How do one 'work on yourself'

[Runninggirl]

In relation to dating failures I often hear people, coaches, everyone say you should take your time and work on yourself, improve yourself and so on. Always big words with very little detail. Its very hard to see what needs to improve in oneself, so do you guys have any specific tips? 

For instance the obvious one would be working out more, but in my case I already feel confident in that area, I work out a lot and so on. My finances are good, I have a nice apartment, I feel in progress with work. All the "big things" are good. Still there's obvious room for improvement, but I find it hard to know WHAT and HOW to improve. 

For instance one thing I feel like I have improved this year is Ive become more brave, better at telling the people Im dating my boundaries and what Im looking for. Not to just play the "cool chill girl". Be brave and say how I feel. 

I often hear people say you will feel better when you work on yourself. For instance I have pretty low self esteem, although I objectively feel like I have no reason for it. How do one improve self esteem, when its a feeling and not logic based? I would think doing more things that Im proud of would help in this area. But I have all the big things, I have "the looks", I have great close friends, a better relationship with family than Ive had in years, I recently purchased my dream apartment, and I have my dream job. I have no financial worries, and Ive travelled the world alone. Still I always feel like s***. I dont have anyone to share these things with, and they are all materialistic and mean nothing to me. 

Personally I feel like I need some serious "work" on myself, but I dont know where to start. Ive tried to get input from family and friends, but their response is always that Im good enough as I am, other people are the problem and so on. But Im still alone, and I believe Im part of the problem. How can I become more attractive in the dating market, and how do I attract the right people? 

All input welcome! 

Edited November 14, 2022 by Runninggirl

[smackie9]

Boost confidence by getting a makeover. New wardrobe, new look new hair style new color, etc. also find new interests or hobbies. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I often hear people say you will feel better when you work on yourself. For instance I have pretty low self esteem, although I objectively feel like I have no reason for it. How do one improve self esteem, when its a feeling and not logic based?

I think the first step is determining where your low self-esteem stems from (childhood?  An unhealthy relationship or a traumatic breakup?).  Just three examples but it stems from somewhere.

People aren't born with low self-esteem, it slowly accumulates from a combination of experiences, some of which you may not even be consciously aware of. 

This is a where good therapist could help you.

Your low self-esteem shows its face in the choices you make, the type of men you become attracted to and remain with even when you see red flags.

Like this last guy.   A woman with higher self esteem would not have tolerated what you did, I know I certainly would NOT have.

But yet you chose to continue dating him, not even recognizing the red flags as being red flags, and he eventually dumped you.

Once you determine where you low self-esteem stems from can you begin making changes, from within.

Does not matter how beautiful you are on the outside or how great a job you have or money, if you lack self-esteem it won't matter, you feel poorly about yourself and it will reflect in the choices you make.

Believe it or not, some of the most beautiful women in the world are the most insecure, and have the lowest self-esteem.

It comes from WITHIN.

So figure that out either with the help of a good qualified therapist, reading good books by reputable authors or simply through self-reflection and introspection, and the problem is half-solved.

Good luck!  Understanding and resolving self-esteem issues is one of the most challenging things one can do, but well worth it!

 

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I have great close friends, a better relationship with family than Ive had in years, I recently purchased my dream apartment, and I have my dream job. I have no financial worries, and Ive travelled the world alone. Still I always feel like s***.

Sorry this is going on. Since everything on the outside seems great, work on what your inner issues may be. Start with a good physical. Get tests done, make sure all that is in order. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to explore what you feel is missing and why. Stop watching  coaches and motivational speakers. It sound nice while watching but when it's over, it won't fix your malaise or depressed feelings. Detox from social media and a lot of the showboating and nonsense on there. 

[stillafool]

I would suggest to volunteer your time to others who are less fortunate which will help you to stop thinking about yourself so much  It is also a way to meet new people.

[basil67]

How long have you been feeling this way?  Or, to turn it around, when was the last time you felt really positive?  Do you know what changed?

I'm also wondering if perhaps you're picking the wrong guys.  When on a dating app, what makes you decide that you'd like to get in contact with a particular man?  And if you meet him, what makes you decide that you want to keep seeing him?

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

In relation to dating failures I often hear people, coaches, everyone say you should take your time and work on yourself, improve yourself and so on. Always big words with very little detail. Its very hard to see what needs to improve in oneself, so do you guys have any specific tips? 

For instance the obvious one would be working out more, but in my case I already feel confident in that area, I work out a lot and so on. My finances are good, I have a nice apartment, I feel in progress with work. All the "big things" are good. Still there's obvious room for improvement, but I find it hard to know WHAT and HOW to improve. 

For instance one thing I feel like I have improved this year is Ive become more brave, better at telling the people Im dating my boundaries and what Im looking for. Not to just play the "cool chill girl". Be brave and say how I feel. 

I often hear people say you will feel better when you work on yourself. For instance I have pretty low self esteem, although I objectively feel like I have no reason for it. How do one improve self esteem, when its a feeling and not logic based? I would think doing more things that Im proud of would help in this area. But I have all the big things, I have "the looks", I have great close friends, a better relationship with family than Ive had in years, I recently purchased my dream apartment, and I have my dream job. I have no financial worries, and Ive travelled the world alone. Still I always feel like s***. I dont have anyone to share these things with, and they are all materialistic and mean nothing to me. 

Personally I feel like I need some serious "work" on myself, but I dont know where to start. Ive tried to get input from family and friends, but their response is always that Im good enough as I am, other people are the problem and so on. But Im still alone, and I believe Im part of the problem. How can I become more attractive in the dating market, and how do I attract the right people? 

All input welcome! 

The question is what caused the relationships to end?

if you aren’t getting dates—why? How are you going about doing this?

working on yourself means understanding what mistakes you made in getting relationships and making them last.  We’re there relationship problems like you being a nag or you operate on a double standard? Is there a pattern in how youare picking relationships like they have common charscteristics or you think you can fix thrm but really you can’t?

[Mrin]

Consider the Landmark Forum or one of Dr Joe Dispenza's seminars

[Weezy1973]

12 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

For instance I have pretty low self esteem, although I objectively feel like I have no reason for it. How do one improve self esteem, when its a feeling and not logic based?

First a distinction I make between self-esteem and self-worth. You can have good self-esteem - believing you’re attractive, successful, have your life together, and still have low self worth - believing despite these things, you’re still not worthy of being loved just for who you are. 
 

I suspect your self esteem is fine, but you struggle with self worth. That feeling that you’re not good enough. Perhaps even leading to perfectionism. And most of the time, low self worth is rooted in childhood. And how to work on yourself if this is the case is going to therapy. 

[Runninggirl]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think the first step is determining where your low self-esteem stems from (childhood?  An unhealthy relationship or a traumatic breakup?).  Just three examples but it stems from somewhere.

People aren't born with low self-esteem, it slowly accumulates from a combination of experiences, some of which you may not even be consciously aware of. 

 

Thanks for an insightful reply as always. I think it stems from childhood, Ive "always" felt like this, as if its always external things or what I do that makes me lovable. Ive felt very lonely since I was a child, I was always anxious, and afraid someone would leave me. I never felt very safe anywhere. There was no major issues, but I never felt safe coming with my feelings anywhere. I never felt like love was "unconditional". 

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is going on. Since everything on the outside seems great, work on what your inner issues may be. Start with a good physical. Get tests done, make sure all that is in order. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to explore what you feel is missing and why. Stop watching  coaches and motivational speakers. It sound nice while watching but when it's over, it won't fix your malaise or depressed feelings. Detox from social media and a lot of the showboating and nonsense on there. 

Ive thought about seeing a therapist, but I feel like its difficult to navigate to find a good one in my country. 

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

I would suggest to volunteer your time to others who are less fortunate which will help you to stop thinking about yourself so much  It is also a way to meet new people.

Good idea

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

How long have you been feeling this way?  Or, to turn it around, when was the last time you felt really positive?  Do you know what changed?

I'm also wondering if perhaps you're picking the wrong guys.  When on a dating app, what makes you decide that you'd like to get in contact with a particular man?  And if you meet him, what makes you decide that you want to keep seeing him?

 

I feel like this is my status quo, and the last time I felt good was probably in my last long term relationship, but I was always very afraid he would leave me, which he eventually did. Several times. He was on and off, and I was walking on egg shells trying to do all the right things and navigate the right way. He ended the relationship because he didnt feel like I was going anywhere (I was always afraid to try to bring it somewhere, because I was afraid that he didnt REALLY want to be with me), always felt like he was a bit embarrassed to be with me, or that he would "see through" finally that I wasn't all that. 

Ive never met anyone on a dating app. I always go for the ones I feel like I have connection with in real life. IN the beginning I always feel very in control and well liked, but as soon as I like them I start becoming insecure. My main problem is also I never seem to like anyone. I know it doesn't seem so on this site, but for the majority of my life Ive only felt lust or attraction, I rarely feel connection. Often if they become very attached to me I loose attraction. 

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

The question is what caused the relationships to end?

if you aren’t getting dates—why? How are you going about doing this?

working on yourself means understanding what mistakes you made in getting relationships and making them last.  We’re there relationship problems like you being a nag or you operate on a double standard? Is there a pattern in how youare picking relationships like they have common charscteristics or you think you can fix thrm but really you can’t?

I think I somehow come off as needy but at the same time too independent. Like I dont open up or be vulnerable, but at the same time they "feel" that Im needy. 

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

First a distinction I make between self-esteem and self-worth. You can have good self-esteem - believing you’re attractive, successful, have your life together, and still have low self worth - believing despite these things, you’re still not worthy of being loved just for who you are. 
 

I suspect your self esteem is fine, but you struggle with self worth. That feeling that you’re not good enough. Perhaps even leading to perfectionism. And most of the time, low self worth is rooted in childhood. And how to work on yourself if this is the case is going to therapy. 

Yes this is what I meant. My self worth is low. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

 the majority of my life Ive only felt lust or attraction, I rarely feel connection. 

You could try a paid relationship focused app for less wear and tear and better results.

Yes, volunteering as well as joining some groups and clubs as well as taking classes and courses would be a great way to meet people, make friends and get to know men in real life based on a common interest.

Perhaps that could help with going past just physical attraction and developing feeling for men.

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 I have all the big things, I have "the looks", I have great close friends, a better relationship with family than Ive had in years, I recently purchased my dream apartment, and I have my dream job. I have no financial worries, and Ive travelled the world alone. Still I always feel like s***. I dont have anyone to share these things with, and they are all materialistic and mean nothing to me. 

Personally I feel like I need some serious "work" on myself, but I dont know where to start.

 

The nice thing is that "materialistic things that mean little" mean quite a LOT when you don't have enough money to meet your needs. So it's great that you are "set" in this way. "Achieving" this sort of stuff can sometimes be what it meant when people say to work on yourself.

There may actually be a correlation between your inner feelings and outer achievement in the the sense that achieving these things "filled a void" of some kind for you, or it felt like it did or you believed it would at the time.

At any rate, a strong material position also means you can afford therapy to work on your internal happiness, and I echo the suggestion on that from above.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Thanks for an insightful reply as always. I think it stems from childhood, Ive "always" felt like this, as if its always external things or what I do that makes me lovable. Ive felt very lonely since I was a child, I was always anxious, and afraid someone would leave me. I never felt very safe anywhere. There was no major issues, but I never felt safe coming with my feelings anywhere. I never felt like love was "unconditional". 

Ive thought about seeing a therapist, but I feel like its difficult to navigate to find a good one in my country. 

Good idea

I feel like this is my status quo, and the last time I felt good was probably in my last long term relationship, but I was always very afraid he would leave me, which he eventually did. Several times. He was on and off, and I was walking on egg shells trying to do all the right things and navigate the right way. He ended the relationship because he didnt feel like I was going anywhere (I was always afraid to try to bring it somewhere, because I was afraid that he didnt REALLY want to be with me), always felt like he was a bit embarrassed to be with me, or that he would "see through" finally that I wasn't all that. 

Ive never met anyone on a dating app. I always go for the ones I feel like I have connection with in real life. IN the beginning I always feel very in control and well liked, but as soon as I like them I start becoming insecure. My main problem is also I never seem to like anyone. I know it doesn't seem so on this site, but for the majority of my life Ive only felt lust or attraction, I rarely feel connection. Often if they become very attached to me I loose attraction. 

I think I somehow come off as needy but at the same time too independent. Like I dont open up or be vulnerable, but at the same time they "feel" that Im needy. 

Yes this is what I meant. My self worth is low. 

my gut feeling….

 

you have some sort of anxiety/ attachment /fear of abandoment disorder  and you might have a different perspective on what constitutes caring/ love behavior where youare expecting it to show a certain way but that is not typical.  Because of this fear you are likeky guarded in showing your feelings/ emotions and you want thrm to show certain behavior but you don’t reciprocate which makes you appear more selfish than say needy. 
 

on top of this, because youhave all these nice things, you might have an issue in not wanting to settle on picking a person where you are passing over good candidates.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[NuevoYorko]

From your posts, which are not very many, I have the impression that you need to get into some in depth therapy.   Something is amiss with your approach to dating / men.   At least with the one real example we have.  You seemed to be projecting a lot onto your connection with that man, which was clearly different in reality than what you were telling yourself (and us) that it was.  

This is standing in your way of relationships, obviously.   If you focus on this with a therapist, you can learn how to use the information that a person is actually giving you to make decisions.   

You could even provide a therapist with a transcript of that thread to help.

Good luck.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I feel like this is my status quo, and the last time I felt good was probably in my last long term relationship, but I was always very afraid he would leave me, which he eventually did. Several times. He was on and off, and I was walking on egg shells trying to do all the right things and navigate the right way. He ended the relationship because he didnt feel like I was going anywhere (I was always afraid to try to bring it somewhere, because I was afraid that he didnt REALLY want to be with me), always felt like he was a bit embarrassed to be with me, or that he would "see through" finally that I wasn't all that. 

This is not how a healthy relationship looks. Nobody should ever be in a relationship where they feel like they are walking on eggshells.  But neither should someone be in a relationship where the other thinks they are going to up and leave for no reason.   And nobody should be in a relationship which is on and off due to it being broken.  There's a whole lot of chicken and egg stuff here, so it's hard to tell if you were causing the problems or if you were reacting to stuff he was doing. Or a bit of both.

Let's go back to the beginning: When the relationship was shiny and new, did he give you any reason to think he'd leave you?   What did he do to make you feel he was embarrassed to be with you?

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by basil67

[Runninggirl]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is not how a healthy relationship looks. Nobody should ever be in a relationship where they feel like they are walking on eggshells.  But neither should someone be in a relationship where the other thinks they are going to up and leave for no reason.   And nobody should be in a relationship which is on and off due to it being broken.  There's a whole lot of chicken and egg stuff here, so it's hard to tell if you were causing the problems or if you were reacting to stuff he was doing. Or a bit of both.

Let's go back to the beginning: When the relationship was shiny and new, did he give you any reason to think he'd leave you?   What did he do to make you feel he was embarrassed to be with you?

 

Not really. He seemed really into me, and in hindsight he told me how in love with me he was at that point, but I kept looking for signs that he didnt like me. I even took him a bit for granted in the beginning, but as he started to give up a bit because I didnt seem as into him (because I was afraid), that's when it started to be a real push-pull. 

I didnt think he was embarrassed in the beginning, he seemed proud. But after all the on and off, he seemed a bit embarrassed by the situation, and after a while he started hiding that we were back together after we broke up, and so on. I just took it personal. I think I got way worse from this relationship too. 

[glows]

Rg, these are good questions. I feel what all this means is only getting back in touch with what matters to you. People may say “work on yourself” and that means finding what works for you.

When I’ve felt down due to changes or unexpected circumstances I’ve returned time and again to what matters most to me and that can be anything you wish. For many, it’s about family. For others, it’s about their community as well and friends. There may be hobbies you love to do that only you know about - get back in touch with those interests. 

You mentioned having low self-esteem so what boosts your self-esteem? I never liked working out and the one time I had a gym membership I think I only went 4-5 times in 2 years, finally cancelled it. To stay in shape I do other things, mostly outside. You don’t have to do things exactly as prescribed by someone else. Think creatively and live meaningfully. When you find so much meaning in your life you eventually also find who you are, what you’re meant to do. 

And it doesn’t have to be about money and material possessions or memberships and exclusive things. Get right down to the core of what makes you you. You can find meaning in many things but you give it that meaning and live well. That’s all there is to it.

[Alpacalia]

[ ] 

Volunteering has many benefits. I would not recommend doing it solely for self-esteem reasons rather as a means of giving back to your community.

Reaching out to others is a worthwhile first step. Connecting with others can sometimes inspire creativity and provide fresh ideas.

Being able to figure out where you belong and what piece of the puzzle you are is your biggest challenge. Life is no regular puzzle either, there are moving parts and you’ll soon discover (if you haven’t already) that there are billions of puzzle pieces who are also trying to find their way home.

Good luck to you!

Edited November 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShyViolet]

You can't "work on yourself" until you do some very deep self-reflection and identify what things about yourself you are unhappy with or that cause you problems in life.  You say that you have low self-esteem but you have no idea why.  You can't work on that low self-esteem until you figure out what is behind it, where it is coming from.  And if you have trouble figuring that out, then therapy would be very helpful.

[mortensorchid]

I think it means to take stock of what you do / don't like about yours and what you want to change about yourself.  It can and does mean something superficial (ex. Your clothes) but it can mean something else too.  Take up a new hobby or sport or cause, find what you do / don't want in life.  Be happy and don't think that you will find it with someone else.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like your work could be developing some inner peace with yourself, within yourself.  You say you have great friendships. Just double check that. I had a lot of acquaintances at times that I thought were friendships. But friendships are deeper. 

Sounds also like you may have some version of depression. Might want to check out therapy--if you can't imagine doing anything else to improve your life. Some people are just prone to bad feelings ... and having a "great life" doesn't prevent that. 

Any chance depression runs in your family?