Annoyed by boyfriend making stupid comments

[lillylola]

Hi everyone,

 

So, my boyfriend is usually sweet, reliable and kind of nerdy. What annoys me is that, from the start, he made some comments that, in my viewpoint, are sexist and also totally irrelevant and even kind of disrespectful to me. 

 

To make an example: when there was a female artist singing in a smallsized outfit he mentioned this 'making him feel hot'  twice, on different occasions. 

Then, when we watched a show where some ladies walked in bikini at a beach, he said 'wow, that looks hot'. 

And yesterday, we were watching Lalaland and there's this scene where the actress stands in an elevator with 2 other redheaded ladies. He then said '3 redheads together in an elevator, man, thats every man's dream'. I looked at him askingly and asked 'oh, you think redheads are attractive or something?' He said 'yeah, i do'. I then laughed at him and said 'its so cute how you just transform back into puberty sometimes' He then asked 'why, are you jealous?'  Which no, I'm not, but I'm bothered by the lack of respect towards me and I dont understand why he needs to mention it.

 

I dont know why but its starting to annoy me. He's a grownup man, I really, really dont care about him finding other women attractive. But I think its really unnecessary to just blurt this out to me, I'm not a female buddy, I'm his GF. Thats not what i like to see in my growup boyfriend, its not how i want to be treated. I told him this. He was shocked, 'baffled', and said he never realised that it bothered me. Said he felt attacked, lonely and sad and had to cry. Than went on saying that he just assumed we had a relationship in which it was ok to share these things with each other, that he never meant to hurt me. 

 

I asked him why on earth he thaught it was interesting for me to know about all the women he found atrractive and he said 'I dont know, I never really thought about it. Actually, im not even bothered by that stuff and i dont look at women that way.'.

 

We then ended our convo. Now its ok but im still wondering: how would you react if your boyfriend made these comments?

Edited November 9, 2022 by lillylola

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, lillylola said:

He's a grownup man...

He's actually not though.   He's a little boy in a grown up man's body, like Tom Hanks in the movie "Big."  

50 minutes ago, lillylola said:

I asked him why on earth he thought it was interesting for me to know about all the women he found attractive and he said 'I don't know, I never really thought about it.

He's socially inept that's why.

Look, it's YOUR choice to continue dating this bozo.   I dated a man who would make the same lame remarks about random women.

When I ended it I told him I often felt more like a "frat buddy" than a girlfriend for those very reasons.  Bye.  He looked at me like I had two heads, but I didn't care.

You can't fix socially inept.  You can only walk away and find a more mature, respectful man who knows how to treat a woman he loves and cares about.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Edited November 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Well, he won't do it again. You should have spoken earlier.

How old is he? And how long you've been dating?

[BaileyB]

You got your boyfriend to watch LaLaLand with you??!! That is true love…

In all seriousness, my boyfriend and I comment on people/actors that we find attractive all the time. It’s a bit of a joke between us - like the Friends episode with the list. It’s said in humour, more than anything else. So, these kind of comments wouldn’t bother me very much. 

That said, you’ve told him that it bothers you so hopefully he will be more considerate of your feelings in the future and tone it down…

Edited November 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Hands up those of us who've never been known to have a habit of doing/saying a certain thing without having thought it through   *crickets*    

I've certainly done it (more than once) and I was fortunate enough to have had it pointed out to me.  And then I realise that I've been thoughtless, get mortified and I stop doing it - and thankfully my partner is good enough to not speak of it again. 

You did the right thing in pointing it out, and judging by his response he's probably learned that it's something that you don't appreciate and he will stop.  But I can't outright judge him for it because like @BaileyB , it wouldn't have bothered me either....because we also have a dialogue about people in movies.  If he's been dating women like us, how was he to know it was an issue for you?  

Just one bit of advice for this and future relationships: his reaction of feeling attacked was because you attacked him.  Saying "I then laughed at him and said 'its so cute how you just transform back into puberty sometimes" is not an ideal way to solve issues.   You may have tried to disguise it with a laugh, but we all know that it was an insult.   Had you said, "John, when I hear comments about other women being sexy, it makes me feel xxxx", he would have reacted in a much more compassionate way.  

Anyway, I hope that you sleep it off and he's more careful in future.

Edited November 10, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

You have spoken up. See if he stops. 

He sounds immature. How old is he?  If he doesn't let up now that you have said something, you need to re-evaluate if this is guy for you. 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, lillylola said:

Hi everyone,

 

So, my boyfriend is usually sweet, reliable and kind of nerdy. What annoys me is that, from the start, he made some comments that, in my viewpoint, are sexist and also totally irrelevant and even kind of disrespectful to me. 

 

To make an example: when there was a female artist singing in a smallsized outfit he mentioned this 'making him feel hot'  twice, on different occasions. 

Then, when we watched a show where some ladies walked in bikini at a beach, he said 'wow, that looks hot'. 

And yesterday, we were watching Lalaland and there's this scene where the actress stands in an elevator with 2 other redheaded ladies. He then said '3 redheads together in an elevator, man, thats every man's dream'. I looked at him askingly and asked 'oh, you think redheads are attractive or something?' He said 'yeah, i do'. I then laughed at him and said 'its so cute how you just transform back into puberty sometimes' He then asked 'why, are you jealous?'  Which no, I'm not, but I'm bothered by the lack of respect towards me and I dont understand why he needs to mention it.

 

I dont know why but its starting to annoy me. He's a grownup man, I really, really dont care about him finding other women attractive. But I think its really unnecessary to just blurt this out to me, I'm not a female buddy, I'm his GF. Thats not what i like to see in my growup boyfriend, its not how i want to be treated. I told him this. He was shocked, 'baffled', and said he never realised that it bothered me. Said he felt attacked, lonely and sad and had to cry. Than went on saying that he just assumed we had a relationship in which it was ok to share these things with each other, that he never meant to hurt me. 

 

I asked him why on earth he thaught it was interesting for me to know about all the women he found atrractive and he said 'I dont know, I never really thought about it. Actually, im not even bothered by that stuff and i dont look at women that way.'.

 

We then ended our convo. Now its ok but im still wondering: how would you react if your boyfriend made these comments?

have you ever got into thise conversations of that celeb is hot?  Have you ever asked him if that person is hot? Do you see him checking outothers snd you get upset?

 

on the surface him saying s9me one is attractive on tv/ movie shouldn’t be read into too much.  Him saying hot might be the outfit, not the person.

 

yes— every man’s fantasy is doing it with multiple women at once.  They say no they are lying.

Edited November 10, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[glows]

It sounds like he got a bit too familiar or comfortable around you and he forgot to put himself in your shoes. 

While I don’t think it’s your job to teach him basic manners, maybe leave out the other comments about his extended puberty and so on.

I wonder if this has changed your view of him in such a way that you may care about him but that spark is gone? Has it been gone for awhile? Love but not in love? Is he able to look past this also? 

If he’s not right for you don’t hurt each other in this relationship. Go your separate ways.

Edited November 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarity

[Alpacalia]

Though I am not against someone admiring or appreciating a nice-looking person, realistically the celebrity and him would not have much of a chance. I would be more offended if he called one of my friends hot.

Unaddressed is the issue of where one places his attention in a relationship. Sharing these feelings/attractions, and even permitting oneself to fan them into cognitive fantasy and storylines, that does not have anything to do with insecurity or trust, can be argued against.

He needs to give you security, but you also need to feel secure about yourself, and in his love. Happy relationships value each other's feelings. Unlike bantering with his male friends, you're his girlfriend. He can be drawn to celebrities. He doesn't need to tell you everything he thinks out loud.

While it is normal to find certain celebrities attractive, it is also wise not to overdo it. 

My question is, what was your response, when you mentioned your distaste for it to him, that he became so upset that he cried?

Edited November 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, lillylola said:

Je said 'I dont know, I never really thought about it. Actually, im not even bothered by that stuff and i dont look at women that way.'

He knows very well what he's doing. He's being deliberately rude to you. 

Since there have been so many other issues with this man already, perhaps it's time to step back and reflect how much more disrespect you're willing to tolerate.

It's only been a few months dating. You may have to decide if it's better cutting your losses sooner rather than later. 

He has a history of cheating, divorce as a result and 2 children. So he's not a clueless teen.

Edited November 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, lillylola said:

I'm not a female buddy, I'm his GF. Thats not what i like to see in my growup boyfriend, its not how i want to be treated. I told him this. He was shocked, 'baffled', and said he never realised that it bothered me. Said he felt attacked, lonely and sad and had to cry. Than went on saying that he just assumed we had a relationship in which it was ok to share these things with each other, that he never meant to hurt me.

Every relationship is a little bit different. Two things are clear to me -

- He didn't realize you would interpret this as "disrespectful". That may be a failing on his part, but it's also a "boundary" that you apparently had never made clear to him (until now).

- He used to feel comfortable sharing his innermost thoughts with you. You've now taught him that's not ok. "Complete honesty" is now at an end in your relationship.

[smackie9]

This is what you say "I don't like this locker room talk...do I look like a guy to you??" "Those remarks are sexist." "I'm a lady, why not start treating me like one please".

Edited November 10, 2022 by smackie9

[Fox Sake]

 

On 11/9/2022 at 10:22 PM, lillylola said:

Hi everyone,

 

So, my boyfriend is usually sweet, reliable and kind of nerdy. What annoys me is that, from the start, he made some comments that, in my viewpoint, are sexist and also totally irrelevant and even kind of disrespectful to me. 

 

To make an example: when there was a female artist singing in a smallsized outfit he mentioned this 'making him feel hot'  twice, on different occasions. 

Then, when we watched a show where some ladies walked in bikini at a beach, he said 'wow, that looks hot'. 

And yesterday, we were watching Lalaland and there's this scene where the actress stands in an elevator with 2 other redheaded ladies. He then said '3 redheads together in an elevator, man, thats every man's dream'. I looked at him askingly and asked 'oh, you think redheads are attractive or something?' He said 'yeah, i do'. I then laughed at him and said 'its so cute how you just transform back into puberty sometimes' He then asked 'why, are you jealous?'  Which no, I'm not, but I'm bothered by the lack of respect towards me and I dont understand why he needs to mention it.

 

I dont know why but its starting to annoy me. He's a grownup man, I really, really dont care about him finding other women attractive. But I think its really unnecessary to just blurt this out to me, I'm not a female buddy, I'm his GF. Thats not what i like to see in my growup boyfriend, its not how i want to be treated. I told him this. He was shocked, 'baffled', and said he never realised that it bothered me. Said he felt attacked, lonely and sad and had to cry. Than went on saying that he just assumed we had a relationship in which it was ok to share these things with each other, that he never meant to hurt me. 

 

I asked him why on earth he thaught it was interesting for me to know about all the women he found atrractive and he said 'I dont know, I never really thought about it. Actually, im not even bothered by that stuff and i dont look at women that way.'.

 

We then ended our convo. Now its ok but im still wondering: how would you react if your boyfriend made these comments?

I’m kinda curious on your interactions together. Do you regularly compliment him?
Does he regularly compliment you?
Are his parents still together (if so what’s their interactions and mutual respect like?)

Do you make each other feel loved and special? Do you have close friends of both sexes? I can’t shake the feeling there’s more to his behaviour, rooted somewhere else and this is just a byproduct of something. What you wrote makes him sound like an arse.. it would be a shame if it was just that. 

[Els]

On 11/10/2022 at 11:14 AM, BaileyB said:

You got your boyfriend to watch LaLaLand with you??!! That is true love…

That cracked me up!

OP, with all due respect, I think both of you are making mountains out of molehills. You made it into a way bigger thing than it had to be, and then he cried (?!). This could have been as simple as you saying "Please don't say that with me around, I'd really rather not know", and him apologizing. Instead, it became a huge issue...

Personally, I do tell H whenever I find a celebrity attractive. Granted, it doesn't happen often (I've had three celeb crushes... in my entire life), which is why it's something that I actually mention, and I can see how it would be annoying if every third sentence that came out of my mouth would be about another dude being hot. But equally so, if my small number of "oooooh Cumberbatch!" comments ever bothered him, I'd want him to tell me not to do it, so that I can, well, stop doing it.