ms.stressed Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 A man I'm seeing sister sent me a friend request. I love him and I like his family...I'm hesitant to accept it because...we still have things to work out...and I'm really nervous because I don't want to establish a bond and things don't work out. I've always maintained a distance between my significant other's family and friends...Always...I never got too invested... they always lived in other state...never where I lived... I enjoy family...it's just some things I'd rather keep between us...does that make sense. I don't like judgement or too many opinions and I was always taught to keep your marriage private. Which is why I said if I every get in another relationship, I'm keeping an apartment, just for myself, to run away to...because I need that personal time to myself. Does that make sense? I really like this guy...
Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 3 minutes ago, ms.stressed said: A man I'm seeing sister sent me a friend request. Do you know her or is she just checking you out/being nosy? You could reset you social media with regard to who can see what content in terms of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.
Gaeta Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 Depends what's his view on it. He may be big on family and he likes a lot of mingling together, doesn't mean you have to talk about your relationship, that remains personal to you and him. I think interactig with his family is a great way to get to know him. She doesn't need to become your bff. I'm still friends with some of my ex(s) siblings from 25 years ago. Sometimes the romance go but the friendships you made along the way remains. 2
Alpacalia Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 You're not official but it sounds like you've met his family? At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right when it comes to your relationship. More importantly, stay focused on getting to know each other, and enjoy getting to know his family in person. If you've been dating exclusively for months, and you don't feel ready yet, that's okay. Wait until you feel comfortable.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 You can hold off: send her a message politely saying what you say here. But having the sister as a friend means nothing as far as commitment. You don't owe her anything. And you can defriend her if you and bf don't work out. And that's very reasonable--not tacky at all. I like your desire to keep up some boundaries! ... and your courage to acknowledge and you aren't sure that you and bf can work things out. 2
Mike B. Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 (edited) I completely get what you are getting at. I used to be the same way. In the beginning stages of a relationship, I usually like to hold off on meeting family members or interacting with them much. I like to have that time to focus on the relationship and developing that bond without too much outside influences. However, I realize that there is a downside to this and there are some things to think about: -If you avoid or turn down the sister's request, you could potentially damage your relationship with her in the future. Lets say you and your man really take off, the sister may never forget how you hesitated with accepting her. This sister will likely be able to influence other family members on her view of you. What do you think Thanksgiving dinner will taste like for his family after that? Try to reverse the situation and you send your brother or another family members partner a friend request and they decline. How would you view that? -This could create friction between you and the guy. Is he close with his sister? He may take offense to you turning down his sister's request. -Developing a bond with his family could strengthen your relationship. If they have no attachment to you and he is having problems with you that he brings to his family, they likely won't try to see things through your eyes and just agree with him on a lot of potential issues. They must know you to really provide any unbiased opinions to him. He will bring relationship woes to someone in the family most likely over time. Again, I completely get it but this sort of standoffishness carries its own risk. If I were you, I would just accept it. It doesn't mean you two have to be workout buddies or anything but I would at least try to be affable with the family at all stages unless otherwise indicated. Edited November 8, 2022 by Mike B. 1
glows Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 I think this goes back to being fearful and traumatized from your last abusive relationship in your prior thread. What has your therapist advised in regards to social media and this friend request? You have very low confidence overall and are trying to overcome your past. Try not to let social media take up a large part your life, ie you can live with or without it. No big deal. I’d speak with your therapist about this if you continue to feel unsure. 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you know her or is she just checking you out/being nosy? You could reset you social media with regard to who can see what content in terms of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc. I know them. I met them. They're really nice, but I'm private. I'm social but very private in terms of my affairs with people. Does that make sense?
Gaeta Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 39 minutes ago, ms.stressed said: I know them. I met them. They're really nice, but I'm private. I'm social but very private in terms of my affairs with people. Does that make sense? Then stay private. Doesn't mean you have to be antisocial. Talking to someone doen't mean you have to talk about your life and your past. 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 I waited a full week to accepted it, lol! I don't want to let my anxiety stop me from developing relationships. 3
Gaeta Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 2 minutes ago, ms.stressed said: I waited a full week to accepted it, lol! I don't want to let my anxiety stop me from developing relationships. Good for you!! Keeping people out is an easy solution. We are social beings, we need to socialize, we need contacts, we need to exchange with people to grow fulfilled. Keep your secret garden to yourself but don't deny yourself a little bit of social, little bit of laugh, it goes a long way! 2
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You can hold off: send her a message politely saying what you say here. But having the sister as a friend means nothing as far as commitment. You don't owe her anything. And you can defriend her if you and bf don't work out. And that's very reasonable--not tacky at all. I like your desire to keep up some boundaries! ... and your courage to acknowledge and you aren't sure that you and bf can work things out. Thank you. I'm trying to be more open to being around people and having no shame about my disability. I realize that being in a relationship means sharing some details with mutual friends and family. My previous relationship didn't have that...and they preferred it that way. It was terrible...I had to get therapy, because I didn't know I needed the help. I didn't even know it was legal to tell on people. They had me thinking I was crazy for tell people what they did. It's a lot, and it's all documented in my post...the abuse, the affairs, the rape. I've been in counseling for 6 years. They had to tell me what rape was.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Good for you!! Keeping people out is an easy solution. We are social beings, we need to socialize, we need contacts, we need to exchange with people to grow fulfilled. Keep your secret garden to yourself but don't deny yourself a little bit of social, little bit of laugh, it goes a long way! Thank you. It feels good to have people and *not* my therapist tell me this. I take medicine to keep me from running away. It's awful. It's like my body just says, run. So I run. I need medication to keep me from leaving. From my last relationships.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 16 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Good for you!! Keeping people out is an easy solution. We are social beings, we need to socialize, we need contacts, we need to exchange with people to grow fulfilled. Keep your secret garden to yourself but don't deny yourself a little bit of social, little bit of laugh, it goes a long way! Thank you. I keep a journal. I allowed him to read it, that's how he found out...it was terrible, lol!
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 11 hours ago, glows said: I think this goes back to being fearful and traumatized from your last abusive relationship in your prior thread. What has your therapist advised in regards to social media and this friend request? You have very low confidence overall and are trying to overcome your past. Try not to let social media take up a large part your life, ie you can live with or without it. No big deal. I’d speak with your therapist about this if you continue to feel unsure. I need therapy. I don't like talking about it because it's sad and if makes me feel bad. He said he'll go to therapy with me and my therapist says we need it. 1
BaileyB Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 (edited) So this is just me, being Facebook “friends” with someone wouldn’t mean much to me. I am Facebook “friends” with many people - high school friends, friends of my brother, former coworkers, extended family members - and their extended family members… You can be Facebook friends with someone and still never talk to them! I personally wouldn’t let him read my journal. That, to me, would be very private. Good luck to you, keep going with the therapy and keep challenging that anxiety. There are so many good people in the world, it would be a darn shame if one really bad apple kept you from forming other relationships. Edited November 8, 2022 by BaileyB 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 16 hours ago, Gaeta said: Depends what's his view on it. He may be big on family and he likes a lot of mingling together, doesn't mean you have to talk about your relationship, that remains personal to you and him. I think interactig with his family is a great way to get to know him. She doesn't need to become your bff. I'm still friends with some of my ex(s) siblings from 25 years ago. Sometimes the romance go but the friendships you made along the way remains. Exactly! My last relationships were so codependent...I took on all their insecurities...every time...they made money, but it's not my job to complete you or make you a better person or be anything for you and I don't want them to be anything for me.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you know her or is she just checking you out/being nosy? You could reset you social media with regard to who can see what content in terms of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc. No, they're just really nice people.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 17 hours ago, Gaeta said: Depends what's his view on it. He may be big on family and he likes a lot of mingling together, doesn't mean you have to talk about your relationship, that remains personal to you and him. I think interactig with his family is a great way to get to know him. She doesn't need to become your bff. I'm still friends with some of my ex(s) siblings from 25 years ago. Sometimes the romance go but the friendships you made along the way remains. Thank you. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, lol! I'm okay! I have PTSD...I need to take medication, but I'm okay, lol! Just don't feel sorry for me.
Will am I Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: But having the sister as a friend means nothing as far as commitment. You don't owe her anything. And you can defriend her if you and bf don't work out. This. Sounds like she’s trying to make you feel welcome. Maybe she heard nice things about you, maybe you have met and she likes you. There’re no commitment in a friend request on social media. Don’t overthink it.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: So this is just me, being Facebook “friends” with someone wouldn’t mean much to me. I am Facebook “friends” with many people - high school friends, friends of my brother, former coworkers, extended family members - and their extended family members… You can be Facebook friends with someone and still never talk to them! I personally wouldn’t let him read my journal. That, to me, would be very private. Good luck to you, keep going with the therapy and keep challenging that anxiety. There are so many good people in the world, it would be a darn shame if one really bad apple kept you from forming other relationships. Thanks. Despite the trauma, I'm working past it! Lol! It was a lot! I want to start fresh with someone new, lol! 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 10, 2022 Author Posted November 10, 2022 On 11/7/2022 at 6:03 PM, Gaeta said: Depends what's his view on it. He may be big on family and he likes a lot of mingling together, doesn't mean you have to talk about your relationship, that remains personal to you and him. I think interactig with his family is a great way to get to know him. She doesn't need to become your bff. I'm still friends with some of my ex(s) siblings from 25 years ago. Sometimes the romance go but the friendships you made along the way remains. Yes, we're friends...he needs to get himself together and that's about it. I don't believe in waiting on someone. I like to move on...if they really care, they wouldn't go anywhere.
Els Posted November 10, 2022 Posted November 10, 2022 Do you post a lot of personal stuff on FB? I wouldn't advise against doing that in the first place, but if you do, then it's probably not a great idea to add this person. But if you don't, then it really makes very little difference to accept their friends request.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 10, 2022 Author Posted November 10, 2022 2 hours ago, Elswyth said: Do you post a lot of personal stuff on FB? I wouldn't advise against doing that in the first place, but if you do, then it's probably not a great idea to add this person. But if you don't, then it really makes very little difference to accept their friends request. No...just random thoughts and things that happened to me.
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