47 year old BF (long time friend) is temporarily broke and homeless, how long do I support him?

November 8, 2022

19 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Right. That's my question. I'm sorry the OP is getting hurt, but I'm not seeing any potential upside here.

They are going to a great deal of effort to allow an unreliable person to destroy their life, and it's not even someone who was very close to them. Just a "long distance friend" on the phone.

I understand the tough feedback and it's well deserved. And as one poster boiled it down...it's pretty blatantly obvious that -- when you remove all the details...it's just a man on a mission to have his own needs met and his ability to manipulate me through guilt and my own compassion for his issues surrounding loneliness and rejection.

But you are right. We all have our own ability to dig deep and pull ourselves out of jams. I've done it numerous times as a business owner...and somehow I still get drawn into this self destructive behavior, by failing to implement strong boundaries and people pleasing.

We began an exclusive romantic relationship in late September. So, it hasn't even been 2 months. It was a whirlwind in the beginning (in a great way) but I think he still had access to credit cards etc at that time.

The financial mess began to show its ugly head about 5 weeks ago...with some minor red flags....but the full on shitshow...that happened while I was attending our professional conference was 3 weeks ago...and I guess he's been here since then... with me going back and forth and paying for his disappearance to a hotel or airbnb when it was necessary for my son.

But you are spot on... what is the upside? Initially it seemed I was meeting great clients and referrals etc as well as building connections and respect for my (soon to be) ex BF. But, my RESPECT has dropped to near zero for him at this time.

And even aside from the lack of funds... he has proven that he is untrustworthy and will use me for whatever he can....

November 8, 2022

4 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I understand the tough feedback and it's well deserved. And as one poster boiled it down...it's pretty blatantly obvious that -- when you remove all the details...it's just a man on a mission to have his own needs met and his ability to manipulate me through guilt and my own compassion for his issues surrounding loneliness and rejection.

I'd suggest that you just leave all of the things you're attributing to the guy out of the mix. Just deal with the facts: His life circumstances. You know what they are. Yet you are twisting yourself into profound contortions in order to try to make yourself indispensable to this person, so you will "have" him as your partner. He is not driving this, you are.

Just stop. As I said, even the best case scenario I can imagine (barring a magic wand) would not do anything to provide you with a life partner.

November 8, 2022

26 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

We began an exclusive romantic relationship in late September.

It’s not an exclusive romantic relationship if he has a wife.

26 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

what is the upside? Initially it seemed I was meeting great clients and referrals etc as well as building connections and respect for my (soon to be) ex BF.

This guy sounds like a con-artist, and as such I would have no trust for the so called “great clients” that he says he will introduce you to. Either they are of similar character, or they are oblivious to the truth about this man. Is this someone with whom you would chose to invest your hard earned money? Not me. And, I wouldn’t trust any of his “investors” any more than I would trust this man - which is not at all.

You seem to be distracted by the charisma, the budding romance, the potential of a financial windfall… These are all things that allow this man to put his hand in your pocket -

Focus on the reality of the situation, he is married, he is financially destitute, his business and his lifestyle are a facade, and he is an alcoholic. Hard pass.

Edited November 8, 2022 by BaileyB

November 8, 2022

It's very concerning that you chose to ignore so many red flags and have put up with this for as long as you have. Even if this guy is supposedly about to "come into millions", (which is naive to believe) who cares? Does that outweigh all the dysfunctional things about this guy? Would that be a reason to keep him in your life? Absolutely not. You need to recognize the incredibly poor judgment that you made in allowing this guy into your life despite him showing time and time again that he is a dishonest person and a liar. You're not an innocent victim of all this; we all make decisions for ourselves.

You need to get this guy out of your house asap and stop this madness. And you are not ready to date until you get into therapy and seriously work on your own issues.

November 8, 2022

There was a post recently that was eerily similar to the situation you're describing. Linked below; maybe you can reach out to this member and offer each other support.

There are also "codependent anonymous" groups. You might get some very good tools there.

November 8, 2022

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not an exclusive romantic relationship if he has a wife.

This guy sounds like a con-artist, and as such I would have no trust for the so called “great clients” that he says he will introduce you to. Either they are of similar character, or they are oblivious to the truth about this man. Is this someone with whom you would chose to invest your hard earned money? Not me. And, I wouldn’t trust any of his “investors” any more than I would trust this man - which is not at all.

You seem to be distracted by the charisma, the budding romance, the potential of a financial windfall… These are all things that allow this man to put his hand in your pocket -

Focus on the reality of the situation, he is married, he is financially destitute, his business and his lifestyle are a facade, and he is an alcoholic. Hard pass.

I understand what you are saying...HOWEVER, he did get a divorce (according to court records I found in his county) 3 years ago...But he later explained that it was mostly due to protecting HER assets. Not sure how or why...but they are legally divorced.

But CLEARLY she didn't know he was running around with me... while living off of her...

November 8, 2022

7 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

But CLEARLY she didn't know he was running around with me... while living off of her...

And I thought he was attempting to live off you…

Either way, legally divorced or not, there are so many red flags here that he could be the Parade Marshall.

November 8, 2022

His financial issues have probably been going on for a very long time. If his wife felt the need to divorce him, but continue living with him, then she apparently felt his financial situation was dangerous to her own wellbeing. If he's a well known and respected businessman but is this destitute now, he's probably earned and lost other fortunes along the way. Not a favorable outlook for you to recoup any of the money you've spent on him.

His personal and business life is a mess. Not only are you feeling used, you are engaging in an unhealthy coping mechanism (drinking). Don't let him drag you down. If you can't kick him out for yourself, do it for your son. And then give some serious thought into why you let this happen. It's a good opportunity to focus on yourself for awhile and not on him.

November 8, 2022

It sounds as if he had a lawsuit three years ago that stripped him off his funds, and prior to the lawsuit he decided to divorce his wife so her assets are not seen as his assets and used to pay for whatever damages he caused to the plaintiff (probably in his business to someone, client maybe). But I'm guessing. There is no other way to see why he had to divorce her to protect her assets other than someone was after him legally.

He is using your good protective nature. A man that is interested in you would not want to damage his reputation with you that way, to live on your bill, and have you finance his life. Save yourself from future trouble and tell him you cannot handle him financially any longer and that he has to go. However, if you last another week you will see whether his $100K are coming in or not, and if he lied about that. Will he offer to compensate you for all the expenses you incurred because of him - you'll soon see that as well. Try and stay on a friendly terms just because you have clients in common.

November 8, 2022

Let's start with the basics here:

I talked him through some tough times (over the phone) when his brother died etc. There is no such thing.

I went through a 22-month period in which my father died (expected he was in his 90s and had been ailing) and two brothers died (not expected--very painful and shocking). No one could "talk me through" my grief. Certainly no long-distance telephone friend.

My closest friends simply made themselves available for breakfasts, coffee, walks, talks and fun adventures. But even they (these very close friends) didn't "talk me through" my grief. They simply gave me lots of warmth and love and patience. When I met up with them, we didn't necessarily talk about my pain. Didn't need that. I needed some fun and warm connection. It takes years to work through grief ... so you can't talk through grief with someone in some quick sense that you seem to suggest.

A big part of healing from grief (and thank God my mother shared this with me multiple times well before she died) is simply going on to live a good life, resuming activities, hobbies and fun outings.

You need to firm up your boundaries. You only give someone lots of grief time if they are already EXTREMELY close to you. As in already a love partner., as in a trustworthy long-time friend. And all you're doing is allowing that person to have room and space to do their own grief work.

November 9, 2022

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's start with the basics here:

I talked him through some tough times (over the phone) when his brother died etc. There is no such thing.

I went through a 22-month period in which my father died (expected he was in his 90s and had been ailing) and two brothers died (not expected--very painful and shocking). No one could "talk me through" my grief. Certainly no long-distance telephone friend.

My closest friends simply made themselves available for breakfasts, coffee, walks, talks and fun adventures. But even they (these very close friends) didn't "talk me through" my grief. They simply gave me lots of warmth and love and patience. When I met up with them, we didn't necessarily talk about my pain. Didn't need that. I needed some fun and warm connection. It takes years to work through grief ... so you can't talk through grief with someone in some quick sense that you seem to suggest.

A big part of healing from grief (and thank God my mother shared this with me multiple times well before she died) is simply going on to live a good life, resuming activities, hobbies and fun outings.

You need to firm up your boundaries. You only give someone lots of grief time if they are already EXTREMELY close to you. As in already a love partner., as in a trustworthy long-time friend. And all you're doing is allowing that person to have room and space to do their own grief work.

I think you are scrutinizing words here.. I'm just saying that I was there for him every time he needed to talk or commiserate... or even cry -- long distance. I have always been there for him and I believe some of the hardest parts of this for me is that I feel bad for him and I have grown to know him and his pain. I don't want anyone to be in pain...or need emotional support.

But, yes, I realize that he needs to do his own work.. and protect myself.

November 9, 2022

7 hours ago, Stret said:

It sounds as if he had a lawsuit three years ago that stripped him off his funds, and prior to the lawsuit he decided to divorce his wife so her assets are not seen as his assets and used to pay for whatever damages he caused to the plaintiff (probably in his business to someone, client maybe). But I'm guessing. There is no other way to see why he had to divorce her to protect her assets other than someone was after him legally.

He is using your good protective nature. A man that is interested in you would not want to damage his reputation with you that way, to live on your bill, and have you finance his life. Save yourself from future trouble and tell him you cannot handle him financially any longer and that he has to go. However, if you last another week you will see whether his $100K are coming in or not, and if he lied about that. Will he offer to compensate you for all the expenses you incurred because of him - you'll soon see that as well. Try and stay on a friendly terms just because you have clients in common.

I think I am just emotionally attached right now. I need to break the attachment. I will send the hard truth text tomorrow morning.

I have (for years) felt as if he was a friend who would always have my back... probably more of a fallacy or imagined safety net than anything else at this point.

So it's going to take a bit of undoing... and breaking of that habit. I can honestly say while he's an extremely attractive and very smart, charismatic man...I'm no longer attracted to him. When we first became a couple...I was over the moon. But, when my respect was compromised...everything else fell apart...not to mention seeing someone drinking that heavily...that does some damage to their perceived competence.

It's just going to be tough to get past the fallacies. He is not what I thought ...and unfortunately, I don't think he will ever be that person.... even when he has millions.... he will still be the binge drinker who lied to me about his ex wife...and begged me for survival and bilked me out of a lot of money and energy. That can't be undone.

November 9, 2022

Even if you put the money matters aside, the fact that you have to chauffer him, clean up after him, take his stuff to the dry cleaners for him and FLUSH THE TOILET FOR HIM should be alarming enough.

Also, where are your boundaries? Why would you take him out to dinner when he has no money? If he promises to pay for the dinner, tell him you'd prefer if he makes a contribution to the groceries. Why are you buying him alcohol when he's an alcoholic AND has no money to afford it himself? He's doing a whole lot of bad stuff, but you're also enabling him.

November 9, 2022

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

when my respect was compromised...everything else fell apart...

That’s really it. Things that can’t be unseen. He likely needs help from professionals.

This isn’t for you to sort out. The shock will wear off and so will the disappointment.

November 9, 2022

Yikes, OP. I am sorry.

I think this man zeroed in on you because he knew you liked him a lot and you don't have strong boundaries. He knew what he was doing and I believe it was very calculated. I also believe that there is still a lot you don't know about him and what landed him in this utter gongshow. It seems he plays fast and loose with the truth and I bet the truth would gobsmack you. You are only seeing a fraction of whatever his real problems are.

Get him out of your house before the sun goes down today. Make sure he does not have any access to any of your credit card or other account information. Don't count on him paying you a dime out of the "millions" he's apparently coming into. Consider this a very expensive lesson learned.

November 9, 2022

You cannot rescue people from grief pain. Sorry. They have to do that themselves, and how they do that partly depends on the friendships they've created along the way and the maturity and resilience they've developed.

You're confused about emotional pain. Grief pain is healthy, absolutely healthy and unavoidable. Out of grief pain can come lots of growth. When my mother died, OMG I heard the ticking of the life clock and really looked hard at my life priorities. And I knew she would want me live a happy, fulfilled life---and I took that seriously to make changes, positive changes in my life.

Relationships don't come out of rescuing others from pain. Sorry: that's social work. You don't want to be an ear for someone like this. Sounds like he's more relying on you than doing his own work to process his grief. There are support groups, great books, blogs, journals, grief counselors or just older people around to help us through grief. Sounds like he was just throwing his waste at you. It's his job to process his waste and what friends can do is just encourage us to process it and to hang out with us.

You gotta look up "boundaries." And now you are attached. Well guess what? When you give indiscriminately (to people who haven't earned it and who had no ability to repay it) you get attached. When you try to rescue someone from life's ups and downs instead of just being a warm presence for them, you get attached and inevitably frustrated.

Here's a tip: what were you getting from him? You felt good because you were helping him. But sounds like you're not getting your needs and desires met. You're hiding them behind helping him. You're trying to win his affection by catering to him. Doesn't work.

Edited November 9, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

November 9, 2022

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You cannot rescue people from grief pain. Sorry. They have to do that themselves, and how they do that partly depends on the friendships they've created along the way and the maturity and resilience they've developed.

You're confused about emotional pain. Grief pain is healthy, absolutely healthy and unavoidable. Out of grief pain can come lots of growth. When my mother died, OMG I heard the ticking of the life clock and really looked hard at my life priorities. And I knew she would want me live a happy, fulfilled life---and I took that seriously to make changes, positive changes in my life.

Relationships don't come out of rescuing others from pain. Sorry: that's social work. You don't want to be an ear for someone like this. Sounds like he's more relying on you than doing his own work to process his grief. There are support groups, great books, blogs, journals, grief counselors or just older people around to help us through grief. Sounds like he was just throwing his waste at you. It's his job to process his waste and what friends can do is just encourage us to process it and to hang out with us.

You gotta look up "boundaries." And now you are attached. Well guess what? When you give indiscriminately (to people who haven't earned it and who had no ability to repay it) you get attached. When you try to rescue someone from life's ups and downs instead of just being a warm presence for them, you get attached and inevitably frustrated.

Here's a tip: what were you getting from him? You felt good because you were helping him. But sounds like you're not getting your needs and desires met. You're hiding them behind helping him. You're trying to win his affection by catering to him. Doesn't work.

Very well said... what am I getting out of this relationship? GREAT POINT. I guess initially it felt like a match made in heaven...until I began to see who and what he truly was. But yes, I get it.. he is a companion...and a sense of "I'm not alone"... and being single for a couple of years -- aside from a few shorter relationships...has taught me a lot.

But, it's still not what I PREFER in my life. I want a companion and clearly I'm showing vulnerabilities when it comes to that.. apparently I want the companionship so much, I'm willing to compromise everything ... for someone who will clearly scam me.

As I've inquired more over the past few days...I realized that after THIS payday comes...(which now sounds like it will be about 25k NOT 100k) in the next few days... he has no other payouts/distributions until January.

So, I'm understanding things a bit more now... as I've asked questions about his business model. When those companies that he raises money for SELL ... then he gets paid handsomely on the back end.

BUT, until he has another company to raise capital for, he has very little to live off of. He gets paid a portion of "fees" up front when the capital round closes... and then equity in the company. So, the million dollar payout is when a company he raised capital for TWO YEARS ago sells...and that could be next fall, 2024 ...or ___.

Until then, it seems he will get about $25k in the next week. And then NOTHING on tap until January.

I guess $25k could go a long way if you are living off of someone like me... BUT, it evaporates FAST for someone like me...with a business to run, a child to feed and clothe, and letting a scammer leech off of me!

So, even IF I was going to try to stay with him.. (which I'm not!) I realize he's STILL in a bad spot...even when his $25k comes in... and he's most certainly not going to write a check for $7500 to ME ...to pay me back when he's only got that to last him until... whenever.

THIS is why he's been living with his ex wife.....and THIS is why he's broke and without a car. It's beginning to make sense now.

I'm guessing the minute he knows I'm truly not going to help him further... he will sell off some of his real estate....as fast as he can to get $100k or $200k to last him.

He will have no choice. "I" have been allowing him to avoid that hard choice. But, "I" will never profit off of his investments.

November 9, 2022

11 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I think I am just emotionally attached right now.

I think it's deeper than that and you need to do some serious soul searching and if you can afford it, with a therapist.

People are attached to much more important people like their spouse, children, parents, yet they don't accept such bad treatment from them. What kept you in this relationship was desperation for love and emotional dependency. You need to grow out of that.

November 9, 2022

6 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

BUT, until he has another company to raise capital for, he has very little to live off of. He gets paid a portion of "fees" up front when the capital round closes... and then equity in the company. So, the million dollar payout is when a company he raised capital for TWO YEARS ago sells...and that could be next fall, 2024 ...or ___.

Until then, it seems he will get about $25k in the next week. And then NOTHING on tap until January.

I guess $25k could go a long way if you are living off of someone like me... BUT, it evaporates FAST for someone like me...with a business to run, a child to feed and clothe, and letting a scammer leech off of me!

So, even IF I was going to try to stay with him.. (which I'm not!) I realize he's STILL in a bad spot...even when his $25k comes in... and he's most certainly not going to write a check for $7500 to ME ...to pay me back when he's only got that to last him until... whenever.

I think this man is as honest in business as he is in his personal life. What you're describing sound like some monkey business he's running. I wouldn't be surprised he owes money to organized crime.

Let it go, forget about the money you lost on this man, it's part of your lesson learned.

November 9, 2022

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think this man is as honest in business as he is in his personal life. What you're describing sound like some monkey business he's running. I wouldn't be surprised he owes money to organized crime.

Let it go, forget about the money you lost on this man, it's part of your lesson learned.

Yes -- more and more lies..I'm sure. Everything will unravel at some point... but I just need to let go...

November 9, 2022

55 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I guess $25k could go a long way if you are living off of someone like me... BUT, it evaporates FAST for someone like me...with a business to run, a child to feed and clothe, and letting a scammer leech off of me!

So, even IF I was going to try to stay with him.. (which I'm not!) I realize he's STILL in a bad spot...even when his $25k comes in... and he's most certainly not going to write a check for $7500 to ME ...to pay me back when he's only got that to last him until... whenever.

THIS is why he's been living with his ex wife.....and THIS is why he's broke and without a car. It's beginning to make sense now.

I'm guessing the minute he knows I'm truly not going to help him further... he will sell off some of his real estate....as fast as he can to get $100k

With a child to raise I can't believe you would spend $7500 on some homeless guy you barely know. I doubt he's even got real estate he can sell.

November 9, 2022

You said above that tomorrow morning you will send him the hard truth text. Why do you need to send him at text instead of telling him to his face tonight that he has to leave?

November 9, 2022

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why do you need to send him at text instead of telling him to his face tonight that he has to leave?

The man plays a really convincing game to get 7500K out of her. I'd be worried that if she tells him face to face he'll just up his game to make her change her mind.

November 9, 2022

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The man plays a really convincing game to get 7500K out of her. I'd be worried that if she tells him face to face he'll just up his game to make her change her mind.

OP this is where you have to put your big girl panties on and stand up for you and your child. No more letting this man take advantage of resources that are for you, your child and your business. Think about it, if he actually cared about you and your child he wouldn't leech off of you.

November 9, 2022

Spending $7,500 that you don't have on a homeless loser is no different from a drug addict spending $7,500 on their 'drug' of choice.

It sounds like you're addicted, to what I don't know - the validation, approval or the high you get when he (or any man?) gives you attention.

Love addiction is a real thing and both women and men have been destroyed from it.

Emotionally and financially.

If you don't get a handle on it, you're gonna go broke and you and your child will be out on the streets yourself.

Edited November 9, 2022 by poppyfields

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47 year old BF (long time friend) is temporarily broke and homeless, how long do I support him?

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