My Boyfriend's Pessimism is Ruining our Relationship [merged thread]

[samantha99]

I am turning to this forum because I'm out of options. My (23F) relationship with my boyfriend (24M) is really struggling right now and I have no idea how to save it. For some background, we have been dating for 3.5 years.

We met in college, he was a year ahead of me so we had a year of long-distance from 2021-2022 while I finished up undergrad and he went away to graduate school. I graduated in May and we moved in together in August in the city where he goes to school.

Our relationship has always been healthy, happy, and full of love. However in the last year he has become extremely pessimistic about life. I knew it was bad while we were long distance, but now that we live together I see how bad it really is and it is really impacting our relationship. I think this pessimism is partly due to his graduate program. It is extremely, extremely difficult at a very prestigious school and he almost flunked out last year, so this took a huge toll on his confidence/overall attitude.

He graduates in the spring but is still really struggling. On top of that, he is really struggling with the general transition from undergrad to "adult life". I am too since I just graduated, but not nearly as badly as him.

We are both really struggling to make friends in this new city/as adults. We're both so used to living with our closest friends and having the freedom/flexibility in our schedules to party, hangout, go on adventures and have fun. Now every day is the same. We wake up, I log into my remote job for the day, he goes to campus for class/studying, we get home, make dinner, watch netflix and go to bed. This is every day.

While it is certainly a bit mundane for me, I'm usually just happy to be hanging out with him after a long day regardless of what we're doing. But he is really, really struggling with this lifestyle. He hates that every day is the same and that "this is just life now until we retire." He's extremely pessimistic and it's putting a lot of pressure on me to make things "fun". Now I'm scared to even suggest watching Netflix because I'm worried the whole time that he's bored and would rather be doing anything else.

We do go on weekend trips and do fun activities on the weekends. But even when we go out together to bars/clubs his mindset is "what's the difference between drinking together here and drinking together at home." I feel like I try so hard to plan things and make things fun but it's never enough. He does plan things too, but it still feels almost forced. And it doesn't help that we don't really have friends yet so we really do kind of only have each other. 

This depression/pessimism is also impacting our sex life/intimacy. We used to be intimate almost every single night. Now I'm lucky if it's once every 2 weeks and even then that's only because I initiate. I can't even remember the last time I felt desired by him. We've talked about this and he says it's because his mental state is making him feel very insecure and not "in the mood." But I was using his ipad recently and I stumbled across porn he's been saving/watching, so clearly he is "in the mood" a lot of the time but doesn't want to have sex with me. I confronted him about this and he said it really has nothing to do with his feelings or attraction toward me, and it has everything to do with him feeling insecure and lacking confidence. He told me he will give up the porn because I'm way more important to him than that. But it still really hurts that we've been having so many issues in our relationship recently, and intimacy might be one of the things that could help but he's choosing a screen over me. 

This whole thing has just put a huge strain on our relationship. We have had a couple of serious conversations about all of this and I've told him that it's unfair for him to make me feel like I have to constantly plan things/spice things up or he's going to be bored and miserable. He reassured me that he is not bored with our relationship itself, his feelings for me have not changed, he's just miserable living the same day every day and those are feelings he would have even if I wasn't here.

He is in therapy, but sometimes he's so embarrassed talking about his feelings and being vulnerable that I'm concerned he isn't being totally open with his therapist so that they can really help him. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not enough for him, like every day has to be new and exciting.

I'm tired of questioning why he won't have sex with me anymore. I miss our relationship. I miss feeling close to him physically and mentally. I miss having fun together and not being anxious that he's bored of me. I do think making friends would help, and I have hung out with a few people on my own so I'm making that effort. But he has no idea how/where to meet people because all of the students in his program are only interested in school work and studying 24/7. I just don't know how to help him anymore and I'm scared that adult life/routine will never be satisfying enough for him. If anyone has any advice I am all ears. Additionally if anyone has any suggestions on navigating the transition to "adult life" and things we can do to spice up our week nights please let me know, because this is something I am struggling with as well.

Edited November 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[samantha99]

Hi all,

My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) are struggling with the transition to "adulthood" after college. We have been together for 3.5 years and moved in together in August. We are in a new city so we don't really have friends yet (another thing I would love advice on)! This means we spend all of our social time with eachother. We try to plan fun things on the weekends, but the weekday routine is driving us crazy. I work from 9-5 and he is in graduate school, so we wake up at 8am, work all day, log off, make dinner, and then watch netflix until bed. This is every single day and we are both starting to feel really bored, not with each other but with this lifestyle. My boyfriend is especially struggling because he is a high-energy, super social guy who loves doing stuff. 

Does anyone have recommendations for things we can do on week nights to switch things up? I think breaking our "Netflix for 2 hours and then bed" routine may help us a bit, I'm just not sure what else we can do. Any recommendations are much appreciated! Also would love any advice in general on transitioning to "adult life" and coping with how mundane/repetitive it can feel.

[FMW]

Go out (on weekends) and do activities that you enjoy that also provide opportunity to meet other people.  Get involved in organizations and groups that interest you.  This allows you both to meet people, alone and together, with whom you might make enjoyable social connections. 

College naturally surrounds you with plenty of other people with whom you already have some built in interest.  Once you're out in the working world you have to put in a little effort to get to know people, but it's not difficult if you enjoy meeting and talking to people.  It depends on your interests what you do that involves other people - sports teams, church groups, hobby organizations, etc. Pay attention at work to opportunities to socialize with other people.  If you meet someone you like, invite them to dinner.  Often through these fledgling friendships you'll meet others - their friends or family - and have the opportunity to find more people you really connect with. 

As you meet more people you'll both have opportunities to do your own thing at times, he can hang out with the guys while you have a girls night out (sorry for the assumption that you're a female!).  That helps you to appreciate your time together as a couple more, whether alone or with others.  

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you're adjusting to living together, as well as somewhat homesick. Your routine sounds like the drudgery is getting to you two. Just getting too complacent with the household humdrum.

Look into the local area. Take some classes and courses. Something "fun". Join some groups and clubs. Dancing, yoga, cooking , climbing, whatever,  something active. You'll have fun and make local friends. Do some together, some apart.

Flopping in front of the TV every night doesn't seem stimulating or healthful. He has a point about that sounding like being in a nursing home at 24.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[samantha99]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like you're adjusting to living together, as well as somewhat homesick. Your routine sounds like the drudgery is getting to you two. Just getting too complacent with the household humdrum.

Look into the local area. Take some classes and courses. Something "fun". Join some groups and clubs. Dancing, yoga, cooking , climbing, whatever,  something active. You'll have fun and make local friends. Do some together, some apart.

Flopping in front of the TV every night doesn't seem stimulating or healthful. He has a point about that sounding like being in a nursing home at 24.

Thank you, yes it is certainly feeling like we're getting too complacent with this daily routine. I am definitely going to look into some groups/clubs to do things both together and apart. I know this boredom/pessimism has nothing to do with our feelings for each other/our actual relationship and everything to do with adjusting to this huge transition while being in a new place.

[samantha99]

14 minutes ago, FMW said:

Go out (on weekends) and do activities that you enjoy that also provide opportunity to meet other people.  Get involved in organizations and groups that interest you.  This allows you both to meet people, alone and together, with whom you might make enjoyable social connections. 

College naturally surrounds you with plenty of other people with whom you already have some built in interest.  Once you're out in the working world you have to put in a little effort to get to know people, but it's not difficult if you enjoy meeting and talking to people.  It depends on your interests what you do that involves other people - sports teams, church groups, hobby organizations, etc. Pay attention at work to opportunities to socialize with other people.  If you meet someone you like, invite them to dinner.  Often through these fledgling friendships you'll meet others - their friends or family - and have the opportunity to find more people you really connect with. 

As you meet more people you'll both have opportunities to do your own thing at times, he can hang out with the guys while you have a girls night out (sorry for the assumption that you're a female!).  That helps you to appreciate your time together as a couple more, whether alone or with others.  

Thank you for this! We try to go out a lot every weekend but I think we're both really shy when it comes to approaching new people, so that's something we really need to work on. It's definitely a challenging transition and we are getting too complacent with this routine we've unintentionally established.

[stillafool]

Do either or both of you work or live around people your age?  If so, invite them over.  Go to your local pub and meet people.  Are you  both new to this city?  Also some churches have youth group get togethers, etc.

[Els]

There are lots of things that you can do on weekday nights... there's no reason you need to stay home every weeknight, especially when you are young and childfree. Maybe designate one evening a week for trying out a new (affordable) hole-in-the-wall restaurant? I don't know where you live, but some shopping malls have "late nights" one or two days a week when you can hang out til 8 or 9 - you don't necessarily have to shop, there will often be other entertainment (arcades, movies, etc). If you're up for geeky stuff, many places have "Friday Night Magic" or "Friday Night Boardgames" or such that you can participate in together... although I'm not sure if that will satisfy a "super social" guy.

Alternatively, what hobbies do you have in common? Could see if there are hobbyist groups in your areas, or could even go separately if you prefer different things. Try out a multiplayer video game. Buy a Lego set and make stuff together. Jigsaw puzzles? Art? Or you could set one night a week where you cook something new and different together, or bake together, etc, if that's your jam. Speaking of which, if you guys happen to play different musical instruments...

I mean, there are lots of things, really! The only limiting factors are your time and energy (though I do empathize, it can be hard to muster the energy to do something fun if you've had a tiring day).

Edited November 15, 2022 by Elswyth

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, samantha99 said:

My boyfriend is especially struggling because he is a high-energy, super social guy who loves doing stuff. 

He certainly doesn't sound like a shy guy who has problems meeting people.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, samantha99 said:

Thank you, yes it is certainly feeling like we're getting too complacent with this daily routine. I am definitely going to look into some groups/clubs to do things both together and apart. I know this boredom/pessimism has nothing to do with our feelings for each other/our actual relationship and everything to do with adjusting to this huge transition while being in a new place.

Welcome to adult life.

 

things change when you have full time careers and need to live on your own ( in your case with someone).  You are away from home so homesickness has also kicked in.  Thr things you used to do ant happen as frequently.

[stillafool]

Well I hate to tell you guys this but if you plan to be together as a married couple life is pretty routine for most couples during the week.  Still it's comforting and fun just hanging out with the one you love no matter what you're doing.  Are you sure he isn't just bored with you?  At 24 only wanting sex once every 2 weeks with his girl in his bed every night with him is odd.

Edited November 15, 2022 by stillafool

[Coasting1991]

While I agree with what others have said above, I also wouldn't discount grad school having an effect on him. Speaking from someone going through it, grad school can be absolutely soul crushing sometimes. It's very different from undergrad and sometimes the pressure to perform can be immense. He might want to look into seeing a therapist to discuss his issues and pessimism. 

[Alpacalia]

Reduce your involvement in his life.

Put yourself first and get busy.

Check in with yourself in a month and see where you are.

[Coasting1991]

I would recommend not only looking for activities to do together, but maybe activities you can do that's separate? It can sometimes be nice to be separate for a bit a couple times a week, especially if you see each other every day and night. Maybe you can both get involved in playing local rec sports? Nothing like a sports to make friends, be healthy and get the endorphins going. 

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said:

Maybe you can both get involved in playing local rec sports? Nothing like a sports to make friends, be healthy and get the endorphins going. 

Agree.

Getting active is a great way to get the endorphins moving.

It's hard when you have work, school and other commitments. Just make yourself do it. It feels good.

Why do you have to watch TV together every night anyway?

[basil67]

I agree with taking up interests which not only upskill you, but could also lead to meeting new people.  What about learning guitar?  (portable, doesn't take up much space).  If you go to a teacher who puts together performances with the other learners, you will meet others and have to interact.  Perhaps you'll find similar music tastes and end up with friends to go see live music with.

Have you made any friends at College?  Either from your class or from social groups?  

As a different option, I sew.  This is a very solo hobby and not a lot of us do it.  So I recently put out a message on our local community's FB page to connect with other sewists in the area.  I'm meeting two sewing ladies for coffee next week.  Perhaps you can connect with others this way for your own interests?   I also go to a craft group on a Tuesday night.  We sit and do our hand work while chatting, drinking wine, tea and eating cheese and cake.  I found them because I paid forward a sewing item and got talking to the woman who picked it up.

Lastly, for at home stuff - we really get into jigsaws on occasion.  Or build one of those 3000 piece adult lego sets together.   And slightly drunken, non competitive Pictionary has a lot to offer  (you could probably pick one up at a thrift store)

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, samantha99 said:

He's extremely pessimistic and it's putting a lot of pressure on me to make things "fun". Now I'm scared to even suggest watching Netflix because I'm worried the whole time that he's bored and would rather be doing anything else.

Do you recognise that you're trying to solve his problem for him?   If he's bored with life or lonely, it's on him to address it.  

Be aware that his pessimism could well break you if it continues.  It can be soul crushing living with someone who always sees the worst.   It's great that he's doing therapy, but I wonder where the line is between pessimism and depression.  Has he been assessed for depression?  Does he take medication?

Lastly,  please consider breaking up.  You've got your whole life ahead of you, and I'd hate to see you settle into a depressive sexless relationship.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Welcome to adult life.

That was also going to be my response.

We work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, and go to bed almost every night right now - it’s winter, and I miss the outside! My brother would say that he takes the kids to their activities and does the same - last week when we spoke his exact quote was “my life sucks right now.” The highlight of his day was kids activities but I have other friends who say that it feels like their lives revolve around the children and they have no fun/have lost themselves in the process. Such is life, there is always something.

There are just times in life when it feels this way but this is your life - which is why, we all need to try to find the joy in everyday. Find a new hobby, go on a date to a new pub, start a new exercise program, make some new friends - all good things to do when one is stuck in a rut. 
 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Do you recognise that you're trying to solve his problem for him?   If he's bored with life or lonely, it's on him to address it. 

And this was my other thought. If he is bored and unhappy with his life then it is his responsibility to fix that. Glad to hear that he is in counselling, hopefully the counsellor will help him to understand that. If not, he may want to speak with a physician about medication. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

And another vote for "this is life". Sure, there are some who have very busy lives and go out with friends frequently, but if this is what he wants, then it's up to him to cultivate that kind of life.

[MElkington]

This can lead to a passive mind. You could go to (pardon the frivolous term) meetup groups where they have activities for people that share a common interest.

[NuevoYorko]

Around here, a busy college town, there are things going on every night.  There are at least 2 brew pubs hosting "trivia night,"  other game nights as well (including bingo) there are open mics for comedy and music. There's an amateur drag show at one place.   Every night of the week there are things to do and it might cost the price of a beer.  

Those are just social goings on, not even including different groups focussed on particular interests.  

[ShyViolet]

You are calling it "pessimism" but it sounds more like depression.

And that is not something you can solve for him.  It's good that he is already in therapy.  But he really needs to make changes in his life if he is so unhappy.  I'm not necessarily talking about breaking up.  Some of these problems that you describe, there are solutions for.  If he's so unhappy with the same mundane routine every day, then he should take initiative to do something different.  Surely there are days off from school.  There is time for leisure and hobbies.  

[Mike B.]

First, your boyfriend is struggling with graduate school and almost flunked out last year. Now, he has a girlfriend that has moved to the city where he attends school where he almost flunked out last year. That can cause a whole lot of anxiety inducing pressure. How would he look if he fails in your eyes? You moved all the way there to be with him and all of that is on his shoulders. If he fails, you may see him as a failure, and he may think you will be upset because you moved your life there to be with him.  He probably feels too ashamed to even discuss this with you. Maybe he feels he would look weak in your eyes. He probably feels very scared and does not know how to communicate this. Ask him if he may feel pressure about the current situation. If he gives indication that he is, offer a lot of reassurance.

I would be very careful to not put too much pressure on him during a situation where he already feels too much pressure. He still must be accountable for making you happy but I think you both must accept that this will just be a rough 1 -2 years before you two will get to be your best. 

Don't let the sex slip.... Don't get too comfortable not having sex with him. Sex isn't everything but it's important.  Along with everything else going on with school if you let the sex slip, you run a risk of growing apart just due to the situation. Just try to keep the intimacy and romance going. It doesn't always have to be the physical act. Try not to constantly complain about it but keep the communication up.

I won't go too much into this here but him looking up porn isn't always an indication that he is in "the mood." Sometimes a person can be in the mood to pleasure themself for whatever reason but not be in the mood to be physically intimate with another person. It doesn't necessarily mean he is not attracted to you either. 

I wouldn't question him about "why he doesn't want to have sex" with you so much as just focusing on intimacy. I think if you both can just provide reassurance to each other it can go a long way.

Try to really establish a social life outside of him in the city you are in. I think this would be great for you both and not put so much pressure on each other. Maybe get some mutuals friends from your previous hometown to come visit for the weekend to cheer you both up.

In the end, no one will ever measure up to you being there for him now. You went to undergrad together and you even moved there to be with him to support him through probably the most difficult time of his life. He will value you for this. It's just going to be a rough year but once you get through it, you will definitely have a stronger bond.

 

Best of luck to you both. I really want you two to make it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, samantha99 said:

he is a high-energy, super social guy who loves doing stuff.

But yet...

9 hours ago, samantha99 said:

we're both really shy when it comes to approaching new people

How does that work?

 

 

[Will am I]

Nothing wrong with an occasional Netflix evening. But I would suggest you build at least two evenings out into your weekly routine. One around sports or exercise and one about dating or social activities.