Gaslighting or was I wrong?

[Thunderburst]

My partner called me to see him two days ago at 4pm. I agreed to meet him but when I went to see him, he was already sitting with a few people and having lunch with them. I texted him that I'm coming but he didn't reply. Ultimately, I went to him and tapped him on the shoulder, he acted like he was completely shocked. All the other people were looking at me and it was so embarassing. I told him I messaged him and he said he didn't check his phone in front of people. I got irritated and said that he called me and he replied OK in an annoyed way. This all happened in front of those people.

I asked him why he acted like that and he was like if you dont know these people then why does it bother you how I acted. He continued to say that its all in my head, how I'm acting as if everyone is out to get me and my perception is the problem. When I told him how his behaviour was unacceptable, he said how he's going to get very angry if this conversation continues and then kicked a trashcan.

He even said that my text message last week (where I asked him that we should stop talking to each other if he won't reply to my texts) made him very angry. The reason I sent him the text was because he has a habit of leaving me on read and not replying. So i finally told him that if he doesn't want to continue this, we should stop. He was apologising that day but when we spoke, he said my text made him angry and how I'm acting like he owes me to text back or meet up.

When I told him that we should stop talking, he was like I dont have an opinion on this.

Is this gaslighting and manipulative?

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Is this gaslighting and manipulative?

Does it matter what you call it?

It is obvious that you are not happy but don't have the courage to dump him. The question is, why not? 

[Thunderburst]

Each time I tried to express myself, he acts really aggressive. He said that its pissing him off when I mentioned how some of his actions have hurt me, and even said its crossing limits. 

When I tried to hold his arm to calm him down, he started budging me away to not hold him

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Does it matter what you call it?

It is obvious that you are not happy but don't have the courage to dump him. The question is, why not? 

I did it but he was telling me how he has no opinion over it and while I have deleted him off my social media and whatsapp, he still didnt even after he agreed that we wont talk again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop focusing on his reactions, and instead concentrate on ending this and moving on.

You're not happy so it's best to remove him in every way possible from your life. 

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Stop focusing on his reactions, and instead concentrate on ending this and moving on.

You're not happy so it's best to remove him in every way possible from your life. 

I need to know if he actually has faults because I am questioning myself, if I was truly wrong and blamed him for nothing.

 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I did it but he was telling me how he has no opinion over it and while I have deleted him off my social media and whatsapp, he still didnt even after he agreed that we wont talk again.

So what if he doesn't have an opinion about it.  Why does it matter?  You got your point across.

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So what if he doesn't have an opinion about it.  Why does it matter?  You got your point across.

 

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I need to know if he actually has faults because I am questioning myself, if I was truly wrong and blamed him for nothing.

 

This is what I need to know 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I need to know if he actually has faults because I am questioning myself, if I was truly wrong and blamed him for nothing.

 

Stop questioning yourself and trust your instincts.  It just seems like he doesn't care one way or the other.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I need to know if he actually has faults because I am questioning myself, if I was truly wrong and blamed him for nothing.

 

I would ask yourself why that is. You shouldn't need a group of strangers to tell you what behaviour is acceptable or not in your relationship. What's happened to your own sense of self?

But to be clear, there is no way I would continue with a guy who gets so pissed off that he kicks a garbage can. Leave the angry little punks for someone else to deal with. 

[Thunderburst]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I would ask yourself why that is. You shouldn't need a group of strangers to tell you what behaviour is acceptable or not in your relationship. What's happened to your own sense of self?

But to be clear, there is no way I would continue with a guy who gets so pissed off that he kicks a garbage can. Leave the angry little punks for someone else to deal with. 

 

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Stop questioning yourself and trust your instincts.  It just seems like he doesn't care one way or the other.

 

Because he kept saying its all in my head, why do I think everyone is out to get me, why do I care about what people dont know me think of me when he did what he did.

Prior to dating, I had tried to stop talking to him in a similar fashion (because he used to leave me on read) and he resorted to telling me that he doesnt like me, treated me as a friend but when I countered him, he said you are not a friend, you are not an acquaintance and I never saw this as a friendship. 

He came back 3 months later saying he got angry and now wants to be in a relationship. Stupidly, I agreed

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

He came back 3 months later saying he got angry and now wants to be in a relationship. Stupidly, I agreed

Not the best decision on your part, no. 

But you have done the right thing cutting this off. I would not have the patience for a guy like this. 

[Thunderburst]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Not the best decision on your part, no. 

But you have done the right thing cutting this off. I would not have the patience for a guy like this. 

I think he was trying to push the decision on me that its me whose ending this but I had to finally ask him and like I mentioned that he was saying hes getting angry at the conversation and after this conversation he also doesnt want to talk, I asked him and then again he said he has no opinion. But I did ask that if hes so angry and has so many issues then its best we dont talk and then he said ok.

I deleted his number but I can see his last seen on Whatsapp which is set to his contacts only. So he hasn't removed me

[stillafool]

Bottom line is you know it is not all in your mind how he is treating you.  Who cares what he thinks anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Thunderburst said:

I think he was trying to push the decision on me that its me whose ending this

I would be happy to take responsibility for the decision to dump a guy like this. What's wrong with being the one who pulled the plug?

 

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would be happy to take responsibility for the decision to dump a guy like this. What's wrong with being the one who pulled the plug?

 

Because I'm a bit scared. If my text evokes such a reaction in him (when it was his behaviour that made me decide), that he has to go around and humiliate me in front of people and the episode of denying feelings, again because of the text, he can do things that can cause harm if I block?

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Thunderburst said:

he can do things that can cause harm if I block?

Like what? 

[Thunderburst]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Like what? 

Malicious rumours, posting things online etc. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Malicious rumours, posting things online etc. 

That's why it's better for your mental health to stay off line.  Those that love you and matter won't believe those rumors.  So what if he denies feelings.  Stop giving him so much energy.

[Thunderburst]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That's why it's better for your mental health to stay off line.  Those that love you and matter won't believe those rumors.  So what if he denies feelings.  Stop giving him so much energy.

I have. He hasnt deleted me which is why it bothers me

[poppyfields]

51 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I need to know if he actually has faults because I am questioning myself, if I was truly wrong and blamed him for nothing.

 

That's precisely what gaslighting is - causing another person to question their own behavior, motives and sometimes their own sanity! 

It's hard to say if he's gaslighting because we are only hearing your side.  To answer your question, we would have to hear HIS side too. 

However, based on what you posted - that he invited you to meet him at a specific place at 4:00 pm, you showed up at the place at that time, he was with other people and acted shocked to see you, yes it looks like gaslighting but it's still hard to know.

Did you respond to his invite to meet?   Was it confirmed?

I feel like some context is missing. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

I have. He hasnt deleted me which is why it bothers me

Eh, he'll move on quickly. It doesn't sound like he particularly cares that the relationship is over. I wouldn't worry about it that much. 

[Thunderburst]

47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's precisely what gaslighting is - causing another person to question their own behavior, motives and sometimes their own sanity! 

It's hard to say if he's gaslighting because we are only hearing your side.  To answer your question, we would have to hear HIS side too. 

However, based on what you posted - that he invited you to meet him at a specific place at 4:00 pm, you showed up at the place at that time, he was with other people and acted shocked to see you, yes it looks like gaslighting but it's still hard to know.

Did you respond to his invite to meet?   Was it confirmed?

I feel like some context is missing. 

Yes it was confirmed to meet and he read my message and replied yes come at 4pm. Even then he was sitting with a few people and then acted completely shocked

Edited November 6, 2022 by Thunderburst

[Thunderburst]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Eh, he'll move on quickly. It doesn't sound like he particularly cares that the relationship is over. I wouldn't worry about it that much. 

Yes but he didnt delete me?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Thunderburst said:

Yes but he didnt delete me?

So?

This doesn't necessarily mean anything. You're likely reading too much into that. Block him so you can be done and not tempted to see if he's deleted you.