trust_iseverything Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I have been married for 5 years and we have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. The marriage has been pretty good, of course, it had its ups and downs. About a month after starting our relationship, my wife to be at the time, blatently lied to me about something. I told her that the most important thing to me is trust and conveyed to her that I would rather she told me the truth no matter how much she tought it would hurt me than to lie to me. Three years later we were married. However, along our 5 years of marriage there have been other instances of blatant lying and being deceitfull, not telling me everything. I also discovered that she was brought up in a disfunctional family where lying is almost part of life. I find it difficult now to trust anything that she tells me. I wonder to myself, is she telling me the truth, is there something that she is not telling me. On top of all of this, I think that she has had an affair about a year ago. She left on a flight today to go to the town where we used to live, in order to see some friends. However, the guy that she had an affair with also lives close to there. Before she left, she was acting very suspicious. I think she may go visit him while she is over there. I don't think she is in love with this guy, I think she is having fun. I know some of you are saying, why am I still with her if trust is so important to me and she cheated on me. Well, she is a pretty good liar and I could never find proof of her relationship. I wouldn't want to end a marriage based on instinct. I did ask her if she had an affair but of course, she said no. So where is all this leading? well, from her actions and after finding suspicious phone number in her mobile phone. I am now comtemplating leaving her. But should I leave her based on this? Should I think about this some more? should I find more proof, if that's possible?
Moose Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 So, you didn't know, after 3 years of dating or getting serious that your wife was from a dysfunctional family? Why did you feel it neccessary to share that bit of information....that's null and void. And even if she is.....what does that matter? You're already married to her. You'll have to except the fact that your wife isn't going to be perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect wife or husband. Why is she visiting friends? Just to visit? No occasion? Strange Phone number on cell? Affair one year ago? Proof?I wouldn't want to end a marriage based on instinct.Well then, don't seperate either. I'm not sure about the statistics, but personally, I see more seperations wind up in divorce rather than it being a solution.
a4a Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Listen Trust, You were lied to in the past by her correct? So one cannot blame you for having your hair raised from time to time. I have fleeting moments of distrust as well, carried over from past relationships.....(my issue not husbands). So it is understandable that you expect this behavior from her. Did/or can you really forgive her for the past affair if she had one? Under what conditions did you get married? What are all these lies involving? As for proof of an affair.........well I have been down this road with friends and within my own life one time with a LTR. It was discovered based on instinct. Odd behavior. He wanted to be caught though. It was easy to figure out and confront, just added up the evidence.......I admit in the end it was the best thing he could have done for me. Now on the other hand I have helped friends find out about affairs going on behind their backs. Got a great photo on Thanksgiving morning with friends husband holding hands with mistress in park......the judge loved the photo. He was gold digging.... the judge made sure it did not pan of out for him. However there is no reason to jump to conclusions......you could just be bringing up past feelings. Still ticked off about the lies and looking to pin them on something new? Looking to verify your affair theory of the past? If you ask your wife will probably get stonewalled. If you have a phone number you can do a reverse look up quite easily.......you can pay to have #s traced too if it is a cellphone. You can read a cellphone bill and look for odd numbers. http://www.anywho.com is a good place to start. Now you probably should not go down this road unless you are willing to risk your relationship. You may be wrong about the whole thing. However I can understand your "instinct" comment. (not much help HUH?) Your lack of trust is your issue..... if she is cheating then you have to decide how to handle it.....stay, leave, or get help. If she is not cheating you need to figure out why you still don't trust her. I think you are right that you cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. This will probably carry over into another relationship as well if you did leave her. So either way you have to deal with it like it is your issue now. You have to be responsible for your feelings. How was that for a middle of the road comment......... like driving in a traffic circle? LOL! a4a
lilmoma1973 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Trust, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you but i can so relate to what you are feeling after the cheating especially with all the other lies that she is still giving you.. I still find my h telling little white lies and alot of times it is hard for me to believe anything he says anymore!! That stem from my trust issues with him!! Do you think she cheated on you? Have you asked her ? Why do you think she is going to visit the guy that you think she cheated on you with ? Did you have evidence that she did in fact cheat?
Author trust_iseverything Posted October 26, 2005 Author Posted October 26, 2005 So, you didn't know, after 3 years of dating or getting serious that your wife was from a dysfunctional family? Why did you feel it neccessary to share that bit of information....that's null and void. And even if she is.....what does that matter? You're already married to her. Moose, no I didn't know because her family were living in a different country than we were. I only meet them a few times. And I think it does matter, if someone is brought up in a family like this, they learn to lie from an early age and this stays with them throughout their life. I think the point I was trying to make is that it probably is not her fault that she lies to me. She probably believes it is better to lie than to tell the whole truth, as this is how her family behaves. You'll have to except the fact that your wife isn't going to be perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect wife or husband. I'm not looking for perfection, I'm just looking for trust and loyalty. I really don't think that is a big order or has society come to a point where marriage vows and monogamy doesn't mean anything to anyone? Did/or can you really forgive her for the past affair if she had one? Under what conditions did you get married? What are all these lies involving? I think it would be difficult but not impossible to forgive her as long as she would come clean. That is the worst part she would never admit to any wrong-doing. We got married under normal circumstances. One of the lies involved her coming home late from work one evening. When I called her she said she was stuck in traffic because a trailer had tipped over on the freeway. Which seemed fine, until the next morning when I was looking at the newspaper and there was a picture of the trailer tipped over but about 10 miles south of where she even gets on the freeway. I pointed this out to her and she said the paper must have made a mistake! I later verified that the paper was not wrong. However there is no reason to jump to conclusions......you could just be bringing up past feelings. Still ticked off about the lies and looking to pin them on something new? Looking to verify your affair theory of the past? Yes, you could be right here, a4a. and I truly do hope I am jumping to conclusions.
Author trust_iseverything Posted October 26, 2005 Author Posted October 26, 2005 Trust, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you but i can so relate to what you are feeling after the cheating especially with all the other lies that she is still giving you.. I still find my h telling little white lies and alot of times it is hard for me to believe anything he says anymore!! That stem from my trust issues with him!! Do you think she cheated on you? Have you asked her ? Why do you think she is going to visit the guy that you think she cheated on you with ? Did you have evidence that she did in fact cheat? Hi lilmoma1973, funny enough she is actually gone to your state to visit friends, to wilmington. Yes, I thought she had cheated on me but because I wasn't sure I just put it out of my mind and hoped that I was wrong. The reason it has surfaced again is because the suspicious number that was on her phone had the area code and prefix of the town where he is from. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to write it down, otherwise I could have done a reverse lookup. If she is going to see him again, I'm not sure why she would be, maybe for some fun, some exitment. Overall, she seems pretty happy in our marriage.
Moose Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 if someone is brought up in a family like this, they learn to lie from an early age and this stays with them throughout their life.This isn't entirely true in all cases though.I think the point I was trying to make is that it probably is not her fault that she lies to me.Then why ignore the problem? This is something that she needs help, from you, to overcome. You're her life partner, you are there to build her up and help her with these problems.I really don't think that is a big order or has society come to a point where marriage vows and monogamy doesn't mean anything to anyone?You really don't want me to answer this.....but since you asked. Society is doing a great job destroying what Marriage was intended to be. Situation like yours needs to be adressed and worked out between the two involved. Comminication with your wife, building a working relationship is what is needed. It just seems to me that you've been, "getting along", rather than building a personal relationship with each other.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Hi lilmoma1973, funny enough she is actually gone to your state to visit friends, to wilmington. Yes, I thought she had cheated on me but because I wasn't sure I just put it out of my mind and hoped that I was wrong. The reason it has surfaced again is because the suspicious number that was on her phone had the area code and prefix of the town where he is from. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to write it down, otherwise I could have done a reverse lookup. If she is going to see him again, I'm not sure why she would be, maybe for some fun, some exitment. Overall, she seems pretty happy in our marriage. Trust , You really need to know whether or not she cheated on you for your sanity or it will drive you crazy not knowing!! I suggest you and your wife go to counselor to work on her lying issues !! Moose is right what he said you two need t work on the relationship as a whole not just getting along.. More communication would be needed in this marriage and being open and honest and a counselor can help teach you how to get to the truth of the matter of this cheating issue also.. I know that trust and communication,loyalty and honesty is the main thing i want inmy marriage and min is lacking as well .. We been to counseling but haven't been in a while counselor stepped on h's toes and made him cry and i think it made him feel like less than a man!! The main thing i have learned is always never to give up marriage is a 100/100 not a 50/50 as doctor Phil would say!! If both parties aren't willing it won't work:( ... It takes two people to make or break a marriage!! Good luck pm me if you would like to talk
Author trust_iseverything Posted October 26, 2005 Author Posted October 26, 2005 Then why ignore the problem? This is something that she needs help, from you, to overcome. You're her life partner, you are there to build her up and help her with these problems. I definately try to build her up I always tell her how smart she is and push her a little to do things that she thinks that she cannot do. But I don't know how to go about helping her stop lying. I have talked to her about it and she sees now how most of her family lies and deceit each other. She even tells me that she doesn't want to be like that. Comminication with your wife, building a working relationship is what is needed. It just seems to me that you've been, "getting along", rather than building a personal relationship with each other. You know what, I think you are absolutely right here. We have just been getting along. Maybe she noticed that but I didn't. Maybe that is why she would go see that guy because there is something missing in our marriage. I just wish I knew how I could get her to open up to talk to me without always holding back. I will work on building and not just getting along. Thanks all, this has been great therapy.
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