Was I not good enough if she doesn't want to do long distance?

[DinkyPotato]

My ex broke up with me two months ago, stating she didn't think the relationship would work out long term due to being long distance, (not having enough money to see one another frequently due to us both being students, and the lack of physical presence).

I'm from the UK and she's from the USA, we were together for a year and a half. She said I did everything else right and I'm amazing, but I can't shake the feeling if I was better, she'd still want to be with me.  How do I just take her word for it, and has anybody else gone through anything similar, and your opinions on long distance, especially from those who can't do it.

[basil67]

Sorry it didn't work out for you.  

You asked for opinions from those who can't do long distance.  I'm one of those people, and it's not that I can't do it, it's that I wouldn't even try.   No matter how great that person was, the relationship simply wouldn't meet my needs.   When dating, I want a relationship with a lot of physical presence.   Someone I can hang out with, shop with, go to dinner with, have sex with, go to events with.   And if I'm being perfectly honest, I'd almost certainly cheat if I was in a LDR and clearly this is not a situation I'd put myself or a partner in. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't do it, either. 

The distance is too much, and the in-person time is not sufficient. Most people aren't going to be satisfied with a partner they barely see, who lives an ocean away. You can't build the same connection as with a local person, can't do the typical things couples do regularly, and it would leave me feeling alone and unhappy. It's just not a viable situation for most, myself included. 

[Els]

My husband and I did long distance for 2 years as students. We've been together for 15 years now, so it worked out for us.

My opinion is that while it can work, it is really, really, ridiculously HARD. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life... and believe me, I've done quite a few things that most people would consider hard. I wouldn't take it personally at all if a partner decided that they couldn't do it. Sometimes, even if you two had a great relationship and were very compatible, life circumstances can throw a wrench into things, and that's just... life.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, DinkyPotato said:

I'm from the UK and she's from the USA, we were together for a year and a half. 

Sorry this happened. Have you ever met in person? How do you know each other?

Consider it a blessing in disguise because now you'll feel freer to date local women you can see on a regular basis.

[Alpacalia]

Yes. My cousin and his wife were initially long distance. Both based in the US on opposite coasts. They met be random chance, so it worked for them.

In any event, writing is on the wall. She's not interested in long-distance. I'm sorry.

 

[DinkyPotato]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Have you ever met in person? How do you know each other?

Consider it a blessing in disguise because now you'll feel freer to date local women you can see on a regular basis.

We met on this app called Slowly which allows you to make pen pals across the world. We quickly moved from there to using other apps like WhatsApp. We planned to meet last year and this year but things got in the way. She went back to college after a break due to mental health.

[DinkyPotato]

14 hours ago, Elswyth said:

My husband and I did long distance for 2 years as students. We've been together for 15 years now, so it worked out for us.

My opinion is that while it can work, it is really, really, ridiculously HARD. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life... and believe me, I've done quite a few things that most people would consider hard. I wouldn't take it personally at all if a partner decided that they couldn't do it. Sometimes, even if you two had a great relationship and were very compatible, life circumstances can throw a wrench into things, and that's just... life.

Yeah, it sucks when life gets jn the way of something that otherwise would have worked out fine. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things even when I'm told it wasn't my fault, I keep having the thought in the back of my head telling me I wasn't doing enough/wasn't good enough, despite her saying I did everythkng right, she just thought about the distance more and deemed it not viable for several reasons.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, DinkyPotato said:

Yeah, it sucks when life gets jn the way of something that otherwise would have worked out fine. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things even when I'm told it wasn't my fault, I keep having the thought in the back of my head telling me I wasn't doing enough/wasn't good enough, despite her saying I did everythkng right, she just thought about the distance more and deemed it not viable for several reasons.

Yeah, it sucks when reality gets in the way of something that otherwise may have had potential. (fixed it for you)   

 In all truth, we don't really know someone until we've spent a vast amount of time with them face to face.  Thing is, when you're not together you don't have a lot of the annoying things which would end up being a dealbreaker, so you really don't know them properly.  I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm trying to help you process what this was.

Also, turn it around for a minute and make this not about what you did or didn't do.   Do you think that being in a distance relationship would have been ideal for her?   She's absolutely right that this wasn't viable...and I bet she gave you those reasons.  What did she actually say?

Edited November 18, 2022 by basil67

[DinkyPotato]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, it sucks when reality gets in the way of something that otherwise may have had potential. (fixed it for you)   

 In all truth, we don't really know someone until we've spent a vast amount of time with them face to face.  Thing is, when you're not together you don't have a lot of the annoying things which would end up being a dealbreaker, so you really don't know them properly.  I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm trying to help you process what this was.

Also, turn it around for a minute and make this not about what you did or didn't do.   Do you think that being in a distance relationship would have been ideal for her?   She's absolutely right that this wasn't viable...and I bet she gave you those reasons.  What did she actually say?

She basically said she reconsidered it and felt due to her status as a student and the expensive flights, and the wanting of physical presence, she didn't think it was a good idea. She says I'm amazing and I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just bad at not blaming myself for things.  We bonded really closely so I guess, despite it making sense, it still surprised me when she told me. 

Don't worry, I didn't process it as mean, I'd rather people be honest and get through past my irrational side haha.

[ShyViolet]

Don't take this personally.  It probably has nothing to do with you as a person.  To be honest, she is smart for not continuing this extremely long-distance relationship.  I don't think it's ever a good idea to start up a long distance relationship with someone in another country.  It's a huge waste of time.  Relationships are supposed to be built upon physical intimacy and chemistry.  She should find someone local who she can actually spend time with, and you should do the same.

[DinkyPotato]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Don't take this personally.  It probably has nothing to do with you as a person.  To be honest, she is smart for not continuing this extremely long-distance relationship.  I don't think it's ever a good idea to start up a long distance relationship with someone in another country.  It's a huge waste of time.  Relationships are supposed to be built upon physical intimacy and chemistry.  She should find someone local who she can actually spend time with, and you should do the same.

Thank you for this. She has said several times to not blame myself, that I'm a great person, but that the distance was the sole issue. I have problems with blaming myself for things that go wrong, even if it isn't my fault, haha. She's started seeing somebody new, I'm still on dating apps and looking around my local area, I just want to get to a point of not blaming myself and knowing things will be okay and that there's somebody near me who is compatible.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, DinkyPotato said:

She has said several times to not blame myself, that I'm a great person, but that the distance was the sole issue.

Don't blame yourself. She is not putting any blame on you so you shouldn't either. You are being way too hard on yourself. Not every relationship is meant to work out.  You did your best and that's pretty much all you can do. I know, it's a bummer of a feeling to be dumped by someone that you like. But try to not overthink this. Try to keep busy with things and friends. And one day, when you are ready to date, create a good profile on a reputable dating site.

[DinkyPotato]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Don't blame yourself. She is not putting any blame on you so you shouldn't either. You are being way too hard on yourself. Not every relationship is meant to work out.  You did your best and that's pretty much all you can do. I know, it's a bummer of a feeling to be dumped by someone that you like. But try to not overthink this.

I guess I'm stuck in this sort of loopback mindset wondering if I was good enough, because a year ago she assured me the distance didn't matter to her, so her changing her mind about it came as a surprise to me. She was pretty compatible with me so it hurts to lose somebody who would have worked otherwise, or at least, I think it would have.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you have never met and have no prospect of meeting any time soon, it is best to end it. It's just not a viable situation. 

2 hours ago, DinkyPotato said:

it hurts to lose somebody who would have worked otherwise

That's just it - you have no idea if this would have worked. You two didn't have the in-person time necessary to determine if you are actually compatible or not, whether there is any chemistry, and so on. Carrying on a digital relationship is just not the same as actually dating in real life. Try to remember that when you feel disappointed. You have an idea of her in your mind but no actual way of knowing if you and she would have hit it off in person. In the future, stay away from these sorts of unrealistic arrangements. It's likely to bring nothing but disappointment, because the logistics cannot stand the test of time. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, DinkyPotato said:

We met on this app called Slowly which allows you to make pen pals across the world. We quickly moved from there to using other apps like WhatsApp. 

Well, it's a pen pal app, not a dating app. It's fine to want interesting people to chat with from all over, but this app is not intended to make a dating or romance connection. 

As far as friends and dating, date local women you can get to know in person and see on a regular basis. Make sure that in addition to penpals, you have plenty of real life friends.

[DinkyPotato]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, it's a pen pal app, not a dating app. It's fine to want interesting people to chat with from all over, but this app is not intended to make a dating or romance connection. 

As far as friends and dating, date local women you can get to know in person and see on a regular basis. Make sure that in addition to penpals, you have plenty of real life friends.

Haha, trust me, I didn't/still don't intend whatsoever to use it to date, we were friends for a while and eventually we gained feelings for each other. 

I'm thankful for my IRL friends who have helped me tremendously, but yeah, only staying local from now on haha

 

[DinkyPotato]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you have never met and have no prospect of meeting any time soon, it is best to end it. It's just not a viable situation. 

That's just it - you have no idea if this would have worked. You two didn't have the in-person time necessary to determine if you are actually compatible or not, whether there is any chemistry, and so on. Carrying on a digital relationship is just not the same as actually dating in real life. Try to remember that when you feel disappointed. You have an idea of her in your mind but no actual way of knowing if you and she would have hit it off in person. In the future, stay away from these sorts of unrealistic arrangements. It's likely to bring nothing but disappointment, because the logistics cannot stand the test of time. 

I definitely cannot argue with anything you said, she noted that we may not have had the physical chemistry when we met too, just no way to know until you actually try it. I sort of had a fairy tale view of love until very recently that pops its head; that feelings/love conquered all, including distance, hence why I took it so hard and blamed myself when it failed.

[Els]

4 hours ago, DinkyPotato said:

We planned to meet last year and this year but things got in the way.

___

I guess I'm stuck in this sort of loopback mindset wondering if I was good enough, because a year ago she assured me the distance didn't matter to her, so her changing her mind about it came as a surprise to me. She was pretty compatible with me so it hurts to lose somebody who would have worked otherwise, or at least, I think it would have.

Sorry, I must have missed the part where you said that you two hadn't met before - I was assuming that you had met, albeit not frequently.

I think even people who are willing to do LDRs (including myself) would have many second thoughts about being in a LDR for 1.5 years with a person we've never met throughout that entire duration. The thing is that there's no way to know how things will turn out IRL when you do meet up - you may invest 1.5 years of your life into a person who's amazing to talk to on webcam and the phone, but when you meet IRL it's possible that there's no spark.

As I said, I'm hardly a LDR skeptic, as I wouldn't have the wonderful marriage that I have now if I hadn't gone through the 2 years of LDR. But we had met before the distance started, and we also spent a few weeks together every 6 months. If we hadn't met before, and especially if we still hadn't met by the 1.5 years point... I don't think it would have been sustainable.

People always start relationships with good intentions, thinking that distance doesn't matter. Unfortunately, distance DOES matter, and it affects every aspect of your relationship. Once the reality of this sets in, many people choose to leave. It's not her fault or your fault, it's just how it is, unfortunately.

 

Edited November 19, 2022 by Elswyth

[DinkyPotato]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Sorry, I must have missed the part where you said that you two hadn't met before - I was assuming that you had met, albeit not frequently.

I think even people who are willing to do LDRs (including myself) would have many second thoughts about being in a LDR for 1.5 years with a person we've never met throughout that entire duration. The thing is that there's no way to know how things will turn out IRL when you do meet up - you may invest 1.5 years of your life into a person who's amazing to talk to on webcam and the phone, but when you meet IRL it's possible that there's no spark.

As I said, I'm hardly a LDR skeptic, as I wouldn't have the wonderful marriage that I have now if I hadn't gone through the 2 years of LDR. But we had met before the distance started, and we also spent a few weeks together every 6 months. If we hadn't met before, and especially if we still hadn't met by the 1.5 years point... I don't think it would have been sustainable.

People always start relationships with good intentions, thinking that distance doesn't matter. Unfortunately, distance DOES matter, and it affects every aspect of your relationship. Once the reality of this sets in, many people choose to leave. It's not her fault or your fault, it's just how it is, unfortunately.

 

Yeah, I don't think it helped I came across several people who told me "love conquers all" and distance doesn't matter, but there can always be a thing to make distance too much even when you love each other a lot. Based on her circumstances with school, she probably wouldn't have been able to afford to see me very often (nor would I due to the situation in the UK), and would have been too busy to maintain much contact during the day, especially with the timezone difference. I'm just now trying to be kind to myself, she said we would have dated if I was there, so I guess I have no real reason to be so hard on myself.

[glows]

I also was under the impression in your initial post that you were college classmates or had met during a semester in person at least. 

Would you have paid for the flights to see her or was it assumed she would be the one to travel to you? I’m sorry all this was so disappointing. 

I don’t think LDR is feasible in the long run unless you both have plans to be in the same place eventually. As students your resources are usually limited and plans are up in the air. You have your whole futures ahead of you.

Steer clear of LDRs and focus on finishing your schooling. Do well for yourself and then you can do whatever you want. Just don’t invest your time and money into things that have a high likelihood of not working out if you’re setting your hopes on that. Try to be more realistic here and have fun. You seem to be looking for a relationship so meet people locally.

[mark clemson]

It may not be you - some people (such as myself) just don't do extended LDRs as a "policy".

"Love conquers all" - well, sort of. Ultimately, any relationship boils down to a mutual choice to continue it. So people can have LDRs, "living apart together", a relationship can even survive death IF the remaining partner (for whatever reasons) chooses to "stay loyal". (And even really crappy relationships can continue too. Because the choice to stay in them is made.)

However, the flip side is that many perfectly good, "in love" relationships end for practical reasons, such as jobs, moves, college, a need to care for family members, even extended travel abroad. Once one partner genuinely decides they are done, the relationship is over, or at best a house of cards.

To me this sounds like it was a good relationship (and she said as much) that ended for practical reasons. So I would think it's not that you weren't good enough, it's that she didn't see a future where you were likely to be together in a mutually fulfilling way, because of the move.

I'd say, be happy for what you had, process the loss, and eventually move on.

Edited November 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

x

Edited November 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @Elswyth.

Taking too long to meet is not going to cut it.

My cousin and his wife accidentally matched on a dating app over their common love of skiing. A teacher, she lived on the west coast, while he lived on the east coast. Later, she moved to be closer to him, and they married and had children.

She knows her needs better than you, and she doesn't see it happening. It's not personal. It's just life.

[DinkyPotato]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It may not be you - some people (such as myself) just don't do extended LDRs as a "policy".

"Love conquers all" - well, sort of. Ultimately, any relationship boils down to a mutual choice to continue it. So people can have LDRs, "living apart together", a relationship can even survive death IF the remaining partner (for whatever reasons) chooses to "stay loyal". (And even really crappy relationships can continue too. Because the choice to stay in them is made.)

However, the flip side is that many perfectly good, "in love" relationships end for practical reasons, such as jobs, moves, college, a need to care for family members, even extended travel abroad. Once one partner genuinely decides they are done, the relationship is over, or at best a house of cards.

To me this sounds like it was a good relationship (and she said as much) that ended for practical reasons. So I would think it's not that you weren't good enough, it's that she didn't see a future where you were likely to be together in a mutually fulfilling way, because of the move.

I'd say, be happy for what you had, process the loss, and eventually move on.

Yeah, she told me afterwards she wouldn't do long distance again, even with her new boyfriend,  I guess it was something she realised throughout our time together.  I don't know why I keep feeling like I let her down,  I guess I didn't expect her mind to change and thus when it did, I took it as a failure on my part.