Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

At least read the replies 

Fair enough. If you think I misread what you were saying and it doesn't apply there's certainly no need to follow the advice.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

On our very first date too, he had told me that he will go to a female friends house and sleep on her couch. Then made a afake instagram account which had his name as his username and in the bio, was a girls name.  But he deleted the account.

And you still wanted to be with him?  Girl please.  Start getting interested in other guys on campus who actually want you.

Edited November 8, 2022 by stillafool

[Thunderburst]

22 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You have written that you were dating, and you called him your "partner" right at the beginning of your thread - but there is not a single example of you two ever functioning as a couple or having a shared past.

I don't think you have any idea about this guy's personal life or what goes on between his friends and him.  In this case, it doesn't matter.  He was sitting with them because he wanted to do that,  and  from your description, he was more interested in  that than dealing with you.  I'm sorry, I realize this is harsh, but I am just responding to what you wrote.

  

 You keep writing that he says he "still wants to talk."  But I don't think you've given any examples of him acting like he wants to talk.  All the communication you have shared is fighting and finger pointing (on your part).  He's not here to tell his side and I'm not taking his side.  As I said, he might be a mean person who is messing with you because you seem to be obsessed with him.  On the other hand, he could legitimately be frustrated and done with your behavior.  And you won't quit.

Either way, as long as you don't delete him, you are actively signing up for more of this.  Whatever it is.  So stop concerning yourself with whether he's "gaslighting," "manipulating" or whatever. Also stop worrying about things he "might" do if you delete him.  That's in your imagination.   He is not taking any initiative to be with you.  If you delete him this whole thing will be in your rear view mirror before you know it, even if there is a rough patch on the way.  The bottom line is that he is not going to use much of his energy on anything to do with this messy thing you guys have going on.

Good luck and try not to repeat this type of thing in your future.  

I'm not going to write full paragraphs of our relationship just to prove it to you.

Secondly, you dont even read the replies or the post because it was obvious why he sat with them and they are not his friends because 2 of them dont even know his name. So please stop trying to pretend you know better in this situation when you clearly dont.

I wont quit?

I was the one who had to tell him twice to stop saying hello and stopping me because whats the point of talking.

Funny enough that even after writing that I was going home, hes stopped me twice and my friend herself said that he kept checking my whatsapp to see if he was deleted or blocked. But you didnt read that either because if you did, you would know hes still taking initiative to talk. 

I like you painted a full picture of knowing everything when you actually have no idea of what you are writing about.

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

15 minutes ago, S2B said:

Have you ever had a boyfriend before him?

Yes for 4 years

[Thunderburst]

16 minutes ago, S2B said:

Too much drama. 
you want it over? Then end it! When it’s ended - that means you don’t interact any more! 
 

any interaction is just to fuel the fire/stir the pot/ be able to inflict more manipulation and abuse.

do NOT engage with him!

I already wrote I'm NOT engaging with him

[LynneVicious]

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I'm not going to write full paragraphs of our relationship just to prove it to you.

Secondly, you dont even read the replies or the post because it was obvious why he sat with them and they are not his friends because 2 of them dont even know his name. So please stop trying to pretend you better in this situation when you clearly dont.

I wont quit?

I was the one who had to tell him twice to stop saying hello and stopping me because whats the point of talking.

Funny enough that even after writing that I was going home, hes stopped me twice and my friend herself said that he kept checking my whatsapp to see if he was deleted or blocked. But you didnt read that either because if you did, you would know hes still taking initiative to talk. 

I like you painted a full picture of knowing everything when you actually have no idea of what you are writing about.

Op,

you are writing on an advice forum for advice. You are receiving it. Just because you don’t like the answers, should result in you getting defensive and lashing out. We can only respond to what you write and the information you supply. 

With that said, who cares how long he is looking at your WhatsApp profile. It’s inconsequential. From what you’ve written, he sounds mean and not that into you. So the advice that we are giving is to stop analyzing the small things he does and trying to figure out some hidden meaning behind them. 

This relationship ended  its best to block him, ignore him and delete him from your life  it’s k er and it doesn’t matter what he does from this point on  

 

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I'm not going to write full paragraphs of our relationship just to prove it to you.

That's fine.  But you haven't even written a sentence that shows the two of you ever interacting like people with a relationship. 

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Secondly, you dont even read the replies or the post because it was obvious why he sat with them and they are not his friends because 2 of them dont even know his name. So please stop trying to pretend you better in this situation when you clearly dont.

You don't know anything about these people and their personal relationships with this guy.  

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I wont quit?

Delete him.  That would be "quitting."  You are leaving the doors open and continuing to stir this pot of nothing.  That's NOT QUITTING.  

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I was the one who had to tell him twice to stop saying hello and stopping me because whats the point of talking.

That's inappropriate behavior.  On your part.  Adults do not tell other adults to "stop saying hello."  We act polite and carry on about our business.  Telling him to "stop saying hello" = you stirring the drama pot.  

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Funny enough that even after writing that I was going home, hes stopped me twice and my friend herself said that he kept checking my whatsapp to see if he was deleted or blocked. But you didnt read that either because if you did, you would know hes still taking initiative to talk. 

What your friend told you about this guy you dated a bit and his whatsapp is meaningless. You say you're in uni so you don't get a pass like a pre-teenager would.    It's ridiculous for you to be giving that any attention at all - AND for your friend to be sharing it with you.  How does she know about how often he looks at whatsapp and what is going on in his mind whenever he does look at it?   

All that means anything are your actual interactions with this guy.   Not stuff that other people have said or that comes from your imagination.

[Thunderburst]

4 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Op,

you are writing on an advice forum for advice. You are receiving it. Just because you don’t like the answers, should result in you getting defensive and lashing out. We can only respond to what you write and the information you supply. 

With that said, who cares how long he is looking at your WhatsApp profile. It’s inconsequential. From what you’ve written, he sounds mean and not that into you. So the advice that we are giving is to stop analyzing the small things he does and trying to figure out some hidden meaning behind them. 

This relationship ended  its best to block him, ignore him and delete him from your life  it’s k er and it doesn’t matter what he does from this point on  

 

This is not an advice when the poster is conveniently ommitting all the information posted in several replies and is specifically obsessed with knowing how or why I addressed him as a partner. Because thats not mentioned, its being made out like it wasnt even a relationship, we never dated etc etc. 

[Thunderburst]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's fine.  But you haven't even written a sentence that shows the two of you ever interacting like people with a relationship. 

You don't know anything about these people and their personal relationships with this guy.  

Delete him.  That would be "quitting."  You are leaving the doors open and continuing to stir this pot of nothing.  That's NOT QUITTING.  

That's inappropriate behavior.  On your part.  Adults do not tell other adults to "stop saying hello."  We act polite and carry on about our business.  Telling him to "stop saying hello" = you stirring the drama pot.  

What your friend told you about this guy you dated a bit and his whatsapp is meaningless. You say you're in uni so you don't get a pass like a pre-teenager would.    It's ridiculous for you to be giving that any attention at all - AND for your friend to be sharing it with you.  How does she know about how often he looks at whatsapp and what is going on in his mind whenever he does look at it?   

All that means anything are your actual interactions with this guy.   Not stuff that other people have said or that comes from your imagination.

Because we sit the same computer room (i dont now)  and my friend literally sits next to him on the computers. His whatsapp web is always open and she could see it considering how many times he was getting up and walking around after our argument. He had to submit on Monday but delayed it by Wed because throughout evening, he kept looking at Whatsapp every few minutes and walking around. 

Secondly, I worked with doctoral students on their monthly research journal part time so I know most of them in the room because it was my role to send emails to each of them for the research paper submissions and follow through with the journal. Thats how I met him. The 2 people dont know him and only 1 of them knew both of us. Have you read the replies I have given to others?

Saying to stop is not stirring drama. If someone has been disrespectful then there is no use of saying hello. He said it himself. I told him lets leave it here and walked away.

Why are you acting like you know more when you dont. I dont understand 

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[LynneVicious]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

This is not an advice when the poster is conveniently ommitting all the information posted in several replies and is specifically obsessed with knowing how or why I addressed him as a partner. Because thats not mentioned, its being made out like it wasnt even a relationship, we never dated etc etc. 

it certainly is advice, because it provides context to your relationship and the lead up to the incident you wrote about in your first post. 

from what you’ve written, it just doesn’t sound like a relationship for any amount of time. 4 months is enough time to know someone and communicate regularly. By you asking questions about his basic character makes the posters wonder why you don’t know him well enough to figure that out in your own. 

He was rude to you and you ended it. So it doesn’t matter what he’s doing now. 

 

[Thunderburst]

Just now, LynneVicious said:

it certainly is advice, because it provides context to your relationship and the lead up to the incident you wrote about in your first post. 

from what you’ve written, it just doesn’t sound like a relationship for any amount of time. 4 months is enough time to know someone and communicate regularly. By you asking questions about his basic character makes the posters wonder why you don’t know him well enough to figure that out in your own. 

He was rude to you and you ended it. So it doesn’t matter what he’s doing now. 

 

It is advice for an imaginary situation. Not for this situation.i haven't asked questions about his basic character. I began questioning myself when he said why I care if he insulted me if I didnt know the 2 other people and how its my perception that he was wrong. Thats what this question originally was about and for that, I have received helpful replies except this one who really wants to know why I called him a partner. 

[shellzbellz83]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

What the hell is wrong? When did I even say I am going to bad mouth him?

Writing a paragraph without even understanding that what you are writing about is a reply to seeking therapy not bad mouthing people. 

At least read the replies 

Why would you care about a therapist thinking you were jilted?

[Thunderburst]

11 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

Why would you care about a therapist thinking you were jilted?

In case they know him. But I wont ask about this topic because at this point, its pointless. Its finished and nothing can come out of it. If he he tries something, there is 1% chance of him actually realising his mistakes. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

How did your last relationship go, OP?

Was it as dysfunctional as this one? That's a sincere question, by the way.

[BaileyB]

Seven pages spent discussion an incident that would be an immediate dealbreaker for most people. 

And yet, here we are… seven pages later, talking about what your friend saw, and what the therapist thinks, and whether he will be angry if you block him, and whether he is ever going to change - all irrelevant, none of which do you control. I can’t fathom the time that you have wasted thinking about this guy OP - it’s time to move on…
 

[Thunderburst]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How did your last relationship go, OP?

Was it as dysfunctional as this one? That's a sincere question, by the way.

It was pretty good and it only ended because he passed away due to blood cancer

[Thunderburst]

42 minutes ago, S2B said:

Good! Also tell that person who lets you know how much he’s checking his phone to stop telling you.

you don’t need to know any info about this jerk.

Shes my friend though and she's not sitting next to him since today.  She moved seats

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

i haven't asked questions about his basic character.

Your original post: 

Quote

is this gaslighting or manipulative?

Questions about his basic character, you asked them.

3 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

Thats what this question originally was about and for that, I have received helpful replies except this one who really wants to know why I called him a partner. 

Sorry.  I've been hung up on you referring to him as your "partner" because your questions about whether he's gaslighting or manipulating you would be worth discussing if you two were in a relationship.  Since you aren't, and weren't, it's kind of a moot point.   I still don't know why you referred to him that way, but the reason probably has a lot to do with how he acts towards you.  

In any case, I truly hope you get to the point where you will be able to behave reasonably and say "hello" if you pass him in the hall, while at the same time deleting him from your contacts.  That's how it's done when we date someone and it ends unfortunately.  

 

 

[Thunderburst]

My fwb and the girl he liked spoke today and he denied deleting her number even when she asked him about it.

They fell out a few weeks ago due to him being very rude, aggressive and disrespectful and he was constantly playing mind games and he refused to take accountability for his actions. Eventually he said hello to her in passing a few times but a day ago, deleted her off whatsapp.

She sent him a text that she will be leaving university soon and would be happy to see him as she cared for him and does not want any hard feelings but he didnt reply

When he saw her, he said hello again and she stopped him for a chat. He agreed to chat with her and they spoke for a few minutes.

He told her he archived their chats but denied deleting it which is clearly a lie since she can't seen his last seen as it's only set to contacts Even though he deleted her number, when he saw her, he still said hello to her and then she spoke.

However, he kept saying he has no problems but proceeded to say that once you bake a cake, it cannot go back to how it originally was. When she asked him about how a simple conversation about why he leaves her on read and treated her badly became irreparable, he had no reply. When she told him that she liked him, he denied liking her and first said how he saw her as a friend then said he didn't see her as a friend and blamed her for feeling bad about how he disrespected her in front of people.

He said he has no anger, animosity and how he just wants to move on from being stagnated but then continued to say that nothing he did was his fault.

In the end, he agreed to talk to her normally as before and said he appreciates her coming to him, how it's a good attitude to have and how he appreciates her sentiment. So overall, he refused to take accountability and accept that it was his fault and continued to pretend he had no issues.

Why would he do this now? He deleted her then proceeds to say hello to her and then hears her out and said he will see her around in the next few days.

Why do this when he decided to cut off all interactions by deleting her?

Edited November 24, 2022 by Thunderburst

[basil67]

Did you ask him why he did it?

And a better question: why are you involved with a man who behaves like this?  You're going to get burned by him too. 

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Did you ask him why he did it?

And a better question: why are you involved with a man who behaves like this?  You're going to get burned by him too. 

He wont tell me. I thought he cut her off but turns out that the moment she asked him to come for a chat, he agreed and listened to everything she said and even when she asked him to come to the corridor for privacy, he went with her.

I dont understand this kind of behaviour.  He deletes her then goes to say hi and follows her like a puppy?

[NuevoYorko]

Why is any of this your business?   Are you taking his phone and looking at his private stuff when he's not paying attention?  

[Thunderburst]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why is any of this your business?   Are you taking his phone and looking at his private stuff when he's not paying attention?  

There was a fire alarm and I was sitting next to where they were chatting. I heard everything 

And I want to know why after deleting her ,I thought he cut her off but turns out he says hello and the moment she asked him to come for a chat, he agreed and listened to everything she said and even when she asked him to come to the corridor for privacy, he went with her.

 

I dont understand this kind of behaviour. He deletes her then goes to say hi and follows her like a puppy?

Edited November 24, 2022 by Thunderburst

[central]

Why do you care? As a FWB, this should not matter to you UNLESS you agreed to be exclusive FWB (which IMO is an unusual arrangement). It seems like you want more from him than FWB, as you are getting more involved in his life and relationships than is appropriate for a FWB.

[Thunderburst]

11 minutes ago, central said:

Why do you care? As a FWB, this should not matter to you UNLESS you agreed to be exclusive FWB (which IMO is an unusual arrangement). It seems like you want more from him than FWB, as you are getting more involved in his life and relationships than is appropriate for a FWB.

I care and that's not what's important.  I asked if he's truly moved on from her ot he's trying mind games to reel her back in?