Guest007 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I have been married for 5 years and we have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. The marriage has been pretty good, of course, it has had its ups and downs. About a month after starting our relationship, my wife to be, blatently lied to me about something. I told her that the most important thing to me is trust and conveyed to her that I would rather she told me the truth no matter how much she taught it would hurt me than to lie to me. Three years later we were married. However, along our 5 years of marriage there have been other instances of blatant lying and being deceitfull, not telling me everything. I also discovered that she was brought up in a disfunctional family where lying is almost part of life. I find it difficult now to trust anything that she tells me. I wonder to myself, is she telling me the truth, is there something that she is not telling me. On top of all of this, I think that she has had an affair about a year ago. She left on a flight today to go to the town where we used to live, in order to see some friends. However, the guy that she had an affair with also lives close to there. Before she left, she was acting very suspicious. I think she may go visit him while she is over there. I don't think she is in love with this guy, I think she is having fun. I know some of you are saying, why am I still with her if trust is so important to me and she cheated on me. Well, she is a pretty good liar and I could never find proof of her relationship. I wouldn't want to end a marriage based on instinct. I did ask her if she had an affair but of course, she said no. So where is all this leading? well, from her actions and after finding suspicious phone number in her mobile phone. It has confirmed to me that something did go on. I am now comtemplating leaving her. But should I leave her based on this?
Bryanp Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Hello, I would suggest that you immediately contact a private investigator from the city your wife is visiting and hire him. He will follow your wife and see if she is screwing around on you. The fact that she is an habitual liar and is deceitful more than likely would indicate she has no problem cheating on you.
Zaira Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Who cares about proof? She is not respecting you by lying and being deceitful. Without trust a relationship will never work. I would go with your gut instinct.
sunflower1008 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 So where is all this leading? well, from her actions and after finding suspicious phone number in her mobile phone. It has confirmed to me that something did go on. I think you answered your own question there. You definitely don't seem happy about this situation and it seems that she will always lie to you about something. Is that any way you want to live your life? Sit her down, talk to her and tell her to be completely honest. Even tell her that you can show proof of a suspicious affair. Then decide with your head what to do - not your heart. Good luck!
RecordProducer Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I think you need to find out the whole truth then pick one of these options: 1. If she was unfaithful: a) divorce her or b) forgive her and work on your marriage 2. If you don't discover any proof of infidelity in the past, you still need to make her change her behavior. Let her know that next time you catch her in a lie - it will be over between you and her.
Moose Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 you still need to make her change her behavior.Do you realize that this isn't going to work? You can't just make a person change their behaviour. Hence the term, "divorce".
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 She has to make a choice. Head to marriage counselling with you, fix the marriage and you both work together to find out what was/is missing from the marriage (not saying it's your fault she cheated, but she may not have felt her needs were being met somehow - SHe should have talked to you about it instead of choosing to cheat) or she can leave the marriage, the house and your daughter. Read afew other threads, Thumbingmyway, DazednConfused, Owl. Do a search on their names (or you can dig afew pages in the infidelity section here) and read what they went through when their wives had affairs. Could give you some insight on how to approach and deal with your wife.
RecordProducer Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Do you realize that this isn't going to work? You can't just make a person change their behaviour. Hence the term, "divorce". I couldn't possibly be with someone who lies and whom I don't trust, but you can't just advise someone to divorce especially when they have a 4-year old kid. It has to be HIS decision.
weescotslassie Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I have been married for 5 years and we have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. The marriage has been pretty good, of course, it has had its ups and downs. About a month after starting our relationship, my wife to be, blatently lied to me about something. I told her that the most important thing to me is trust and conveyed to her that I would rather she told me the truth no matter how much she taught it would hurt me than to lie to me. Three years later we were married. However, along our 5 years of marriage there have been other instances of blatant lying and being deceitfull, not telling me everything. I also discovered that she was brought up in a disfunctional family where lying is almost part of life. I find it difficult now to trust anything that she tells me. I wonder to myself, is she telling me the truth, is there something that she is not telling me. On top of all of this, I think that she has had an affair about a year ago. She left on a flight today to go to the town where we used to live, in order to see some friends. However, the guy that she had an affair with also lives close to there. Before she left, she was acting very suspicious. I think she may go visit him while she is over there. I don't think she is in love with this guy, I think she is having fun. I know some of you are saying, why am I still with her if trust is so important to me and she cheated on me. Well, she is a pretty good liar and I could never find proof of her relationship. I wouldn't want to end a marriage based on instinct. I did ask her if she had an affair but of course, she said no. So where is all this leading? well, from her actions and after finding suspicious phone number in her mobile phone. It has confirmed to me that something did go on. I am now comtemplating leaving her. But should I leave her based on this? Hi, it sounds to me like you could be looking into things too much. Are you naturally a suspicious person, or has her actions made you that way? Sometimes people need to take a step back and have a look at the bigger picture. Is your wife happy in the marriage? Are there issues or problems between you both that haven't/yet to be resolved? If she is acting suspiciously, then you need to find out why. At the end of the day, there's always a reason behind peoples actions, and if she is having an affair, then you both need to ask why. Is the marriage worth saving if she has cheated on you, or would that be the straw that broke the camels back? Please remember that you have to do what's right by your daughter. Seek marriage counselling if you have to. If she is lying on a regular basis, she needs help with that also. Good luck!
goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Did you take down the number on her phone and call it to see who it was?
TMCM Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I couldn't possibly be with someone who lies and whom I don't trust, but you can't just advise someone to divorce especially when they have a 4-year old kid. It has to be HIS decision. Of course he is but he is asking for advice in order to make it. I agree that the best interests of the child should be paramount but not at the expense of POTENTIALLY having him resent his child for staying married to her unfaithful mother. Bitter men seldom make good fathers. TMCM
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