Great in person, bad at texting :/

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I think you have progression with the amount of dates.  It is quite a lot.

I am not a multi dater and do prefer to date one person at a time to make them feel special.

Relationships are about giving not receiving.  I would not spoil it by dating others but that is just me.

I think you are doing just fine and need to just let things unfold naturally without expectations or judgment.

Work on yourself if you are feeling insecure.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

 

[sushiandtacos]

1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I think you have progression with the amount of dates.  It is quite a lot.

I am not a multi dater and do prefer to date one person at a time to make them feel special.

Relationships are about giving not receiving.  I would not spoil it by dating others but that is just me.

I think you are doing just fine and need to just let things unfold naturally without expectations or judgment.

Work on yourself if you are feeling insecure.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

 

I love this  

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Yes, I'd like to feel emotionally connected especially when we're not together, exactly

That's fine, but just remember that texting is merely an interface for communicating at a surface level.

It's not a good idea to let him take over too much of the ship.

Do not let whether or not someone deigns you worthy of a text. Your phone doesn't send a text if you check it all day. That being said, there are some people who aren't really great at texting and simply don't prefer it. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You don't need to give others so much power. Basically, don't get hung up on whether or not he's texting you and focus instead on being the best you possible. Qué será, será.

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Mike B.]

5 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

So are you saying that I should text him more to show him I'm thinking about him? Or you're saying he should text me more and it's good if he shows me he's thinking about me? I also looked back on our messages and I've had my fair share of replying later too so that I don't appear eager and mirroring him lol. 

Yeah, it's all about texting now as the main form of communication lol and tbh that's what I"m used to too. We don't call yet lol. Letters would be amazing but no one does that anymore haha 

What I’m saying is that, In general, it is a good idea to let the person you are dating regularly know that you are thinking about them. I think it is a mistake to appear indifferent to the person you are trying to date. Send a text or calling just to wish the other a great day works like a charm.

If  he has low communication and you mirror him, who is driving this? If you wait a day to reply to him then maybe he thinks he is mirroring you. It’s just something to think about. 

I was kidding about the whole letter writing. My point is just communication is very key in between dates. 

Personally, my general approach is to drive the whole dating and everything in the beginning so situations like this never gets the oxygen to breathe. I want to win you over because I like you. I won’t leave the ball in your court. I’m driving. The ball is always in my court until we are exclusive. As long as things are progressing, I’m fine.

When I want to talk to you, I will simply pick up my cellphone and call your number because I want to speak with you. I don’t worry about looking desperate. You are either going to be down with it or not.

I’m getting the sense that the ball is always in mid-court in your situation. Who is driving this? How are you two making the other one feel “liked?”  How does he know that you like him besides you saying yes to the dates?

How do you feel about jumping off the ledge and telling him that you wouldn’t mind hearing from him more often? 

These are just some questions to think about. That’s all. I’m not expecting you to answer them. 
 

 

[introverted1]

Sushi, what are you doing to create emotional engagement when you are apart?  Do you initiate texts of the sort you'd like this guy to do, or are you just hoping he's a mind-reader who knows what you want?

If you value texting as much as this thread indicates, you should be demonstrating what you want to receive by virtue of what you are giving.

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

lol so the guy who asked me for drinks turned it into a wine and movie night -- I guess I won't be going out with someone this weekend 

sushi, I'm curious, you've created many threads about various men you've dated.  How many of those men turned into serious boyfriends/relationships?

If one or more, nevermind what I'm about to say, but if none which based on your threads I suspect is the case, you may want to consider asking yourself why. 

Is is the men you choose?  Is it you?  Or both?

Anxious/insecure people tend to play games.    They're rarely straightforward in my experience. 

They're busy strategizing and angling for the best outcome (a relationship) but sadly it typically backfires because they're not being real either with who they're dating or themselves. 

I do not believe in "mirroring," imo it's game playing.  And can cause tons of confusion and misunderstandings for both as @Mike B.alluded to.

You're intentionally not being real to garner a favorable response by matching their energy. 

If they're mirroring you as well, intentionally holding back to match your energy, then what do you think is gonna happen?  

Nothing.  Except confusion, misunderstanding and most likely frustration. 

Same with you now dating another man after 1.5 months of consistent dating versus being real with your guy and talking to him.

Not a big heavy pressurized convo, just talking, getting to know, finding out where you're both at. 

Deciding if you're exclusive (or not) and going from there whether it means dating others or breaking up.

In other words, being real.

You seem afraid of having that conversation. That's your anxiety and insecurity and sushi I'll be honest, unless you get a handle on where that anxiety and insecurity stems from, and resolve, you will continue to play these games which could possibly get you dumped.

I'm really sorry if this was too harsh, I'm trying to help. 

Not tooting my horn, and I'm certainly no angel, but I never experienced this. 

I was always real with boyfriends and it may have taken some time to get there (hubs was an exception), but in virtually every dating situation where a connection and feelings were established, they wanted a relationship with me. 

Long term exclusive relationships, a couple of short term (several months). 

Aren't you exhausted?  I sure wouid be. 

Change begins with you. 

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

 

I totally would if we were exclusive or have a commitment to each other. We technically don't new each other more texting  

Asking him is showing your interest in him. It's not limited to commitment/exclusivity. You have gone out on enough dates, that the request is not over stepping boundaries. 

[Alpacalia]

I've not heard of a situation where asking, "can you text me more?" resulted in a positive result. My lack of texting a man more often has been attributed to, well, low interest on my part. If not, I would be in contact more frequently. I'll sometimes just send a short text that says, "hey. I'm thinking about you" when the person is on my mind.

Try not to overthink the texting. Just see how it goes.

Edited November 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/17/2022 at 8:46 AM, sushiandtacos said:

He's sometimes not a bad texter but only texts when we're making plans and comments about those plans. But most times he's either so late at responding or no effort in asking questions or keeping up with the convos.

It's the "convos" that are a problem for many people.  They don't want to have conversations all day long with anyone.  I'm old; people in my age group get a pass on this kind of thing.  My daughter is in her 30's and is completely not interested in texting and will barely do it with anyone; her parents, her partner, friends, nope.  

The idea of carrying on a discourse all day every / any day with ANYONE is very new and truly not suitable for all people.

On 11/17/2022 at 8:46 AM, sushiandtacos said:

 

Getting mixed opinions on seeing others or not is making me more confused if I should keep my options open and go on dates now

It sounded to me like you were going to "punish" him for his lack of texting by dating other men.   If that is the case I think it's a bad idea and will backfire on you, if you actually have a real interest in the bad texting guy.

Evidently you and he are not "official" in any capacity, though, and if you want to date others because you're legitimately interested in someone, there's nothing wrong with doing it.

[NuevoYorko]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

@sushiandtacosI'm curious as to how you would have dealt with this anxiety before we had mobile phones.  

My youth and most of my dating years were pre-cell.  I often miss those days.  Imagine:  we not only had no cell phones, we didn't have answering machines / voice mail either.   The phone was attached to a wall in our house.  If we didn't hear it,  then we never knew anyone called.  If we heard it and decided not to answer, the caller never knew we'd heard it ring.  

The good old days.    

[Wiseman2]

On 11/16/2022 at 10:24 PM, sushiandtacos said:

He's going on another trip this weekend, last we saw each other was Saturday.

Are you concerned that the lack of texting while he's away could mean 'out of sight, out of mind' and he will play around?

Because his general daily texting habits are not unusual, especially in a context were you see each other multiple times a week.

[sushiandtacos]

He ended up texting asking what my weekend is looking like 

 

[sushiandtacos]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

They're busy strategizing and angling for the best outcome (a relationship) but sadly it typically backfires because they're not being real either with who they're dating or themselves. 

I do not believe in "mirroring," imo it's game playing.  And can cause tons of confusion and misunderstandings for both as @Mike B.alluded to.

You're intentionally not being real to garner a favorable response by matching their energy. 

If they're mirroring you as well, intentionally holding back to match your energy, then what do you think is gonna happen?  

Nothing.  Except confusion, misunderstanding and most likely frustration. 

Same with you now dating another man after 1.5 months of consistent dating versus being real with your guy and talking to him.

Yeah, I think I play "games" or "mirror" because I want to put the same or less energy than he's putting into it. I need to stop this for sure, it for sure is a defensive mechanism and some of my walls being up in dating. 

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not a big heavy pressurized convo, just talking, getting to know, finding out where you're both at. 

Deciding if you're exclusive (or not) and going from there whether it means dating others or breaking up.

In other words, being real.

 

Sigh - I think it is time for that conversation (which I'm deathly scared of) 

Do you think around 6 weeks is too early for this convo?

And how should I bring it up in a way where I'm being real but also not needy?

Edited November 18, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[basil67]

It's certainly not too early to have the conversation.  

If he's keen on you, he'll be delighted.   If he's a bit 'meh' or dating other people and can't make up his mind, it will also give you the information you need to decide on moving on.   Either way, talking about it will be a win for you.  

Edit to add: You can indirectly raise the subject by telling him that you really enjoying spending time with him....and if it doesn't become clear, ask him how he's feeling.

Edited November 18, 2022 by basil67

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

He ended up texting asking what my weekend is looking like 

 

What are you going to tell him?   

 

[sushiandtacos]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What are you going to tell him?   

 

Not sure yet 

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Not sure yet 

Why the delay in answering?  Sounds like game playing to me.  Clearly he's wanting to know when you're available, so how hard is it to look at your calendar and give him an answer?   Offer up your prime date time like Saturday night.  Or Sunday day

If you want a guy to text you more, you've got to be responsive.   Deliberately delaying responses will make him think you're not interested....or that you don't care to text.

Edited November 18, 2022 by basil67

[sushiandtacos]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Why the delay in answering?  Sounds like game playing to me.  Clearly he's wanting to know when you're available, so how hard is it to look at your calendar and give him an answer?   Offer up your prime date time like Saturday night.  Or Sunday day

If you want a guy to text you more, you've got to be responsive.   Deliberately delaying responses will make him think you're not interested....or that you don't care to text.

Haha I'm not deliberately relaying my response. He's away on his trip this whole weekend and I'm not sure what I"m doing and in the midst of some plans with friends. 

[poppyfields]

On 11/17/2022 at 2:20 PM, sushiandtacos said:

lol so the guy who asked me for drinks turned it into a wine and movie night -- I guess I won't be going out with someone this weekend 

What happened with this?  Did you cancel it?

No matter sushi, sounds like games but I am going to stay out of it.

I wish you luck and hope it works out the way you hope! 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Haha I'm not deliberately relaying my response. He's away on his trip this whole weekend and I'm not sure what I"m doing and in the midst of some plans with friends. 

You wanted him to ask you questions.  He's asked you a question but you don't respond.  This is not how to get your needs met. 

Heck, there's no reason why you can't simply respond with the bolded then ask him a question - it may actually end up in the kind of text conversation you seek.

Edited November 19, 2022 by basil67

[sushiandtacos]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What happened with this?  Did you cancel it?

No matter sushi, sounds like games but I am going to stay out of it.

I wish you luck and hope it works out the way you hope! 

 

 

I'm really not trying to play games here, honestly just trying to navigate this in a way where I don't get too invested in something uncertain but while also being real with myself and my feelings. 

This kinda sounds passive aggressive  

If I knew my way about dating and with this guy, I wouldn't post this thread, I appreciate everyone's input here but labeling my actions as games when really it's because I don't know how to go about this is really what this is 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Yeah, I think I play "games" or "mirror" because I want to put the same or less energy than he's putting into it.

sushi, I was only repeating what you yourself admitted^ but in any event, as I said I do wish you luck and hope it works out for you, I mean that sincerely.

 

Edited November 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

I'm really not trying to play games here, honestly just trying to navigate this in a way where I don't get too invested in something uncertain but while also being real with myself and my feelings. 

Actually, the thing you've got going with this guy sounds like it's going really well so far - the only issue you've had is that he's not text-tethered to you.  The only reason it's uncertain is because neither of you has discussed where it's going.    

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

He ended up texting asking what my weekend is looking like 

 

It sounds like he's just engaging in small talk.

This weekend he's away again, correct? 

He has been away each weekend since you met him.

I don't think it's unreasonable to assume he is dating other people and he sees them on the weekend.

You're just dating. He can date whoever he wants whenever he wants. 

If you don't know what you're doing this weekend, maybe you'll be washing your pet goat.

Nothing formal about it. It is just polite conversation on his end.

Edited November 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

@sushiandtacos, sounds to me like what you have is going okay, but there might be an incompatibility between you two where communication is concerned. I don't think you have to do anything drastic about it. Just continue dating and giving things time to develop organically. Observe over time to see if you are compatible in the ways that matter to you. If you're not, you know what to do.