ms.stressed Posted November 1, 2022 Posted November 1, 2022 Hi! Most of you probably know me as the girl with the abusive ex husband...I hate it...I ended up in ANOTHER abusive relationship...where I was being raped for 5 months, because he wanted a baby, a little girl...called little girl...or girl...never my name...Yelled at...and talked about. It was bad. I left. I ended up pregnant and had to get an abortion...I had 3 mental breakdowns before finally given a diagnosis and prescribed medication. I hate it. It's made me weary of dating. I met a man, but left him, because he tried being intimate and scared me. I was told I needed therapy...I didn't want it. I finally told him and he said he wanted to come with me. He's been writing but I've ignored them. His family reaches out to me and I respond back because I like them. I hate it and it's a lot for me so I know it will be a lot for someone else. I don't want to out that stress on anyone. And it's not a game or anything to laugh at. Because I have a disability and I need people to love it, not laugh at it. I hate this. Can anyone offer advice? Should I avoid relationships? Should I give him another chance? I don't know what to do. I don't want to put this burden on anyone.
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2022 Posted November 1, 2022 You should never second guess anything that makes you uncomfortable. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. Even if they mean no harm to you, doesn't matter....what matters is how it/they make you feel. It could be as simple as a compatibility thing, where they are not the right fit for you. take your time, step back if you need to. Don't let the family or him influence you. Remember respectful people will give you your space and not chase after you.
glows Posted November 1, 2022 Posted November 1, 2022 (edited) Are you saying you’re still in contact with your abuser’s family or is that the guy you were seeing after? Let go if you can’t offer anything or aren’t ready to date or trust someone. He should be respecting your decision as well. No, I don’t think you have to avoid relationships but you will have to learn to break that cycle of dating abusers. Therapy helps you break those dysfunctional patterns so you’re not a prisoner of yourself and falling into the same cycles. Edited November 1, 2022 by glows
stillafool Posted November 1, 2022 Posted November 1, 2022 (edited) Yes I think you need to avoid relationships and getting involved with men period until you've received therapy. Otherwise your relationships will fail leaving you despondent. Therapy will also help you figure out why you are attracted to abusive men. Edited November 1, 2022 by stillafool 1
Fox Sake Posted November 1, 2022 Posted November 1, 2022 1 hour ago, ms.stressed said: Hi! Most of you probably know me as the girl with the abusive ex husband...I hate it...I ended up in ANOTHER abusive relationship...where I was being raped for 5 months, because he wanted a baby, a little girl...called little girl...or girl...never my name...Yelled at...and talked about. It was bad. I left. I ended up pregnant and had to get an abortion...I had 3 mental breakdowns before finally given a diagnosis and prescribed medication. I hate it. It's made me weary of dating. I met a man, but left him, because he tried being intimate and scared me. I was told I needed therapy...I didn't want it. I finally told him and he said he wanted to come with me. He's been writing but I've ignored them. His family reaches out to me and I respond back because I like them. I hate it and it's a lot for me so I know it will be a lot for someone else. I don't want to out that stress on anyone. And it's not a game or anything to laugh at. Because I have a disability and I need people to love it, not laugh at it. I hate this. Can anyone offer advice? Should I avoid relationships? Should I give him another chance? I don't know what to do. I don't want to put this burden on anyone. I’m so sorry you went through all that Can you just confirm it’s not the abusive guy and his family reaching out to you? I’m assuming it’s not and this is all about new guy.. It’s good that you met someone else , but only if you feel you’re ready for it. I know the new guy wants to help support you going to therapy , but maybe this is something you should do alone? I would hate for you to end up seeing him as an essential association to the cure. You know best tho, I’m just covering a distant possibility. He could be the best things that ever happened. One of the hardest things to do (for me anyways) is to allow ourselves to become emotionally vulnerable again to someone else, after being hurt and showing emotional vulnerability. Eventually tho, someone always comes into our lives. Sometimes just momentarily, to help us through a hard time or to teach us something valuable. You say you don’t want to put stress on anyone with your problems , but I bet you take on everyone else’s all the time to help them and bottle yours away. Don’t bottle up. We all need a little help now and again!
ShyViolet Posted November 2, 2022 Posted November 2, 2022 You are not ready to date. You need to get into therapy, lots of therapy, to work on your issues. You met another man, didn't feel comfortable with him so you left him, and now he has his family reaching out to you? So inappropriate. This sounds like another potential abuser, crossing boundaries and not respecting your space. 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 3, 2022 Author Posted November 3, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 1:27 PM, Fox Sake said: I’m so sorry you went through all that Can you just confirm it’s not the abusive guy and his family reaching out to you? I’m assuming it’s not and this is all about new guy.. It’s good that you met someone else , but only if you feel you’re ready for it. I know the new guy wants to help support you going to therapy , but maybe this is something you should do alone? I would hate for you to end up seeing him as an essential association to the cure. You know best tho, I’m just covering a distant possibility. He could be the best things that ever happened. One of the hardest things to do (for me anyways) is to allow ourselves to become emotionally vulnerable again to someone else, after being hurt and showing emotional vulnerability. Eventually tho, someone always comes into our lives. Sometimes just momentarily, to help us through a hard time or to teach us something valuable. You say you don’t want to put stress on anyone with your problems , but I bet you take on everyone else’s all the time to help them and bottle yours away. Don’t bottle up. We all need a little help now and again! Yes, it's the new guy and his family. The new guy is very special to me. I have a therapist because I take on everyone's energy, lol, which is why I was being a abused. He tried to be intimate with me and I ran away and called the police, lol! I dropped the charges, he didn't know. It happened before, when he tried to pillow fight, I got scared, because I don't fight. Lol! I ran away. He didn't know about my past. Which is why I'm in therapy. I'm weird...I stay in alignment with peace and joy...if it doesn't feel right, I stay away. Which is why I'm avoiding him. I figure anyone who truly loves and wants you, will do all they can to be with you, right? It's a feeling. I'm hopeful he'll understand, lol Because I really like him, lol!
Author ms.stressed Posted November 3, 2022 Author Posted November 3, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 9:19 PM, ShyViolet said: You are not ready to date. You need to get into therapy, lots of therapy, to work on your issues. You met another man, didn't feel comfortable with him so you left him, and now he has his family reaching out to you? So inappropriate. This sounds like another potential abuser, crossing boundaries and not respecting your space. He didn't know about my past and I'm ready to move forward.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 3, 2022 Author Posted November 3, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 12:51 PM, glows said: Are you saying you’re still in contact with your abuser’s family or is that the guy you were seeing after? Let go if you can’t offer anything or aren’t ready to date or trust someone. He should be respecting your decision as well. No, I don’t think you have to avoid relationships but you will have to learn to break that cycle of dating abusers. Therapy helps you break those dysfunctional patterns so you’re not a prisoner of yourself and falling into the same cycles. He wrote to tell me he's sorry and bought gifts. He didn't know, which is why I finally told him. He said he'd go to therapy with me. I was ashamed, I didn't want him to know...I've only discussed my past with this forum and my therapist. My family and friends recently found out about the last two.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 3, 2022 Author Posted November 3, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 12:09 PM, smackie9 said: You should never second guess anything that makes you uncomfortable. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. Even if they mean no harm to you, doesn't matter....what matters is how it/they make you feel. It could be as simple as a compatibility thing, where they are not the right fit for you. take your time, step back if you need to. Don't let the family or him influence you. Remember respectful people will give you your space and not chase after you. I think we're absolutely compatible. My main thing was, he didn't know, he didn't even know about my therapist. I'm going to give it time, if it works, it works, if not, I'm still okay, lol!
glows Posted November 3, 2022 Posted November 3, 2022 (edited) Why does he want to go with you to therapy? Nice of him to bring gifts but he doesn’t have to overdo it. He’s done nothing wrong if you were both leading to consensual sex/intimacy. It’s a bit weird that he’s attempting to get so involved with your private sessions with your therapist. It’s one thing being understanding and another inserting yourself where it may not be appropriate. Take it slow and talk with your therapist and see what he/she suggests. Edited November 3, 2022 by glows
Author ms.stressed Posted November 4, 2022 Author Posted November 4, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 12:51 PM, glows said: Are you saying you’re still in contact with your abuser’s family or is that the guy you were seeing after? Let go if you can’t offer anything or aren’t ready to date or trust someone. He should be respecting your decision as well. No, I don’t think you have to avoid relationships but you will have to learn to break that cycle of dating abusers. Therapy helps you break those dysfunctional patterns so you’re not a prisoner of yourself and falling into the same cycles. No it's just the new guy. He's special to me.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 4, 2022 Author Posted November 4, 2022 On 11/1/2022 at 12:09 PM, smackie9 said: You should never second guess anything that makes you uncomfortable. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. Even if they mean no harm to you, doesn't matter....what matters is how it/they make you feel. It could be as simple as a compatibility thing, where they are not the right fit for you. take your time, step back if you need to. Don't let the family or him influence you. Remember respectful people will give you your space and not chase after you. I decided to move forward. I'm in therapy. My therapist says it's not me, it's them. This guy is good. He's a sweetheart.
smackie9 Posted November 4, 2022 Posted November 4, 2022 39 minutes ago, ms.stressed said: I decided to move forward. I'm in therapy. My therapist says it's not me, it's them. This guy is good. He's a sweetheart. So you are saying your therapist is wrong?
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2022 Posted November 4, 2022 6 hours ago, ms.stressed said: I decided to move forward. I'm in therapy. My therapist says it's not me, it's them. This guy is good. He's a sweetheart. Well, yes your ex was wrong for abusing you but you need therapy because you endured the abuse for months. You need to understand why you accepted the abuse and you need therapy to not carry this trauma in your next relationship, which you are doing. If a pillow fight scares you it's because you did not deal with your past trauma. It takes a while to heal from abuse, if you want a relationship with this new man then continue therapy. It's a gift to yourself for a better future. I don't think your new man should go to therapy with you. You need to feel free to say everything to your therapist, without new bf listenning. 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 5, 2022 Author Posted November 5, 2022 15 hours ago, Gaeta said: Well, yes your ex was wrong for abusing you but you need therapy because you endured the abuse for months. You need to understand why you accepted the abuse and you need therapy to not carry this trauma in your next relationship, which you are doing. If a pillow fight scares you it's because you did not deal with your past trauma. It takes a while to heal from abuse, if you want a relationship with this new man then continue therapy. It's a gift to yourself for a better future. I don't think your new man should go to therapy with you. You need to feel free to say everything to your therapist, without new bf listenning. I know...I spoke to her about and she's okay with, because I endured for so long, because I had no other avenue of support. None, and my first, taught me that you shouldn't discuss your relationship, I later discovered he was abusive...he was my first encounter, it took therapy to unteach me that...I've dated since then, this new guys seems pretty open to my therapy it's been almost a year now. My therapist told me, I have a lot to learn about being playful and a intimacy...I don't know intimacy because of my past abuse...he literally cried when I met him, after I broke up with him. He started crying. I showed him the therapy notes and put him on the RINF...I showed him my open cases...I told him, "I didn't lie. I like you but I was raped in both relationships...I don't like to fight..." and I walked away. That's when he said he'll go to therapy with me and my therapist agreed and she's okay with it but I need time... 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 5, 2022 Author Posted November 5, 2022 21 hours ago, smackie9 said: So you are saying your therapist is wrong? No, I asked her, she said she's open to discussing my past with him...it'll be good because she suspects I don't understand intimacy and looking back, watching romance movies, I literally told her, it could be like that? She said, "yes". They say I need therapy. I do, after being with Warren...who tried to be intimate and I ran away. Who tried to pillow fight, and I ran away and started crying. He's a sweetheart, lol! But he didn't know.
mark clemson Posted November 5, 2022 Posted November 5, 2022 If you want intimacy/a partner in your life, then you have to decide whether you want it enough to work though your issues (and FWIW you have my sympathy in that your story sounds quite awful and your fear/distress over intimacy sounds quite understandable). It sounds like you do and/or wish to be ready for that one day - so continuing on the path you're on (ie, therapy) probably makes the most sense. 1
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2022 Posted November 5, 2022 14 minutes ago, ms.stressed said: No, I asked her, she said she's open to discussing my past with him...it'll be good because she suspects I don't understand intimacy and looking back, watching romance movies, I literally told her, it could be like that? She said, "yes". They say I need therapy. I do, after being with Warren...who tried to be intimate and I ran away. Who tried to pillow fight, and I ran away and started crying. He's a sweetheart, lol! But he didn't know. Intimacy is a big step, BUT there has to be multiple steps leading up to it before you do get to that level. Maybe that's what is missing...the gradual steps like light touching, hand holding, trust, respect, support, emotional connection, understanding of each other......you know the romantic stuff which is so important to us women. 2
Author ms.stressed Posted November 7, 2022 Author Posted November 7, 2022 On 11/5/2022 at 10:43 AM, smackie9 said: Intimacy is a big step, BUT there has to be multiple steps leading up to it before you do get to that level. Maybe that's what is missing...the gradual steps like light touching, hand holding, trust, respect, support, emotional connection, understanding of each other......you know the romantic stuff which is so important to us women. Yes...He's intimate, it's the playfulness. Sometimes, I don't think we're compatible, because he like to play but I don't. I was abused, which is why I ran away when he tried to pillow fight and tried to have sex, lol! He said he was playing. I feel bad! They told me I needed therapy, lol! He's very intimate and romantic. It was the playfulness.
Author ms.stressed Posted November 7, 2022 Author Posted November 7, 2022 (edited) On 11/5/2022 at 10:34 AM, mark clemson said: If you want intimacy/a partner in your life, then you have to decide whether you want it enough to work though your issues (and FWIW you have my sympathy in that your story sounds quite awful and your fear/distress over intimacy sounds quite understandable). It sounds like you do and/or wish to be ready for that one day - so continuing on the path you're on (ie, therapy) probably makes the most sense. I know...I'll see...He said he was sorry. I don't know, lol! Edited November 7, 2022 by ms.stressed 1
Author ms.stressed Posted November 7, 2022 Author Posted November 7, 2022 His sister sent me a friend request. I accepted it...because I like his family. I asked him to give me time. I need time...and then he can go to therapy with me, because we need to know each other's love languages and everything...
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