Was I not good enough if she doesn't want to do long distance?

[DinkyPotato]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with @Elswyth.

Taking too long to meet is not going to cut it.

My cousin and his wife accidentally matched on a dating app over their common love of skiing. A teacher, she lived on the west coast, while he lived on the east coast. Later, she moved to be closer to him, and they married and had children.

She knows her needs better than you, and she doesn't see it happening. It's not personal. It's just life.

Yeah, she told me it was mainly due to wanting to finish school, find her footing with a career, feeling like it'd be a bad idea to uproot her whole life and move to a country she barely knows, and due to the timezone differences and lack of physical presence. I can understand her reasons, I guess I am just hard on myself because I always am, been a problem I've had since childhood.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/19/2022 at 9:06 AM, DinkyPotato said:

I sort of had a fairy tale view of love until very recently that pops its head; that feelings/love conquered all, including distance

This does not apply when you have never met the person in question, though. 

You two don't have an established foundation of love. You like each other's digital company, but this isn't love. That develops in person, not through devices. If you two had previously started your relationship in person and then distance separated you, it would be a different matter. But that's not what you have here. You have a young lady who you enjoy talking to but had never so much as been on a date with.

On 11/19/2022 at 9:06 AM, DinkyPotato said:

she noted that we may not have had the physical chemistry when we met too, just no way to know until you actually try it

That's true, but it would be a very expensive and time-consuming "try." This would be a more reasonable expectation if you lived in the same area, but you're talking international flights here. The amount of money you'd need to spend and the time you need to dedicate to an in-person meeting are not worth it just to try to see if you have chemistry with someone. 

In short, it's important to keep perspective and not get swept up in a fantasy that is not reallt viable offline. 

[BrinnM]

On 11/19/2022 at 8:05 AM, DinkyPotato said:

she probably wouldn't have been able to afford to see me very often (nor would I due to the situation in the UK),

What situation?

Look, IMO this was an online situationship/friendship, NOT a long-distance relationship. You haven’t even met her in person. Not sure what exactly you’re blaming yourself for, either. Other than not buying a ticket and flying over there to see her. But she didn’t do that, either, so it’s equally her “fault”, if you want to blame someone.

There is nothing you could’ve done differently. If traveling isn’t an option, due to financial reasons, date locally. At some point you’ll make your own money, and you will have the necessary financial resources to travel. Then you can date long-distance, too, if you feel like it.

I have done it, and it worked for me, but I knew the guy, I knew what he looked like, smelled like, how funny he was in person, how it felt when we made love when we got together etc. I would’ve never long-distance dated a random stranger from the “inter-webs” ….. 

 

Edited November 20, 2022 by BrinnM

[DinkyPotato]

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

What situation?

Look, IMO this was an online situationship/friendship, NOT a long-distance relationship. You haven’t even met her in person. Not sure what exactly you’re blaming yourself for, either. Other than not buying a ticket and flying over there to see her. But she didn’t do that, either, so it’s equally her “fault”, if you want to blame someone.

There is nothing you could’ve done differently. If traveling isn’t an option, due to financial reasons, date locally. At some point you’ll make your own money, and you will have the necessary financial resources to travel. Then you can date long-distance, too, if you feel like it.

I have done it, and it worked for me, but I knew the guy, I knew what he looked like, smelled like, how funny he was in person, how it felt when we made love when we got together etc. I would’ve never long-distance dated a random stranger from the “inter-webs” ….. 

 

Mortage rates and higher energy bills and taxes, haha.

Thank you for your blunt honesty, it was what I was looking for when I posted this. Thank you to everybody who has posted something here too. I agree, it was a lot to ask of her to want to stay committed to a guy she has never met to gamble on potentially having a connection when visiting. I doubt I'll be doing long-distance again, way too many unstable factors come into play, haha.

[basil67]

Good choice.  Long distance can work if you're going to meet each other relatively soon so that you're not putting your life on hold for someone you really don't know well.   Or, it can work if you've met face to face and have agreed plans for the logistics of one or both of you moving so that you can be near each other in a timely manner.

[DinkyPotato]

I wanted to thank each person who left a comment/constructive criticism and advice on my previous thread. I was in an irrational state and had failed to see the reality of the situation at the time; that long distance isn't for everyone, despite my ex reassuring me constantly. Your comments and words of wisdom helped in part to make me see things from a more objective lens, and why she couldn't handle the long distance, and what I've missed out on, and how it can't really grow a true relationship. I'm currently seeing someone about 3 miles away from my place, so much, much closer than the 1,000+ miles I had before.

 

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you to the community.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DinkyPotato said:

. I'm currently seeing someone about 3 miles away from my place, so much, much closer than the 1,000+ miles I had before.

Glad everything worked out for you. Good luck with the local lady.