Are women attracted to three types of men? Is that why I'm single?

[Wolfhart]

As a disadvantaged guy who's had to spend his entire life on the sidelines, I have observed that women are only attracted to three male archetypes:

#1. The prototypical Chad and "Chadlite", a man with genetic advantages, i.e. height, bone structure (broad shoulders, strong jawline), race, low hairline, etc. If a man possesses these physical characteristics, he can afford to be scrawny (although ottermode is preferred) or even out of shape ("dad bod"). He can also get away with being a little shy and socially awkward. A woman will make these allowances because he's hawt and good breeding material.

#2. A dangerous and roguish persona aka "the badboy". Their profile is marked by impulsiveness, high-extraversion, low-agreeableness, low-empathy and hypermasculinity. They are not necessarily goodlooking, although at times they can be unconventionally attractive. They are possessed of superficial charm and excel at manipulating female emotions. Woman from all walks of life are suckers for badboys. They often ignore the red flags and make a calculated risk to date men like this, despite the risk of abusiveness. Of course, women will deny this but what women say they want is at odds with what they truly desire. 

#3. Betabux. A normie with a good job and stable income. Women settle for these guys, particularly later in life when they've been pumped and dumped too many times. Badboys typically don't make for the best providers, after all. The majority of relationships will fall into this category.

A combination of the above would be ideal. That's a woman's ultimate fantasy (e.g. Fifty Shades of Grey) but it's not realistic. For that reason, a woman's tastes will fall into one of the above, depending on her priorities and present situation. If you do not fall into at least one of these categories, you will struggle to ever have a girlfriend. Trust me, I'm living proof.

Edited November 12, 2022 by Wolfhart

[basil67]

Wow, you've been down the incel rabbit hole.

Do you have a question?

[Wolfhart]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Wow, you've been down the incel rabbit hole.

Do you have a question?

I suppose my question is what's the best coping mechanism for this? I don't enjoy leaving my house because I'm constantly reminded me of this reality. Women are always dating the loud, obnoxious punks and thugs, tall goodlooking hunks, or soyboys. It's utterly depressing and demoralising. 

[BrinnM]

45 minutes ago, Wolfhart said:

what's the best coping mechanism for this?

Well, best coping mechanism for this,  if you believe in this categorization, and you can’t be a 1 or a 2 (I’m utterly turned off by a 2 BTW), work your ass off to be a 3. Seems to be the easiest to accomplish. Get a good education, get a good job, work work work and be successful. 

 

46 minutes ago, Wolfhart said:

don't enjoy leaving my house

Pro-Tipp ——-> to become a 3 you’ll have to leave your house at least sometimes, if not regularly  ….. so that might be an issue …… BUT by having a great career, you will also gain confidence which is the most attractive trait IMO (confidence,  especially if combined with kindness; a guy who “does his thing” ———> immediate turn-on)

 

[Wolfhart]

12 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Well, best coping mechanism for this,  if you believe in this categorization, and you can’t be a 1 or a 2 (I’m utterly turned off by a 2 BTW), work your ass off to be a 3. Seems to be the easiest to accomplish. Get a good education, get a good job, work work work and be successful. 

Pro-Tipp ——-> to become a 3 you’ll have to leave your house at least sometimes, if not regularly  ….. so that might be an issue …… BUT by having a great career, you will also gain confidence which is the most attractive trait IMO (confidence,  especially if combined with kindness; a guy who “does his thing” ———> immediate turn-on)

 

It's not exactly desirable to become a #3. In most cases, your partner doesn't even find you physically or romantically attractive, she just thinks you're the best bet at a provider. Also, I think it's somewhat naive to think that hard work is all you need to be a success. A lot of the time it comes down to lucky breaks and knowing the right people. Anyway, I'm well beyond the age of getting a good education. 

Also, no offence, but I'm sceptical when you say you're not impressed with badboys. A LOT of women say this, and A LOT of them end up still dating them.

[BrinnM]

19 minutes ago, Wolfhart said:

A lot of the time it comes down to lucky breaks and knowing the right people

True, but that’s also often an excuse for not trying (hard enough) in the first place.  Which, in turn, makes a person unattractive pretty quickly (both women and men). Many wouldn’t be attracted to a person who makes excuses and throws in the towel before even giving it a serious try & putting in some hard work and motivation; a person who has this attitude of well, I don’t have enough luck anyway and i don’t know people of influence, so I’m not even gonna make an effort because woo is me ……. NOT attractive …… Nobody wants to date an eeyore 

 

26 minutes ago, Wolfhart said:

I'm sceptical when you say you're not impressed with badboys.

Well, I’m literally not impressed. Never have been, never will be. “Bad boys” always remind me of losers with no education who act out because they’re somewhat unhappy with their lives. 
I’d rather date my (relatively boring) neighbor who’s the only male kindergarten teacher in my town (but he’s already taken). [That’s a stretch, I would not date him even if he were single, but if somebody held a gun to my head, and I had to choose between a Harley Davidson dude who thinks he’s the world’s coolest, or a kindergarten teacher who drives a VW or a Toyota, I’d go for the teacher, hands down; plus the bad boys usually suck in the bedroom, speaking from experience]

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Wolfhart said:

I suppose my question is what's the best coping mechanism for this? I don't enjoy leaving my house because I'm constantly reminded me of this reality. Women are always dating the loud, obnoxious punks and thugs, tall goodlooking hunks, or soyboys. It's utterly depressing and demoralising. 

The best coping mechanism is to get your head around the fact that what you say isn't true.  It just feels that way because you're viewing others though a lens of confirmation bias.   That is, you're really only noticing those who act this way and so it confirms your belief.    Go and sit in a cafe or on a bench and watch all the different couple go by.  Be careful to look at ALL of them.  I promise you will see many girls with guys who are all types of ordinary.  

What does your friendship group look like?  Is it mixed gender?  Can you easily talk to the girls?   

Lastly, get off incel sites.  They are just going to make you more miserable.

[ShyViolet]

People don't fit into these oversimplified categories.  Sorry to break it to you.  This is a load of BS.  I'm not sure where you "observed" this but it sounds like you need more real-life experience.

[Mike B.]

I wouldn't get caught up into that  mindset. It can be self-defeating. Women are attracted to who they become attracted. However, there are certain traits that are just general turn-offs. I'm not saying the old hackneyed statement "to just be yourself" because some people have personalities that turn other people off so maybe an individual can use some improvement in a particular area of their personality. With that said, I would say the most important basic thing is to try to avoid being a turnoff and you may just become someone's type. Of course, things can get more complicated  along the way but often times just keeping this in minds helps significantly.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

 I'm not saying the old hackneyed statement "to just be yourself" because some people have personalities that turn other people off so maybe an individual can use some improvement in a particular area of their personality. 

"Be yourself.  No, not like that"

I agree that some introspection is worthwhile. Do you already know why women aren't attracted, or is it a mystery

[mark clemson]

IF it's possible, work on improving your looks. This helps you get a foot in the door with women. However, even if you're very attractive looking, that's all it does.

A lot of the "cues" that women respond to are psychological - IF you can develop an air of confidence, and project with your body language and your attitude (in a positive way) that "I'm a winner" you may be surprised in that women may respond to you more.

Avoid "clinginess" and awkwardness as much as possible. Avoid negativity, particularly negative stereotyping about women and relationships. This is a big red flag to them - the things you write are exactly the kinds of things you DON'T want to be saying around women.

If you are young, keep in mind that things turn around for men after 30 or so.

There's nothing wrong with being a Chad, and nothing wrong with being a "beta provider". So if you can accomplish becoming either one of those, there's a decent chance you'll end up with a woman eventually.

Overall, (speaking generally) women want a man who's a "winner" in some way. Act like a winner and some will probably become interested. You don't have to be a winner in all/every way (no one is), but there needs to be something they can hang their hat on. Even just a positive and respected role in society like being a firefighter/first responder can be enough for many women.

If you're set on taking the black pill, then the way to cope is to find other ways to enjoy your life. But self-improving your way out has worked for many former incels and unlike most things it gets easier as you get older.

Edited November 13, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Wolfhart said:

#1. The prototypical Chad 

#2. A dangerous and roguish persona aka "the badboy". 

#3. Betabux. 

Unfortunately it seems you spend a lot of time reading Incels material and so much so that there's almost a different language  going on with the incels terminology.

Sadly these groups prey on disenfranchised, lonely individuals and cultivate hate and despair through their collective disgruntlement.

Try to join more uplifting and elevated groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some interesting classes and courses. Make some new friends. A new and fresh perspective could help you feel better.

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, Wolfhart said:

It's not exactly desirable to become a #3. In most cases, your partner doesn't even find you physically or romantically attractive, she just thinks you're the best bet at a provider

Now this is where I see a but too much “red pill” logic.

The problem with that logic is that is takes a limited subset of human (female) behaviour and exaggerate it into extremes. Essentially the philosophy makes women into helpless slaves of their hormones.

We’re talking life partnerships. Physical attraction is much more complex than only a person’s looks. If someone is a good person who makes her feel safe, loved and good, she will be into him.

Humour is a good skil: makes her feel good around you.

Kindness makes her feel loved.

Stability and caring make her feel safe.

 

Those factors take a bit of time to establish, which makes them less usable in the phase of initial attraction and first dates. But so many relationships don’t develop on Tinder or in bars; they grow in workplaces, churches, friend groups etc. Settings which give you more time to show your assets.

[glows]

I’m curious where you see yourself if not in any of these three very limited categories. Do you think of yourself as an unattractive nerd? 

Fifty Shades of Grey put me to sleep. Way too predictable and vanilla.

[glows]

9 hours ago, Wolfhart said:

I suppose my question is what's the best coping mechanism for this? I don't enjoy leaving my house because I'm constantly reminded me of this reality. Women are always dating the loud, obnoxious punks and thugs, tall goodlooking hunks, or soyboys. It's utterly depressing and demoralising. 

This may boil down to basic incompatibility. You’re focusing on the wrong women. Adjust your picker and date someone else who has the same interests as you. It doesn’t get much simpler than this.

[ExpatInItaly]

How old are you, OP?

[Wolfhart]

Thank you for all your input so far. I will try to address you all individually:

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

The best coping mechanism is to get your head around the fact that what you say isn't true.  It just feels that way because you're viewing others though a lens of confirmation bias.   That is, you're really only noticing those who act this way and so it confirms your belief.    Go and sit in a cafe or on a bench and watch all the different couple go by.  Be careful to look at ALL of them.  I promise you will see many girls with guys who are all types of ordinary.  

What does your friendship group look like?  Is it mixed gender?  Can you easily talk to the girls?   

Lastly, get off incel sites.  They are just going to make you more miserable.

I'm not suggesting that every single couple in existence conforms exactly to these three archetypes, but it is a good rule of thumb. It's not exactly a controversial take to observe that women prefer to date genetically attractive men or badboy types. Some of the worst characters I've ever encountered were always successful with women.

I have a small circle of male friends. I don't see them much these days as they're in LTRs. Before you ask, one of them is 6'4 and has strong features to compensate for his self-doubting personality, and the other is below average-height but has a secure, well-paid job. He struggled for a long time to find a girlfriend but someone finally gave him a chance (no doubt influenced by his earning potential). 

Btw, I'm not subscribed to any incel websites.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Wolfhart

[Wolfhart]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

People don't fit into these oversimplified categories.  Sorry to break it to you.  This is a load of BS.  I'm not sure where you "observed" this but it sounds like you need more real-life experience.

There's no point trying to gloss over things. Dating & attraction is a dog-eat-dog world. Women can be absolutely cut-throat in whether a man does it for them.

However cynical we think real life might be, it's even worse.

[Wolfhart]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

IF it's possible, work on improving your looks. This helps you get a foot in the door with women. However, even if you're very attractive looking, that's all it does.

A lot of the "cues" that women respond to are psychological - IF you can develop an air of confidence, and project with your body language and your attitude (in a positive way) that "I'm a winner" you may be surprised in that women may respond to you more.

Avoid "clinginess" and awkwardness as much as possible. Avoid negativity, particularly negative stereotyping about women and relationships. This is a big red flag to them - the things you write are exactly the kinds of things you DON'T want to be saying around women.

If you are young, keep in mind that things turn around for men after 30 or so.

There's nothing wrong with being a Chad, and nothing wrong with being a "beta provider". So if you can accomplish becoming either one of those, there's a decent chance you'll end up with a woman eventually.

Overall, (speaking generally) women want a man who's a "winner" in some way. Act like a winner and some will probably become interested. You don't have to be a winner in all/every way (no one is), but there needs to be something they can hang their hat on. Even just a positive and respected role in society like being a firefighter/first responder can be enough for many women.

If you're set on taking the black pill, then the way to cope is to find other ways to enjoy your life. But self-improving your way out has worked for many former incels and unlike most things it gets easier as you get older.

I've already gone down the "looksmaxxing" route. I spent a lot of time, money and effort trying to improve my appearance as reasonably practicable. 

Do you wanna know how many girlfriends or female interest I've had since then? ...Zero. 

You can't fight genetics. 

I'm not sure there is any consolation here. I don't think it's possible to enjoy life without a partner. Not for me, anyway. It's a lonely road, and whatever substitutes we try to come up with simply don't fill the void. I have honestly considered punching out early rather than subject myself to this any longer.

[Wolfhart]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems you spend a lot of time reading Incels material and so much so that there's almost a different language  going on with the incels terminology.

Sadly these groups prey on disenfranchised, lonely individuals and cultivate hate and despair through their collective disgruntlement.

Try to join more uplifting and elevated groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some interesting classes and courses. Make some new friends. A new and fresh perspective could help you feel better.

It might surprise you to learn that I do not spend my days reading incel-based literature. I already figured this out for myself, I simply borrow the terminology for the purposes of delineation and classification. 

Again, what exactly is controversial about what I've said? Are you going to deny that genetics are a determining factor when it comes to sexual selection? Are you going to deny that women are not historically attracted to badboys? 

Edited November 13, 2022 by Wolfhart

[Wolfhart]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

Now this is where I see a but too much “red pill” logic.

The problem with that logic is that is takes a limited subset of human (female) behaviour and exaggerate it into extremes. Essentially the philosophy makes women into helpless slaves of their hormones.

We’re talking life partnerships. Physical attraction is much more complex than only a person’s looks. If someone is a good person who makes her feel safe, loved and good, she will be into him.

Humour is a good skil: makes her feel good around you.

Kindness makes her feel loved.

Stability and caring make her feel safe.

 

Those factors take a bit of time to establish, which makes them less usable in the phase of initial attraction and first dates. But so many relationships don’t develop on Tinder or in bars; they grow in workplaces, churches, friend groups etc. Settings which give you more time to show your assets.

When women are looking for a provider, they will obviously prioritise if a man is kind, supportive, generous, etc. This is more of an utilitarian consideration. While a woman is more sexually attracted to a man with "badboy" personality traits, these men don't tend to make good providers. Therefore, she will often turn to a guy who's more passive, humble and loyal, not because it turns her on, but because he's settling down material.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Wolfhart

[Wolfhart]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I’m curious where you see yourself if not in any of these three very limited categories. Do you think of yourself as an unattractive nerd? 

Fifty Shades of Grey put me to sleep. Way too predictable and vanilla.

I am pretty nerdy (not in a good way) and unconventional. Physically ungainly, introverted and socially awkward. Too self-aware of my own insecurities.

There may have been a point where I could've avoided this path but it's well beyond that now. There is no way back once you're into your 30s.

It won't end well, let's just put it that way.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Wolfhart

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Wolfhart said:

It won't end well, let's just put it that way.

What do you mean by this?

[Wolfhart]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you mean by this?

If life is this miserable and worthless, what's the use prolonging the agony?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would advise you to seek professional help immediately. 

Suicidal ideation is not something this forum can help you with, but there are appropriate resources within reach for you. This is clearly not really about what women find attractive.