How many hugs are too many for a first date?

[lavenderandvelvet]

TL;DR: Slow to commit guy, who prioritizes sexual compatibility seemed awfully affectionate (in a PG way) during first date. I’m confused. 

I am absolutely puzzled by a recent first date I had. What is your read on this situation?

I recently had a first date with a match from online dating. It was a bit of a slow start. A few texts here and there. Similar outlook on relationships. I was cautiously optimistic - just because we seemed to have similar vibes. 

During our texts he hinted about not wanted to rush into commitment - this for me a not an issue. I am looking for the right fit, and do not actually attach quickly. I’m more easy come easy go. 

So after a few more days he plans an outing. Dinner + live music. Of course it is a risk to have a planned long first outing, but he seems social. I’m social. So hopefully it’ll be fun. 

Dinner is good. We talked about a lot of things. Shared some tapas. He hints around that he prioritizes attraction and sexual compatibility early. And we all know what that means. Note: Sex for me is not something that drives attachment. I am more about intellectual compatibility and it takes time for me to get there so I don’t have any firm preferences on how early to have sex. Sometimes I wait. Sometimes I don’t. No rhyme or reason. 

We also talked about needing space and having separate interests, and I am like yay he won’t be possessive.  And we are aligned on this.

Dinner was a success so we move on to the next stop, a bar, for music. He is still buying # drinks. Cover charge. It is a bit loud so the conversation slows and we are singing along to the band.

At various points during the evening one of us leans in to talk. He is 6-7 inches taller than I am so I have to grab his shoulder and reach up to whisper in his ear.  We are cracking up and people watching. We talk about why we swiped right. Low key stuff. We also chat up other bar patrons.  

At some point in all these mini chats, he decides to grab me to pull me in for a hug. This is fine. I am an affectionate person. Things feel comfortable and safe. I return the hugs. Some are shorter. Some are longer. Some are really close. Some are really long and are more suited to a cuddling session. This happens easily a dozen times throughout the evening. Each hug is PG and stays waist and up, he doesn’t try to make anymore moves beyond a tight squeeze and eye contact.

Our new bar friends are like “you guys are adorable, I hope it all works out for you.”

As it starts getting late, I am getting sleepy and it is one am. I am like hey, I have to go. He is like ok I’ll walk you to your car. So we walk to the parking garage. He gives me hug. I pay for my ticket and he grabs me again for another longer, closer hug. And we say bye!

I get home, tell him home safe, I had fun, and we should do it again. He replies me too. And of course goes dark. As far as I am concerned he has the ball, but if I am planning something up his alley I might reach out. Whatever happens will happen.

What felt so unusual about this date to me, is in the past I haven’t found the ones who are slow to commit but faster to test sexual chemistry lead with cozy couple-y affection. And this has me so confused. What do you all think?

Edited November 10, 2022 by lavenderandvelvet

[ccas93]

I am a guy who is slower to commit but doesn't have a timeline on when sex should happen, as in I don't mind testing sexual compatibility early. That does not mean I am going to push for sex early on. I'd enjoy some hugs to until the vibe is right.

[basil67]

Sounds like a lot of fun

I'm not really sure what your question is, but 'he went dark' caught my eye.  How many days has he been out of contact for?

[Ami1uwant]

When you talk hug are you referring to arm around you side hug?

[glows]

34 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

What felt so unusual about this date to me, is in the past I haven’t found the ones who are slow to commit but faster to test sexual chemistry lead with cozy couple-y affection.

I think you’re taking the slow to commit too literally. People say this and that about what they want early on but it doesn’t mean it’s with you or the dynamic you have isn’t what they’re looking for past a date or three. This was only one date so see how it goes. 

I am also curious how long it’s been since you saw him and if he’s said anything else after that? If someone is into you, you’ll know right away you’re seeing them again that night when he asks you out again or over the next couple of days.

[lavenderandvelvet]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like a lot of fun

I'm not really sure what your question is, but 'he went dark' caught my eye.  How many days has he been out of contact for?

Oh like 1.5 days. I mean not a real amount of time but he seemed off and on with the texts. A flurry. Then nothing. 

12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

When you talk hug are you referring to arm around you side hug?

Full frontal contact hug. No side hugs. Which is why I deemed it “couple-y.”  Especially when you are like let me make sure it would have been too close for a chaperoned high school dance. 

[lavenderandvelvet]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you’re taking the slow to commit too literally. People say this and that about what they want early on but it doesn’t mean it’s with you or the dynamic you have isn’t what they’re looking for past a date or three. This was only one date so see how it goes. 

I am also curious how long it’s been since you saw him and if he’s said anything else after that? If someone is into you, you’ll know right away you’re seeing them again that night when he asks you out again or over the next couple of days.

Just a note confirming he had fun too. I’ll write him off if he doesn’t get in touch by EOW. But it seemed like a mutual good time and connection to me. 

[glows]

Good idea. I hope he reaches out.

[lavenderandvelvet]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Good idea. I hope he reaches out.

Me too! It is rare I feel that comfortable on a first date. Particularly considering it was with an online rando and not someone that I had met IRL beforehand. 
 

i might ping him about Black Panther as we both had plans to see it over the weekend and had an in depth convo on it. 

Edited November 10, 2022 by lavenderandvelvet

[glows]

Ping him to invite him to see the movie with you? He said he has plans so see if he hasn’t already made plans with someone else or other people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong about messaging him first.

Try not to rush this too. You don’t have to see him this week/weekend either. Instead of writing someone off, see what other matches you have. Let go of the need to hear back within a certain time. It’s ok to just move on to the next match without thinking too much or decisioning anything about this guy.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

During our texts he hinted about not wanted to rush into commitment  He hints around that he prioritizes attraction and sexual compatibility early. 

It depends on what you want to see happening with him. So far he's been crystal clear that he's looking for non-committal sex. If you are interested that's fine, but he is telling you upfront, that this is all he's after.

[Alpacalia]

As far as he is concerned, he does not want to hurry into committing but wants to establish attraction and sexual compatibility as early as possible. 

5 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

During our texts he hinted about not wanted to rush into commitment - this for me a not an issue. I am looking for the right fit, and do not actually attach quickly. I’m more easy come easy go. 

So after a few more days he plans an outing. Dinner + live music. Of course it is a risk to have a planned long first outing, but he seems social. I’m social. So hopefully it’ll be fun. 

Dinner is good. We talked about a lot of things. Shared some tapas. He hints around that he prioritizes attraction and sexual compatibility early. And we all know what that means.

Edited November 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like a lot of fun

I'm not really sure what your question is, but 'he went dark' caught my eye.  How many days has he been out of contact for?

I'm also confused by what you mean by "commit" here.  You said in your original post that he said he was slow to commit and you were find with that.  What is the problem exactly?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

he hinted about not wanted to rush into commitment . He hints around that he prioritizes attraction and sexual compatibility early.. He replies me too. And of course goes dark.

By "commitment" he means he doesn't want a GF, just sex. Try not to reach out unless he does, if he "went dark".

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

I get home, tell him home safe, I had fun, and we should do it again. He replies me too.  And of course goes dark..

I'm curious why you said "of course" he goes dark? 

Were you expecting him to go dark, has that been your typical experience after a great date? 

Maybe I took that comment too literally, but in any event, I would not reach out to him, the ball is clearly in HIS court.

You expressed interest in getting together again and frankly I found his two-word response "me too" a bit lackluster.

I have no idea what his game was or is but at first blush, given how he mentioned no commitment BUT he values attraction and sex suggests he was hoping all the hugs would lead to sex that night.

It didn't so he's moving on.  Unless YOU initiate, chase.  And sex is in the cards.  

Just my take, I could be wrong. 

I would not reach out and would continue chatting with and meeting others men.

If/when he reaches out, see how you feel then.

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment, frustration and confusion later.

 

Edited November 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

We can't read his mind. The possibilities are endless in why or what. Doesn't matter if he hugged you or shook hands, what matters is if he contacts you again. If not oh well, onwards upwards. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmmm ... interesting: you were thinking that sexually aggressive guys (slow to commitment) aren't into hugging? And aren't into hugging that borders on cuddling?

And this guy engaged in appropriate hugging--so that confuses you? Had he tried to touch you somewhere else too soon, that would have seemed more consistent with his profile?

BTW: I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm truly asking. This is fascinating, forcing me to REALLY think.

 

[lavenderandvelvet]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious why you said "of course" he goes dark? 

Were you expecting him to go dark, has that been your typical experience after a great date? 

Maybe I took that comment too literally, but in any event, I would not reach out to him, the ball is clearly in HIS court.

You expressed interest in getting together again and frankly I found his two-word response "me too" a bit lackluster.

I have no idea what his game was or is but at first blush, given how he mentioned no commitment BUT he values attraction and sex suggests he was hoping all the hugs would lead to sex that night.

It didn't so he's moving on.  Unless YOU initiate, chase.  And sex is in the cards.  

Just my take, I could be wrong. 

I would not reach out and would continue chatting with and meeting others men.

If/when he reaches out, see how you feel then.

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment, frustration and confusion later.

 

My read on him is that it is important for him to seem cool and detached. For whatever reason. But he acted like a softy and feels a little weird about it. So he has to go back to having cool and detached vibes.  Which is how the pre-date texting convoys played out. A few short sentences.  Then a gap, then a whirlwind of texts.  Then bowing out of the convo. But clearly paying attention to the details.

 

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It depends on what you want to see happening with him. So far he's been crystal clear that he's looking for non-committal sex. If you are interested that's fine, but he is telling you upfront, that this is all he's after.

He wasn’t only looking for non-commits sex. Sex before commitment. I’m looking for fun, good fit, then commitment. And am happy to continue having fun while sorting out fit. 

11 hours ago, glows said:

Ping him to invite him to see the movie with you? He said he has plans so see if he hasn’t already made plans with someone else or other people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong about messaging him first.

We both have pre-existing plans and groups for the movie. But based on our convo I am very curious on what his reaction will be. Strictly at a “friendly” level. It is equally easy to see being good friends with him. 

[ShyViolet]

As long as the hugs were mutually enjoyable, and didn't creep you out or anything, then I don't see what the problem is.  This sounds normal for a first date.

It feels like you are over-analyzing things a bit.

[lavenderandvelvet]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Hmmmm ... interesting: you were thinking that sexually aggressive guys (slow to commitment) aren't into hugging? And aren't into hugging that borders on cuddling?

And this guy engaged in appropriate hugging--so that confuses you? Had he tried to touch you somewhere else too soon, that would have seemed more consistent with his profile?

BTW: I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm truly asking. This is fascinating, forcing me to REALLY think.

 

Yes! Roughly. Sexually aggressive guys really lean into making it clear they do want any affection to lead to sex and are testing the waters more. 

 

What I have found in the past, the guys who are ready to have sex sooner tend to do a couple of things.

 

Ok i will start with the ones who literally really just to have sex, and are not looking for a regular and consistent sex partner. Initial conversations will be quick to leading to a meet up. During the meet up they will try to talk a little bit about sex and get a bit more flirty and use more specific language around it. They might mention specifically sexual compatibility, and use those words. This doesn’t mean they won’t have a conversation, but they won’t share anything particularly personal. Just some basics about hometowns and won’t pay that much attention to what you are saying, in terms of the details. During the date they are going to work on testing the waters with touch like guiding you via lower back through a walkway and stuff. At the end of a date they are going to give you a hug and see if they can push things a little further. Make out session, caressing your arm or something. PG-13 contact. They will aim to invite you over at the end of the date or meet, try to get you to a private place, go on a walk or something so they can make moves. These types aren’t really trying to hold hands or cuddle, or offer up any sort of affection that is not leading to sex.

 

 

The second bucket are the ones looking for a regular sex partner. Maybe a friend with benefits or f-buddy. Like the person above i have found them to be more apt to ask about sex, sexual preferences and what not early. And even more explicitly. They want to flirt a bit more about sex. Their compliments will be a bit more related your physical features. They are going to be fine using the word sex directly. Vs the first type they will definitely try to get to know you a bit more and ask more questions about you as a person and your sexual preferences/what turns you on. They will probably do similar touch escalation to the person above, but will make an effort to get to know you.

 

And then of course let’s just person who is looking for a relationship more specifically. You’ll have conversations on a wide range of topic, including preferences. They may mention something about sex in passing. I find the more “serious” ones do not want to use the word sexual too early in fear of coming off as too forward and only looking for sex. So they will like use language like “physical compatibility” and “chemistry.” It might even be clear they are actively avoiding using a form of the word sex even if it is more suitable. They will of course talk about a myriad of things and maybe show a bit of vulnerability. Unless there is some obvious reason to talk about sexual preferences and it comes up in conversation naturally - they probably won’t lead with it or dive too deep. Maybe talk about safe sec practices or something more clinical. If the mood and time is right - they will probably try to make a more clear move for a kiss or something. 

 

So what makes this particular date a bit all over the place in terms of signals. 

 

So while mentioned “physical compatibility” he purposely avoided using the phrase sexual compatibility (I saw that look if you will of shifting mid-stream to choose his words wisely). 

I will fully admit to being a touchy feely person and it is something I have had to really learn to deploy carefully because while I may have no sexual intentions - it can absolutely be taken wrong by the opposite sex. 

So based on his behavior it is a little fuzzy, he didn’t seem like the sort of person who wants women to make the first move. And he also didn’t try to escalate. But he was very physical in ways that feel more emotionally intimate over foreplay to precursor to sex. 

Of course I have experienced more cuddling and what not after sex. Or before sex in private contexts. And affectionate men doing side hugs early on and what not. But I haven’t experienced a lot of hugs early on, without escalation. Or even just a lot period prior to some sort of “relationship.”

[glows]

Has he responded? 

[Lotsgoingon]

I get you, sister.

I don't think your reading (or confusion over how to read) all the hugging is odd. I think you're onto something.

Now, was the hugging really comfortable to you. Some of the best dates I've ever been on were dates that involved a lot of hugging. Couldn't predict this ahead of time at all. 

Was the hugging TOTALLY comfortable for you? Not just "OK" but pleasant and wonderful? If not, keep your distance. 

[Gaeta]

Typical man looking for sex. They're not hugs, it's his way to feel & press your body against his. 

I got that so often, has nothing to do with being affectionnate.

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure what you're not getting.

He mentioned he is not particularly in the market for a girlfriend but prefers to establish sexual compatibility early.

He was overly affectionate on your date and then backed off after your date.

17 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

As far as he is concerned, he does not want to hurry into committing but wants to establish attraction and sexual compatibility as early as possible. 

 

22 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

During our texts he hinted about not wanted to rush into commitment - this for me a not an issue. I am looking for the right fit, and do not actually attach quickly. I’m more easy come easy go. 

So after a few more days he plans an outing. Dinner + live music. Of course it is a risk to have a planned long first outing, but he seems social. I’m social. So hopefully it’ll be fun. 

Dinner is good. We talked about a lot of things. Shared some tapas. He hints around that he prioritizes attraction and sexual compatibility early. And we all know what that means.

 

Edited November 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would be pretty turned off by all those hugs. It’s too much for a first date, IMHO. But, if you were ok with it, that’s your call.