Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[Thunderburst]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

In what way?  He doesn't talk to you, if he does he's rude and dismissive,  you both appear to particularly dislike one another.  And in your 3rd or 4th post you wrote 

.You claim you already broke up.

How are you "partners"?

I ve written this before that he still wants to talk.and no we dont dislike each other.

 

We were but not now.

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

He has no social media except whatsapp.

Why can't you block him on whatsapp?

[poppyfields]

I don't understand what you're thinking, everything discussed between a counselor at Uni or an outside therapist is confidential and private. 

Not to mention, it's not about HIM.  Or this particular situation.

It's about YOU and gaining insight into your own behavior and responses and what attracts you to toxic dysfunctional men and relationships in general. 

You're making excuses, which is typical  for abuse victims.  

Again I wish you luck. 

 

[Thunderburst]

Just now, stillafool said:

Why can't you block him on whatsapp?

I ve already addressed this before in one of the replies

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I ve written this before that he still wants to talk.

 

We were but not now.

Just because he still wants to talk doesn't mean you have to talk to him.  Decide what is best for you and stick to it.  Who cares what he thinks or wants?

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I don't understand what you're thinking, everything discussed between a counselor at Uni or an outside therapist is confidential and private. 

Not to mention, it's not about HIM.  Or this particular situation.

It's about YOU and gaining insight into your own behavior and responses and what attracts you to toxic dysfunctional men and relationships in general. 

You're making excuses, which is typical  for abuse victims.  

Again I wish you luck. 

 

I will seek help for myself but what do you think about the incidents in front of the other colleagues? 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I ve already addressed this before in one of the replies

Is this what you're referring to?  Why do you care how he reacts?  Close your privacy settings.  Tell you friend to stop reporting what he does to you.

 

2 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

I have deleted him but have opened my privacy settings because I am not sure how he will react. Because she did say that he would look through his whatsapp every 30 minutes and was very fidgety. He couldnt write everything so he extended his deadline by Wednesday 

 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I will seek help for myself but what do you think about the incidents in front of the other colleagues? 

Stop trying to analyze his actions.  It's clear you're obsessed with this guy.  Have you dated any other guys at your university?

[Thunderburst]

34 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Hes a doctoral student and he has started hanging out with other phd students especially the female students in front of whom he acts really nice. I feel like if I do talk to anyone, they will think I'm lying and jilted because he "rejected" me because he has people to back him up. The incident which led to our break up was that he acted like he isnt into me a lot and I'm after him (when he pretended to act shocked). 

Those female students seem to like him and have previously invited him to going out to drink which he went to as well.

So I feel that even if I do tell, who will believe me now?

One time he wasnt talking to me properly but then complimented one of the phd students as "looking good" in front of me and to another one, he began acting like hes close to her as when she told him that the guy friend with whom shes always hanging out went to Italy, he was like "you never told me he went to italy" even though they arent really friends.

On our very first date too, he had told me that he will go to a female friends house and sleep on her couch. Then made a afake instagram account which had his name as his username and in the bio, was a girls name.  But he deleted the account.

 

@stillafoolbecause of such behaviour

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

I already wrote that

Look, I wasn't there, but I'd point out that gaslighting seems to be a term that people love to overuse to make things seem worse than they actually are.

Were you questioning your reality and sanity over this?  Or was he just being a d-bag and then doubled down on it.  I wasn't there, but seems to me more like the latter. 

One minor instance of denying something for convenience doesn't make someone a gaslighter any more than a woman slapping her boyfriend on the shoulder once out of frustration makes her a physical abuser.

Anyhow, best of luck to you in your future relationships.

[Thunderburst]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Look, I wasn't there, but I'd point out that gaslighting seems to be a term that people love to overuse to make things seem worse than they actually are.

Were you questioning your reality and sanity over this?  Or was he just being a d-bag and then doubled down on it.  I wasn't there, but seems to me more like the latter. 

One minor instance of denying something for convenience doesn't make someone a gaslighter any more than a woman slapping her boyfriend on the shoulder once out of frustration makes her a physical abuser.

Anyhow, best of luck to you in your future relationships.

I do feel like I made a mistake because how he said why does it bother me if he acted like that

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I do feel like I made a mistake because how he said why does it bother me if he acted like that

You posted earlier his behavior and words caused you to question your own perception.

HE questioned your perception, making you feel like YOU were the crazy one for showing up at 4:00 pm after HE invited you to meet him at 4:00 pm.

THAT is gaslighting.

Go back and read my post explaining the difference between Perception and Reality.  

What happened was not your perception.  It happened, it was a fact.  Reality. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

You posted earlier his behavior and words caused you to question your own perception.

HE questioned your perception, making you feel like YOU were the crazy one for showing up at 4:00 pm after HE invited you.

THAT is gaslighting.

Go back and read my post explaining the difference between Perception and Reality.  

What happened was not your perception.  It happened, it was a fact.  Reality. 

I feel like mark thinks he was only being D bag so I wrote that. Because I did start feeling that maybe it wasnt a big deal of how he acted like how he was saying. Because he only said sorry that day while we were trying to sort out issues but the next time, he didnt apologise and instead said why do i feel everyone is out to get me and why does it bother me if i dont know those people

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[NuevoYorko]

I'm still flummoxed by you calling him your "partner" at the beginning.  Maybe he said he still wants to talk to you and hasn't deleted you, but that doesn't mean anything at all.  

Read your first paragraph, when you came up to him while he was having lunch with his friends.  That interchange is a picture of your relationship with him.  

What does being "partners" with this guy actually look like?  How do you share your lives together?  

Sounds like you're obsessed with him and that it's one sided.   He has not deleted you and at some point told you he still wants to talk to you (you've also said that he told you he does NOT want to talk to you, and that he doesn't reply to your texts ...)  Either way, that does not equal any type of romantic relationship, even casual dating.

He seems to behave like a jerk towards you.  He may be trying to get you off his back, or maybe he's being mean to you because he's an a****le.  

I have no idea about the guy, really.  He's not "gaslighting."  You need a much bigger connection with a person than he and you have with each other for "gaslighting" to happen.   

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I feel like if I do talk to anyone, they will think I'm lying and jilted because he "rejected" me because he has people to back him up.

Are you saying if you date other guys they will think this^?  I'm not sure what you are referring to.

26 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

So I feel that even if I do tell, who will believe me now?

Do tell what?

[Thunderburst]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm still flummoxed by you calling him your "partner" at the beginning.  Maybe he said he still wants to talk to you and hasn't deleted you, but that doesn't mean anything at all.  

Read your first paragraph, when you came up to him while he was having lunch with his friends.  That interchange is a picture of your relationship with him.  

What does being "partners" with this guy actually look like?  How do you share your lives together?  

Sounds like you're obsessed with him and that it's one sided.   He has not deleted you and at some point told you he still wants to talk to you (you've also said that he told you he does NOT want to talk to you, and that he doesn't reply to your texts ...)  Either way, that does not equal any type of romantic relationship, even casual dating.

He seems to behave like a jerk towards you.  He may be trying to get you off his back, or maybe he's being mean to you because he's an a****le.  

I have no idea about the guy, really.  He's not "gaslighting."  You need a much bigger connection with a person than he and you have with each other for "gaslighting" to happen.   

This is all an assumption because I clearly wrote we were dating. Secondly, those people arent really his friends as he barely interacted with them. We spoke mostly on the phone because text messages were always a problem especially when he would get annoyed.

We didnt live together but met each other everyday at uni and then went out 2 times a week.

I ve written multiple times that he was the one to stop me and say how harsh my message was and he still wants to talk. My friend told me he kept checking my whatsapp to see if I had deleted or blocked him after our arguments and how anxious and fidgety he was. He extended his deadline because of his anxiety too.

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you saying if you date other guys they will think this^?  I'm not sure what you are referring to.

Do tell what?

No i meant people 

Tell about him

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[introverted1]

On 11/6/2022 at 4:03 PM, Thunderburst said:

Dating 4 months.

You are making way too big a deal out of this. 

You dated for 4 months and discovered that there are things about him you don't like.  Just move on and find someone else to date.  There is no way a group of strangers on the internet, hearing only your version of events, can provide a psychological diagnosis of this guy.  Nor should it matter: you don't need community consensus to realise that someone isn't the right partner for you.

You seem to be struggling with letting go; perhaps there is a school counseling center you can avail yourself of?

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

No i meant people 

Tell about him

Are you reading all the posts? 

Again everything discussed between you and Uni counselor or outside therapist is confidential and private. 

And it's not about HIM.  Forget him, he is irrelevant.

It's about you and your attraction to dysfunction and toxic and the role growing up with an abuser father plays into that. 

Please seek professional help. 

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Thunderburst]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do not see him Wednesday. It’s over. Do not see him and do not talk to him.

be glad you got away from an abuser.

stop trying to make sense of his manipulation - it won’t make sense.

 

Not Wednesday.  We arent meeting. He extended his deadline till tomorrow because of our fall out

[Thunderburst]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You are making way too big a deal out of this. 

You dated for 4 months and discovered that there are things about him you don't like.  Just move on and find someone else to date.  There is no way a group of strangers on the internet, hearing only your version of events, can provide a psychological diagnosis of this guy.  Nor should it matter: you don't need community consensus to realise that someone isn't the right partner for you.

You seem to be struggling with letting go; perhaps there is a school counseling center you can avail yourself of?

Please read all replies 

[mark clemson]

14 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

No i meant people 

Tell about him

Ah, so you're going to now badmouth him to your social group?  Wonderful and super-healthy way to deal with a breakup. He tried to BS me one time, gotta warn the others!!

Please.

I sincerely think you need to look to your own tendencies in how you approach relationships - at least some of this seems like a good bit of "drama-generation". If you're done in a relationship, it's best to just move on. That's not gaslighting, that's advice to help you make more reasonable choices as you go forward in life.

The suggestion above to consider therapy to help get your own approaches to relationships sorted out might be worth considering. And that doesn't mean you have to accept what you feel is gaslighting from a partner. BUT, it's important that you have a non-distorted view of the relationship itself and are able to handle breakups with some level of aplomb.

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Please read all replies 

I did.  And that's why I wrote what I did. 

At 4 months, you are still in the early stages of dating. This is the time when you evaluate the other person to see whether they would make a good longer-term prospect. In your case, this guy displayed behavior you did not find appealing.  I suspect many of us would find his behavior unappealing.

The answer is to move on.  You are keeping the drama alive, both with your constant questions and observations about his behavior and even this thread, which is now 7+ pages long.

As long as you keep giving oxygen to the fire, the fire will continue to burn.

Edited November 8, 2022 by introverted1

[Thunderburst]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Ah, so you're going to now badmouth him to your social group?  Wonderful and super-healthy way to deal with a breakup. He tried to BS me one time, gotta warn the others!!

Please.

I sincerely think you need to look to your own tendencies in how you approach relationships - at least some of this seems like a good bit of "drama-generation". If you're done in a relationship, it's best to just move on. That's not gaslighting, that's advice to help you make more reasonable choices as you go forward in life.

The suggestion above to consider therapy to help get your own approaches to relationships sorted out might be worth considering. And that doesn't mean you have to accept what you feel is gaslighting from a partner. BUT, it's important that you have a non-distorted view of the relationship itself and are able to handle breakups with some level of aplomb.

What the hell is wrong? When did I even say I am going to bad mouth him?

Writing a paragraph without even understanding that what you are writing about is a reply to seeking therapy not bad mouthing people. 

At least read the replies 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[NuevoYorko]

41 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

This is all an assumption because I clearly wrote we were dating.

You have written that you were dating, and you called him your "partner" right at the beginning of your thread - but there is not a single example of you two ever functioning as a couple or having a shared past.

41 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Secondly, those people arent really his friends as he barely interacted with them. We spoke mostly on the phone because text messages were always a problem especially when he would get annoyed.

I don't think you have any idea about this guy's personal life or what goes on between his friends and him.  In this case, it doesn't matter.  He was sitting with them because he wanted to do that,  and  from your description, he was more interested in  that than dealing with you.  I'm sorry, I realize this is harsh, but I am just responding to what you wrote.

  

41 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

We didnt live together but met each other everyday at uni and then went out 2 times a week.

I ve written multiple times that he was the one to stop me and say how harsh my message was and he still wants to talk. My friend told me he kept checking my whatsapp to see if I had deleted or blocked him after our arguments and how anxious and fidgety he was. He extended his deadline because of his anxiety too.

 

 You keep writing that he says he "still wants to talk."  But I don't think you've given any examples of him acting like he wants to talk.  All the communication you have shared is fighting and finger pointing (on your part).  He's not here to tell his side and I'm not taking his side.  As I said, he might be a mean person who is messing with you because you seem to be obsessed with him.  On the other hand, he could legitimately be frustrated and done with your behavior.  And you won't quit.

Either way, as long as you don't delete him, you are actively signing up for more of this.  Whatever it is.  So stop concerning yourself with whether he's "gaslighting," "manipulating" or whatever. Also stop worrying about things he "might" do if you delete him.  That's in your imagination.   He is not taking any initiative to be with you.  If you delete him this whole thing will be in your rear view mirror before you know it, even if there is a rough patch on the way.  The bottom line is that he is not going to use much of his energy on anything to do with this messy thing you guys have going on.

Good luck and try not to repeat this type of thing in your future.