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47 year old BF (long time friend) is temporarily broke and homeless, how long do I support him?

howwouldiknownow22

By howwouldiknownow22
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

People who are shady in life usually have shady business practises. I can see why you would want to send a text...you just don't know what he is capable of. I would also be looking into doing some background checks on those new business contacts too. You could be set up for more shady $%^&.

  • Like 2
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Spending $7,500 that you don't have on a homeless loser is no different from a drug addict spending $7,500 on their 'drug' of choice. 

 

It's exactly the same.  We tend to get very deeply into analyzing and criticizing the person who is doing wrong to the poster around here.  In most cases, we need to be talking about the poster themselves almost exclusively, if that person really wants to change their situation or even themselves, on some level.

Yes, this guy is surely a loser.  The many details about his issues are not important. What is important is how the OP reacted.  

It's classic codependence.  The mess of the guy is a golden opportunity for a codependent personality.  Other people would quickly say "uh oh, good luck sorting out your problems" and move on pronto.  A codependent person sees their way in.   

This guy is supposedly handsome, charismatic, respected in his business community, has potential.  So the OP can make themselves indispensable; provide for and "fix" the fellow's plethora of messes.  He will be beholden to her, and he will be hers.  There is a lot of power in that.

OP- I know that this is not a manipulative process like I'm making it sound here.  It's not even conscious.  But your situation is classic.  I would venture to say that zero non-codependent people in the world would have chosen the path you did.  From your post:

Quote

After he was in town for a few days, he was clear he was interested in a relationship with me and during the time of hanging out with him...and dinners etc. But his level of drinking was shocking to me.And he was consistently leaving me the bill.  I thought...WHY am I paying for this multi millionaire's dinner and bar tabs?  Things didn't make sense.  

This was right after he came to town, right?  

After this,  he goes home and fails to respond to your texts after 7:00 p.m.  You find out he's still living as man & wife with his ex.

More BS is revealed. 

He comes back and your next move is to have him under your roof, completely dependent upon you, and you give him a large sum of $.

That is co-dependent behavior, in contrast to "regular" behavior where the person (you) would have realized that this guy was nowheresville for you personally after the drunkenness, dead beatism, and marriage situation.  

You'd only been around him a little bit.

So ... go to counseling for your codependent issues; there are also some really great 12 step groups that can help many people a lot.  

You don't want to go through any more of your life making choices like this. 

Edited by NuevoYorko
  • Like 5
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I also wonder if part of the reason you hang on is the thought of being with a millionaire since that is what you're expecting him to get.  A lot of men play on women's greed to be rich and taken care of.  That sounds like what he got away with here.  So he gladly drank and dined on your money.  I can almost guarantee you aren't the first woman he's pulled this on.

  • Like 2
Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

Op please stop giving him money. Stop doing it today!

You sound like a very nice person who is kind, giving and selfless with a good heart. However you are brainwashed, in denial, and you need to get your head out the clouds before this man bankrupts you entirely. 
 

This man is using you. That much is clear. There are so many red flags in your OP that I don’t know how you’re not running away screaming. 
 

Don’t you find it strange how he was not romantically interested in you before? Interesting how his position about you  changed once he became practically  destitute… hmmm 
 

And you believe him re the ex wife, the living arrangements and the finances? They is no way that is all true. It doesn’t make any sense. 
 

You post reminds me of a documentary I watched about British women who were scammed out of thousands by men they met off the internet. Don’t be one of those women. 
 

Think of you and your son. Get this guy out of your house and stop bankrolling him. You’ll feel better for it 

They is no money that will miraculously come in. You will not be paid back. You are simply being manipulated with false promises. 
 

Cut your losses and run. 

  • Like 4
Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I'm guessing the minute he knows I'm truly not going to help him further... he will sell off some of his real estate....as fast as he can to get $100k or $200k to last him.  

This a man with options. He could have and should have done this a long time ago.

  • Like 1
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This a man with options. He could have and should have done this a long time ago.

I wonder.  A guy that can't even buy a meal or pay for a hotel room?  Whatever real estate he owns must be mortgaged up the wazoo or he'd be borrowing against it already, rather than being a literal homeless person.   

The OP is certainly a "soft place to fall" but if he had other options I don't think he'd be as destitute as he is now.  I'm afraid that his options are tapped out. 

  • Like 4
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
On 11/8/2022 at 1:41 PM, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 

I understand what you are saying...HOWEVER,  he did get a divorce (according to court records I found in his county) 3 years ago...But he later explained that it was mostly due to protecting HER assets.  Not sure how or why...but they are legally divorced.   

But CLEARLY she didn't know he was running around with me... while living off of her...   

he already got $7500 from you.  
 

i don’t know what his business is in or how his business is set up.  it’s possible he needed to file bankruptcy puts “their” home and assets at risk.
 

Couples also do this to shield funds for college by getting divorced in name only.  Say the man is the big bread winner. She works a job but the the income differences is significant.  They have teenagers looking at college. Financial aid is based on household income. Prior to them applying for college, they get divorced. Her income is such that puts them up for decent financial aid programs and being eligible for college. If they were married the kids would have no shot. When I was with my ex gf, she had a teenage daughter in high school.  My income was double what hers was. I told her I wasn’t going to marry her because my income woukd kill her financial aid. The daughter father wasn’t part of her life.  

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howwouldiknownow22 Established Member

howwouldiknownow22

Posted
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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

he already got $7500 from you.  
 

i don’t know what his business is in or how his business is set up.  it’s possible he needed to file bankruptcy puts “their” home and assets at risk.
 

Couples also do this to shield funds for college by getting divorced in name only.  Say the man is the big bread winner. She works a job but the the income differences is significant.  They have teenagers looking at college. Financial aid is based on household income. Prior to them applying for college, they get divorced. Her income is such that puts them up for decent financial aid programs and being eligible for college. If they were married the kids would have no shot. When I was with my ex gf, she had a teenage daughter in high school.  My income was double what hers was. I told her I wasn’t going to marry her because my income woukd kill her financial aid. The daughter father wasn’t part of her life.  

 

SO -- I cut him loose last night.  Here's how it transpired...it was QUITE an evening.  I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay.  I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on.  And that went haywire fast.  He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me.  That he "shouldn't have to date single moms".  That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son". 

I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well.  Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"

He kept insulting me...via text and then this morning I woke up to a screen shot of his bank account with only 50 bucks in it...saying he has no means to survive and asked to BORROW 400 dollars.  Sent me his Zelle bank info.  Then said he wouldn't contact me further if he could just have that to get another night at the hotel.

I sent him the money and he replied with "thank you , but it's pretty pathetic that you won't talk to me.  You are pathetic.  Then said he thought I was more emotionally stable than this..  and that now I'm ...him up in the process"

I haven't replied.  and I won't ... but, WOWWWWWWW is all I have to say.  WOWWWWW.  He has SOME NERVE!  

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted

Why would you expect much better from this person?  I'm sorry you went through this but most people probably could have predicted what would happen when you cut him off.  It's not outrageous, given the context.  A guy who would use you so easily would absolutely turn on you if you pulled the plug.

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
51 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

asked to BORROW 400 dollars.  Sent me his Zelle bank info.  Then said he wouldn't contact me further if he could just have that to get another night at the hotel.

I sent him the money...

What?   I nearly choked on my tea when reading this. 

After he lied to you, insulted you and berated you?  Admitted to using you?

Could you explain your thought process for giving him yet more money after all this?  

Money that YOU need for yourself and your son?

I'm at a loss to understand.

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 3
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay.

Delete and block him. Your focus on your son is what counts, not his parasitism , tantrums or threats. Change the locks, get a restraining order.

Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted (edited)

Why oh why did you give him another $400? 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed
  • Like 1
Stret Established Member

Stret

Posted
Posted (edited)

I must admit I am disappointed....in you, for giving him money after he treated you like s*** via texts when you broke it off. You really should think about what it says about you. He behaved as expected and as he did so far, without any regard to your life, your needs, your son... just "me, me, me, give me more [ ] , and then you go and give him more. Sorry. I just don't get it. You are not responsible for his life and if he ends up on the street, it is not your problem to solve or worry about. Wake up! 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I sent him the money and he replied with "thank you , but it's pretty pathetic that you won't talk to me.  You are pathetic.  Then said he thought I was more emotionally stable than this..  

I absolutely can't believe that, after all this, you still sent him more money.

What were you thinking?  You have some very poor judgment that you need to work on before getting involved in relationships again.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He kept insulting me...via text and then this morning I woke up to a screen shot of his bank account with only 50 bucks in it...saying he has no means to survive and asked to BORROW 400 dollars.  Sent me his Zelle bank info.  Then said he wouldn't contact me further if he could just have that to get another night at the hotel.

I sent him the money

Wait..... what????

Are you actually serious here or are you taking all of us for a ride??? 🤣

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howwouldiknownow22 Established Member

howwouldiknownow22

Posted
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Posted
24 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Wait..... what????

Are you actually serious here or are you taking all of us for a ride??? 🤣

No..I'm not.  He had a high profile virtual event to do today and I HAD told him he could do it at my house. So, I did feel bad that if I pulled his hotel funding that he would lose his opportunity to do this event where he will actually make money.

He wanted to do it in my home (even this morning) and I said no.   So, this was my way of accommodating him and allowing him to have another night in the hotel and not use my office for his virtual event.   I honestly hope he will succeed moving forward...but currently, I'm angry. I am really angry.  

So, yes I paid him the money.  He gets to have food and dinner...and hotel with a great conference room location to do his event.  NOT at my home.  I'm done..... 

I just know that in my heart....I want to do the best that I can for people...  

I'm currently a mess myself.  I need to figure out a lot of things... personally.   I understand that ...but, contrary to "Mike"...I don't beg and plead ...and guilt people into anything.... I'll figure it out.  Thank you again for your replies and support.  

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I have my son to focus on.

Yes. You need to save for your and his future, not squander and gamble money away on fraudsters. 

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

I apologize if this has been asked and answered previously, but what have your previous relationships been like?  Were you as co-dependent in those relationships as you are with this one?

Somehow, some way, you need to take steps to raise your self-esteem, respect yourself and love yourself.   [ ] 

It's one thing to be a kind, caring person, it's a completely different thing allowing yourself to be used and a doormat to an abuser.  I know that term gets thrown around a lot but honestly I cannot think of another name for him. he's absolutely horrible the way he treated you and continues to treat you.

The only possible positive from this experience is that hopefully you learned something.   That being, love and respect yourself FIRST cause if you don't, trust me no one else will either including this "person."

I would also explore what your true motivation was giving him the $400.00.   My guess is you mistakenly believe that being "kind, caring and nice" will ultimately win you points with this person and if/when he gets back on his feet (massive IF) he will reward you with his love (and financial resources).

It's actually the opposite.   By being so kind and nice to a person who treats you like absolutely dog *, he has lost all respect for you.  I am sorry if this sounds harsh but he may even be laughing to himself how easily he is able to bamboozle you.

This is just so sad OP, please PLEASE seek professional help for yourself.

You are already out just shy of $8,000 that you can count on NEVER seeing again, not to mention to toll on your already low self esteem.

Again, I am truly sorry.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I want to do the best that I can for people...  

Sending this man even more money after he verbally and financially abused you isn't doing the best for him. 

It's you trying to make yourself feel good, and possibly buy his validation. At what cost? That's another $400 you could have spent on (or save for) your child, for example. And now you've taken that away from him to give to a guy who doesn't care about you as a person. 

I would strongly urge you to get some counselling. You have some alarmingly low self-worth, and it's going to continue to attract men who will exploit the heck of out you, just like this one did. 

  • Like 6
bene Established Member

bene

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He had a high profile virtual event to do today and I HAD told him he could do it at my house. So, I did feel bad that if I pulled his hotel funding that he would lose his opportunity to do this event where he will actually make money.

I’m sorry but none of this sounds “high profile” to me. 

He’s 47 old man who has a family and alleged high profile clients and business associates. How exactly did you come to the conclusion that it’s somehow your responsibility to put a roof over his head? How come you are the last resort for him?

If he’s interested in pursuing you, he should be the one who is interested to put his best foot forward and solve his problems to be a better man for you. I’m sure he’s well aware that demanding money and throwing tantrums is not the way to court a woman. He just doesn’t care beyond getting his fix from you.

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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

No..I'm not.  He had a high profile virtual event to do today and I HAD told him he could do it at my house. So, I did feel bad that if I pulled his hotel funding that he would lose his opportunity to do this event where he will actually make money.

This is ridiculous.  The guy is nothing more than a deadbeat.   If he wants to make some money he can go get a normal job like anyone else.  Places are desperate for workers.  The "high profile" fancy stuff is either a thing of the past or a fantasy.  

 

  • Like 4
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I think you need to take a break from men until you learn to create boundaries around yourself.  If not for you then definitely for your son.  I cannot believe you coughed up another $400 to someone who has used you for his bank.  $8,000 later and he's calling you names and you were going to offer up your house for his business meeting.  This is the reason he was with you all along.  Why wasn't he blocked after you dropped him off at the hotel and at least after he spent the night texting you calling you names?  You'd still have $400 today if you had blocked him.  What is it about this man that has made you so weak?  Is he blocked now?

  • Like 3
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

No..I'm not.  He had a high profile virtual event to do today and I HAD told him he could do it at my house. So, I did feel bad that if I pulled his hotel funding that he would lose his opportunity to do this event where he will actually make money.

Practice this phrase and use it: NOT MY PROBLEM!

  • Like 3
Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted

Did he put a love spell on you or something? Because I cannot think of any other reasonable explanation why you would even want him anywhere near you, your son or your house. Yeah, love spell must be it. Either that or for some reason you cannot say no to people and enforce any boundaries whatsoever. Seriously, how on earth was he able to swindle you out of almost $8,000 dollars. Un-freakingbelievable. Do you really believe that there is a millionaire out there, who cannot flush a toilet and has a severe drinking problem and yet he asks money from a woman that he hardly knows? He is a con man, a swingler, but apparently whatever con he is running is working on you. He insults you some more and your response is to give him more money?????? Huh? 

Seriously, he is a grown ass man. He is going to do just fine without any of your help. And if he really is a millionaire and has tons of high-profile clients, then he should be more than fine. And there are always homeless shelters out there so no worries about him.

Please, please, pretty please, I am shouting here, STOP THIS INSANITY RIGHT NOW. Change locks, block him everywhere, do not answer any of his texts or phonecalls. Stop playing victum and take a charge of your life. Go to a police and see if it is possible to get your money back from this conman. Probably not, but you may find out that they are aware of him and the scams that he runs on women just like you. I doubt that you are the only one that he scammed, there are probably more. 

 

  • Like 5
Alvi Established Member

Alvi

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

The "high profile" fancy stuff is either a thing of the past or a fantasy.  

Yeah, I am pretty sure it is either a fantasy or some elaborate con that he is running on women.

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