Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes thats why I pressed him to let us finally decide to never speak again

You don't need his permission to never speak to him again. 

It is clear at this point that you are hoping he comes back around. The question is, why don't you demand better for yourself and block this twerp completely? 

Have your previous relationships been this drama-filled and dysfunctional? 

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't need his permission to never speak to him again. 

It is clear at this point that you are hoping he comes back around. The question is, why don't you demand better for yourself and block this twerp completely? 

Have your previous relationships been this drama-filled and dysfunctional? 

 I just feel sad. Sometimes I did feel like he cared so I didnt want to end things but had enough so decided to end it thinking O deserve better and not someone who will only play games.

[ExpatInItaly]

You made the right choice ending it, but you need to block him completely. 

Do so with the knowledge that you'll never get a decent, healthy relationship with him. He doesn't care the way you want him to.

[poppyfields]

You need to get stronger, emotionally.

Otherwise, what happened with him will become a repeating pattern of dysfunction and toxicity in your life.

Start with building your self-esteem.  Having higher standards for yourself, demanding better for yourself. 

Love yourself first. 

The problem here is you're loving him more than yourself. I know this is what women have been taught, to put others before us.

That will always be a recipe for people using you for selfish purposes and manipulating you and sadly, sometimes abusing you. 

Try and move away from that mindset, it's not healthy. 

Other than your children, you are your first priority.

Ironically the men in your life will respect you more for it too. 

 

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Thunderburst]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You made the right choice ending it, but you need to block him completely. 

Do so with the knowledge that you'll never get a decent, healthy relationship with him. He doesn't care the way you want him to.

The only reason I havent blocked him is because if he reacts like this when angered over a simple message which was only a plea then what will he do if block him?

[Thunderburst]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You need to get stronger, emotionally.

Otherwise, what happened with him will become a repeating pattern of dysfunction and toxicity in your life.

Start with building your self-esteem.  Having higher standards for yourself, demanding better for yourself. 

Love yourself first. 

The problem here is you're loving him more than yourself. I know this is what women have been taught, to put others before us.

That will always be a recipe for people using you for selfish purposes and manipulating you and sadly, sometimes abusing you. 

Try and move away from that mindset, it's not healthy. 

Other than your children, you are your first priority.

Ironically the men in your life will respect you more for it too. 

 

 

You are right. I finally decided that this is not what I deserve or want in my life. Hence, ending it otherwise I wanted to keep this cycle going by not saying anything. But the feelings got too much for me to bear and the constant anxiety and stress made me feel like he doesnt care much about me. Then made the decision to finish this because it wasnt going anywhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

The only reason I havent blocked him is because if he reacts like this when angered over a simple message which was only a plea then what will he do if block him?

Again, as I said before, I believe you are over-thinking this. 

I don't think he cares anywhere near that much. You are making excuses for yourself to keep a door open. 

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, as I said before, I believe you are over-thinking this. 

I don't think he cares anywhere near that much. You are making excuses for yourself to keep a door open. 

I deleted his number. Didnt block but deleted. He's the one keeping the door open by not doing so. He knows I deleted him because my profile picture is visible only to contacts so now that he can't see it, he ll know I removed him. He still hasnt. Maybe he will in the next few days considering hes busy writing a paper 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I deleted his number. Didnt block but deleted.

Exactly. You didn't block. 

If you were serious about ending this, you would. Deleting is meaningless if you don't also block the number. It is clear you want to hear from him again and are afraid to block him not because of the reaction you're telling yourself he will have, but because then you won't know if he tries to get in touch. 

It's time to get real with yourself.

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I deleted his number. Didnt block but deleted. He's the one keeping the door open by not doing so. He knows I deleted him because my profile picture is visible only to contacts so now that he can't see it, he ll know I removed him. He still hasnt. Maybe he will in the next few days considering hes busy writing a paper 

Blocking and deleting takes effort and it would appear he doesn't care enough to make that effort. 

It's the opposite of what you're thinking - that he's not deleting because he still cares.

He's so indifferent, he can't be bothered to block and delete, he simply doesn't care enough to make the effort.

I'm so sorry, I know that hurts.

Time will heal your hurt I promise.  And you'll be stronger for having experienced it, another promise. 

Hugs. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

I just feel a bit sad because at times he showed care.  I lost my pet and he was quite nice, saying how hes sorry to hear it, hugged me and made me feel cared for. Sonetimes, I felt like he did care but then when he reacted like this, I was left with no choice to but leave.

No, you were not.

even the worst abusers show care at times - that’s the cycle of abuse. They can’t abuse all the time, or the victim would leave.

When you see a red flag like he has shown, you recognize that for what it is and you leave. Just because he once showed care doesn’t negate the fact that he has issues with anger management, impulse control, communication, and conflict resolution. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

Prior to dating him, I had tried to end talking to him because he wouldnt reply and leave me on read and he reacted by saying he had no feelings for me, how he saw me as a friend or acquaintance then when I agreed to be friends, he said he didnt consider this as a friendship.

Then after 3 months he came back saying hes ready for a relationship and how he cares. I agreed but the behaviour remained the same. After I sent him the last final text, he did look upset and was not coming online much but yes didnt care enough to feel things deeply.

Is this a narcissist?

Why did you even say yes?

[Thunderburst]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, you were not.

even the worst abusers show care at times - that’s the cycle of abuse. They can’t abuse all the time, or the victim would leave.

When you see a red flag like he has shown, you recognize that for what it is and you leave. Just because he once showed care doesn’t negate the fact that he has issues with anger management, impulse control, communication, and conflict resolution. 

What is your opinion on him hitting the trashcan with his foot? I didnt understand it

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Why did you even say yes?

I liked him and I cared for him so I said yes and was scared to be alone

[Thunderburst]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Blocking and deleting takes effort and it would appear he doesn't care enough to make that effort. 

It's the opposite of what you're thinking - that he's not deleting because he still cares.

He's so indifferent, he can't be bothered to block and delete, he simply doesn't care enough to make the effort.

I'm so sorry, I know that hurts.

Time will heal your hurt I promise.  And you'll be stronger for having experienced it, another promise. 

Hugs. 

 

Then I shouldnt have deleted it either? Because that showed him that I care enough to delete?

 

Thanks. I hope so but I think its just hard to find a good person now in this fake, superficial world.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

What is your opinion on him hitting the trsshcan with his foot? I didnt understand it

He was angered and annoyed at what he perceived to be your weakness.

For one, by keeping him around when he knows full well he's a *. 

And not standing up for yourself. 

Would he be wrong about that? 

He has no respect for you.

I'm glad you found the strength to leave, next time it might have been your face he punched. 

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Thunderburst]

Just now, poppyfields said:

He was angered and annoyed at what he perceived to be your weakness at keeping him around when he knows full well he's a *.

Would he be wrong about that? 

He has no respect for you.

I'm glad you found the strength to.leave, next time it might have been your face he punched. 

 

He was very passive aggressive throughout. Giving fake smiles to calm his anger, then saying its making him angry and then this.

I was going home and then I saw him and he kept looking at me, smiled and nodded. Even after I ended it. But the conversation proved otherwise because he began blame shifting then why even look or nod 

[Stret]

5 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

Each time I tried to express myself, he acts really aggressive. He said that its pissing him off when I mentioned how some of his actions have hurt me, and even said its crossing limits. 

When I tried to hold his arm to calm him down, he started budging me away to not hold him

Your first sentence here is the reason alone why you should break this relationship up. Instead of trying to repair him or prove to him who was wrong, just leave and close the door for him. 

Yes, he might be gaslighting you. Even if he weren't - you cannot express yourself without being attacked. Who wants to be with someone like that? He will never change, don't expect that. 

He seems aggressive too - kicking a thrash bin, budging you away... a matter of time before he breaks something bigger or even hits you. Why are you allowing him to treat you that way? Just because he comes back and says something nice, it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't respect you and you don't respect yourself either (sorry) by being with him. 

Oh I just saw you ended it - good for you. It was the right choice and he was nobody to not be able to get over quickly. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Stret
Didn't read the whole thread

[BaileyB]

 

52 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

What is your opinion on him hitting the trashcan with his foot? I didnt understand it

Seriously? Why do people punch walls and kick trash and - displaced and redirected anger. Maybe next time, he will hit you instead of kicking the trash can. 

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

Because I'm a bit scared. If my text evokes such a reaction in him (when it was his behaviour that made me decide), that he has to go around and humiliate me in front of people and the episode of denying feelings, again because of the text, he can do things that can cause harm if I block?

As  you described this encounter, you walked into that situation and started arguing with him.   His reaction is completely unacceptable.  But what does any of this matter?  You're obviously done with each other.  Stop the bleeding and move on.  

[glows]

7 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

We had already decided on Friday which is when I had sent the text asking him to end this if he doesnt want me to bother him because he had left me on read as usual. 

He told me hes happy to speak on Monday. So we decided and not once through his messages did I feel like he was angry. On Monday, I texted him and he asked me to come to the staff common room to see him at 4pm when he would be having his lunch.

I agreed but was a bit disturbed seeing staff common room as a meet up place as multiple staff members go there to eat and we cant talk. However, I didnt argue and went there at 4. 

I saw that he was having lunch with 4 people and then I texted him saying I'm going there. He didnt reply. I had to go to him physically, and tap him on his shoulder and he looked shocked as if why I am there. All 4 people were looking at me as if I came uninvited.  I told him I sent you a message and he replied oh I didnt check even though his phone was next to him. Then I got angry and said you called me here at 4 and he was like OK! In an irritated tone. 

 

We can’t tell you if he’s a narcissist but you know that even after four months of dating and being coworkers he has no respect or any self-restraint. Please cut your losses in the sense that you try to divert your energy elsewhere, don’t keep going back or letting him take up residence in your mind or heart.

Regardless of how this started, it’s best to let it go and remain professional as you work together. If you run into him keep it very bland and cordial. Leave the room if he wants to make small talk and just say you’re busy and leave.

Edited November 7, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

I think its just hard to find a good person now in this fake, superficial world.

It isn't, really. 

There are a lot of good guys out there. But you won't find them if you waste time with bad apples like this one. You need to get a better sense of your own self first, as right now, you are too dependent on the guy to call the shots. You don't appear to have much self-respect or firm boundaries, and the wrong guys will absolutely take advantage of that. 

When you're in a better place, you'll feel confident enough not to allow guys like this in your life just so you can have a boyfriend. 

 

[mark clemson]

On 11/6/2022 at 8:21 AM, Thunderburst said:

Is this gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

No. You had a disagreement about how/when you communicate and how he acts WRT you in social situations.

You had, essentially, a lovers's quarrel, that apparently was/is a sign of genuine incompatibility.That's unfortunate, but labeling it gaslighting is an overreaction. Unless there's a lot more you weren't telling us, there seems to be no extended pattern of him trying to get you to "call into question your own reality".

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/6/2022 at 9:57 AM, Thunderburst said:

I have. He hasnt deleted me which is why it bothers me

What he chooses to do is really not in your control at all.  He doesn't have to delete you if he diesn't feel like it, he might post crappy things about your online ... unfortunately,  he is free to do as he chooses.

What you are in control of is yourself and what kind of relationship you want to be a part of.  You must do what is necessary to cut the cord with this guy.  Even if unpleasantness results, it won't last forever.  He will move on and so will you. First, though, you need to cut him loose. 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

The only reason I havent blocked him is because if he reacts like this when angered over a simple message which was only a plea then what will he do if block him?

 He won't be able to reach you and that will be a good thing so you can get over him and move on with your life.  Why did you feel you have to talk to him before going no contact with him?  He cannot be your friend.  Will you be okay meeting and being around him and a new gf?  If you are friends that is what you'll be exposed to.  Can you handle that?  If not, you can't be his friends because you still have romantic feelings for him.