Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[poppyfields]

Just now, Thunderburst said:

Yes it was confirmed to meet and he read my message and replied yes come at 4pm. Even then he was sitting with a few people and then acted completely shocked

OK, thanks for clarifying. 

Frankly though, I'm wondering why you're questioning yourself.

What exactly are you questioning?

You KNOW what happened, it's clear as day.  He was playing a mind-game, that's all it was. 

The only thing you should be questioning is why you haven't dumped his arse. 

I would encourage you to do so asap and put him and this entire situation behind you. 

[Thunderburst]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OK, thanks for clarifying. 

Frankly though, I'm wondering why you're questioning yourself.

What exactly are you questioning?

You KNOW what happened, it's clear as day.  He was playing a mind-game, that's all it was. 

The only thing you should be questioning is why you haven't dumped his arse. 

I would encourage you to do so asap and put him and this entire situation behind you. 

That was I wrong in this situation and was it really my perception that was flawed?

I have done it. I told him that from now its nothing and judging by how angry he was getting and kicking the trashcan and we decided not to talk, he agreed but then i saw that im still not deleted. For someone who hates me so much, he should be the first to do it

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

He came back 3 months later saying he got angry and now wants to be in a relationship. Stupidly, I agreed

Reflect if you want this type of shabby treatment. It doesn't matter what you may call it, he's making you feel unimportant and disrespected.  Stop texting or chasing him.

[shellzbellz83]

This is someone who has treated you poorly (both privately and publicly) and doesn't seem to care whether you continue this relationship or not. So yes, you did the right thing. Based on what you've shared, I doubt this guy cares enough to spread malicious rumors about you. 

[shellzbellz83]

23 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes but he didnt delete me?

I don't think he cares enough to delete you. 

[Thunderburst]

7 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

This is someone who has treated you poorly (both privately and publicly) and doesn't seem to care whether you continue this relationship or not. So yes, you did the right thing. Based on what you've shared, I doubt this guy cares enough to spread malicious rumors about you. 

 

6 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

I don't think he cares enough to delete you. 

But he said that text to stop talking on friday made him angry?

[Thunderburst]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reflect if you want this type of shabby treatment. It doesn't matter what you may call it, he's making you feel unimportant and disrespected.  Stop texting or chasing him.

Yes I told him straightaway and he was trying to push the blame on me by saying he doesnt have an opinion over ending it but he started losing patience and then finally said yes that we wont talk anymore

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes I told him straightaway and he was trying to push the blame on me by saying he doesnt have an opinion over ending it but he started losing patience and then finally said yes that we wont talk anymore

He's angry because you guys are broken up and you keep questioning it and wanting to talk.  I agree with the poster who said he probably doesn't even care enough to delete you at this point or he was having such a great weekend he hasn't even gotten around to it yet.  It will help you to heal and move on if you stop checking to see if he's deleted your or not.  Stop caring and go out and have fun.

[shellzbellz83]

37 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

 

But he said that text to stop talking on friday made him angry?

Then said he didn't have an opinion on continuing the relationship and didn't put up a fight when you broke up. Those are not the actions of someone who cares. 

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

Each time I tried to express myself, he acts really aggressive.

That's abuse. If you can't communicate, then it's time to vacate.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

That was I wrong in this situation and was it really my perception that was flawed?

No, you weren't wrong.  Again, you know what happened, you know what the reality was - he invited you to meet him at 4:00 pm, it was confirmed, you showed up and he he looked at you like you were crazy.  Told you it was all in your head. 

He got angry, kicked a trashcan. 

THAT is the reality, the truth, facts, NOT your perception. 

Stay firm in the reality of situations  and you'll be OK.  Do not allow him or anyone to destroy what you know IS the reality, the facts. 

Manipulators (like him) try and break those weaker than they are.  Thats they're game, to gain control over others (you in this case).

It's malicious and cruel. 

DON'T allow, stay strong and firm in the truth. The reality. 

If you can do that, you can never be gaslighted or manipulated even though people will try.  

"What is the difference between Perception and Reality?

Perception is the way/how a person understands something and different people may have different perceptions for the same thing. Realty, on the other hand, is the truth and the actual existence of something."

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

3 hours ago, Thunderburst said:

 

 

Because he kept saying its all in my head, why do I think everyone is out to get me, why do I care about what people dont know me think of me when he did what he did.

Prior to dating, I had tried to stop talking to him in a similar fashion (because he used to leave me on read) and he resorted to telling me that he doesnt like me, treated me as a friend but when I countered him, he said you are not a friend, you are not an acquaintance and I never saw this as a friendship. 

He came back 3 months later saying he got angry and now wants to be in a relationship. Stupidly, I agreed

Yes, he was manipulating you. Look at the back and forth here. He knows you have feelings and has been toying with you for awhile. Stay away from people like this. He was likely getting back with you after someone else dumped him or he was feeling lonely. He also says things he doesn’t mean when he’s angry and kicks trash cans? What is it you see in him?

The guy never cared that much for you. He still doesn’t care. He doesn’t even care what you think. You were too much work in a relationship or rather a relationship was too much work for him. He’s already moved on to the next vulnerable person with low self-esteem. You did the right thing. Stop wasting your time trying to figure him out. 

When you’re ready, date again and avoid individuals who toss you around this way.

[BaileyB]

It doesn’t matter if he was wrong to ignore you in front of his friends (which was rude BTW), when he can’t talk with you without become angry and physically acting out - it’s time to end it. Full stop. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes I told him straightaway and he was trying to push the blame on me he started losing patience and then finally said yes that we wont talk anymore

How long were you dating? How old is he? He seems sort of like an egotistical bozo, no?

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

It doesn’t matter if he was wrong to ignore you in front of his friends (which was rude BTW), when he can’t talk with you without become angry and physically acting out - it’s time to end it. Full stop. 

Yes each time I expressed my feelings because of how he reacted, he was like this is pissing me off, its crossing limits, its making me angry and then he kicked the trashcan and was trying to hold his rage because we were outside in public

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? How old is he? He seems sort of like an egotistical bozo, no?

Dating 4 months.  Prior to dating, I had tried to end talking to him because he wouldnt reply and leave me on read and he reacted by saying he had no feelings for me, how he saw me as a friend or acquaintance then when I agreed to be friends, he said he didnt consider this as a friendship 

Hes 26

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[glows]

Don’t keep expressing your feelings on deaf ears or a rotted mind, OP. Cut your losses. 

The final expression is walking away. You don’t need to worry about him anymore.

[Thunderburst]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, he was manipulating you. Look at the back and forth here. He knows you have feelings and has been toying with you for awhile. Stay away from people like this. He was likely getting back with you after someone else dumped him or he was feeling lonely. He also says things he doesn’t mean when he’s angry and kicks trash cans? What is it you see in him?

The guy never cared that much for you. He still doesn’t care. He doesn’t even care what you think. You were too much work in a relationship or rather a relationship was too much work for him. He’s already moved on to the next vulnerable person with low self-esteem. You did the right thing. Stop wasting your time trying to figure him out. 

When you’re ready, date again and avoid individuals who toss you around this way.

Prior to dating him, I had tried to end talking to him because he wouldnt reply and leave me on read and he reacted by saying he had no feelings for me, how he saw me as a friend or acquaintance then when I agreed to be friends, he said he didnt consider this as a friendship.

Then after 3 months he came back saying hes ready for a relationship and how he cares. I agreed but the behaviour remained the same. After I sent him the last final text, he did look upset and was not coming online much but yes didnt care enough to feel things deeply.

Is this a narcissist?

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t keep expressing your feelings on deaf ears or a rotted mind, OP. Cut your losses. 

The final expression is walking away. You don’t need to worry about him anymore.

Yes thats why I pressed him to let us finally decide to never speak again. Because even after my last text, he still looked at me and nodded to me while I was leaving.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes each time I expressed my feelings because of how he reacted, he was like this is pissing me off, its crossing limits, its making me angry and then he kicked the trashcan and was trying to hold his rage because we were outside in public

That would have been the exact moment that I walked away. No more talking - done. 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes each time I expressed my feelings because of how he reacted, he was like this is pissing me off, its crossing limits, its making me angry and then he kicked the trashcan and was trying to hold his rage because we were outside in public

Stop blaming him, faulting him.  Yes he's an ass however YOU need to own your role too which is actually more important than him being an ass.

YOU are the one choosing to remain in this toxic mess of a relationship with a manipulative jerk.

Why?  

That's what your focus should be on, your own self and your own choices.

You can't control others and how manipulative they are, you can only control your own response to their jerk behavior.

How?

By leaving!  Bye, next!  Done. 

Don't ever allow him to return no matter what he says or does - that's manipulative on his part and emotionally strong people do not allow themselves to be manipulated.

Take some time to think about that and stop blaming him or any other man you date. 

Hold yourself accountable for your own choices.

Take steps to become emotionally healthier and stronger so you can make wiser choices. 

Good luck moving forward, without him! 

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Is this a narcissist?

Is anyone here qualified to do a psychological assessment of a man that we have never met? No.

Dont get lost in the labels. His behavior was unacceptable, you did the right thing to end it. Time to look forward, not behind. 

Why can you not just walk away?

Edited November 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Thunderburst]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No, you weren't wrong.  Again, you know what happened, you know what the reality was - he invited you to meet him at 4:00 pm, it was confirmed, you showed up and he he looked at you like you were crazy.  Told you it was all in your head. 

He got angry, kicked a trashcan. 

THAT is the reality, the truth, facts, NOT your perception. 

Stay firm in the reality of situations  and you'll be OK.  Do not allow him or anyone to destroy what you know IS the reality, the facts. 

Manipulators (like him) try and break those weaker than they are.  Thats they're game, to gain control over others (you in this case).

It's malicious and cruel. 

DON'T allow, stay strong and firm in the truth. The reality. 

If you can do that, you can never be gaslighted or manipulated even though people will try.  

"What is the difference between Perception and Reality?

Perception is the way how a person understands something and different people may have different perceptions for the same thing. Realty, on the other hand, is the truth and the actual existence of something."

 

We had already decided on Friday which is when I had sent the text asking him to end this if he doesnt want me to bother him because he had left me on read as usual. 

He told me hes happy to speak on Monday. So we decided and not once through his messages did I feel like he was angry. On Monday, I texted him and he asked me to come to the staff common room to see him at 4pm when he would be having his lunch.

I agreed but was a bit disturbed seeing staff common room as a meet up place as multiple staff members go there to eat and we cant talk. However, I didnt argue and went there at 4. 

I saw that he was having lunch with 4 people and then I texted him saying I'm going there. He didnt reply. I had to go to him physically, and tap him on his shoulder and he looked shocked as if why I am there. All 4 people were looking at me as if I came uninvited.  I told him I sent you a message and he replied oh I didnt check even though his phone was next to him. Then I got angry and said you called me here at 4 and he was like OK! In an irritated tone. 

 

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Stop blaming him, faulting him.  Yes he's an ass however YOU need to own your role too which is actually more important than him being an ass.

YOU are the one choosing to remain in this toxic mess of a relationship with a manipulative jerk.

Why?  

That's what your focus should be on, your own self and your own choices.

You can't control others and how manipulative they are, you can only control your own response to their jerk behavior.

How?

By leaving!  Bye, next! 

Take some time to think about that and stop blaming him or any other man you date. 

Hold yourself accountable for your own choices.

Good luck moving forward, without him! 

 

I have ended it with him. 

The problem is he hasnt deleted my number. That usually signals that he will try something again because thats what he has been doing.

Even though I sent the text to him on Wednesday ending it completely, he still nodded and said Hi to me yesterday even though I was walking away.

Before dating, when he pretended to friendzone me, he didnt delete then came back 3 months later wanting to be together.

So I feel that after so much annoyance and falling out, hes still keeping it, he ll try something again.

[Thunderburst]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is anyone here qualified to do an assessment of a man that we have never met. No.

Dont get lost in the labels. His behavior was unacceptable, you did the right thing to end it. Time to look forward, not behind. 

I just feel a bit sad because at times he showed care.  I lost my pet and he was quite nice, saying how hes sorry to hear it, hugged me and made me feel cared for. Sonetimes, I felt like he did care but then when he reacted like this, I was left with no choice to but leave.