Meeting the parents roadblock - or a larger relationship issue?

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 months. I've only had three past relationships but I've never had such a strong feeling that I truly love and treasure someone so much. Two of these relationships were  long term but I was not compatible with those exes so I'm very keenly aware of what I want and don't want in a significant other based on those experiences. My boyfriend has claimed many times he feels the same way about me, although I am his first girlfriend. He has dated girls in the past but it never went past a month of dating and he did not like them enough to make it official.

We are crazy about each other physically and mentally - he is quite literally a dream guy for me in everything - we have the same faith, the same family values, political views, etc, we make each other laugh. We've said "I love you's" (he sad it first) and my BF has said in the first 5 dates that he is looking for marriage and wants a serious partner, which I am 100% on board with too. We've met each other's closest friends many times, and gone on many, many small trips exploring nature and food. I've nursed him when he was sick and never spared any love or attention or money on anything he needed especially if he was sick or stressed.

Here's where I am getting confused - and frankly, feeling a bit hurt and disrespected. The holidays are coming up and naturally, I figured he would invite me to spend the short Thanksgiving holidays with his family in another state (a very short plane ride away, or long-ish drive). He's very close to his family and has visited them maybe 10-15 times during the time we were dating, and they've been over to visit him a couple times. However, he has never taken the initiative for me to meet them even though I've expressed many times how much I would love that. He's met my family many times who were generous in having us over for large meals.

In fact, when I asked him whether we'd spend the holidays (Thanksgiving or Christmas) with his family, he got defensive and said that his family is very "traditional" and would be VERY against me staying over their house when we are not engaged or married. Finally, I got him to admit that his mother likely has some sort of prejudice against me, and it is unclear exactly what it is. My BF and I are of the same faith and race. We even have somewhat similar origins. We met at the same prestigious university, so we both have the same level of advanced degree from a top grad program (he's getting his now). I've been told I was very classically attractive by both men and women so I know it can't be just looks based. I'm very fit too, and have a very healthy lifestyle which my boyfriend really appreciates. BUT, though apparently my boyfriend talks to his family all the time about me and the things we do, or things I do for him, they remain "lukewarm" about me. It seems like they are judging me without even meeting me.

I've expressed my frustration to my boyfriend that this makes me feel like he's not taking our relationship seriously - like I'm just some temporary girl who is not even worth showing to his parents, even though we discussed getting married one day, within 3-5 years. We discussed wanting kids and talked a bit about how we would raise them. Obviously I understand that he is not ready to propose to me at the moment - while he's still finishing his degree (I"m done with mine) - but should I be concerned about his lack of action in warming his parents up to me? Especially if he claims he is close to his family, and he doesn't want to "lose his freedom"? Could anyone please advise me on what to do in such a situation?

Many thanks. For context, we are 27 (him) and 28 (me).

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[Gaeta]

Wow! Just wow.

I'm sorry, he's not serious about you and this is just a series of excuses on his part. Do not fall for this! It's just so ridiculous! You don't see it yet because you're entangled emotionnally.

Please, a young woman like you that has everything for herself, youth, health, education, class! Should not have to convince a boyfriend she's worth meeting his parents. The right man will be excessively proud to bring you to his parents and he'll only lift you in their eyes.

[Alvi]

Is there a possibility that he is scheduled for an arranged marriage? Do you think his parents have someone else in mind to become his wife at a future date? That's the only reason why I can see them being prejudiced against you. One guy told me that he can date whoever he wants but when it comes to a marriage, he is going to marry a woman that his parents select for him (from their old home country). 

2 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I've been told I was very classically attractive by both men and women so I know it can't be just looks based. I'm very fit too, and have a very healthy lifestyle which my boyfriend really appreciates. BUT, though apparently my boyfriend talks to his family all the time about me and the things we do, or things I do for him, they remain "lukewarm" about me. It seems like they are judging me without even meeting me.

Good for you, OP. But do you thinks it makes any difference to them what you are like if they want him to marry another woman?

If that's not it, sorry, he is not ready to take this relationship to the next level (no matter what he tells you). And yeah, this would be a red flag. I had a guy, who wanted me to meet his parents after our second date. Way too soon but you can see. Guys usually want to show off a woman that they date to their friends and family.

[Ami1uwant]

What race/ heritage/ religion  are you and him?  Is there some obvious differences like you are a single mom and his parents want him with a Virgin?  Do they expect the wife to be stay at home?

have you talked to him about past relationships and meeting his family?

 

i get if it was a far distance like they live in another country.  

9 months in a relationship you should be traveling with him and meeting each other’s families and doing holidays together.

 

my gut says he has a hometown gf he’s seeing and the family knows nothing about you.

[poppyfields]

Could it be possible he is embarrassed by them?   

Perhaps the mom (or dad) is a raging drunk, or they're hoarders or just weird, judgmental or prejudice/racist and he is embarrassed by them and is fearful having you meet them?  Fearful you will judge him negatively?

I knew a man who was so embarrassed by his family he never took his girlfriend around them, it had nothing to do with HER, it was them.

If me, I would try very hard to not take personally if everything else is going well, it could be anything.

My own brother didn't introduce his now-wife to any of us including our mom and dad for 2.5 years.

And they are now very happily married.

Just sayin, try to not overact.  Strive for understanding.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

Finally, I got him to admit that his mother likely has some sort of prejudice against me, and it is unclear exactly what it is.

I'm not sure if your boyfriend hasn't told you what their prejudice is or if he doesn't know what it is.  But either way, it's well past time to get the truth.    At this point, you've got a situation, but no knowledge of the cause.  Get those facts and the way forward will be clearer.

If he wasn't close to his family and was happy to write them off if they don't accept you, then your future has a fighting chance.  But as he spends a lot of time with them, this isn't going to be an option.  What will happen if/when you get engaged? Wedding? Children?  It's going to be a disaster.

Edited November 15, 2022 by basil67

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Wow! Just wow.

I'm sorry, he's not serious about you and this is just a series of excuses on his part. Do not fall for this! It's just so ridiculous! You don't see it yet because you're entangled emotionnally.

Please, a young woman like you that has everything for herself, youth, health, education, class! Should not have to convince a boyfriend she's worth meeting his parents. The right man will be excessively proud to bring you to his parents and he'll only lift you in their eyes.

Thank you so much. I think you have a good point that I need to value myself more. I get into a pattern where I overvalue the other person even over my own needs, so maybe I need to dial down my own emotional investments here.

Thanks so much for your input @Ami1uwant We're both white/European heritage and Christian. I'm not a single mom, I just finished lots of years of education at a prestigious school and have a full-time job, looking for a husband to start a family with. His parents have traditional gender role expectations, but both my BF and I are on the same page about that.

@poppyfieldsIt's possible he's embarrassed by them. He has said that they are not the friendliest parents several times. But he has made it pretty explicit that it was his mom who told him I wasn't welcome to their house until we were engaged/married. I'm trying very hard not to take it personally, but it's difficult for sure.

@basil67 He's not sure what it is, but he has hinted when I started giving possibilities. He thinks it's my heritage possibly but it's unclear. We're both children of European immigrants, but I come from an Eastern European family whereas his parents are immigrants from the UK and another central European country. He in the end conceded that it would certainly help if she met me. But I'm not sure exactly which stereotypes she believes - is it even my place to try to pry him to find out?

I don't think there's an arranged marriage scheduled. But it seems like his parents suggested girls to date in the past, and they were all part of wealthy families whom the dad knew. But my BF didn't like any of them because they weren't attractive to him in both looks and lifestyle. I come from a middle- to upper class family but we are modest and live within our means. I myself earn a decent salary and zero debt. I dress well and cook quality food and go to cultural events. But if they're looking for a daughter-in-law with family beach mansions and elite circles, that's not me. If anything, such a desire seems a bit at odds with the likes of true Christians for whom material wealth shouldn't hold such a high position...

Edited November 15, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[Ami1uwant]

13 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

Thank you so much. I think you have a good point that I need to value myself more. I get into a pattern where I overvalue the other person even over my own needs, so maybe I need to dial down my own emotional investments here.

Thanks so much for your input @Ami1uwant We're both white/European heritage and Christian. I'm not a single mom, I just finished lots of years of education at a prestigious school and have a full-time job, looking for a husband to start a family with. His parents have traditional gender role expectations, but both my BF and I are on the same page about that.

@poppyfieldsIt's possible he's embarrassed by them. He has said that they are not the friendliest parents several times. But he has made it pretty explicit that it was his mom who told him I wasn't welcome to their house until we were engaged/married. I'm trying very hard not to take it personally, but it's difficult for sure.

@basil67 He's not sure what it is, but he has hinted when I started giving possibilities. He thinks it's my heritage possibly but it's unclear. We're both children of European immigrants, but I come from an Eastern European family whereas his parents are immigrants from the UK and another central European country. He in the end conceded that it would certainly help if she met me. But I'm not sure exactly which stereotypes she believes - is it even my place to try to pry him to find out?

I don't think there's an arranged marriage scheduled. But it seems like his parents suggested girls to date in the past, and they were all part of wealthy families whom the dad knew. But my BF didn't like any of them because they weren't attractive to him in both looks and lifestyle. I come from a middle- to upper class family but we are modest and live within our means. I myself earn a decent salary and zero debt. I dress well and cook quality food and go to cultural events. But if they're looking for a daughter-in-law with family beach mansions and elite circles, that's not me. If anything, such a desire seems a bit at odds with the likes of true Christians for whom material wealth shouldn't hold such a high position...

 

assuming this is true, he needs to stand up to them if he loves you and bring you otherwise he doesn’t go and visit.

[Gaeta]

I don't think he's worth it OP.

When you insisted he changed his story, he's not open with you, you're getting very little information and you have to drill him for it. 

Do you want a life time of being considered the wrong woman for their son? He's certainly not showing the backbone needed to stand up to them. Then will come the grand children and their fussiness will amplify, it doesn't feel like this man will have your back. 

Is this relationship really worth a life of adversity?

Edited November 15, 2022 by Gaeta

[NuevoYorko]

It's weird that he's 27 years old and never had a girlfriend before in his life.  The parents probably have a lot to do with that.

[Alvi]

 

1 hour ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

If anything, such a desire seems a bit at odds with the likes of true Christians for whom material wealth shouldn't hold such a high position...

Do you really believe that material wealth and social status means nothing to people? I am going on a limb here, but I am sure there are quite a few old-school parents out there who want their kids to marry the "right" person. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

Especially if he claims he is close to his family, and he doesn't want to "lose his freedom"?

Is this actually what he said? If so, what does that mean?

Personally, I wouldn’t be put off that I didn’t have to go and see his parents for the holidays. It’s only been nine months and there are many more holidays…

I think you are really overthinking this, but you are doing that because he isn’t giving you much information. IF she doesn’t want you in their home, he damn well knows the reason… It’s not because you are not engaged/married. You are in your late 20’s, it’s not like you are dating and 17. They can put you up in separate beds like every other family does… You would think she would want to get to know you before he proposes…  With all due respect to his family, he’s not a very considerate partner and this isn’t a very mature relationship if you can’t have this discussion and he can’t communicate respectfully to both you, and his parents. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and get the facts here before you do anything more…

Edited November 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

 his family is very "traditional" and would be VERY against me staying over their house when we are not engaged or married.  he claims he is close to his family, and he doesn't want to "lose his freedom"? , we are 27 (him) and 28 (me)

Sorry this is happening. This may have a lot to do with it. Perhaps they are  ultraconservative and against premarital sex? 

He is still in college? How does he support himself? Is your hometown his college town?

Does he have a hometown GF? Maybe it's not just his parents he visits this often. That in itself seems odd. 15x in 9 mos for a 27 y/o man?

Does he plan to move back closer to them when he finishes school?

What does he mean by "not wanting to lose his freedom"?

Step back and slow down on the marriage and future talk. It's too soon for all that and seems more like string along talk.

Instead use this time to evaluate if he and his family are people who you would want to bother with.

It's odd you're viewing it from the defensive perspective of hiding you and not being good enough for them.

In reality it's up to you to decide to slow down and observe red flags about him and his family situation. Particularly if you are the local temporary college town GF and he has a hometown GF.

Perhaps he is still financially dependant on them or hasn't cut the apron strings? That as well is another red flag.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

5 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

But I'm not sure exactly which stereotypes she believes - is it even my place to try to pry him to find out?

They are talking about you, so you have every right to know what's being said.  Frankly, if I didn't get a straight answer and a solid plan for moving forward, I'd end it now.   

[Gaeta]

Some people might think 9 months dating is early to meet the parents, personnally l would walk away for not having met his parents yet. I made the mistake to drag it a full year once and l never met the parents at the end, turns out l was not *that important*.

You're both late 20s. It's young for a man with still time to waste, not so much time to waste anymore for a woman that's looking to start a family.

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

Thank you everyone so far for your thoughtful responses. I am overwhelmingly thankful for you taking the time to respond to me and my situation, and I am so grateful to have a third party outside perspective. 
 

It seems like people are in two camps: one being that I need to understand the full story before making any major decisions, and another is that this situation already gives me all the answers I need. As @Gaeta mentioned, I am 28 and I do feel like the clock is ticking in terms of starting a family, I don’t want to spend years on a guy who isn’t all that sure if he wants the same with me. But wouldn’t it be reasonable to give it a timeline - say 6 months of not nagging or bringing up further commitment - and if I am still not any closer to a deeper commitment and/or proposal than I am now, gently let him know that I can’t wait around and just end it? 
 

I know a couple who got engaged in 6 months after meeting, but the man was in his mid-30’s and established career. I also know a couple who were dating 7 years since early 20’s before getting engaged but are very happy. It seems that mileage varies but it’s still important to see gestures of increasing commitment (e.g. meeting the parents, going on long trips) even before any planning for a ring I’d think. 
 

@BaileyB yes because he was single for so long he’s very used to having time for himself and hobbies and did express general worry that he may feel “trapped” in a relationship. He says he doesn’t feel that with me, but that because it’s so new to him he’s taking time getting used to be a “couple unit”. This is also likely why he hasn’t had a GF before. 
 

@Wiseman2when I said degree, I mean advanced/graduate degree. We finished college a long time ago.  He is financially independent but his parents have definitely helped him accrue a large part of his wealth. So there is definitely a deep feeling of attachment and indebtedness perhaps originating there too. He doesn’t plan to move to their town, but wants to stay in the same town where I am. 

Also, you’re right on the money - they are very conservative/religious and don’t believe in pre-marital sex (especially the mom). However, I’d think that even ultra traditional parents would be interested in meeting a girlfriend who has a high potential of being a wife, especially if it seems like she ticks all the boxes (same faith, family-oriented, accomplished, sociable and warm, obviously cares for their son a great deal, etc)…

For him, he feels a huge sense of worth from the ability to provide for his woman / future family. Hence why he has said many times that he is not ready for huge steps of commitment (e.g. proposal) while he’s still not established in his career. I think it’s very particular to who he is, as I know plenty of couples who got engaged and/or married while still in graduate school.  

Edited November 15, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

 

It seems like people are in two camps: one being that I need to understand the full story before making any major decisions, and another is that this situation already gives me all the answers I need.

You won't be understanding the full story because he's already given you the answers that he has.   I don't think you can realistically expect anything more in depth.

Bottom line:  A guy of this age, with this kind of family dynamic (he seems like a little kid where they're concerned), who is vocal about "not losing his freedom" and especially who is on his very first relationship at the age of 27 is NOT currently on a track towards marriage.   

I'm sorry but I would almost put money on it.  

If you want to keep enjoying yourself with him, go ahead.  If you are actually wanting to make future plans,  I believe you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Ami1uwant]

35 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

Thank you everyone so far for your thoughtful responses. I am overwhelmingly thankful for you taking the time to respond to me and my situation, and I am so grateful to have a third party outside perspective. 
 

It seems like people are in two camps: one being that I need to understand the full story before making any major decisions, and another is that this situation already gives me all the answers I need. As @Gaeta mentioned, I am 28 and I do feel like the clock is ticking in terms of starting a family, I don’t want to spend years on a guy who isn’t all that sure if he wants the same with me. But wouldn’t it be reasonable to give it a timeline - say 6 months of not nagging or bringing up further commitment - and if I am still not any closer to a deeper commitment and/or proposal than I am now, gently let him know that I can’t wait around and just end it? 
 

I know a couple who got engaged in 6 months after meeting, but the man was in his mid-30’s and established career. I also know a couple who were dating 7 years since early 20’s before getting engaged but are very happy. It seems that mileage varies but it’s still important to see gestures of increasing commitment (e.g. meeting the parents, going on long trips) even before any planning for a ring I’d think. 
 

@BaileyB yes because he was single for so long he’s very used to having time for himself and hobbies and did express general worry that he may feel “trapped” in a relationship. He says he doesn’t feel that with me, but that because it’s so new to him he’s taking time getting used to be a “couple unit”. This is also likely why he hasn’t had a GF before. 
 

@Wiseman2when I said degree, I mean advanced/graduate degree. We finished college a long time ago.  He is financially independent but his parents have definitely helped him accrue a large part of his wealth. So there is definitely a deep feeling of attachment and indebtedness perhaps originating there too. He doesn’t plan to move to their town, but wants to stay in the same town where I am. 

Also, you’re right on the money - they are very conservative/religious and don’t believe in pre-marital sex (especially the mom). However, I’d think that even ultra traditional parents would be interested in meeting a girlfriend who has a high potential of being a wife, especially if it seems like she ticks all the boxes (same faith, family-oriented, accomplished, sociable and warm, obviously cares for their son a great deal, etc)…

For him, he feels a huge sense of worth from the ability to provide for his woman / future family. Hence why he has said many times that he is not ready for huge steps of commitment (e.g. proposal) while he’s still not established in his career. I think it’s very particular to who he is, as I know plenty of couples who got engaged and/or married while still in graduate school.  

like I mentioned …there coukd be things hidden thst you don’t know the full story.

here in the USA if you have been dating6+ months and you are approaching the holidays, it’s a good tim3 to meet family of thr person.

 

i understand some might want to wait and only introduce those they are serious about in terms of a relationship? 6 months of regular dating is reasonable.  You don’t need to be living together or engaged.

 

i do find it odd that freedom and needing to see family 15+ times a year by air travel means you are free.  It sounds like the cord is still attached or if the gpfamily is wealthy thrn they said we cut the bank acct off if you blow us off.

 

i do think it’s possible this is a lie about conservative parents and he is really having a double life with a hometown girlfriend he travels to see frequently.  Maybe this is an “arranged” marriage thing where he’s expected to date her and she’s from an acceptable family 

 

[Coasting1991]

My guess? His parents, especially his mother, have him wrapped around their fingers. His mother probably doesn't like you because you're the first woman in his life that's not her (not at all your fault, that's her issue). The only way this works is if he makes clear boundaries regarding you with his parents - which would include meeting you, being cordial with you, etc. But tbh, as NuevoYorko said, that might be difficult to do for someone who's in their first relationship and you've been with for "only" 9 months. Normally I would say wait it out a bit longer, but since you know what you want and feel as though your biological clock is ticking, it's time to have a big, calm, heart to heart discussion with him and let him know where you stand. 

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

25 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

like I mentioned …there coukd be things hidden thst you don’t know the full story.

here in the USA if you have been dating6+ months and you are approaching the holidays, it’s a good tim3 to meet family of thr person.

 

i understand some might want to wait and only introduce those they are serious about in terms of a relationship? 6 months of regular dating is reasonable.  You don’t need to be living together or engaged.

 

i do find it odd that freedom and needing to see family 15+ times a year by air travel means you are free.  It sounds like the cord is still attached or if the gpfamily is wealthy thrn they said we cut the bank acct off if you blow us off.

 

i do think it’s possible this is a lie about conservative parents and he is really having a double life with a hometown girlfriend he travels to see frequently.  Maybe this is an “arranged” marriage thing where he’s expected to date her and she’s from an acceptable family 

 

Thanks a lot for the response. I’d say it’s more like 10 times that he visited his family (or they visited him) in the 9 months. I overestimate with 15 because it seems like a lot. I really don’t think he’s got another girlfriend. It’s really more to do with the cord like you mentioned. 

thanks for your input @NuevoYorkoand @Coasting1991. I’ve never met someone who ticked off so many boxes for me either (except for the weird family dynamics obviously) and I have reason to believe he wants this to work out. He had a serious life event last year that caused him to snap out of the bachelor phase and start looking for a serious GF. It seemed to have a profound impact on him and I think he is genuine about it. I do see your point of view though that I may just be looking at it with rose colored goggles…

 

[NuevoYorko]

If he were serious about you in the way you need him to be, this situation with the parents would not be happening.  Why?  Because he would have set them straight.  

[Els]

14 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I'm not a single mom, I just finished lots of years of education at a prestigious school and have a full-time job, looking for a husband to start a family with. His parents have traditional gender role expectations, but both my BF and I are on the same page about that.

Considering what you've just told us, I think it makes sense that his parents would be against you sharing a room with your bf in his parents' house. He's probably telling the truth about that - in my experience, the majority of Christians from traditional cultures and older generations have a strong aversion to unmarried couples staying the night together.

However, it's probably a mixed bag, with them ALSO being lukewarm towards you, and that's never a fun thing. Again, though, IME, many conservative/traditional parents tend to be lukewarm towards anyone but the "perfect" person whom they have chosen for their child based on their own criteria (with no thought given to what their child actually likes).

For me, this would not be an issue, as I don't particularly care about a partner's parents - I am not marrying them, after all, and I would be sympathetic as my own parents are the same way. Personally, my concern would be whether or not he's able and willing to stand on his own two feet re: his parents. It wouldn't matter to me whether they like me, but it WOULD matter to me if he was such a mummy's boy that he would let them dictate who he dates or marries, or prioritizes them over me.

However, clearly it is an issue for you, and it is a valid concern to have. I also think many people would share your viewpoint. In view of that, AND the fact that you seem to value close ties with parents much more than I do, it is probably wise for you to rethink this relationship.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

- say 6 months of not nagging or bringing up further commitment - and if I am still not any closer to a deeper commitment and/or proposal than I am now, gently let him know that I can’t wait around and just end it? 

No, l personnaly don't believe in shutting down your concerns in the hope he'll do what? He's not doing anything when you talk about it he'll be too happy you stop talking about it.

I would put the problem in his hands and ask him what's his solution. 

Ask him: *how do you plan on fixing this*.

[searching heart]

I feel the internal clock has you in a rush . It's only been 9 months. Really, he doesn't even know you yet. Most men including myself would want to take a couple years before marriage. I can tell you from personal experience mothers on both sides can feel a girlfriend or boyfriend is not good enough for their child. Maybe he doesn't want to put you through the gauntlet as of yet. Attempting to rush the situation will not help ,only time will. If your not willing to spend the time tell him.

[introverted1]

I have a son about the same age your bf and he is bringing his gf of 6-ish months to Christmas at our house.  I can't imagine not wanting to meet the woman my son is in love with and the only way I would not welcome her with open arms is if she had done something egregious. More to the point, if I were to tell my son that I didn't like his gf and couldn't provide a valid, concrete reason, I have no doubt he would make his feelings about the situation very clear to me.  There is no way he'd be willing to hide or back-burner his gf, nor should he. 

I don't know what issue(s) your bf's mother has, but it's up to him to set the record straight that you are the woman in his life. If I were you, I'd be very unimpressed with his handling of the situation. I am with @Gaeta on this:  ask him how he plans to resolve the situation.  I think his answer will give you good insight into what to do next.