Big age difference

[Perlot]

Hello everyone,

Looking for advice/perspectives... I have recently come out of an abusive, long term marriage.  I have kind of climbed out of the wreckage of it in a pretty sorry state.  I was feeling terrible, low, lovely, and like no-one would ever like me again.  But then I met a young lady who I instantly clicked with, and we have started dating.  The problem is that she is significantly younger than me, like, 20+ years.  to be clear, we are both adults - she is 22....  It is not serious, just fun for now, but it has caused problems with my family.  My daughter has completely cut ties with me.  

So my question is, am I doing something wrong?  Should I stop the relationship?  I feel that my daughter's reaction is totally understandable, but should I end the relationship because of it?

Opinions, comments welcome.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Perlot said:

I met a young lady who I instantly clicked with, and we have started dating.  The problem is that she is significantly younger than me, like, 20+ years.  to be clear, we are both adults - she is 22....  It is not serious, just fun for now, but it has caused problems with my family.  My daughter has completely cut ties with me.  

It's your first fling since divorcing. It may not last. You'll have to weigh the positives with the negatives. Is a rift with your daughter, family and friends worth it?

[glows]

How old is your daughter? 

Have you separated from your spouse or are you still living together? Have you divorced your ex? 

Your family including your daughter may be concerned - you filling a void and out of desperation and loneliness. I know what that feels like. Slow down if you’re not sure about what you’re doing. Most people value their family relationships. 

[Perlot]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's your first fling since divorcing. It may not last. You'll have to weigh the positives with the negatives. Is a rift with your daughter, family and friends worth it?

Thanks for this... it's a good point.  My mental health is not good at the moment, and I feel like I can't really trust my decisions....  right now, I feel like it is worth it.  I feel like my family is just expecting me to sit in a corner and not do anything, just be lonely.  

[Perlot]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

How old is your daughter? 

Have you separated from your spouse or are you still living together? Have you divorced your ex? 

Your family including your daughter may be concerned - you filling a void and out of desperation and loneliness. I know what that feels like. Slow down if you’re not sure about what you’re doing. Most people value their family relationships. 

we are separated, but it is very much.. divorce is just a piece of paper we haven't got sorted it out yet. Yes, that is a problem... my daughter is 23 i.e. one year older than her.  I do hear what you are saying, and I find it hard to trust my own mind at the moment.  All I keep coming back to is that she is making me happy.  My family don't bother with me, it's not like my daughter was round here every five minutes checking I am OK.  I feel like they just expected me to freeze in time.. just sit here being lonely and not moving on...

Edited November 12, 2022 by Perlot

[glows]

That piece of paper is a legal document severing the ties with your ex-wife and declaring what your obligations are in the outcome of the divorce. It is not just a piece of paper. And no one can make you happy. You make your own happiness. Again,  depending on someone else to help you through something is filling that void, a distraction. 

Dating her is up to you. You were recently in an abusive marriage and may fall into the same patterns getting used and abused. Already you believe the younger gf is making you feel happy. Be a bit more discerning about the company and use your head when making decisions. This isn’t anyone else’s life but yours. I doubt anyone expects you to be alone or frozen in time.

Moving on does not always mean getting into new relationships. There are other doors available.

Have you thought about counselling instead of jumping straight into a relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Perlot said:

  I feel like my family is just expecting me to sit in a corner and not do anything, just be lonely.  

They seem to want to protect you from jumping from the frying pan to the fire and making series of poor decisions.  Dating to boost your ego is short-lived and then you'll be in a cycle of going from bad to worse. No one wants you to rot in a corner but they do seem objectively aware of the peril you are facing.

[Perlot]

53 minutes ago, glows said:

That piece of paper is a legal document severing the ties with your ex-wife and declaring what your obligations are in the outcome of the divorce. It is not just a piece of paper. And no one can make you happy. You make your own happiness. Again,  depending on someone else to help you through something is filling that void, a distraction. 

Dating her is up to you. You were recently in an abusive marriage and may fall into the same patterns getting used and abused. Already you believe the younger gf is making you feel happy. Be a bit more discerning about the company and use your head when making decisions. This isn’t anyone else’s life but yours. I doubt anyone expects you to be alone or frozen in time.

Moving on does not always mean getting into new relationships. There are other doors available.

Have you thought about counselling instead of jumping straight into a relationship? 

Hi, thanks for this... all stuff to think about... I am in therapy as well, yes... I am trying really hard not to the make this a relationship.. it's just a few dates, dinner, bowling, that kind of thing... but you know how these things can develop...

[ShyViolet]

There is nothing inherently wrong with it as long as you are both adults.  You need to live your life for yourself.  

All you've really told us about this new woman is her age.  Is she a good person, is she mature for her age, do you have a lot in common, etc?  These things matter.  At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy and your family shouldn't get to dictate who you date.  

If your daughter has cut ties with you I'm guessing there is more to it than this.  She must be upset with you about the divorce or about other things, and maybe this was just the last straw for her.  

[Perlot]

43 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There is nothing inherently wrong with it as long as you are both adults.  You need to live your life for yourself.  

All you've really told us about this new woman is her age.  Is she a good person, is she mature for her age, do you have a lot in common, etc?  These things matter.  At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy and your family shouldn't get to dictate who you date.  

If your daughter has cut ties with you I'm guessing there is more to it than this.  She must be upset with you about the divorce or about other things, and maybe this was just the last straw for her.  

This is all exactly how I feel.  I have noticed her pulling away for some time now, and it seems like this was the last straw.  my new girlfriend is indeed very mature - she runs her own business - and very capable, not childish at all.  We have an awful lot in common, we like a lot of the same things and have a lot of the same outlooks in life.

Thank you very much for this, this is the best post I have seen and makes me feel a lot better.  thank you

[Stret]

It is your life and your choice whom you date. Your family is not being supportive and your daughter is acting selfishly and a bit bratty. If the only issue is her age, then there is no issue. 

Someone that brings joy into your life should be welcomed even if it is not going to last. She is a person and a human being too, so everyone should treat her as one. Rejecting her and cutting ties with you because she is 22 is ridiculous. Be happy. Don't live to fulfil expectations of others and fulfil roles that others selfishly expect of you without regard to your feelings. 

[mark clemson]

Speaking generally, there's a balance one has to walk between:

- Not living one's life according to OTHER people's opinions   vs.

- How strongly particular other people and their opinion may impact you (e.g your daughter in your case).

There isn't always an easy answer, unfortunately.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Perlot said:

we are separated, but it is very much.. divorce is just a piece of paper we haven't got sorted it out yet. 

Are you sure it's the age or just the unpreparedness and impulsivity of the situation? Maybe they don't want you to get hurt. Because this is temporary and a rebound and when it's over you'll just compound your distress.

[Els]

It sounds like your daughter is upset because you are dating someone else while married to her mother. And her grievances are very legitimate.

If you are ACTUALLY divorced, then you should do what you think is best. Large age gap relationships rarely last, but presumably neither you nor the girl are looking to the long term anyway, so that's not necessarily a problem. But in this case, dating while recently separated and not even divorced yet, your daughter is absolutely right to be angry at you.

[basil67]

I can see everyone's position in this.   You've found a fresh start and a bit of fun with a pleasant, mature young woman.  The woman you're dating is probably appreciating a bit of maturity in you.  But your daughter is quite understandably finding this whole situation weird and is possibly a creeped out.

Does your daughter get on well with her mother?

 

[Weezy1973]

[ ] If you’ve been separated awhile I suspect your daughter is empathizing with her mom / your ex and can imagine how it would feel if an ex started dating a much younger woman after splitting up. Of course your ex probably doesn’t care in the least, but your daughter might not understand.

Date whoever you like. As long as the  new woman knows you’re still married and you’re not lying to her, it’s all good.

Edited November 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote and rebuttal

[Lotsgoingon]

The opposite of not taking this woman--or taking a pause from dating--is NOT loneliness. There's your mistake right there. Dating or hanging out with people can be great for connecting with others. Can be. But some of the loneliest people in the world are in relationships and surrounded by friends.

That's because loneliness isn't just a numbers function. It's also a function of how you go about your life. So question: where are you friends? 

My fear is that you are merely in a fantasy rebound with the 22 year-old. And coming out of marriage, I do not think you can really trust yourself to know how to date a 22 year-old in a healthy way. Especially since you think the opposite of dating is loneliness.