Guy playing games, what to do [merged thread]

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

Yes, I decided to give it one more try by asking when he's available for the last third time. I told him it's the only way to prove that he indeed wants to continue. If he doesn't do anything, I'm really moving on. So far no answer, but I'll see what happens. Then I'll be absolutely certain and won't have to guess anymore.

Girl! Where's you woman's pride? 

This man rejected you twice already.

So let's say you end up seeing him, what you think will happen after? He'll be the same uninteresed joe blow that won't set up the 2nd date without you tugging at him again and again. Uninterested men don't become interested because we chase them.

[flow28]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Girl! Where's you woman's pride? 

This man rejected you twice already.

So let's say you end up seeing him, what you think will happen after? He'll be the same uninteresed joe blow that won't set up the 2nd date without you tugging at him again and again. Uninterested men don't become interested because we chase them.

Because even if he didn't respond the 1st time he still looked like he wanted to communicate, acting like he wanted me to notice him. When he put it off the 2nd time it was because he was travelling. Now he's here and said he wants to keep the relationship and told me I can always talk to him when something bothers me so I decided to let him prove how much he "wants to keep it". I always thought he just wasn't comfortable yet enough to hang out because irl he seems cowardly, but looks like he's just not interested. Like I said this is the last time I asked and if nothing happens I will move on. Even if something happens I will never take it seriously anymore and move on if he doesn't show initiative himself for the 2nd meeting. I'll always keep my options open from now on.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, flow28 said:

I'll always keep my options open from now on.

It's not a matter of keeping your options open, it's a matter of making good choices for yourself. l'm an experienced dater, l would never get out of my home comfort to meet a half-hearted man. I concentrated on men that showed me high interest and even then it took me a while to find my boyfriend, lf l had entertained all the half-hearted guys out there l'd still be single, probably jaded and discouraged. 

I don't know, maybe l have too much self worth, if a man ignored my message about meeting he'd be blocked. There are so many men out there that will treat you like a lady why waist your time on the weirdos.

 

Edited March 25, 2023 by Gaeta

[NuevoYorko]

34 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Because even if he didn't respond the 1st time he still looked like he wanted to communicate, acting like he wanted me to notice him. 

You're making up stories to tell yourself what you'd like to be true.  In fact, all of this is just fantasy.  If he wanted anything with you he would take an action.  In case he's socially impaired to the point where he is incapable of asking a woman out, then it's a hopeless case anyway.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

 I decided to give it one more try by asking when he's available for the last third time. So far no answer.

He seems like a timewaster. Sometimes it's lack of interest sometimes it's people who just want text buddies.

In a way it's good you confronted him, because  you were clear that it's dating or no more text buddies.

However prepare for more wishy-washy nonsense, because that's his track record so far. You're the one who will ultimately have to decide to cut your losses.

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, flow28 said:

Yes, I decided to give it one more try by asking when he's available for the last third time. I told him it's the only way to prove that he indeed wants to continue. If he doesn't do anything, I'm really moving on. So far no answer, but I'll see what happens. Then I'll be absolutely certain and won't have to guess anymore.

No, please don't do that. It's human nature and proven in many studies that the more a person "invests" into a relationship, the more they are waiting for it to pay off. Think of how this will chip away at your self-esteem. 

Also if you "move on" afterward, in reality I think we can all agree that you will just be not speaking to him UNTIL he again decides it's time to jerk you around some more. On a certain level., you would be BEST served by deciding yourself NOW that what he's offering isn't good enough for you. Do you honestly think it will be better or feel better if you are the one who chased him into this? Twisted his arm into one date? For which he will probably continue to jerk you around and string you along because you've shown how you yourself value your own worth. 

He's a big boy and can ask you out and follow through on his own. The fact that he doesn't should be enough for YOU to decide, he's not worthy of YOU.

[flow28]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems like a timewaster. Sometimes it's lack of interest sometimes it's people who just want text buddies.

In a way it's good you confronted him, because  you were clear that it's dating or no more text buddies.

However prepare for more wishy-washy nonsense, because that's his track record so far. You're the one who will ultimately have to decide to cut your losses.

Maybe he's also giving me the silent treatment because I called him manipulative and started being a bit mean. However, it's difficult not to get pissed when someone strings you along like that, showing lack of basic human decency.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Maybe he's also giving me the silent treatment 

Perhaps that's the best outcome because he seems like kind of a clown.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

I'll always keep my options open from now on.

Well that's what you've been doing anyway.  This guy isn't even an option because he's not biting.  All this "let him prove how much he "wants to keep it" has already been assessed and  he doesn't even care enough to get back to you in a timely manner.  He doesn't care enough about you to give you silent treatments nor does he care that you called him manipulative or starting acting mean.  He's not even thinking about you at this point; but has gone on about his weekend.  Probably dating someone.  At this point he isn't the one stringing you along, you're stringing yourself by still waiting for him to respond to you.  Please stop chasing this guy and value yourself more.

Edited March 25, 2023 by stillafool

[flow28]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps that's the best outcome because he seems like kind of a clown.

The funny thing is that he himself once told me that he is stupid and I should've believed him. When people tell you who they are, believe them. He's probably so unhappy and miserable with himself that he needs to drag other people to his level and ruin their happiness so that he feels better about his pathetic existence. Kind of sad but honestly he deserves it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Quit all this analyzing and over-thinking.

If you can't get together for WHATEVER REASON, whether you or him or the weather or the location of the stars--it doesn't matter. You can't arrange to get together, there is nothing happening. Move.

Note: this conclusion was clear once you guys mentioned going out and for you couldn't get it together. Doesn't matter whose fault. The fact is as a couple you couldn't get together. Pay attention to actions. I used to express interest in going out with all kinds of people. Fifteen minutes later, I had no interest. And so I didn't follow up.

Quit getting stuck on people's words. The actions are what matter.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

Maybe he's also giving me the silent treatment because I called him manipulative and started being a bit mean. However, it's difficult not to get pissed when someone strings you along like that, showing lack of basic human decency.

???  Nope.  His crime was "he seemed interested" but never made actual plans.  That is not a crime, that doesn't speak to his "human decency,"  or anything.  Aimless flirting or looking at somebody is socially acceptable, it doesn't have to mean anything.  For all you know, he learned something about you that changed his mind about "hanging out" with you (does that even mean "dating"?) 

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

The funny thing is that he himself once told me that he is stupid and I should've believed him. When people tell you who they are, believe them. He's probably so unhappy and miserable with himself that he needs to drag other people to his level and ruin their happiness so that he feels better about his pathetic existence. Kind of sad but honestly he deserves it. 

Wow.  You just wrote that you were going to try asking him out AGAIN.  Yet here you are ripping him a new one, making him out to be a truly evil character.

If you ask him out again after posting this ... you have a pretty big problem that has nothing to do with this fellow.

[flow28]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

???  Nope.  His crime was "he seemed interested" but never made actual plans.  That is not a crime, that doesn't speak to his "human decency,"  or anything.  Aimless flirting or looking at somebody is socially acceptable, it doesn't have to mean anything.  For all you know, he learned something about you that changed his mind about "hanging out" with you (does that even mean "dating"?) 

Wow.  You just wrote that you were going to try asking him out AGAIN.  Yet here you are ripping him a new one, making him out to be a truly evil character.

If you ask him out again after posting this ... you have a pretty big problem that has nothing to do with this fellow.

His crime is that he won't tell me straight up that he's not interested which is disrespectful and cowardly, and continuing to get my hopes up by "suggesting" to go out and flirting, purely for an ego boost or as an option, just so that I can't move on, knowing that I want something. Is that not evil in a way? I've wasted so much time on this difficult case that I'm truly pissed, but yes, it's actually my own fault that I didn't see through it sooner. I should've just moved on a long time ago. He clearly enjoys making other people unhappy when he could just end it and directly say "I'm not interested in you". If I'm not interested in someone I just don't make any effort not to lead them on because that's the decent thing to do. 

Edited March 25, 2023 by flow28

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, flow28 said:

If I'm not interested in someone I just don't make any effort not to lead them on because that's the decent thing to do. 

Believe it or not, men have a hard time rejecting women because they don't like to hurt our feelings and see us cry.  Instead they stop contact or are slow to contact hoping that sends the message that they are not interested.  A lot are not used to being put in a position to reject women the way we do with men, yet.  With this new dating style it's made it both easier and harder for both sexes to adapt to a certain degree.  

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, flow28 said:

His crime is that he won't tell me straight up that he's not interested which is disrespectful and cowardly, and continuing to get my hopes up by "suggesting" to go out and flirting, purely for an ego boost or as an option, just so that I can't move on, knowing that I want something.

He probably has no idea you are this desperate for him.

[Alpacalia]

38 minutes ago, flow28 said:

His crime is that he won't tell me straight up that he's not interested which is disrespectful and cowardly, and continuing to get my hopes up by "suggesting" to go out and flirting, purely for an ego boost or as an option, just so that I can't move on, knowing that I want something. Is that not evil in a way? I've wasted so much time on this difficult case that I'm truly pissed, but yes, it's actually my own fault that I didn't see through it sooner. I should've just moved on a long time ago. He clearly enjoys making other people unhappy when he could just end it and directly say "I'm not interested in you". If I'm not interested in someone I just don't make any effort not to lead them on because that's the decent thing to do. 

No, it is not evil in a way. It is certainly not the best or most respectful choice, but it is not evil. It might be a cowardly way to handle the situation, but it is not meant to actively harm anyone. For all you know he is not aware of the emotional impact of his behavior and he is simply trying to be kind without hurting your feelings.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and move on. It is not fair to put the blame on him for your own emotional state. You should try to accept that he is not interested in you and allow yourself to move on from it.

Edited March 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[flow28]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He probably has no idea you are this desperate for him.

I asked him out multiple times, I'm sure he must've noticed something. 

[flow28]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No, it is not evil in a way. It is certainly not the best or most respectful choice, but it is not evil. It might be a cowardly way to handle the situation, but it is not meant to actively harm anyone. For all you know he is not aware of the emotional impact of his behavior and he is simply trying to be kind without hurting your feelings.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and move on. It is not fair to put the blame on him for your own emotional state. You should try to accept that he is not interested in you and allow yourself to move on from it.

If he was trying to be kind, after noticing that I asked him out multiple times he would just stop contact altogether but he kept texting me everyday, almost always him initiating, sending hearts etc. This is not being kind, if he didn't want to hurt my feelings he would've stopped communicating/suggesting to go out/flirting to not give me the wrong idea. Like, if you're not interested why do these things in the first place? To make me feel better about being rejected? It's a damn joke. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, flow28 said:

if he didn't want to hurt my feelings he would've stopped communicating/suggesting to go out/flirting to not give me the wrong idea. Like, if you're not interested why do these things in the first place? 

Listen, what he does is not even about you. These time wasters are all about themselves and what attention they can squeeze out of women and for how long. He doesn't know or care how you feel, he's not consciously hurting you, he's too self centered and self serving to even realize how his actions affect you. 

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, flow28 said:

If he was trying to be kind, after noticing that I asked him out multiple times he would just stop contact altogether but he kept texting me everyday, almost always him initiating, sending hearts etc. This is not being kind, if he didn't want to hurt my feelings he would've stopped communicating/suggesting to go out/flirting to not give me the wrong idea. Like, if you're not interested why do these things in the first place? To make me feel better about being rejected? It's a damn joke. 

Observation: There has been no initiation from him to ask you out.

Observation: You made a move by asking him out, but he turned you down.

Conclusion: He is not interested in going out with you romantically.

It's a simple truth that he doesn't want to go on a date with you. However, he talks to you frequently because he values your friendship. It's worth noting that men can be friends without any romantic or sexual interest involved.

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, flow28 said:

If he was trying to be kind, after noticing that I asked him out multiple times he would just stop contact altogether

If you were kind to yourself you would have noticed after asking him out multiple times he wasn't interested and stopped asking him.  Why did you continue to pursue him instead of considering him a flake and blocking him from contact?

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, flow28 said:

Maybe he's also giving me the silent treatment because I called him manipulative and started being a bit mean. However, it's difficult not to get pissed when someone strings you along like that, showing lack of basic human decency.

I'm just going to be real with you...from the perspective of attachment theory stuff and psychology stuff, what you are doing when you aren't getting what you want from him, ie to take you on the date, is then you are poking at him by calling him manipulative and being mean.  If you believe those things about him, you wouldn't want to date him.  It's the psychological equivalent to throwing a tantrum to try to get a reaction--make him see what he is really losing or about to lose, provoke a reaction. It's not healthy and not the basis for a good relationship--even if it somewhat works in the short term. 

I would say the silent treatment means he regards himself better than you regard yourself and won't stand to be treated like that. Also he knows when he tries to reach out to you, you will make yourself available. In other words, you've already shown him all your cards by chasing him. Most dating scenarios like this rarely work out. He already has a perception of you that is not a good one for a person to commit to. He doesn't respect you. You should definitely cut your losses and stop chasing him or even think about going out with him. A very likely scenario is that your ego just wants to "win" and that is what is really going on subconsciously for you. I know you won't think that's what it is, but it is some of it for sure. Lol I think this is more psychological than I usually speak on here (not that you would know that but others would), but yeah this isn't good. 

For the bolded, I would ask, why are you trying to be "right" in this situation and STILL date him? If you think he's not treating you with normal decency, then like a flow chart, it should follow that you don't want to date people like that and would be done with him. 

*his "silent treatment" could mean he's done.  But TBH, you should be done'. What exactly are you trying to prove by dating a guy who has been this disrespectful to you? I would legit argue that him not wanting to date you and/or even just flirting and stringing you along a bit isn't "disrespectful" or a "lack of human decency" but rather having different agendas...He can persist at his, ie flirting when it suits him and not taking it any further maybe for an ego boost, who knows...and he gets what he wants...yet you are persisting at your agenda and not getting what you want. Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and advocate for yourself in the big picture--which is not what you are doing. You want to date someone and sounds like have a relationship and he's not giving you that. Bye bye. It's that simple.

[Versacehottie]

27 minutes ago, flow28 said:

If he was trying to be kind, after noticing that I asked him out multiple times he would just stop contact altogether but he kept texting me everyday, almost always him initiating, sending hearts etc. This is not being kind, if he didn't want to hurt my feelings he would've stopped communicating/suggesting to go out/flirting to not give me the wrong idea. Like, if you're not interested why do these things in the first place? To make me feel better about being rejected? It's a damn joke. 

Sorry, you need to take personal responsibility. You are getting mad at him about something you are ALLOWING even when it doesn't play out like you want it to. You 've spoken with him and repeatedly tried to get him to do what you want but he's not. At what point does continuing to allow that behavior switch from being "his fault" to being yours for letting it continue and be in your life. I think at this point, it is your responsibility to manage your life in order to go where you want it to go

Edited March 26, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

His crime is that he won't tell me straight up that he's not interested which is disrespectful and cowardly, and continuing to get my hopes up by "suggesting" to go out and flirting, purely for an ego boost or as an option, just so that I can't move on, knowing that I want something. Is that not evil in a way? I've wasted so much time on this difficult case that I'm truly pissed, but yes, it's actually my own fault that I didn't see through it sooner. I should've just moved on a long time ago. He clearly enjoys making other people unhappy when he could just end it and directly say "I'm not interested in you". If I'm not interested in someone I just don't make any effort not to lead them on because that's the decent thing to do. 

This sound crazy^^^^...you are looking to place blame on someone who doesn't want to date you instead of just moving on. It's pedantic to get caught up in this part and try to figure it out and be angry about it and try to force an answer (which I'm sure he's told you in direct and indirect ways, surely indirectly!), when what you need to do just move on. 

What do you really foresee dating someone who has treated you this way and on which you have this stance, would be like? It's super unbalanced and dysfunctional already. 

Edited March 26, 2023 by Versacehottie

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

His crime is that he won't tell me straight up that he's not interested which is disrespectful and cowardly,

No, it's not.  Not everyone is direct, and this person isn't someone close to you.  They owe you nothing.  He freaking RAN AWAY from you, according to your OP.  What more can you ask of a person when it comes to letting you know they're not interested?

2 hours ago, flow28 said:

and continuing to get my hopes up by "suggesting" to go out and flirting, purely for an ego boost or as an option, just so that I can't move on, knowing that I want something. Is that not evil in a way? I've wasted so much time on this difficult case that I'm truly pissed, but yes, it's actually my own fault that I didn't see through it sooner. I should've just moved on a long time ago. He clearly enjoys making other people unhappy when he could just end it and directly say "I'm not interested in you". If I'm not interested in someone I just don't make any effort not to lead them on because that's the decent thing to do. 

I'm sorry, but you really need to stop taking low key flirting to heart so much.  I understand it can be a sting to your ego, but it really is not that big of a deal.  You've given this person a tremendous amount of power over your emotions and life.  Move on.