not sure what to do

[staygolden80]

I met a man earlier this year on a dating app. He said he has kids and is divorced. The subject of marriage/divorce is important to me, so I asked him how long he's been divorced. (It's important to me because I respect the sanctity of marriage and if someone is divorced, I want to know how long as it may lead to emotional unavailability, rebound,etc.). He said officially one year, then said it's important to know the full story of someone you'd be dating. Two months later we finally agreed to meet for a date and within a month he asked me to be exclusive. We travelled together, I paid for everything, and I fell deeply in love with this person. Everything seemed to be on cloud 9 (minus the fact that I was paying for everything) and things began to get serious. He started asking me about marriage and living together, plans for the future, etc. Then asked me to meet his children to which I agreed. I also have kids so I thought this was a good step. At one point I thought perhaps the relationship was moving VERY fast for me and I checked in with him about it. When we talked about it I thought we were on the same page - I mean we're in love right? After the second time meeting his kids, we began to have problems in the relationship. On one occasion his youngest son told me that he has another girlfriend. When I asked him about it, he said it was someone he dated earlier this year (before me he claimed) and he stopped talking to her because she was weird. The following week, the same child asked me if I was sleeping in his dad's bed because when the babysitter comes over, she does. 

I had a hunch during our relationship before this incident, call it a gut instinct, that something wasn't right because of the way things seemed to be so fresh with the mom. We had also had one pretty heated debate over text when he began saying really terrible things about this person; it just didn't seem like things were adding up. In another conversation he had with the mom he told me that he was worked up because she asked him who are all these women he's bringing in front of the kids. There are other observations I made but I won't go into detail - I had reached a conclusion that I was being lied to and seriously questioned if I was being cheated on or manipulated.

He was pressuring me at the time to buy a house and move in together. I felt like I had reached a place in our relationship where I needed to know who I was dealing with before I made any further decisions. On a side note, most people in the online dating world freely run background checks on people all the time, and in this relationship I decided early on that I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Between the very fast I love yous, pressure to live together, fact that I was paying for everything, and comments from his kids/ex, I personally decided to hire a private investigator. The results nearly tore me apart. While all of this is going on, he says that he was invited to dinner at a married couples house and said he'd invite me but he knows I have other plans. To see what he would say, I asked to go. He said ok, let me ask. The next day he tells me that his friends told him no. This was very bizarre for me because I couldn't comprehend this answer. What man gets invited to a married couples home for dinner as a third wheel and his girlfriend is directly not invited? The story he provided about this was so detailed and far fetched it seemed impossible to be real. 

I decided to ask for a break in the relationship and instead of honoring the break when asked, he broke up with me. His basis for breaking up with me was that I was accusing him of cheating and lying to me. However, every time these issues came up, his story changed so much that I had to start keeping a note open in my phone. And each time, the tables were turned around on me, I was blamed, and he never took responsibility for his actions. I began to doubt his intentions and all of this led to me not being able to trust him.

It turned out he was married multiple times and is not officially divorced. And that's not all it revealed. At this point, I wasn't just in total shock, I felt like someone pulled me off cloud 9 and my reality had a full blown shake down. I was not myself for days after this happened. 

I was blamed for him lying to me about his divorce. I was blamed for my perception about his sons comments. He really fought with me over my perception and would become angry and defensive because I felt like he was distorting the facts. The woman in the first scenario, her profession changed three times. 

I feel like I am losing my mind - or better yet, lost it. He wants me to believe that he hasn't done anything wrong, I should forgive him for lying about the divorce and move on from it like it's not a problem. He also doesn't see how I could or would accuse him of cheating based on all of the information received..he's gone as far as saying his children don't know what they're talking about. But then again, he calls his ex a narcissist and name calls her terrible things so...

I'm hoping some community feedback may point me in a helpful direction. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[Alvi]

What exactly is your question? This guy is still married. He lies to you and blames you for his lies. And apparently he dates  multiple women at the same time, even his kids' babysitter. Oh, but you say that he broke up with you already. So, are you still together? He sounds like a sociopath. What to do? Stay broken up and consider yourself lucky that this poor excuse of a human being is no longer in your life. Block him on absolutely everything. Don't listen to his lies, manipulations, excuses, gaslighting. If he ever reappears (and let's be honest, he might) block him again. Get some therapy to find out why you became attracted to this "winner" in a first place.

15 minutes ago, staygolden80 said:

I was blamed for him lying to me about his divorce. I was blamed for my perception about his sons comments. He really fought with me over my perception and would become angry and defensive because I felt like he was distorting the facts. The woman in the first scenario, her profession changed three times. 

OK, whatever. Block him. Over and done with. Sure, it is going to hurt but what do you think is the alternative here?

May I ask why you chose to pay for the vacation all by yourself? I am sure it was a great vacation for him (not so much for you no matter what you claim here) because he didn't have to spend a dime on it. You should've went either by yourself or with your kids or relatives.

 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm curious.   Why did you pay for everything since your early days of dating?  One would think that that was a big red flag in itself.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, staygolden80 said:

I'm hoping some community feedback may point me in a helpful direction.

Seriously, what direction do you want us to point you toward? You have more than enough information to walk away from this guy and never speak to him again. Do you really need strangers on the internet to confirm this for you? Good gracious…