homerun79 Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 43M Good morning, just joined on here in hopes of some honest advice from those who may have gone through what I'm going through right now. I've just gotten back into online dating after having been in a depressed rut for a while with life in general. Starting to feel great again with the attention of women and this one in particular just has that special something about her. She's 50, separated and has two grown kids (18/20) that she lives with every other week and then and the ex take turns on their own at the condo they got to make life easier on the kids during the transition. House is sold and she's placing offers on new places right now. Long story short, I'm thinking about her often and have strong feelings for her already based on how great we've gotten along during the phone calls and two date nights out so far. Haven't felt like this in a long time (maybe ever?), strong physical attraction for sure but her personality is just special, haven't spent time with someone like her before and it's overwhelming how much I want to see her/talk to her all the time if I could. Of course, she's busier than me and I just seem to struggle with being patient to see how things might unfold since it's so earlier in the relationship/friendship at this point. I'm one of those classic overthinkers and just looking for some insight into how others manage to play it cool and just let things happen naturally and if it's meant to be, things will work out right? Maybe it's the long stretches of loneliness that create this urge to want more time with her because it just feels so good and I've missed that feeling for long stretches between my relationships (never been married, couple 2 year relationships but those were almost 10+ years ago now). Maybe it's the dopamine overload or something but I have the temptation to want to meet other women at the same time to fill that emotional need that's getting to me. I met two other women in recent days and they just don't have that spark that the special one gave me but I suspect that she's not ready to get as serious as I would like to, or just isn't into me as much as I'm into her. Part of me thinks I should let her know sooner than later how I feel but that might scare her off and the thought of that is too much to bear. I'm sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea but I think this just all summarizes into me never feeling this way before in my life and not sure how to manage it. Maybe this is just part of being in love with someone and you have to accept the struggle that comes along with it if that makes sense. Happy to share more details but this post has gotten long as is it. Thanks for reading and please share any similar stories or advice that might help me relax a bit more and find peace with staying in the moment rather than regularly hoping/wishing that I could have more of those good feelings more often.
glows Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 You may be reading into this too much. She’s someone you just met so take her down from that pedestal. Some people are charmers and can charm a room in one night. They’re charismatic and know how to make you feel good and are good listeners. The truth is you’ve only seen her twice. Give this more time to build up and if you want, go on dates with other women but keep your mind open. Comparing everyone else to this woman is not a good idea. In the meantime stay busy with your own life and have your own hobbies and interests.
Weezy1973 Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 Yes would say it seems generally you’re getting ahead of yourself. It’s good that you’re continuing to date other women. Remember that a relationship isn’t supposed to be a cure for your loneliness. That’s not a partner’s responsibility. I definitely wouldn’t let this woman know how you feel yet. Continue to date other women. After 4 or 5 dates, then you can talk about dating exclusively if you still want to. She may say yes or no. You have no control over how she feels about you so worrying about it is a waste of your emotional energy. Just try to stay in the moment on your dates and enjoy them.
Alpacalia Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 Falling in love is stressful. Increased levels of cortisol. But it's fun too!
ShyViolet Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 4 hours ago, homerun79 said: I just seem to struggle with being patient to see how things might unfold since it's so earlier in the relationship/friendship at this point. This is not a relationship. This is someone you have been on two dates with. Yes you are getting way too invested in someone who you barely know and it's not healthy. It's fine to be excited about someone new but it's not a good thing to let yourself get caught up in distorted thinking and get so ahead of yourself like this. At this point you don't know her well enough to know if you're "in love" with her, or if you and her would be compatible for a relationship. This is the point where you are just getting to know someone to find out IF you would be compatible. And if you let yourself get so carried away and so obsessed with her this early, you will scare her off. It makes me wonder what your previous relationships and dating history was like. Because this type of behavior/thinking is usually more prevalent in younger, inexperienced people. Usually by middle age we know how dating works, we have more realistic expectations and are beyond this stage. 1
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2022 Posted November 7, 2022 You sound a little too thirsty. Take it slow because she's just starting out and may not be ready for a full blown relationship. You only had two dates, just breeeeeeath. I'm gonna go with Dopamine/limerence/infatuation.
Mike B. Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 I would bring it down a couple of notches and control my excitement. Absolutely don't go and confess your undying love to her. That will not work in your favor. This is just the beginning stages of dating. You really don't know her well but may feel like you do. Some people can go for well over a year before layers of their real personality is reached. Maybe you should date others for now to simmer down some. A couple of dates really is nothing. After you had about 10 dates then you can probably gain more solid footing. So make it to 10 dates. If you confess your undying love now, you probably won't make it to the 3rd date.
Author homerun79 Posted November 8, 2022 Author Posted November 8, 2022 Thank you so much to everyone for the excellent advice. The feedback gives me clarity on what I'm going through and how to manage my feelings. To answer some of those that were curious about my relationship history, I've had 2 relationships that were about 2 years and then a few 3 month ones. First one being around 21/22 years old. I go back to my parents divorcing at 13 years old and resenting my mom (so I'm told by her and my sister, I've hidden those memories I've learned) for leaving my dad. My mom is now on her 4th husband and they are good but the experts have suggested that these are traumas that will shape my emotions and relationship behaviours. I ended every one of my relationships as depression fueled by drinking and occasional drug use hurt the relationship but I haven't truly dug into that history to understand my behaviours and how to be more mindful in the future. I'm a good human being that just wants to be loved and find that special someone to love back, but my expectations and mindset have always been unrealistic and it's pushed me into a becoming unhappy in the long run after things get challenging. I know understand that relationships aren't going to be easy like they are in the 3 month honeymoon period and am up for the challenge in my next one to be more mindful of these important factors and not expect perfection or every day to be as good as the last.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 8, 2022 Posted November 8, 2022 One of the best things you can do for your dating life is to get that depression treated and really do some serious and continuous work on the drinking addiction. You in therapy? You going to some 12-step groups? You told doctors about your depression? Depression undermines self-confidence and patience and good judgment and on and on. And you make better decisions regarding dating.
glows Posted November 9, 2022 Posted November 9, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, homerun79 said: my expectations and mindset have always been unrealistic and it's pushed me into a becoming unhappy in the long run after things get challenging. What are some of these unrealistic expectations? Are you working on becoming sober (no drinking/no drugs)? Have you spoken to your doctor about any recurring low moods, feeling depressed? Edited November 9, 2022 by glows
Author homerun79 Posted November 9, 2022 Author Posted November 9, 2022 The depression has improved recently and I have been talking with professionals to find solutions that work for me aside from medication, waiting to hear back this week in fact. Drinking/drugs are no longer an issue fortunately, feeling great the last few weeks. In the past I just wanted the perfect life with the perfect girlfriend and stuff like that, when we got comfortable and gained weight in past relationships I lost my passion for life and the relationships. I've had an unhealthy relationship with myself and my body image since I was a kid, even though I'm in good shape now. The old habits and automatic thoughts/reactions are still there sometimes, I'm improving but these are deeply rooted habits after being bullied and embarrassed during high school from what I do remember. 1
glows Posted November 9, 2022 Posted November 9, 2022 (edited) So you have unrealistic expectations in a relationship and at the same time have old/automatic thoughts and negativity about yourself and memories when you were being bullied in the past? Do those professionals also know about the unhealthy relationship with yourself and body image? It will be difficult to be happy or satisfied in relationships if you’re not happy with yourself. Good for you for getting back into shape. It’s all about feeling good about yourself. Edited November 9, 2022 by glows
Author homerun79 Posted November 10, 2022 Author Posted November 10, 2022 I haven't really talked about my relationship with myself with the counselors but I'm aware that I need to have a healthy relationship with myself first. Thanks for the reminder that I should prioritize this relationship with myself to ensure I can be the best possible partner with someone else. Since you've been so helpful, feel free to share your top dating tips if you don't mind, I love learning and becoming a better person!
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