed because he never made actual plans with me and thought he was a player so I started acting like he didn't exist. He stared at me a lot and seemed upset, after a while he started avoiding me. Then I asked him out to get rid of the uncertainty & got no answer. We started talking again though. When I asked him out the 2nd time he said he really wanted to but he was travelling at that time and I believe he did. He started texting me all the time for weeks, he'd mostly text first, he was flirty too. However, irl he was avoiding me, he would literally run away when he saw me. I told him that I noticed he was acting like that but he denied he ever avoided me or ran away.. He suggested via text to meet again but this time he wanted our friend to be with us too, which made me confused. I said I wanted it to be just the two of us. Again no plans were made. I messaged him that he's being manipulative and I have no more time to lose if he's not meeting up, I added that it doesn't take much effort to text. I said I wouldn't entertain him again until he took action. He stopped texting me as much. After a week he replied he was sorry that he didn't arrange a hang out and that he wants to continue what we have, he was flirty again. I said I was glad he's being honest and flirted with him back a little to give some encouragement. The problem is, he's still not making any actual plans. What should I do? I feel if he wanted to, he really would at this point.. 

He’s not interested in a romance with you so don’t waste any more time on him. He likes your attention but not for a date. If ever you feel very confused about how a crush is behaving with you, it means he is not interested. I would never ask a guy out. If he wants a date, he would have found a way to ask you and then would follow through. 

You are worth so much more than this half-hearted, evasive guy. Be proud, enjoy doing your fun hobbies and let the right guy come to you. It will happen 

[mortensorchid]

He's yanking your chain.  Move on. 

[flow28]

Update: I'm so pissed right now because after I told him to either hang out with me or waste time with someone else (because he didn't go out with me) he's now chasing another girl intensely and says hi to me always with a stupid smile/smirk but doesn't talk to me. He was chasing me like that in the beginning but then after all that drama he stopped. I have a feeling that he'll simply move on to her. Now I texted him I was sorry for saying it. Perhaps he just didn't have balls with me but he's comfortable and more confident with her because she's new. Or he's been playing me all along but tbh he seemed frightened of me whenever we talked, he had a bit shocked expression, adding to that texting me but running away irl. I can't help but blame myself now that he's going for her. However, I had asked him out multiple times. To me it looks like he's scared of being around me so he's going where it will be easier for him. I hate this s***. I will move on but the analyzing in my head is dragging me down. 

Edited April 23, 2023 by flow28

[Gaeta]

Didn't you say you were moving on? So why is this time-waster still on your radar? 

You have to accept he's not interested in you for a romance, and stop finding excuses like he's frighten! Really? He's not frighten at all ! You are behaving like it's impossible for a man to not be interested in you. 

This man has nothing special, did not treat you special, gave you nothing special so why are you so obsessed with him! He's a nobody! No spine, no integrity, no kindness, no sincerity, there is nothing to like about him so if he wants to go waste some other girl's time, let him!!

He's NOT dragging you down! *you* do that to yourself! And only you! Stop hangning on to him!

Edited April 23, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

. Now I texted him I was sorry for saying it, I had asked him out multiple times. 

He seems like a headache you don't need. Avoid him at school when possible. He seems to be playing head games.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Instead start talking to and going out with more interested men.  He's not the only boy at school so take him off the pedestal. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

I will move on but the analyzing in my head is dragging me down. 

Well then quit analyzing. The behavior of a man you are not dating is of no importance to you. What a waste of time and energy. 

[Weezy1973]

He’s just not that into you.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

He’s just not that into you.

Unfortunately this is true.  It doesn't sound like he's afraid of you at all if in the beginning he was chasing you.  It just sounds like he lost interest and that's why he declined your date offers.  He then became interested in someone else and is now chasing her.  It happens.  Just block him and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have to let go of him. 

He's not scared of you. He's just not interested in you and didn't have the stones to be honest about it. It's time to stop all communication with him and delete him everywhere.