Messed-up Breakup, everything is unclear

[LostWanderer0110]

Hello everyone,

I am 25 years old and as usual I hope to find some enlightenment on Loveshack

To make a long story short, 10 days ago I was dumped by the girl I have been with for almost a year, I am no stranger to bad breakups but this time I can't even realize as I feel very close to her.

Two months ago I started to notice behaviors not in line with the previous ones, without giving them any weight at first. One thing that struck me in particular was the increasingly less effective communication between her and me, which seemed strange given how we had set up the relationship.

Finally last month we were able to have a conversation, in which she revealed to me that she was polyamorous (no outing here, she gave me permission to disclose this) and that she had feelings, though not as strong as those toward me, for a friend of hers.
Added to this, as I understand it, were several personal problems, in short I think she needs to find herself on some level, figure out what she wants to be and what she wants out of life.

After having this conversation, we spent days trying to figure out how we could move forward, coming to a mutually satisfactory conclusion. 

After two more weeks however, completely out of the blue she dumped me on the grounds that she is in a very dark place and now she cannot be in any relationship.
She also said that she loves me very much and has not felt this way with anyone, but that she cannot give me certainty now.

The day after the breakup we exchanged just two messages, and she said goodbye to me saying, quoting her, "With the conviction that this is not a final breakup."

Now, I have started the whole process that I will have to go through to recover from this breakup, I still can't believe that it is over and all that this entails, I feel broken inside and I don't know what to do,

On the other hand, I feel mocked, because I consider two months a very long time to hide something like that from me.

I don't even really know what to ask, if anyone more experienced has had similar experiences or even has advice on how to proceed I would be more than happy and grateful to read you.

Thank you very much

A

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, LostWanderer0110 said:

Finally last month we were able to have a conversation, in which she revealed to me that she was polyamorous and that she had feelings, though not as strong as those toward me, for a friend of hers.

The day after the breakup we exchanged just two messages, and she said goodbye to me saying, quoting her, "With the conviction that this is not a final breakup." I feel mocked, because I consider two months a very long time to hide something like that from me.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it sounds like she was cheating for these months under the guise of polyamory, since she chose to keep you in the dark about this.

Don't get strung along . Her last text seems to make her try to make herself look good. Whatever her issues are, sexual exploration, "dark place" etc., let her explore those on her own.

 Set yourself free and do not communicate with her. Let the dust settle so you can reflect and relax in peace.

[LostWanderer0110]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it sounds like she was cheating for these months under the guise of polyamory, since she chose to keep you in the dark about this.

Don't get strung along . Her last text seems to make her try to make herself look good. Whatever her issues are, sexual exploration, "dark place" etc., let her explore those on her own.

 Set yourself free and do not communicate with her. Let the dust settle so you can reflect and relax in peace.

  

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it sounds like she was cheating for these months under the guise of polyamory, since she chose to keep you in the dark about this.

Don't get strung along . Her last text seems to make her try to make herself look good. Whatever her issues are, sexual exploration, "dark place" etc., let her explore those on her own.

 Set yourself free and do not communicate with her. Let the dust settle so you can reflect and relax in peace.

Thank you Wiseman2 for replying.

I gotta say that i do believe her, i truly do. I don't think she cheated, in these two months they couldn't even spent time together due to the distance, so from my POV she did not cheat at all, she was sincere.

I do recognise tho that she messed thing up badly, she wasn't clear for months therefore i was not allowed to choose what to do.

I know time shall pass and it wasn't that long ago, but i'm going crazy thinki about her. I try to stick to my job, my family and friends but often I can't do anything but thinking of her, hoping that she's okay. Deep down I know I want to go back with her, even if she cannot "be in a relationship rn", and I don't know how to behave but leave her alone, as you suggested, give her time.

Is this just a matter of time? Is there any chances she will fix herself and come back?

[glows]

It was cruel to end it with you with this: “conviction this is not a final break up”. Please pause for a second and ask yourself whether you deserve a lot better. 

The immediate response is often kneejerk, responding to instantly feeling a strong need due to a break up void. You’re no longer communicating with someone you used to communicate with at some intimate level for a year. Process this for some time before making any decisions about reconciling with her. 

Really think about what she said and then look at what you expect or want out of a relationship. Do they match?

Edited November 1, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, LostWanderer0110 said:

After two more weeks however, completely out of the blue she dumped me on the grounds that she is in a very dark place and now she cannot be in any relationship.

She also said that she loves me very much and has not felt this way with anyone, but that she cannot give me certainty now.

The day after the breakup we exchanged just two messages, and she said goodbye to me saying, quoting her, "With the conviction that this is not a final breakup."

Now, I have started the whole process that I will have to go through to recover from this breakup, I still can't believe that it is over and all that this entails, I feel broken inside and I don't know what to do,

It's easy to let "hope" be a problem when feelings are involved. However, that can be a real problem and it turns people into the unenviable role of "orbiters" where they are stuck having very strong feelings for someone they can't be with. This often interferes with starting a new relationship, and people can get stuck in that role for YEARS, wasting years when they could have been building a more solid relationship.

Suggest you don't let that happen to you - try to ignore the breadcrumbs and "staying friends" stuff. You can accept it, but try to let if affect you minimally. She's choosing to go on with her life without you in it, and there's at least a decent chance that will NEVER change. So it's not something you want to get hooked into. Recognize that, and act accordingly. There was a poster here who used to say "get off the hopium pipe" and it often applies in these unrequited breakup situations (as well as other situations).

Maybe see a therapist if that's feasible, take a break from dating, process this. Give yourself a bit of time - maybe a few months, and then MOVE ON. If she wants to "stay friends" fine, but let her be a "background friend" ONLY while you get on with YOUR romantic life and go out and date new people.  To my mind, that's the way forward from this (and MAY in reality be your only option anyhow, despite what she may text you, certainly right now it is).

[ExpatInItaly]

She is over-complicating this, and no wonder it's confusing you. 

She met someone else that she likes. She wanted to date him, so she had to invent an excuse to dump you without feeling like the bad guy. She is stringing you along with the idea that this break-up isn't final. That is the sign of someone who is profoundly immature and frankly quite insensitive and selfish. 

No, this is not going to come back together. And you will be better off for it. She's too messy for the sort of relationship you are after. 

[LostWanderer0110]

12 hours ago, glows said:

It was cruel to end it with you with this: “conviction this is not a final break up”. Please pause for a second and ask yourself whether you deserve a lot better. 

The immediate response is often kneejerk, responding to instantly feeling a strong need due to a break up void. You’re no longer communicating with someone you used to communicate with at some intimate level for a year. Process this for some time before making any decisions about reconciling with her. 

Really think about what she said and then look at what you expect or want out of a relationship. Do they match?

Thanks Glove.

I find your words wise. I'm thinking of course about what kind of a relationship I want, I did it in the past too.
I thought me and this girl could get along for quite a while actually, I'm not saying it was perfect and neither was she, but still.

We managed to go through stuff and similar, we even started to deal with the polyamorous thing, and then she suddendly called out.

I really can't understand how is it possible to blow a relationship whit a suddend decision, it went literally like this:

I asked her if she was sure she could be in a relationship even if she felt in a dark place mentally. She answered "No, you're right" and dumped me.

 

About the cruelty of not giving a clear cut, it broke me and left me confused, I feel some sort of addiction. I have to force myself not ot write her or similar

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by LostWanderer0110

[LostWanderer0110]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's easy to let "hope" be a problem when feelings are involved. However, that can be a real problem and it turns people into the unenviable role of "orbiters" where they are stuck having very strong feelings for someone they can't be with. This often interferes with starting a new relationship, and people can get stuck in that role for YEARS, wasting years when they could have been building a more solid relationship.

Suggest you don't let that happen to you - try to ignore the breadcrumbs and "staying friends" stuff. You can accept it, but try to let if affect you minimally. She's choosing to go on with her life without you in it, and there's at least a decent chance that will NEVER change. So it's not something you want to get hooked into. Recognize that, and act accordingly. There was a poster here who used to say "get off the hopium pipe" and it often applies in these unrequited breakup situations (as well as other situations).

Maybe see a therapist if that's feasible, take a break from dating, process this. Give yourself a bit of time - maybe a few months, and then MOVE ON. If she wants to "stay friends" fine, but let her be a "background friend" ONLY while you get on with YOUR romantic life and go out and date new people.  To my mind, that's the way forward from this (and MAY in reality be your only option anyhow, despite what she may text you, certainly right now it is).

You're right Mark, and I don't want to be an orbiter, as you said, it's cruel.

Thanks for a your advice, it motivates me

[LostWanderer0110]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is over-complicating this, and no wonder it's confusing you. 

She met someone else that she likes. She wanted to date him, so she had to invent an excuse to dump you without feeling like the bad guy. She is stringing you along with the idea that this break-up isn't final. That is the sign of someone who is profoundly immature and frankly quite insensitive and selfish. 

No, this is not going to come back together. And you will be better off for it. She's too messy for the sort of relationship you are after. 

Thanks ExpatInItaly. I think she was immature in this case and selfish too, there's no need behave like she did with no clear cut

[glows]

I think you need time to absorb what happened - don’t do anything or respond to any need to reach out to her. 

What did she mean by “dark place”? Irritable? Moody? Unstable moods recurring? Diagnosed untreated clinical depression? Or was she a healthy individual choosing to make a consecutive list of really poor choices in her life? 

You mentioned that you both had been through some things, “stuff”, together including the polyamory talks. What other things did you go through with her? When you’re dealing with changing circumstances in an active/ongoing relationship we’re in problem-solving mode. The relationship is over. There’s nothing to problem-solve. Breakups are very often unilateral and she stopped wanting to problem-solve anything else in the relationship. 

I’d leave room that you both weren’t compatible. Don’t respond to any strong need to reach out. Think back again very carefully about what it was exactly that you shared with her. Was it worth the problem-solving if it was constant and endless and were you compatible?

[LostWanderer0110]

41 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you need time to absorb what happened - don’t do anything or respond to any need to reach out to her. 

What did she mean by “dark place”? Irritable? Moody? Unstable moods recurring? Diagnosed untreated clinical depression? Or was she a healthy individual choosing to make a consecutive list of really poor choices in her life? 

You mentioned that you both had been through some things, “stuff”, together including the polyamory talks. What other things did you go through with her? When you’re dealing with changing circumstances in an active/ongoing relationship we’re in problem-solving mode. The relationship is over. There’s nothing to problem-solve. Breakups are very often unilateral and she stopped wanting to problem-solve anything else in the relationship. 

I’d leave room that you both weren’t compatible. Don’t respond to any strong need to reach out. Think back again very carefully about what it was exactly that you shared with her. Was it worth the problem-solving if it was constant and endless and were you compatible?

Hi glows.
I definitely need time to absorb what happened. 
She was completely clear about this damned 'dark place'. She said she felt disconnected from life, from her inner self, she said she couldn' t be in any relationship at the moment. She even said it happened to her years ag and she doesn't want to bring me down with her. She also said (couple of days pot breakup) she hopes that, once she heals, I won't feel just disgusted and disconnected from her.
Can someone be lying about all this? 

 

By writing this down I feel more allowed to feel like I'm going crazy

Now, i have some relationship experience, but I'm still young. From my point of view, if I'm going through hard times I would keep people I love even closer than usual. It works like this to me. In the end if you breakup with someone you're not that interested anymore. Am I wrong?

 

By "went through stuff' I mean that we were there for each other when one had troubles, even big troubles, for example with friends or family. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by LostWanderer0110

[glows]

I tend to take people at face value especially where concerning a break up. Even if she’s looking for sympathy or wanting to leave the door open with you, would you bother? 

All this isn’t an evaluation of her mental health but figuring out whether her choices and her lifestyle are a match with yours.

If she’s lying you may not be around or sticking around to find out. If she is truly ill or needing to “heal” from the thing ailing her, again, does her ability to offer a stable relationship match yours? Some people aren’t capable of creating lasting relationships without strife, stress, a lot of manufactured chaos. You don’t need to know why. Just know what they offer or don’t offer to you in an intimate sense. And be able to walk away from someone who isn’t offering what you want.

She’s shown you she likely can’t be trusted regardless of her reasons and you both may not be compatible anyway regarding lifestyle (ie polyamory). 

[LostWanderer0110]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

I tend to take people at face value especially where concerning a break up. Even if she’s looking for sympathy or wanting to leave the door open with you, would you bother? 

All this isn’t an evaluation of her mental health but figuring out whether her choices and her lifestyle are a match with yours.

If she’s lying you may not be around or sticking around to find out. If she is truly ill or needing to “heal” from the thing ailing her, again, does her ability to offer a stable relationship match yours? Some people aren’t capable of creating lasting relationships without strife, stress, a lot of manufactured chaos. You don’t need to know why. Just know what they offer or don’t offer to you in an intimate sense. And be able to walk away from someone who isn’t offering what you want.

She’s shown you she likely can’t be trusted regardless of her reasons and you both may not be compatible anyway regarding lifestyle (ie polyamory). 

That last line hit me hard, thank you.

I'm wondering basically on everything you said, the healing stuff etc.

During the few lucid moments I have tho i still think she made some stuff up to let me down easily, it doesn't matter right? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, LostWanderer0110 said:

Can someone be lying about all this?

She could, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is.

IF she comes back and wants/feels ready for a relationship (which is what want, if you still want it at that hypothetical time) you could give it a try. IF you still want the relationship and that happens, IMO don't settle for less. Doing so just puts you into that orbiter role.

IMO one time isn't a pattern. However, if she makes a habit out of this breaking up for (apparent) emotional/mental health reasons, then yes she's definitely too problematic of a partner to be a good person to be emotionally attached to. The bad part of giving it another shot (IF that even becomes possible) would be that you might just go through all of this again.

All that said, IMO the chance of her coming back isn't super high, so moving on (starting to) in the meantime is the sensible decision here.

Edited November 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[LostWanderer0110]

24 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

She could, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is.

IF she comes back and wants/feels ready for a relationship (which is what want, if you still want it at that hypothetical time) you could give it a try. IF you still want the relationship and that happens, IMO don't settle for less. Doing so just puts you into that orbiter role.

IMO one time isn't a pattern. However, if she makes a habit out of this breaking up for (apparent) emotional/mental health reasons, then yes she's definitely too problematic of a partner to be a good person to be emotionally attached to. The bad part of giving it another shot (IF that even becomes possible) would be that you might just go through all of this again.

All that said, IMO the chance of her coming back isn't super high, so moving on (starting to) in the meantime is the sensible decision here.

Thanks,

I know that starting to move on is the right choice to do, despite I simply love her. Easier said than done tho, I'll try to

[Fox Sake]

As someone who dabbled in polyamory for a while, I can tell you right now it’s because I didn’t want to commit to anyone. Being afraid of commitment (and/or getting hurt again because it rip myself apart afterwards to a thousand tiny pieces). Having all the benefits of excellent communication without the emotional vulnerability of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being committed,  seemed like a no brainier.
It was a great excuse to do as I wished, when I wished without guilt. I felt free and I felt loved.  However …this is something that I brought up at the start of anything with anyone when I practiced being poly (don’t anymore). I find it odd that she didn’t tell you until now. That kind of goes against the whole open and transparent communication- which is paramount if you’re poly and want a successful relationship. You can learn a lot from polyamory, but not if your values don’t align with one another. 

Honestly man, she hasn’t been honest with you, she’s leaving you little rays of hope that are messing with your head. The best thing you can do is forget about her for now. Fill your days with other things than thinking about her. Find some things in her that you really didn’t like. For example, last girl I was dating had a dog. I lost mine a few months ago and I wasn’t ready for another animal in my life, especially one that would eat my cats. Using this gave me an extra excuse to knock her off the pedestal in my mind after she became more and more distant as I became more emotionally vulnerable and chased her.  
 

You sound like me - you wear your heart on your sleeve but protect it fiercely. When you let your guard down and let someone in and they hurt you, it really does a number on your confidence. Don’t put yourself through this. You deserve better. The way I see it is - if she wants you she is now the one who has to prove that to you. You have to guard yourself from people like this.
 

I know what it’s like wanting someone you can’t have but you saw potential with. It hurts. Especially when it’s a rare feeling.  But guess what? You’re gonna be okay! Someone is gonna come into your life at some point and show you exactly why it didn’t work with other people 

[glows]

Yes, move on. She opted out, bottomline. It may take a few weeks to shake this off but it’s better than a lifetime of doubt.

[LostWanderer0110]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

As someone who dabbled in polyamory for a while, I can tell you right now it’s because I didn’t want to commit to anyone. Being afraid of commitment (and/or getting hurt again because it rip myself apart afterwards to a thousand tiny pieces). Having all the benefits of excellent communication without the emotional vulnerability of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being committed,  seemed like a no brainier.
It was a great excuse to do as I wished, when I wished without guilt. I felt free and I felt loved.  However …this is something that I brought up at the start of anything with anyone when I practiced being poly (don’t anymore). I find it odd that she didn’t tell you until now. That kind of goes against the whole open and transparent communication- which is paramount if you’re poly and want a successful relationship. You can learn a lot from polyamory, but not if your values don’t align with one another. 

Honestly man, she hasn’t been honest with you, she’s leaving you little rays of hope that are messing with your head. The best thing you can do is forget about her for now. Fill your days with other things than thinking about her. Find some things in her that you really didn’t like. For example, last girl I was dating had a dog. I lost mine a few months ago and I wasn’t ready for another animal in my life, especially one that would eat my cats. Using this gave me an extra excuse to knock her off the pedestal in my mind after she became more and more distant as I became more emotionally vulnerable and chased her.  
 

You sound like me - you wear your heart on your sleeve but protect it fiercely. When you let your guard down and let someone in and they hurt you, it really does a number on your confidence. Don’t put yourself through this. You deserve better. The way I see it is - if she wants you she is now the one who has to prove that to you. You have to guard yourself from people like this.
 

I know what it’s like wanting someone you can’t have but you saw potential with. It hurts. Especially when it’s a rare feeling.  But guess what? You’re gonna be okay! Someone is gonna come into your life at some point and show you exactly why it didn’t work with other people 

Thanks a lot for taking the time.

I read stuff about polyamory in the past so I wasn't new to that (theoretically, I've never been directly involved but I think I could manage that). 

Actually, listening to her, she found out I'm these last couple of months, so I do believe she didn't lie in the first place. But still she didn't behave fairly to me.

I started doing what you did with your ex's dog the other day. It just hits hard since I was aware of the defects when we were together too. I decided to stay tho.

 

It could be I'm looking for a more mature relationship maybe

[spiderowl]

My intuition, OP, is that you fell for her, then things went wrong (not your fault in any way).  The first red flag was problematic communication.  The second was her comment about polyamory - I suspect that at that time she met someone else she liked.  The 'dark place' and breaking up with you was probably because the other person she liked dumped her and she knew by that time she had fallen for them.  She knew she was still attached to them and is not coping.  All in all, it had very little to do with you.

She was not being honest with you and it was completely unfair of her to end things by saying this is not the final break-up.  You are giving her too much power, allowing her to decide whether or not this is the final break-up after messing you around.  If someone breaks up with you - and it is not a complete misunderstanding or your fault in some way - then do not alow them back into your life.  They will only do it again and then you will be hurt twice.  You are a decent, loving guy who deserves someone honest and straight with you.

I think that as you reflect on this - and I know how hard it is not to when you have been plunged into this situation - you will see that there were more red flags than you acknowledged or even realised at the time.  I tend to view relationships as entanglements on a conscious and unconscious level.  We are tied together by strands.  It is important to break those strands but harder to do with the unconscious ones.  It will happen gradually though as you recognise that pull and remind yourself of the bad things that happened and of how uncertain she really seemed to be deep down.

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by spiderowl

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, LostWanderer0110 said:

 I do believe she didn't lie in the first place. But still she didn't behave fairly to me.

If you two started out as a monogamous committed couple, then that was your agreement and understanding of the relationship.

Pulling out the polyamory card when she found someone else seems more like deception, cheating and a bait and switch at her convenience.

Yes, do find someone more mature, more forthcoming and more suited for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

The 'dark place' and breaking up with you was probably because the other person she liked dumped her and she knew by that time she had fallen for them.  She knew she was still attached to them and is not coping.

That's exactly what I think happened here as well. 

 

[LostWanderer0110]

9 hours ago, spiderowl said:

My intuition, OP, is that you fell for her, then things went wrong (not your fault in any way).  The first red flag was problematic communication.  The second was her comment about polyamory - I suspect that at that time she met someone else she liked.  The 'dark place' and breaking up with you was probably because the other person she liked dumped her and she knew by that time she had fallen for them.  She knew she was still attached to them and is not coping.  All in all, it had very little to do with you.

She was not being honest with you and it was completely unfair of her to end things by saying this is not the final break-up.  You are giving her too much power, allowing her to decide whether or not this is the final break-up after messing you around.  If someone breaks up with you - and it is not a complete misunderstanding or your fault in some way - then do not alow them back into your life.  They will only do it again and then you will be hurt twice.  You are a decent, loving guy who deserves someone honest and straight with you.

I think that as you reflect on this - and I know how hard it is not to when you have been plunged into this situation - you will see that there were more red flags than you acknowledged or even realised at the time.  I tend to view relationships as entanglements on a conscious and unconscious level.  We are tied together by strands.  It is important to break those strands but harder to do with the unconscious ones.  It will happen gradually though as you recognise that pull and remind yourself of the bad things that happened and of how uncertain she really seemed to be deep down.

 

Hi Spiderowl, thank for answering.

Yes, she met someone else, hide it for two months and then the polyamory came out. Wow, wiriting this was powerful. Nevertheless I believe her when she says she didn't know before.

Yes, we entered a relationship on certain terms, but as I said I was willing to discuss them. In fact, we did it, but after two weeks she suddendly broke up with these "i need space" "i can't be in a relationship" etc stuff

 

 

Edited November 3, 2022 by LostWanderer0110

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LostWanderer0110 said:

, she met someone else, hide it for two months and then the polyamory came out. 

Unfortunately, no matter what labels she chooses to hide behind, this is cheating and deception.

Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet. Consider yourself free and clear to date women who are honest with you.