How do I end this casual situationship with him?

[Marla]

I met this guy a year ago. We went on a few dates, he was very forward and ended up having sex. 

After this he told me he is not looking for a relationship. I wanted to get to know him more and go on dates but no point in that after what he told me, right?

He wanted to meet again just for sex and because I was single and have been alone the past 2 years after I broke up with my ex I thought I could have a bit of fun with him until I meet the right guy for a relationship.

So we met two more times but then he would go away after the deed and didn’t spend the night and I ended up wishing he would and starting to like him.

Then he started asking me to invite him to dinner at mine or invite him to go to a spa (because he saw my Instagram stories of me at a spa), and I got annoyed why is he asking all this if he doesn’t want a relationship and why can’t he invite me to go out, so in the beginning of this year I ended up blocking him on social media and never told him bye. I know, not nice but I felt I was falling for him and he wasn’t.

After a while I unblocked him but we never talked again.

So two weeks ago he liked my social media posts and contacted me again. After a bit ot chitchat he asked if I want to meet for sex.

I told him I don’t like meeting just for sex and that I am looking for a relationship with the right person. He said he isn’t looking for that, but that we can also meet somewhere just to talk.

I told him ok but then I changed my mind and told him it makes no sense to meet to talk if we are on different pages, and I don’t want to waste each other’s time. He said ok and wished me luck to find what I am looking for.

He keeps watching and liking my social media posts after this, but we didn’t talk again.

I can’t stop thinking about him now and I wished he wanted to date properly.

Am I being an idiot for wanting that and thinking he’ll change his mind, and should I just forget him completely and move on?

I am talking to other men and going on dates, but can’t take him out of my mind. Thank you!

Edited August 30, 2022 by Marla

[introverted1]

24 minutes ago, Marla said:

Am I being an idiot for wanting that and thinking he’ll change his mind, and should I just forget him completely and move on?

Yes.

He has been honest about his interest and it doesn't align with yours. No point in sticking around and continuing to be disappointed by a situation you are a willing participant in.

If you want a relationship, seek out relationship-minded men and don't waste your time with guys who make it clear that are looking for a FWB or FB situation.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Marla said:

should I just forget him completely and move on?

Absolutely, unequivocally - yes. 

He's been clear more than once that he doesn't want to date you. It is useless to sit around and wait and hope he changes his mind. If he hasn't by now, he's never going to. Just block him and keep it that way, girl. 

[Versacehottie]

Sounds like he's setting you up to string you along. 

A few Instagram likes and watching your stories is an easy and minimal investment for him to make into "anything" with you.....and he's still been very clear about what it would be.  You've been doing a pretty good job of saying what you want and that it doesn't align. You just have doubt because you like him which seems normal. You just need to stay strong...and keep dating others. Good luck 

[Marla]

5 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Sounds like he's setting you up to string you along. 

A few Instagram likes and watching your stories is an easy and minimal investment for him to make into "anything" with you.....and he's still been very clear about what it would be.  You've been doing a pretty good job of saying what you want and that it doesn't align. You just have doubt because you like him which seems normal. You just need to stay strong...and keep dating others. Good luck 

Thank you! Yes I do like him and would like to see him, but then I remember the awful feeling I get when after the deed he walks away and doesn’t even spend the night and I am left alone and down, and is not worth it.

Men can separate things, I can’t. To me sex is part of emotional intimacy too, and my brain cannot understand I am having regular sex with a man I am not in a relationship with.

So I told him what I want and liking my stories is not enough to make me change my mind at all. Either he steps up or I am out, as much as it hurts for me to not see him again.

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Marla said:

Either he steps up or I am out, as much as it hurts for me to not see him again.

He's not going to "step up."

He's already decided, and you've already decided what to do with him. Does that even make any sense to you?

Don't spend time with anyone who doesn't add value to your life. Draw your boundaries, make decisive decisions, and go find what you want.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Marla said:

he asked if I want to meet for sex. I told him I don’t like meeting just for sex and that I am looking for a relationship with the right person. He said he isn’t looking for that

He is not the right man for you. You're looking for a relationship/BF. He is looking for hookups.

Delete and block him permanently from all your social media and messaging apps.

Instead, invest in yourself and your needs. Get a nice profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men you can date and build what you want with.

[Calmandfocused]

I read something the other day about men who return after a long period of absence and it made me laugh out loud. It went something along these lines; 

When a man returns, ask yourself this; 

 Is it because he’s had an epiphany and NOW realises just how special and valuable you actually are? 
 

Or, does he perceive you as the ideal candidate to fulfil his imminent needs,  and who (meanwhile) will tolerate any rinky dinky behaviour? 
 

I’ll let you be the one to answer that. My money is on option B. 
 

You made the right decision in my book. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He's not going to "step up."

Exactly. 

OP, at the risk of sounding insensitive , what is it you aren't understanding about that? 

There is nothing for him to step up, because he doesn't want to  step up for you. I don't mean that to be harsh but it appears as though you are in some denial about this. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Marla said:

Thank you! Yes I do like him and would like to see him, but then I remember the awful feeling I get when after the deed he walks away and doesn’t even spend the night and I am left alone and down, and is not worth it.

Men can separate things, I can’t. To me sex is part of emotional intimacy too, and my brain cannot understand I am having regular sex with a man I am not in a relationship with.

So I told him what I want and liking my stories is not enough to make me change my mind at all. Either he steps up or I am out, as much as it hurts for me to not see him again.

You are doing well. I just hear some subtext where it sounds like the door is still open, such as in this reply (bolded). Shut the door, girl  It's your best chance if you ever are going to end up together is to hold out for the terms you want--hard because you can't necessarily trust him to give them.  And it's your best chance to also get what you want...with someone else.

The bolded btw puts it in a limbo state where you are waiting for an answer to that question, perhaps sort of indefinitely. I feel like you asked and answered it if you told him that you want to date not just hookup and he was clear back. So don't leave yourself in limbo. It will be a good gift to give yourself to stick to what you want. Don't hold out for him at all but you know if/when life brings you some new information you can act on it, ie if he ever were to come back with a full offer, you can evaluate it at that time. Shut the door  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Marla said:

Am I being an idiot for wanting that and thinking he’ll change his mind, and should I just forget him completely and move on?

In one word - yes.  He has never lied to you  that he's not interested in sex.  You cannot sex him into a relationship.  I'm sure many woman have tried and failed.  You need to block him, who cares if he's reading your stories when he's bored or circling back around to have sex again then disappear again.  Why haven't you been dating other men after all this time?  That will take your mind off this guy.  He isn't relationship or boyfriend material and is honest about it which I respect.

[Marla]

50 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You are doing well. I just hear some subtext where it sounds like the door is still open, such as in this reply (bolded). Shut the door, girl  It's your best chance if you ever are going to end up together is to hold out for the terms you want--hard because you can't necessarily trust him to give them.  And it's your best chance to also get what you want...with someone else.

The bolded btw puts it in a limbo state where you are waiting for an answer to that question, perhaps sort of indefinitely. I feel like you asked and answered it if you told him that you want to date not just hookup and he was clear back. So don't leave yourself in limbo. It will be a good gift to give yourself to stick to what you want. Don't hold out for him at all but you know if/when life brings you some new information you can act on it, ie if he ever were to come back with a full offer, you can evaluate it at that time. Shut the door  

Thank you! I think the reason I came here is just to confirm my decision and to shut the door for good.

Yes he was honest and I appreciate that, so I have nothing to complain about him really. It was just a matter of ‘do I want to take his offer to just have sex or not’ and nothing else. And I do not. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Marla said:

Am I being an idiot for wanting that and thinking he’ll change his mind

If a man tells you that he does not want to be in a relationship, believe him.

This guy is wasting your time and jerking you around. He knows what you want, if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you he should have left you alone a long time ago…

[Alvi]

10 hours ago, Marla said:

I told him I don’t like meeting just for sex and that I am looking for a relationship with the right person. He said he isn’t looking for that, but that we can also meet somewhere just to talk.

The way I see it, is that this guy is being completely honest with you. I didn't read anywhere in your post that he is leading you on or if he is promising you anything. He tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, so why don't you believe him? Why do you think that he wants more if he liked this or that on a social media? Or if he followed your story or if he wants you to invite him somewhere. These things are truly meaningless. You want them to mean that he is after more than just sex but it is what it is. You are wasting your time on this guy if you want to have a long term relationship. For your own piece of mind, block him everywhere (and don't unblock him) and put a good dating profile on a reputable dating site.

 

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This guy is wasting your time and jerking you around. He knows what you want, if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you he should have left you alone a long time ago…

He is not jerking her around. She is wasting her own time on him. He told her few times that he doesn't want a relationship. Leave or stay is up to OP.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, you really are volunteering to be used and miserable here. Literally you are walking into this--eyes wide open.

You got some gf's you can talk to? You need people to talk to you to help get in your head, so that you can get your heart to let go of this self-destructive fantasy. You don't have to long after him just because you feel that way now. 

Go talk to the wisest people you know, share the situation and then listen. 

[Marla]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, you really are volunteering to be used and miserable here. Literally you are walking into this--eyes wide open.

You got some gf's you can talk to? You need people to talk to you to help get in your head, so that you can get your heart to let go of this self-destructive fantasy. You don't have to long after him just because you feel that way now. 

Go talk to the wisest people you know, share the situation and then listen. 

I talked to a long term girlfriend of mine and she advised me to have patience and that he probably just needs time because he got divorced recently. 

So not the best advice, especially because she is also hanging onto a guy who doesn’t commit to her and have left her before.

That is why I came here for advice. Is not a fantasy anymore with him, I see things clearly and I told him what I want and goodbye. Just need to cut that last bit of cord.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Marla

[Marla]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

The way I see it, is that this guy is being completely honest with you. I didn't read anywhere in your post that he is leading you on or if he is promising you anything. He tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, so why don't you believe him? Why do you think that he wants more if he liked this or that on a social media? Or if he followed your story or if he wants you to invite him somewhere. These things are truly meaningless. You want them to mean that he is after more than just sex but it is what it is. You are wasting your time on this guy if you want to have a long term relationship. For your own piece of mind, block him everywhere (and don't unblock him) and put a good dating profile on a reputable dating site.

 

He is not jerking her around. She is wasting her own time on him. He told her few times that he doesn't want a relationship. Leave or stay is up to OP.

True, he is not jerkind me around and he was honest and I appreciate that.

Now I was honest with him as well and told him what I want, and because we are on different pages makes no sense to meet even if just to have a chat.

Have a chat about what? Talking about mundane stuff about an hour in expectation of him getting laid again?

I prefer to spend that hour with a new man who is also looking for a relationship.

[Amy4love]

In a loud voice i would say ''YES'' 

c''mon this guy is only interested in using you as his sex toy... and you came right in his mind anytime he is in the mood for it.

Please get talking with other guys who value and are ready for a relationship. Don't waste your time with a Don Juan. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Marla said:

Have a chat about what? Talking about mundane stuff about an hour in expectation of him getting laid again?

Nailed it. 

He doesn't care about chatting. His aim is sex. You are right to forget that idea, and ignore the advice of your friend who's also hanging on to a man who doesn't want her. 

[Marla]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nailed it. 

He doesn't care about chatting. His aim is sex. You are right to forget that idea, and ignore the advice of your friend who's also hanging on to a man who doesn't want her. 

Yes he is probably like ‘I’ll chat for an hour and  pay for her coffee if that leads me to sex again’.

And what annoys me is that he is not stupid, he knows that if I say I want a relationship but still go meet him to chat knowing he just wants sex, he knows I like him and am one step away from having sex again. 

So no this time I do different and say no to giving him any of my energy.

My friend is a bit delusional I think. They got involved last year and then he walked away. They work in the same place and have been hanging out as friends, and he invites to go out and etc, the other day he invited her to have dinner at his, she said they kissed and that she could have stayed but she decided to leave. 

I asked if he said anything about getting back together or being in a relationship and she said he didn’t. 

She believes he needs time and at the right time he’ll open up. I think he is either emotionally unavailable or not interested. 

Edited August 31, 2022 by Marla

[Marla]

4 hours ago, Amy4love said:

In a loud voice i would say ''YES'' 

c''mon this guy is only interested in using you as his sex toy... and you came right in his mind anytime he is in the mood for it.

Please get talking with other guys who value and are ready for a relationship. Don't waste your time with a Don Juan. 

 

You are being kind in calling him a Don Juan. I would just call him a fu**boy!

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually don't see how he's a Don Juan, f-boy, or any other such thing. 

He has been honest all along. And you participated, knowing he didn't want what you wanted. Obviously he thought you were okay with this arrangement if you kept sleeping together anyway. That's on you, really, not him. 

He wants sex. You have also wanted sex (in the past) So it comes as no surprise that he tried his luck again. I don't really see a bad dude here, but I do see a woman who didn't respect her own boundaries. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. You are both just seeking it out from the wrong person. 

[Marla]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I actually don't see how he's a Don Juan, f-boy, or any other such thing. 

He has been honest all along. And you participated, knowing he didn't want what you wanted. Obviously he thought you were okay with this arrangement if you kept sleeping together anyway. That's on you, really, not him. 

He wants sex. You have also wanted sex (in the past) So it comes as no surprise that he tried his luck again. I don't really see a bad dude here, but I do see a woman who didn't respect her own boundaries. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. You are both just seeking it out from the wrong person. 

I never blamed him for anything. I actually said I am glad he was always honest. And that is exactly what made me like him.

I don’t even think I was lacking boundaries in the past when I had sex with him. I decided to try having a bit of fun (as in casual sex) with him and try it out, and then I realised that is not for me, and that is when I put my boundaries and left. 

He is a handsome man, I’m sure there’s another woman ok with that casual arrangement.

Yes is normal for him to come back and try again, especially because we did have chemistry. And again he is doing nothing wrong and being honest again.

I was respectful to him in being honest too and telling him this time I want to focus only on dating properly and finding the right person for a relationship. So he wished me luck and I wished him luck too. 

Edited August 31, 2022 by Marla

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I actually don't see how he's a Don Juan, f-boy, or any other such thing. 

He has been honest all along. And you participated, knowing he didn't want what you wanted. Obviously he thought you were okay with this arrangement if you kept sleeping together anyway. That's on you, really, not him. 

He wants sex. You have also wanted sex (in the past) So it comes as no surprise that he tried his luck again. I don't really see a bad dude here, but I do see a woman who didn't respect her own boundaries. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. You are both just seeking it out from the wrong person. 

Agree.

Stop having sex with him. As you have seen, your casual relationship looked fun when you began it. Now it's neither fun nor easy. 

He explicitly stated he didn't want a relationship: you turned a blind eye to it.

He gave you a brick, and you ignored it.

Yes. The notion that men aren't interested and still want to exchange love juices is quite absurd. That he'd expect you to engage in all kinds of sexual acts. Why doesn't he hop on a bus to another woman and leave you to put your time, attention, and, ah, bodily fluids elsewhere?

It is unfortunate that some people enjoy sleeping with someone who seems crazy about them and believes that a relationship is going somewhere. 

Bricks of closure are often ignored. Fortunately, you have all the answers you need right at your fingertips. Even if some information he gave you wasn't as clear as you'd like. He does not want a relationship with you. Others will. You lay the brick.

[Marla]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree.

Stop having sex with him. As you have seen, your casual relationship looked fun when you began it. Now it's neither fun nor easy. 

He explicitly stated he didn't want a relationship: you turned a blind eye to it.

He gave you a brick, and you ignored it.

Yes. The notion that men aren't interested and still want to exchange love juices is quite absurd. That he'd expect you to engage in all kinds of sexual acts. Why doesn't he hop on a bus to another woman and leave you to put your time, attention, and, ah, bodily fluids elsewhere?

It is unfortunate that some people enjoy sleeping with someone who seems crazy about them and believes that a relationship is going somewhere. 

Bricks of closure are often ignored. Fortunately, you have all the answers you need right at your fingertips. Even if some information he gave you wasn't as clear as you'd like. He does not want a relationship with you. Others will. You lay the brick.

I stopped having sex with him at the beginning of the year - wasn’t that clear on my question?

Edited August 31, 2022 by Marla