Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[mark clemson]

Not to pile on but:   ^^^^ everything they said. Whatever this is, you probably don't want any part of it.

[NuevoYorko]

People do not stop lying because they got caught by their partner who then "asserted boundaries about lying."  They just cover up better.   

This is not a small lie. 

You have another thread where you are questioning his texting habits.  My opinion there is that you seem paranoid.  I still think you're probably reacting to your anxiety over the texting deal and not to a real issue - but this thread leads me to believe that you have reasons to feel anxious and mistrustful of this guy.   

He needs to go, I'm afraid.

[Gaeta]

I woud want to know why he has no relationship with his daughter before jumping the gun. 

Sometimes one of the parents disappears with the child and don't want to be found. If the mother left the country with the child and she cannot be found then l'd hold my jugement for now. l would worry about the fact he did not mention anything still at 2 months in. I do understand though some situations don't need to be mentionned online and can wait a couple of dates, not 2 months though.

Edited November 14, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I woud want to know why he has no relationship with his daughter before jumping the gun. 

I agree with Gaeta.  I would also like to know why he wasn't truthful when I (you) initially asked in the talking phase but chose to be truthful NOW, two months in.  

I think that's important because he could have chosen to continue the lie, but chose to be honest.   

@calipso, if everything else is going well, you are happy together, talk to him.  Communicate.

As I said, one of my ex's lied about something very significant; I know it sounds strange but he honestly did not think it was that big a deal.

We talked and he realized it WAS a big deal.

After that, there was no more secrecy or lies, he was open and honest even if he was nervous about what my reaction would be.

Remember there are no perfect people.  We are all flawed on one level or another.

I am not suggesting what he did was right, it was NOT.  But hear him out.

One lie does NOT a liar make imo.  It was a mistake (to not be truthful) and we all make them, including myself.

 It's a pattern of lying , of secrecy and shadiness.  Just talk to him openly and honesty.

JMO, again good luck whatever you decide.

Edited November 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

This would be an immediate ender. As others have said there are two huge red flags. Honestly, I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out the why's behind his actions. And it sounds like he's completely tone deaf to the situation. 

Move along.

[basil67]

I can kind of see both sides here.  Many say to not spill your guts too early on, so I think he was pacing his information spill.  And I tend to agree that his response was based around whether a child would actually be significant in if there was to be a relationship.  

However, this does not negate the fact that he lied to you.  A response of "I have a daughter, but don't see her....it's complicated" would have been both truthful but not too much information too soon.  

[Ami1uwant]

It’s also possible that this child had died for some reason like a premature birth, disease, infant death from various causes.  It’s difficult for him to talk about it early on in dating.

 

if he does have a child with an ex gf he might not be able to have contact with this child or know where they even are.

 

my ex gf daughter had a father but because they came to America when she was very young she hadn’t been with him much in her life. With social media she has communicated with her.  He hasn’t supporter her financially outside of a few times.  The differences in income between the USA and that country makes financial support very difgicult.  It’s also difficult to even see this child.

 

no matter what— this is a difficult subject to talk about early in a relationship for various reasons.

[CalipsoRose]

He recently lost a lot of money from a scam. So he said he needs to work a lot more on his business and he has to "go into the lab for awhile". He told me yesterday that he is going to do an "enjoyment fast" where he doesnt watch tv or go online at all unless its for his business. I think he included me in that enjoyment fast, because he said he will be turning his phone notifications off for "most of the day" and will be putting his phone away (he made it sound like he's going to do this every day, for awhile) "just fyi if I dont respond to you" so he can focus on his online business. The last two days he hasn't been affectionate much at all other than sending me maybe one or two kissy face emojis and called me babe once. I just feel like this may be an excuse to do the slow fade?

For context, I spent 5 days with him (we're long distance) right before this happened. Things seemed fine and he even said "I miss you already" after I got into the taxi. But he hasn't said anything sweet to me at all since. I know the large loss of money is really stressing him out. So I'm trying to be understanding but at the same time I do feel a bit neglected emotionally right now. He hasn't asked how I am or anything. I do have anxiety so its difficult for me to tell if I'm overreacting or if there is actually a problem. I told him thats perfectly fine and that I'm there for him.

He hasn't texted me at all today and I have a feeling he won't all night long. I won't bother him. Will wait until he reaches out. Just need some advice in case he goes days without speaking to me or what I should do now. Is it normal for a couple to not text every day? He has sent me at least a couple texts a day since we've been together (2 months) but some days are emotionally "drier" than others thats for sure. I feel like if I have "a talk" with him about this it'll just scare him away even more.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[introverted1]

You've had 4 threads about this guy in 2 weeks: he lied about not having kids, asked if you were on drugs when you fell out of bed, sent a copied/pasted goodnight text (unclear if this happened or if it was just your insecurity) and now has lost a bunch of money and is going on an "enjoyment fast," which sounds like a way for him to avoid communicating with you.

It sounds like he is naive at best or very bad with money at worst if he could be scammed out of a large sum.

What is so appealing about this guy?

 

[CalipsoRose]

I won't go into detail but lets just say he's had a very traumatic past. Thats why I'm trying to be so understanding and giving him space. He's not a "regular case" so to speak. He has PTSD. He's everything I've been looking for in a man, we share the same spiritual beliefs, the same outlook on life, we have deep conversations about those topics, I really care about him, he's told me a few times how grateful he is that I'm in his life and how special I am to him - he even said "well I know I dont tell you this much..." so he's aware of his lack of expression, he's exactly what I'm looking for in terms of looks also (incredibly handsome), and I could see a long term future with him.

Due to his PTSD its difficult for him to express emotions (his ptsd causes him to make rude remarks to me sometimes I think. I cant tell if he's joking or serious so I brush it off or laugh it off, I do have a more submissive personality in relationships and it can be hard to establish boundaries due to my anxiety), he has a very stoic demeanor but I think over time he will open up more. At least I hope.

Edited November 15, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[Alpacalia]

Personally, I think this man has another wife/family.

 

[CalipsoRose]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Personally, I think this man has another wife/family.

 

I go there once a month for an entire week sometimes and during the weekends. No signs of anyone else at his house. He even invited me to Christmas with his mom and siblings. I dont think he could hide another wife/family. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, CalipsoRose said:

I go there once a month for an entire week sometimes and during the weekends. No signs of anyone else at his house. He even invited me to Christmas with his mom and siblings. I dont think he could hide another wife/family. 

Then what the heck?

The whole thing just sounds weird.

[CalipsoRose]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Then what the heck?

The whole thing just sounds weird.

I know, its strange. Oh and I've been with him for 3 months actually not 2. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, CalipsoRose said:

I know, its strange. Oh and I've been with him for 3 months actually not 2. 

Did you ever get around to asking him why he was not forthcoming about having a child? What was his response?

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I spent 5 days with him (we're long distance) right before this happened.

How far apart are you? How often do you see each other?  Has he disappeared before? Whether his story is true or not, is yet to be seen. However the important part of this is if a distance relationship with someone  who practices periodic unavailability works for you.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[CalipsoRose]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Did you ever get around to asking him why he was not forthcoming about having a child? What was his response?

No I didnt, I dont feel like its the right time. I dont want to lose him and I feel like if I start putting any pressure on him right now while he's going through all this, he'll just leave.

[CalipsoRose]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? How far apart are you? How often do you see each other?  Has he disappeared before?

3 months. He's in another state. I spent 4 days with him the first time and then 5 days with him last time. No he's never disappeared before.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, CalipsoRose said:

No I didnt, I dont feel like its the right time. I dont want to lose him and I feel like if I start putting any pressure on him right now while he's going through all this, he'll just leave.

Oh no. The fear of losing someone can't keep you from doing this. Some lies are small and are not worth expending too much energy getting worked up about. Not having a child when you actually do is a pretty big whopper.

[CalipsoRose]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh no. The fear of losing someone can't keep you from doing this. Some lies are small and are not worth expending too much energy getting worked up about. Not having a child when you actually do is a pretty big whopper.

I agree. I think he was just embarrassed and didnt want to lay it on thick for me. Since the child isn't in his life at all, I think thats why he initially said that (it was one of our very first conversations). But I do find it strange he waited until I noticed the tattoo to even say anything.

Edited November 15, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[CalipsoRose]

Also, normally I might think he's cheating on me. But with him, he told me that he went an entire year this year without dating anyone (except 1 girl for a short period that he claims he wasn't even intimate with because she had "mental problems") for the sole fact that he wanted to prioritize his business and he said he made an exception for me. Knowing his personality, I am inclined to believe him. He's very money focused. And he has said that he would never use dating apps because men and women who use them are "trashy" so...I dont think he's on those. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I agree. I think he was just embarrassed and didnt want to lay it on thick for me. Since the child isn't in his life at all, I think thats why he initially said that (it was one of our very first conversations). But I do find it strange he waited until I noticed the tattoo to even say anything.

As you say, you two are living long distance and don't have plans to move to the same town anytime soon. It's a big hurdle, especially after the lie about kid with ex he has no relationship with. Consider giving it some time if you're unsure what your gut can handle. Your life with this man will either improve or you'll continue to obsess over the lie.

The issue of forgiveness isn't the only one. No matter how much you decide you can get over this giant omission, you must also consider how this child will affect you in the future. How comfortable are you with the idea of having to deal with your boyfriend's ex and child for the rest of your life? Would you support your boyfriend's support emotionally and financially? Do you think it would be fair if his relationship with the child dictates where you work and live? This would be forever, right?

Think about what that really means.

[CalipsoRose]

I am actually moving to his area in 4 months. Not just for him, its a place I've wanted to live for the last 3 years. I dont think the ex wife nor child would be in his life forever if they havent been at all for the entire life of the child. After 18, there is no more reason for an ex wife to really be involved especially if the child isn't. Oops I'm calling her an ex wife, I dont even know if she was a girlfriend. Could have been a one night stand for all I know. I think he said he had some involvement up until the age of 2 when a very traumatic thing happened to him that caused the PTSD.

Edited November 15, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[Alpacalia]

Sadly, you're now beginning to see what can happen when things go too fast.

These issues are starting to rear their ugly heads at warp speed.

You're moving closer to him after four months. There's a child and an ex that you know nothing about.

How is your head not spinning? I think you really need to rein yourself in and get clear on some things.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

I won't go into detail but lets just say he's had a very traumatic past. Thats why I'm trying to be so understanding and giving him space. He's not a "regular case" so to speak. He has PTSD. 

Due to his PTSD its difficult for him to express emotions (his ptsd causes him to make rude remarks to me sometimes I think. I cant tell if he's joking or serious so I brush it off or laugh it off,

You will be much better off if you stop making excuses for him.  Sooner or later you will have to face reality here.