Great in person, bad at texting :/

[sushiandtacos]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Oh dear, you've received a mixed bag of opinions here, haven't you? 

You already know what mine is - place the focus on your in-person dates and the mutual connection you've developed and continuing to develop - in-person.. 

10 dates in six weeks is a pretty significant amount imo and those dates have been "quality" dates where you're communicating, opening up with each, sharing and getting to know.

TBH I cannot relate to this need to text in between all that, you risk burn out and not allowing the space necessary to think about, wonder about, and miss each other!

Which I personally love but I'm not anxious attachment, NOT when I'm with the right man and we fit. 

But you're not me and if that's what YOU need to be truly happy in this budding new relationship, then that's OK.

Perhaps what this boils down to is you're simply not compatible sushi.  Specifically with regard to your communication styles which is super important. 

Dating shouid be fun!  It should be joyous, not bring all this anxiety and uncertainty you're experiencing.  That's a sign something is off.

To me, he sounds VERY into you, but he has a busy life outside of you as well he should and so should you.

You've admitted the reason you want him to text more is for reassurance, well imo that's a rather crappy reason for needing more texting.

I would take the time to explore why it is you need more reassurance, why you're in-person dates aren't enough for you.  And why you feel so insecure. 

Your anxiety and insecurity is a "you" problem, not a "him" problem.  JMO on that. 

If you ask him to text more, he might but would only be doing so out of obligation, which is never good. 

He is who he is sushi, he's not going to change so you either lower expectations and adjust to his style or end the relationship.

Find a guy who can provide the reassurance you need in between dates. 

Bottom line, be happy!  Enjoy!  If you're not, seek something else. 

Good luck and keep us posted!

Yes, mixed opinions - just like how I feel right now too🙈

Your words are def something to think about and how I feel if my needs are getting met our not. 

Outside of texting, my needs are getting met. It's just the communication when we're not seeing each other is lacking, but I need to figure out if this is a necessary need for me or not. 

I can't talk to him about this yet since we don't technically owe each other a consistent communication or that security that was talked about above. 

[sushiandtacos]

41 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

I think it's important to clarify something. Is he not communicating at all in between dates? Does he only contact you to set up dates and then disappear in between?

 In other words, if we leave the word "texting" out of the conversation and replace it with "calling" or "communicating" does your complaint still hold up, Sushiandtacos? 

He does with barely 1-2 texts a day unless we're making plans 😕 He's away tho right now so will probably not hear from him lol

We don't call each other

[Mike B.]

16 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Maybe this is true, not sure why I crave some sort of communication when we're not seeing each other, especially when we haven't planned the next time we'll get together. 

Yes exactly, I feel like a progression in communication also drives the relationship forward. We're not getting that. He doesn't ask me how my day was, I think he's only asked maybe a handful of times but mostly talks about his day when I ask him. Funny thing is tho when I try to tie down the convo because of his lack of questions, he still sends me texts about himself🤦‍♀️

 

Not the best of signs but I just wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet.

I think it is important to avoid placing too much emphasis on someone during the early stages of dating. It is never a bad idea to keep your options open during the non-exclusive stages of seeing someone and eventually settle down with a person who ticks enough boxes for your wants. Of course, no one will ever tick all boxes.

When you give someone who just met too much of your focus in the beginning, it can often produce the opposite effect that you would like. Again, pacing is key including pacing in communication. If his communication level is the same as it was 2 months ago or when you first met him then things are probably not really moving.

[introverted1]

30 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

He does with barely 1-2 texts a day unless we're making plans

Barely? How much more texting do you want?

 

[Alpacalia]

Isn't so much the frequency that's the issue.

He doesn't evoke a sense of emotional connection in you.

[sushiandtacos]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

So... you've both seen each other 9-10 times over 6 weeks, he barely texts, and he doesn't call. Is that correct?

If that is indeed accurate... well, I dunno. It's true that some people just aren't texters. But if someone's not a texter, not a caller, AND only sees you about 1.5 times a week... to me, that says something about where you are on their priority list. And if you want a LTR with this person, then IMO it doesn't bode well. Of course, this is just my impression from what I've read, and I could be wrong.

 

Yeah, this could very well be it lol disappointing just have to accept how he's acting. 

[sushiandtacos]

57 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

Not the best of signs but I just wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet.

I think it is important to avoid placing too much emphasis on someone during the early stages of dating. It is never a bad idea to keep your options open during the non-exclusive stages of seeing someone and eventually settle down with a person who ticks enough boxes for your wants. Of course, no one will ever tick all boxes.

When you give someone who just met too much of your focus in the beginning, it can often produce the opposite effect that you would like. Again, pacing is key including pacing in communication. If his communication level is the same as it was 2 months ago or when you first met him then things are probably not really moving.

That was very helpful, thank you

[sushiandtacos]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Isn't so much the frequency that's the issue.

He doesn't evoke a sense of emotional connection in you.

Yes, I'd like to feel emotionally connected especially when we're not together, exactly

[sushiandtacos]

36 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Barely? How much more texting do you want?

 

It's not so much the frequency - it's to know he's thinking about me or even inquire about my day from time to time, to show that he cares

Edited November 17, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[introverted1]

21 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

It's not so much the frequency - it's to know he's thinking about me or even inquire about my day from time to time, to show that he cares

So what is he saying in the 1-2 times a day he does text?

[poppyfields]

54 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Yes, I'd like to feel emotionally connected especially when we're not together, exactly

So if I understand correctly, you feel emotionally connected during your in-person dates, but in between because he doesn't text and provide the reassurance you need, you emotionally disconnect?

I dunno sushi, call me crazy but it sounds to me like you feel quite emotionally attached and connected otherwise this thread wouldn't even exist, would it?

What I am sensing is that you feel anxious and insecure and need reassurance in between to alleviate that anxiety and insecurity.  Which I mentioned before is a "you" issue, more than a "him" issue imho.

What I have learned through my dating experiences is that texting in between dates means jack sh*t.  I am generalizing but people text out of boredom, out of obligation because it's what they think they "should" do, it's often contrived, forced and it's one of the quickest ways for a couple to become burned out.

What I have also learned is that men (and some women) need a certain amount of space in between dates to process their emotions; they (men) don't move towards relationships the way women do. 

It's been said that men fall in love through distance, while women fall in love through togetherness.   That has been true in virtually every serious relationship I have had, including my husband.

Sadly, it's one of the great polarities between men and women and causes the most problems.  Most women don't understand this, feel anxious/insecure and thus proceed to push the relationship forward and end up losing the guy because of it.

For me and my relationships, and now marriage, it was during the times I left them alone (and not freaking out while doing so) when they realized how much they missed me, loved me and eventually committed to me.  It didn't happen quickly, it took time, but I had faith and trust in our connection and also patience to allow it to proceed slowly and gradually the way it was meant to.

All that said, you cannot be someone you're not and neither can he.  You are two individual independent people in the process of moving closer to each other.

I do believe in keeping options open until such time a connection has been established and feelings are developed.   Which you have if I am reading this correctly.

The only reason you want to begin keeping options open and dating other men now after six weeks of consistent dating is to distract you from the man you truly want, which I don't believe is a wise decision but I do wish you luck if that is what you choose to do.

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

He does with barely 1-2 texts a day unless we're making plans 😕 He's away tho right now so will probably not hear from him .

This sounds fine. The important factor is at 6 weeks, he sees you often and you have a nice time together. It's not as if he only texts "wanna come over" now and then when he wants sex so it's unclear why you feel he is remiss in texting.

It's true that a lot of people sabotage their relationships with too much texting, extended text conversations and depending too much on letting text behavior lead the relationship.

Edited November 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[sushiandtacos]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So if I understand correctly, you feel emotionally connected during your in-person dates, but in between because he doesn't text and provide the reassurance you need, you emotionally disconnect?

I dunno sushi, call me crazy but it sounds to me like you feel quite emotionally attached and connected otherwise this thread wouldn't even exist, would it?

What I am sensing is that you feel anxious and insecure and need reassurance in between to alleviate that anxiety and insecurity.  Which I mentioned before is a "you" issue, more than a "him" issue imho.

What I have learned through my dating experiences is that texting in between dates means jack sh*t.  I am generalizing but people text out of boredom, out of obligation because it's what they think they "should" do, it's often contrived, forced and it's one of the quickest ways for a couple to become burned out.

What I have also learned is that men (and some women) need a certain amount of space in between dates to process their emotions; they (men) don't move towards relationships the way women do. 

It's been said that men fall in love through distance, while women fall in love through togetherness.   That has been true in virtually every serious relationship I have had, including my husband.

Sadly, it's one of the great polarities between men and women and causes the most problems.  Most women don't understand this, feel anxious/insecure and thus proceed to push the relationship forward and end up losing the guy because of it.

For me and my relationships, and now marriage, it was during the times I left them alone (and not freaking out while doing so) when they realized how much they missed me, loved me and eventually committed to me.  It didn't happen quickly, it took time, but I had faith and trust in our connection and also patience to allow it to proceed slowly and gradually the way it was meant to.

All that said, you cannot be someone you're not and neither can he.  You are two individual independent people in the process of moving closer to each other.

I do believe in keeping options open until such time a connection has been established and feelings are developed.   Which you have if I am reading this correctly.

The only reason you want to begin keeping options open and dating other men now after six weeks of consistent dating is to distract you from the man you truly want, which I don't believe is a wise decision but I do wish you luck if that is what you choose to do.

Yes, you are right Poppy😄 I want reassurance and to know he's thinking/cares about me when we're not with each other, and a way to convey that in my head is texting. 

So it's not weird that he doesn't text for 1-2 days or when he's away on trips when we're over a month in? Or that when he does text, it's not really about asking how I am? Seems like I'm bothering him when I do text him then lol. How long would they not reach out for with your past relationships and your current husband when you left them alone? 

Yes, I'm not sure if it's more so wanting to be distracted or if it's because staying open to others would be a healthier mindset and not obsessing over this guy, thinking it's the latter for me. Trying to be in that healthy abundance mindset then be so set on someone when tbh he's still someone new albeit over a month. 

[sushiandtacos]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

So what is he saying in the 1-2 times a day he does text?

What he's doing or planning on doing lol

[sushiandtacos]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This sounds fine. The important factor is at 6 weeks, he sees you often and you have a nice time together. It's not as if he only texts "wanna come over" now and then when he wants sex so it's unclear why you feel he is remiss in texting.

It's true that a lot of people sabotage their relationships with too much texting, extended text conversations and depending too much on letting text behavior lead the relationship.

When we're together, it's great I have so much fun and getting to know him. It's more so when we're not together I feel unsure because we're not in contact too much and talking about how our days go. He's currently on a trip and is going home for the holiday so not sure when I'm going to see him next which is I think why I'm feeling a bit more anxious than usual about this and since we didn't set anything concrete about getting together yet. 

[sushiandtacos]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This sounds fine. The important factor is at 6 weeks, he sees you often and you have a nice time together. It's not as if he only texts "wanna come over" now and then when he wants sex so it's unclear why you feel he is remiss in texting.

It's true that a lot of people sabotage their relationships with too much texting, extended text conversations and depending too much on letting text behavior lead the relationship.

I feel remiss because in my head, shouldn't someone be naturally curious how the other person is or would want to hear from them if we like them or have feelings? Especially if we don't have plans set in stone to get together soon again. 

[sushiandtacos]

The more I'm thinking about it and reading your guys' posts, I've come to the conclusion that I need to be patient to see this through. I think we're so used to instant gratification these days including dating and relationships that we're almost in a rush to get to the "finish line". I think I need to chill, be patient about this guy while staying open to others until I know for sure that this is headed towards something serious. Also staying open to others and not fixating on someone that is still uncertain would help my sanity lol.

 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

I feel remiss because in my head, shouldn't someone be naturally curious how the other person is or would want to hear from them if we like them or have feelings? Especially if we don't have plans set in stone to get together soon again. 

@sushiandtacosI'm curious as to how you would have dealt with this anxiety before we had mobile phones.  

[Mike B.]

28 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

The more I'm thinking about it and reading your guys' posts, I've come to the conclusion that I need to be patient to see this through. I think we're so used to instant gratification these days including dating and relationships that we're almost in a rush to get to the "finish line". I think I need to chill, be patient about this guy while staying open to others until I know for sure that this is headed towards something serious. Also staying open to others and not fixating on someone that is still uncertain would help my sanity lol.

 

 

I think this is a good approach. Again, you don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. If he is otherwise showing you a great time when you are together, I wouldn’t get rid of him entirely just because his communication isn’t up to snuff yet.
 

I think it is good for a person you are interested in to know you are thinking about them regularly otherwise, some level of concern or anxiety in the person who may feel neglected will develop. 1-2 text a day isn’t bad at all in the first month. 

Of course, it doesn’t have to be texts. If he is simply calling you in between dates that is cool… it just need to be some form of communication. 

About 12 years ago, I wouldn’t have even given much consideration to text messages at all but times have changed and so has how we communicate in the world. Texting has become such a big fabric into our social lives such as online dating but I wouldn’t live and die solely by that form of communication. If he is calling in between dates, that is fine too. No one writes letters anymore but I guess if he sent a letter that would be impressive. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

He's currently on a trip and is going home for the holiday so not sure when I'm going to see him next which is I think why I'm feeling a bit more anxious than usual about this and since we didn't set anything concrete about getting together yet. 

That's because it's all new. Have faith in yourself and the budding relationship. So it's not about texting, it's about his vacation and that he didn't make plans yet.

[smackie9]

Why not just ask him to text you more? Wouldn't hurt. 

[sushiandtacos]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

@sushiandtacosI'm curious as to how you would have dealt with this anxiety before we had mobile phones.  

lol I can only imagine 

Although dating would've probably been so different without phones and dating apps

Texting is what I grew up with

[sushiandtacos]

lol so the guy who asked me for drinks turned it into a wine and movie night -- I guess I won't be going out with someone this weekend 🤣

[sushiandtacos]

2 hours ago, Mike B. said:

I think this is a good approach. Again, you don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. If he is otherwise showing you a great time when you are together, I wouldn’t get rid of him entirely just because his communication isn’t up to snuff yet.
 

I think it is good for a person you are interested in to know you are thinking about them regularly otherwise, some level of concern or anxiety in the person who may feel neglected will develop. 1-2 text a day isn’t bad at all in the first month. 

Of course, it doesn’t have to be texts. If he is simply calling you in between dates that is cool… it just need to be some form of communication. 

About 12 years ago, I wouldn’t have even given much consideration to text messages at all but times have changed and so has how we communicate in the world. Texting has become such a big fabric into our social lives such as online dating but I wouldn’t live and die solely by that form of communication. If he is calling in between dates, that is fine too. No one writes letters anymore but I guess if he sent a letter that would be impressive. 
 

 

So are you saying that I should text him more to show him I'm thinking about him? Or you're saying he should text me more and it's good if he shows me he's thinking about me? I also looked back on our messages and I've had my fair share of replying later too so that I don't appear eager and mirroring him lol. 

Yeah, it's all about texting now as the main form of communication lol and tbh that's what I"m used to too. We don't call yet lol. Letters would be amazing but no one does that anymore haha 

[sushiandtacos]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because it's all new. Have faith in yourself and the budding relationship. So it's not about texting, it's about his vacation and that he didn't make plans yet.

I guess a combination of all three of those yes

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Why not just ask him to text you more? Wouldn't hurt. 

I totally would if we were exclusive or have a commitment to each other. We technically don't new each other more texting 😕