do men feel more connected if they open up/show vulnerability?

[Runninggirl]

Not a spesific situation, but more a general question.

Based on my previous experiences with men in general, both those Ive been interested in, and not interested in, has been that the men that feel like they can open up and be vulnerable with me quickly catch feelings/gets hooked. 

Im not sure its love, but more that men are taught they have to be stoic and hard and not show too much emotion, that the relief of having someone to actually talk makes them feel connected and confuse this with infatuation. I more often experience this with guy friends, because Im more comfortable being open and honest with them than someone Im dating - where there are actual stakes, they reciprocate and open up, and they admit they are in love with me. 

I also had an ex boyfriend who broke up with me over text. I told him I wanted that talk done in real life. When we met up the relationship was already over, so it was much easier to be really open and honest about everything we should have talked about before. We ended up having a three hour conversation where he for the first time really just talked without feeling embarrassed or awkward, just admitted to all the things that he had felt throughout the relationship. He was the one who ended it, but when he left he was a complete mess. We cut off contact as one should, and he took it way harder after, regretted everything, missed me like crazy and felt so lonely without me. 

So Im curious about how you guys feel about this? 

And also, is volunerbility in women attractive?

As a woman I feel more connected to the guy, but I dont catch feelings for a guy friend just because I feel like I can open up, but maybe because I also have girlfriends to talk to? 

[NuevoYorko]

20 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

 

Based on my previous experiences with men in general, both those Ive been interested in, and not interested in, has been that the men that feel like they can open up and be vulnerable with me quickly catch feelings/gets hooked. 

Love can't exist without vulnerability.  That is a part of love.  If he's not vulnerable he is not in love.  You might not be aware of the vulnerability though, and individuals are unique.   Some men are generally more that way.  Simply being vulnerable does not indicate that they are in love and "hooked."   

[salparadise]

Quote

do men feel more connected if they open up/show vulnerability?

Yes, probably. Of course you don't know if it's cause or effect, or if it's just coincident. Every man is different so I don't think that such broad generalizations are the key to knowing what makes men tick. But people (men and women) who are more open with their feelings (tolerate vulnerable) are more likely to attach with others because capacity for love and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin.

I've had female friends that I felt okay disclosing my feelings to, yet had no inclination to fall for them. I've also had girlfriends that I was okay being vulnerable with... but I've learned that it's a mistake to disclose too much too soon –– because they're always processing and judging and may not receive information as intended. Also, when one goes all-in before the other is ready it can kill mystique and attraction. Timing is important, and couples usually need to progress on about the same timeline.

Edited November 5, 2022 by salparadise

[Gaeta]

Vulnerability cannot be forced/asked out of someone. You have to create a safe environment within the relationship that says 'your feelings are safe with me'. It's created with time & actions. If each time your bf expresses an opinion or a feeling and he's critisized then he'll never allow himself to be vulnerable with you. Some people take more time to let themselves being vulnerable it depends on their upbringning and past trauma. They may need a lot more security to open up if, let's say, they were abandonned in childhood, others live their life being an open book. I don't think men fall in one category or another. I think it's about connection and feeling secure in your relationship. 

[Ami1uwant]

46 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Not a spesific situation, but more a general question.

Based on my previous experiences with men in general, both those Ive been interested in, and not interested in, has been that the men that feel like they can open up and be vulnerable with me quickly catch feelings/gets hooked. 

Im not sure its love, but more that men are taught they have to be stoic and hard and not show too much emotion, that the relief of having someone to actually talk makes them feel connected and confuse this with infatuation. I more often experience this with guy friends, because Im more comfortable being open and honest with them than someone Im dating - where there are actual stakes, they reciprocate and open up, and they admit they are in love with me. 

I also had an ex boyfriend who broke up with me over text. I told him I wanted that talk done in real life. When we met up the relationship was already over, so it was much easier to be really open and honest about everything we should have talked about before. We ended up having a three hour conversation where he for the first time really just talked without feeling embarrassed or awkward, just admitted to all the things that he had felt throughout the relationship. He was the one who ended it, but when he left he was a complete mess. We cut off contact as one should, and he took it way harder after, regretted everything, missed me like crazy and felt so lonely without me. 

So Im curious about how you guys feel about this? 

And also, is volunerbility in women attractive?

As a woman I feel more connected to the guy, but I dont catch feelings for a guy friend just because I feel like I can open up, but maybe because I also have girlfriends to talk to? 

 

Im of the latter.  I wasn’t raised on the idea of don’t show feelings or emotions.

 

opening up is different.  Thsts sharing your deepest things. That takes time and you might now all the skeletons in the closet.

 

im not going to open up until I truely feel safe and not have it turn into a fight.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[smackie9]

You totally just described the friends zone. Yes guys look at women opening up as part of intimacy. Many guys get confused by it. When a girl had opened up to them they took it as a green light that the girl was into them, but found out they were in the friends zoned. They felt fooled with, lied to, led on. I go to explain to them that women and men think differently. Women can easily be emotionally attached without any romantic feelings, and that's tough for guys to comprehend because showing vulnerability is a form of intimacy to them. Just the way life is.

So in future, open up with female friend instead. If you really like the guy, then go for it. Any guy you have no romantic interest in, don't get into the deep conversations or you will have a puppy on your hands.

Edited November 5, 2022 by smackie9

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

You totally just described the friends zone. Yes guys look at women opening up as part of intimacy. Many guys get confused by it. When a girl had opened up to them they took it as a green light that the girl was into them, but found out they were in the friends zoned. They felt fooled with, lied to, led on. I go to explain to them that women and men think differently. Women can easily be emotionally attached without any romantic feelings, and that's tough for guys to comprehend because showing vulnerability is a form of intimacy to them. Just the way life is.

So in future, open up with female friend instead. If you really like the guy, then go for it. Any guy you have no romantic interest in, don't get into the deep conversations or you will have a puppy on your hands.

im not talking necessarily where I open up, more so if THEY feel safe to open up or be vulnerable. A few examples:

- A male friend of mine, we have been friends for over ten years, and he has also dated one of my best friends a few years ago, went through a horrible break up after a long term relationship. He felt like his whole world was shattered and a mutual friend told me it would be a good time for me to reach out because he needed friends around him. I did, and we went for a walk because he just needed to get out of the house. As we were walking he told me he had never ever felt this desperate before, so much that he actually tried to confide in his guy friends, only to be met with them being uncomfortable with him being so honest and vulnerable. After our walk he asked if we could do it again, because it got him out of the house. For two weeks, every day I would show up at his house to get him out after break fast. Only so he could air out, talk, just "get it out". All I did was listen.

After a while I noticed he was starting to get attached. And he also made a move a while later. 

- My exes friend mother died, and after the funeral I was the only one with a car, so I offered to drive him home. He asked if I could come in and just eat a bit with him. We did, and for two hours straight he poured his heart out, he didnt even really know me that well, because my ex and him wasn't so close, so we had only met on a few occasions. He never asked a single question about me (which is obviously ok). After that he kept wanting to me, he started texting and calling me. Not in any romantic way, but he would confide in me with all sorts of feelings, both regarding his mother but also other areas in life. Never did he seem to be much interested in getting to know me. After a while, he told me he had feelings, and felt so connected, and got so mad when I rejected him out of respect for my ex and that I didnt have the same feelings. 

- Another ex of mine told me that it was so hard to let me go, because "no one knows him like I do", which is insane, because I never felt like he opened THAt much up, but he was VERY closed off to his male friends. He told me it was so difficult to let go because he felt so lonely after I was gone, because he had no one to talk to when he was down. 

[Runninggirl]

Another: I also found all my exes that broke up with me to be more in love with me after we had the break up conversation, seemingly because that's when they actually addressed the issues, shared how they felt, and had a really heartfelt conversation. 

Im just trying to improve my future relationships. Ive been posting several bad experiences over the past few years here, and I think one of my main issues is that Im bad at giving the people I date the safe feeling that they can open up with me. So Im wondering if that could be something important to work on. Just trying to make the bad experiences learning experiences! 

Communication issues are usually the main killer in my relationships. I also tend to attract what some people describe as "avoidants" OR I somehow make them avoidant maybe. Because I lack the skill to share my needs and express my boundaries. 

[Gaeta]

In the 2 exemples you're giving it talks about men there were already in a vulnerable phase, this has nothing to do with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable within  a relationship. In both your situations both men we're seeking 'to feel better' because the phase was difficult to deal with. It's not about falling in love. If you had pursued any of these 2 situations they would have ended shortly after. That's why we always say to not date people that are freshly out of relationships, they are going through a series of complicated mourning phases and they can easily misinterprete what they're feeling. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Communication issues are usually the main killer in my relationships. I also tend to attract what some people describe as "avoidants" OR I somehow make them avoidant maybe. Because I lack the skill to share my needs and express my boundaries. 

Identifying our weaknesses in relationships is a great step ahead, bravo for having that inner converstion with yourself. Establishing boundaries is something we practice little by little, start with little things and you'll find yourself slowly progressing toward bigger boundaries. Bounderies do not need to be expressed in a negative or agressive manner. They can be expressed with love and respect which will inspire respect.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

@RunninggirlI think when a man meets a woman who creates an emotionally safe environment for him to open up and share fears, anxieties, and/or other uncomfortable emotions, or anything really, without feeling judged and criticized, that is very powerful for him. 

[ ] 

I got married a few months ago and my husband experienced this "entitlement" from women which caused him to want to go his own way too. 

Then he met me.  I never asked or even expected him to be emotionally open with me, but rather I chose to be open and vulnerable with him (which is my nature, something that comes naturally to me ) which made him feel safe opening up with me. 

Never once did I negatively judge or criticize which he told me women prior to me had.  Some rejected him because of it!!

[ ] 

Anyway, he fell in love with me very fast, and I with him and we married after only six months.

So yes, a man feeling emotionally safe, opening up, allowing himself to be vulnerable is powerful and can mean the difference between him viewing her as a casual gf or a serious gf.

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gender bashing/no sources

[Weezy1973]

Op were you interested in the men romantically that opened up to you? 
 

I suspect for men it’s more of a case of while a long term romantic partner must be someone they can open up to, being able to open up to someone doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to romantic interest. 

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Any guy you have no romantic interest in, don't get into the deep conversations or you will have a puppy on your hands.

This goes in the notable quotes file ;)

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Another: I also found all my exes that broke up with me to be more in love with me after we had the break up conversation, seemingly because that's when they actually addressed the issues, shared how they felt, and had a really heartfelt conversation. 

 

How do you know they were "more in love" with you after you broke up?   Unless you ended up sticking together I can't see how you are able to quantify their love after the relationship has ended.

It seems that you are attributing the feeling many of us get when we are having a good, connected communication with being "in love."  It's not that.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Because I lack the skill to share my needs and express my boundaries. 

Just be a good listener. That's all it takes. Try not to overcomplicate things. You as well should feel like you can speak freely. But dating is not therapy and too much of that type of thing infused into a relationship creates dysfunction.

[NuevoYorko]

Your best bet at this stage is to be in the present moment with men you are dating, or interested in romantically.  If you're busy trying to decipher their behavior and figure out whether it means they might be in love or something like that, you're probably about to start projecting rather than actually taking in what is being shown to you. 

 

[Runninggirl]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How do you know they were "more in love" with you after you broke up?   Unless you ended up sticking together I can't see how you are able to quantify their love after the relationship has ended.

It seems that you are attributing the feeling many of us get when we are having a good, connected communication with being "in love."  It's not that.  

Because typically they wanted to end things with me, they were cold and distant and "done". I always expected them to meet up with me in person and give me "closure" immediately. I wanted a mature, calm conversation, just plain respect not to be broken up with over text etc. Often this led to a deeper talk, where they shared way more than I could get them to do during the relationship, because I wasn't afraid to ask questions, because I was no longer afraid of the answer or the awkwardness. I got the closure, the answers, and I led them to the door and wished them the best. 

They all responded with different levels of regret and desperation after, claiming I was the love of their life, told me how unhappy they were, how depressed they were, they started reaching out a lot, and were a lot more emotional in the way they spoke, much more open and honest. They would all tell me how much they loved me way more after the relationship was over, than before. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I always expected them to meet up with me in person and give me "closure" immediately. I wanted a mature, calm conversation, just plain respect not to be broken up with over text etc. 

And you were able to do that because you had not allowed yourself to fall deeply for them. The one that loves less is always the one wanting to play friendly at the end.

Obviously these men loved you and that's why they experienced emotional distress at the end. Ask yourself why you don't / didn't experience the same heartbreak. 

 

 

[poppyfields]

What's interesting is you fell hard for the last guy you dated, allowed yourself to feel emotional and vulnerable and HE was the elusive one who held back and is now gone. 

Which would suggest you're able to feel emotional and vulnerable with the men who don't feel emotional or vulnerable with you but with men who DO feel emotional and have feelings, you turn off. 

Do you have any insight into why that is?

Your username is also quite telling. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

They all responded with different levels of regret and desperation after, claiming I was the love of their life, told me how unhappy they were, how depressed they were, they started reaching out a lot, and were a lot more emotional in the way they spoke, much more open and honest. They would all tell me how much they loved me way more after the relationship was over, than before. 

Wow.  They ALL did this? Sounds like you have a whole village full of lovesick ex boyfriends.  Why are you still single?  More importantly, why were you recently with a man who showed little interest in you?

[Will am I]

16 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

So Im curious about how you guys feel about this?

Yes, your perception is accurate. 

Emotional conversations definitely bring a sense of closeness.

Is don’t think that’s unique for men though.

16 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

And also, is volunerbility in women attractive?

Yes, definitely.

A person who can switch between being stong and independent most of the time but open and vulnerable sometimes is attractive.

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

. They would all tell me how much they loved me way more after the relationship was over, than before. 

I'm not s fan of relationship postmortems or exit interviews.

The time to talk about what's going on is during the relationship, not after.

The reason is that if someone dumps you, their opinion is skewed and therefore useless and self-serving.

Dragging breakups out is not a good idea, especially if they use lines to keep someone in the FWB zone.

Basically people don't break up with someone they care about and then tell them after the fact that they love them more after the break up.

It simply makes no sense and at best seems manipulative and gratuitous.

Talk and listen freely during a relationship. Have you ever heard the adage about closing the barn door after the horses escaped? Well postmortem relationship discussions are that to a tee.

[glows]

21 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Another: I also found all my exes that broke up with me to be more in love with me after we had the break up conversation, seemingly because that's when they actually addressed the issues, shared how they felt, and had a really heartfelt conversation. 

Im just trying to improve my future relationships. Ive been posting several bad experiences over the past few years here, and I think one of my main issues is that Im bad at giving the people I date the safe feeling that they can open up with me. So Im wondering if that could be something important to work on. Just trying to make the bad experiences learning experiences! 

Communication issues are usually the main killer in my relationships. I also tend to attract what some people describe as "avoidants" OR I somehow make them avoidant maybe. Because I lack the skill to share my needs and express my boundaries. 

I see what you mean and can see the wheels turning here. That’s an interesting thought.

I would say focus on this: Be more mindful of open communication while dating and being comfortable and yourself.

Keep in mind also that mutually respectful and decent partners won’t always be making you feel nervous or uneasy. It will happen very naturally without you having to second guess or wonder about the person’s intentions.

Be discerning also when screening and dating. Someone may be attractive to you but we’re not going for just attraction in looks. Take a good look at what they do overall and what they stand for. 

[Weezy1973]

22 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Another: I also found all my exes that broke up with me to be more in love with me after we had the break up conversation, seemingly because that's when they actually addressed the issues, shared how they felt, and had a really heartfelt conversation. 

How many exes are we talking here? It seems unlikely that they’d all dump you, then talk to you about why, and then fall in love with you. So maybe you’re projecting a bit? Did you get back together with any of them after they fell in love with you because they told you why they dumped you?

[poppyfields]

@RunninggirlI think what's more likely is these men always loved you, but dumped you because they didn't feel safe opening up and talking to you. 

Perhaps they felt you would negatively judge or openly (or silently) criticize them for their vulnerable feelings.  

Or they weren't feeling anything back from.you. 

Once it was over, you then felt safer opening up and/or listening and by doing so, that is when they felt safer verbalizing their already existing feelings. 

Just a theory but something you might want to consider and explore.

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by poppyfields