Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

No. You had a disagreement about how/when you communicate and how he acts WRT you in social situations.

You had, essentially, a lovers's quarrel, that apparently was/is a sign of genuine incompatibility.That's unfortunate, but labeling it gaslighting is an overreaction. Unless there's a lot more you weren't telling us, there seems to be no extended pattern of him trying to get you to "call into question your own reality".

I already wrote that he was saying why does it bother me if he acted like that in front of people if I dont know them, then said your perception is wrong, why do you feel everyone is out to get you when nothing like this was even mentioned. Then started saying hes getting very angry.

Edited November 7, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

He won't be able to reach you and that will be a good thing so you can get over him and move on with your life.  Why did you feel you have to talk to him before going no contact with him?  He cannot be your friend.  Will you be okay meeting and being around him and a new gf?  If you are friends that is what you'll be exposed to.  Can you handle that?  If not, you can't be his friends because you still have romantic feelings for him.

 

 Because I wanted to solve the issues of always leaving me on read and acting strange. I wanted to have a proper talk about why is their always problem with him not replying to my messages and if we should even continue this. How can I go no cotlntsct without even attempting to fix things?

He has refused to be friends. He did this prior to dating where he got angry over a text message when I told him that he will never reply to me, then he can tell me and I will stop bothering him. He then proceeded to deny that he had feelings for me, said he didnt like me, thought of me as a friend then acquaintance and when I accepted to be friends, he refused saying I never viewed this as a friendship

Edited November 7, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What he chooses to do is really not in your control at all.  He doesn't have to delete you if he diesn't feel like it, he might post crappy things about your online ... unfortunately,  he is free to do as he chooses.

What you are in control of is yourself and what kind of relationship you want to be a part of.  You must do what is necessary to cut the cord with this guy.  Even if unpleasantness results, it won't last forever.  He will move on and so will you. First, though, you need to cut him loose. 

I dont want to do anything myself first. He has never reacted well to anything and I dont want to cause more triggers so I have left it. If he moves on and deletes me, its better for me to block then.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

He has refused to be friends. He did this prior to dating where he got angry over a text message when I told him that he will never reply to me, then he can tell me and I will stop bothering him. He then proceeded to deny that he had feelings for me, said he didnt like me, thought of me as a friend then acquaintance and when I accepted to be friends, he refused saying I never viewed this as a friendship

If he's refused to be friends then that is all you need to hear to block, delete and walk away.  Keep your dignity and don't beg him for a conversation to explain why he's leaving you on read and not explaining things to you.  It's because he doesn't want to talk to you.  He's told you he doesn't want to be friends with you so what is the point of him explaining anything to you when you're not going to be in his life?   He has that right, why can't you accept that?  He's told you he doesn't even like you.  So what if he hasn't deleted you on social media.  Why are you still checking anyway?  Please stop chasing him.  You deserve a guy who actually wants you, this one isn't it and is making that clear.

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you refer to him as your "partner" in the first sentence of your OP?   

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

Because I wanted to solve the issues of always leaving me on read

Girl. No. 

If a man isn't replying to you prompty of his own volition, it's because he's not interested enough. Don't have "talks" about these things - just read it as a sign that he's not that into you, and walk away. 

7 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

He then proceeded to deny that he had feelings for me, said he didnt like me, thought of me as a friend then acquaintance and when I accepted to be friends, he refused saying I never viewed this as a friendship

It boggles my mind why the heck you let this guy back into your life after he said the above. I would have nothing to do with him ever again. I would strongly suggest you take time off dating and work on your self-esteem. You're hung up on a dude who barely likes you and treats you like crap. 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

 

 Because I wanted to solve the issues of always leaving me on read and acting strange. I wanted to have a proper talk about why is their always problem with him not replying to my messages and if we should even continue this. How can I go no cotlntsct without even attempting to fix things?

He has refused to be friends. He did this prior to dating where he got angry over a text message when I told him that he will never reply to me, then he can tell me and I will stop bothering him. He then proceeded to deny that he had feelings for me, said he didnt like me, thought of me as a friend then acquaintance and when I accepted to be friends, he refused saying I never viewed this as a friendship

There’s nothing to fix if he’s not even on speaking terms or friendly with you. You both work together so keep your distance and remain professional only. 

[Thunderburst]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why did you refer to him as your "partner" in the first sentence of your OP?   

Because he is

[Thunderburst]

2 hours ago, glows said:

There’s nothing to fix if he’s not even on speaking terms or friendly with you. You both work together so keep your distance and remain professional only. 

We were on speaking terns thats why we were dating. Its the messages that was always causing issues and he would always divert attention from it

[Thunderburst]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

If he's refused to be friends then that is all you need to hear to block, delete and walk away.  Keep your dignity and don't beg him for a conversation to explain why he's leaving you on read and not explaining things to you.  It's because he doesn't want to talk to you.  He's told you he doesn't want to be friends with you so what is the point of him explaining anything to you when you're not going to be in his life?   He has that right, why can't you accept that?  He's told you he doesn't even like you.  So what if he hasn't deleted you on social media.  Why are you still checking anyway?  Please stop chasing him.  You deserve a guy who actually wants you, this one isn't it and is making that clear.

We were dating and he has done this before were he lied to me and then later said my message to stop talking made him angry and hurt thats why he lied about not liking me and thats how we started dating. 

I'm not even chasing him? We are done I already wrote that. He stopped me on my way home and we argued again because he started blaming me for ending it and tried the same thing yesterday.

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl. No. 

If a man isn't replying to you prompty of his own volition, it's because he's not interested enough. Don't have "talks" about these things - just read it as a sign that he's not that into you, and walk away. 

It boggles my mind why the heck you let this guy back into your life after he said the above. I would have nothing to do with him ever again. I would strongly suggest you take time off dating and work on your self-esteem. You're hung up on a dude who barely likes you and treats you like crap. 

I'm not hung up. Hes the one trying to stop me and still trying to say something. He tried it again yesterday

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

We were dating and he has done this before were he lied to me and then later said my message to stop talking made him angry and hurt thats why he lied about not liking me and thats how we started dating

And this is all really messed up. 

In the futrue, stay away from guys like this. You will get nothing but drama and hassle. Cut them off earlier and don't give them another chance. Period. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I'm not hung up. Hes the one trying to stop me and still trying to say something. He tried it again yesterday

And did you ignore him and keep walking?

Or did you give him an audience and engage?

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And did you ignore him and keep walking?

Or did you give him an audience and engage?

I pretended to be on my phone the moment I saw him looking at me and then trying to say how I need to wait and hear him out.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How do you know each other? Work? School? 

Was it clear that you were in a relationship or was he nebulous and casual?

Avoid him as much as possible. Delete and block.

[Thunderburst]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And this is all really messed up. 

In the futrue, stay away from guys like this. You will get nothing but drama and hassle. Cut them off earlier and don't give them another chance. Period. 

When I had sent him the ending texts, his colleagues said himself that he put his head down on his desk for 2 hours, kept getting up and walking around and became very anxious. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I pretended to be on my phone the moment I saw him looking at me and then trying to say how I need to wait and hear him out.

That didn't really answer my question. 

Did you proceed to stand there and listen to him? Talk to him?

Because if so, it's safe to say that he also knows you're stil into him and he can get away with playing with your feelings.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

When I had sent him the ending texts, his colleagues said himself that he put his head down on his desk for 2 hours, kept getting up and walking around and became very anxious. 

So?

All that says is that he's a weirdo. Don't date weirdos who aren't very stable. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

I pretended to be on my phone the moment I saw him looking at me and then trying to say how I need to wait and hear him out.

That’s when you say you’re running late and need to run. Avoid him and block his contact. He doesn’t need to contact you outside of work/school/wherever you both are.

Keep all discussions to group discussions in a room where there are other employees or students and during work/school hours only. Don’t be anywhere around him alone and leave the room or area if he approaches to speak to you. File a report if he keeps harassing you. You choose to end this. It’s not the other way around especially with someone with poor boundaries and low impulse control. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

When I had sent him the ending texts, his colleagues said......

Do you still work together? 

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How do you know each other? Work? School? 

Was it clear that you were in a relationship or was he nebulous and casual?

Avoid him as much as possible. Delete and block.

Students at uni. Hes doing doctorate and I'm masters

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So?

All that says is that he's a weirdo. Don't date weirdos who aren't very stable. 

My friend who sits next to him in the computer room said he kept opening his whatsapp and looking at my chat to check if my pic and last seen is visible to him on both days of our fight and she said he was very anxious 

[Thunderburst]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How do you know each other? Work? School? 

Was it clear that you were in a relationship or was he nebulous and casual?

Avoid him as much as possible. Delete and block.

At uni

Yes he told me he wanted a relationship which was exclusive 

[Thunderburst]

2 hours ago, glows said:

That’s when you say you’re running late and need to run. Avoid him and block his contact. He doesn’t need to contact you outside of work/school/wherever you both are.

Keep all discussions to group discussions in a room where there are other employees or students and during work/school hours only. Don’t be anywhere around him alone and leave the room or area if he approaches to speak to you. File a report if he keeps harassing you. You choose to end this. It’s not the other way around especially with someone with poor boundaries and low impulse control. 

I cant keep conversations or discussions in groups because I dont know if he will try again to insult or embarass me. If 1 text can stir shch a reaction in him, who knows how he will react in group settings now that I asked him to stop saying hello to me.

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

He was using you for an ego boost in front of other people to make himself seem more important.

the guy is a jerk. Get rid of him!

Yes I told him that I understood his agenda that he either wanted to show how I'm chasing him but hes not really into me or he wanted to embarass me and he said my message was very harsh

Edited November 8, 2022 by Thunderburst