Played by my Neighbor!

May 29, 2023

35 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

Hate to say it but I am/was inexperienced. I assumed his flirting was genuine until I figured out it wasn’t. I know that now. I’m not used to dating in these new times of hookups and dishonesty. I don’t feel like a victim but I am offended. It was hurtful. That someone I knew for so long who I thought was a friend really wasn’t. He wanted me for a hookup. But now he’s together with this girl? Like who wouldn’t be offended and slammed by that especially when it’s right there in my face. At my home.

Your accent sounds like you're in the North America, so it's highly unlikely you grew up in a conservative bubble where there was no casual sex. You're my age, and we came of age in the 80's and those years were full of hookups. As were the 70's. It all came with the sexual revolution. And yes, I got burned a few times when I hooked up with guys who I thought wanted me as a girlfriend, but you've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it and get on with life.

There was no dishonesty with this neighbour of yours: It was quite clear that he wanted sex with you. But that doesn't preclude him from also being a friend. "Friends with benefits" is a thing.

As bothersome as it may be for you, he's really not doing anything wrong by being with this younger woman. He's moved on and so should you.

Quote

In the last 5 years I moved to this new condo and at the time was sooo happy because I was being bullied by an alcoholic neighbor at my old place.. I lost both my pets to old age. 3 of my very close friends died. My Family is elderly and all they do is get ready to die. I don’t think I can afford to see a therapist right now. I have a few friends left but we are all busy and only get together a few times a month if that. Everything just really completely sucks now in my life. And now that I see that I’ll have to deal with this neighbor thing all summer long I just don’t know what to do.

It's good that you've got some friends, but clearly you need more. Can you start a new hobby? Take an adult education class and learn a new skill? What about the website Meetup.com which is all about finding friends with similar interests?

Do you feel strong enough to try dating?

May 29, 2023

2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

. I am an old single woman. I just feel so lost and miserable.

Sorry this is happening. Do you work? Do you have friends and family nearby? Try joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Perhaps you are just feeling lonely but perhaps you are withdrawn because of depression or other underlying conditions.

It's impractical to move however you can make improvements in your own life and sense of wellbeing.

May 29, 2023

@Hopeful714 Obsessing about this guy is really just a symptom of your feelings of low self worth. As long as you seek external validation as a means to feel good about yourself, these things will continue to happen. And it sounds like a similar pattern you’ve experienced for awhile. You have to break the cycle. I’d strongly suggest therapy - look to see if there are any inexpensive “Zoom” style therapists.

May 29, 2023

7 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

So I know everyone is going to say just don’t let it bother you. But it does. I feel insecure that I have no one, I’m here alone and this dude is now with this chick that is 27 years younger than me. I feel like he has said something to her about me because when she sees me she gets all loud like she’s trying to intimidate me. How can I deal with this uncomfortable situation?

Can you limit your contact with your neighbor? If you see them, just go a different way.

You can avoid walking on the same street or path as your neighbor, avoid visiting common places (particularly if you know that they frequent those places), and do not engage in any unnecessary conversations when crossing paths.

Don't give yourself the opportunity to think about what he is doing or the dynamics between himself and this other person. Instead, use that time to practice self-care and do whatever else makes you happy and fills your time.

Have you tried Yoga or walking?

Sometimes the best way to deal with a situation is to simply try to give it as little thought as possible. While your neighbor's relationship may bother you, it is really not any of your business, and so the less you think about it and fill your mind with other things, the better.

4 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I lost both my pets to old age. 3 of my very close friends died. My Family is elderly and all they do is get ready to die. I don’t think I can afford to see a therapist right now. I have a few friends left but we are all busy and only get together a few times a month if that. Everything just really completely sucks now in my life.

That does sound sucky.

Facing multiple losses can be overwhelming.

Hope you feel better.

May 29, 2023

12 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

So I know everyone is going to say just don’t let it bother you. But it does. I feel insecure that I have no one, I’m here alone and this dude is now with this chick that is 27 years younger than me. I feel like he has said something to her about me because when she sees me she gets all loud like she’s trying to intimidate me. How can I deal with this uncomfortable situation?

Your ANSWER is right here in the above (bolded)...GET SOMEONE.

This wouldn't bother you as much if you were living your life and a fulfilling one at that. It still might not be easy at first but you have to give yourself a chance vs pining for some guy who is in another relationship or didn't choose you. Obviously directly finding someone to date is a good idea but I also would guess your life is too empty if you are fixated on this and you need to "fill it up" with things you enjoy etc (friends, family, activities, socializing, hobbies, going after career dream's etc).

May 29, 2023

I agree that the issue is you need friends. Maybe you could try attending church ( a lot of the large ones have many activities for single people), volunteering is a great way to meet new people also. Even if you and your other friends only see each other 3 times a month, have them over and entertain tell them to bring a friend. It was clear that sex was all your neighbor was interested in in your first thread about him. When you told him you were looking for a boyfriend and he said "he wasn't stopping you from dating" should have told you all you needed to know and that he only wanted a roll in the hay with you. I don't understand why you haven't blocked him just to make sure you don't hear from him again. It's doubtful he's discussing you with that girl so don't let him make you paranoid.

May 29, 2023

Are you on any of a dating sites? Are you going on any dates? Sure, you are probably going to meet many frogs but you never know, you might meet your price charming. Also, why don't register with a Meetup group and go do some activities with them?

I don't think that this guy has ever led you on. You can safely assume that someone is not interested in dating you if he or she hasn't asked you out on a proper date while knowing you for 18 years. 18 years is almost like a lifetime! Which guy would turn down a potential hook-up if the opportunity presents itself? Some would but some would not. I mean, you were single, he was single, the opportunity was there, so, yeah. You turned him down and that is it.

P.S. Have you gotten yourself checked by the doctor lately? It is very much possible that your hormones are out of whack and this is why you feel so sad and depressed.

May 29, 2023

I’m feeling a little better today. Almost thankful to be going back to work tomorrow. I’m really not pining for this guy as everyone thinks. I did turn him down many times, basically told him to leave me alone on our last meeting and have blocked him and haven’t talked since. I Know I did the right thing. What I don’t get is that my friends who know about all this say what a creep but on here everyone blames me. I don’t think this guy ever takes girls on dates!. Who lives w 3 different women and commits to none? Not even to the baby mama? They all left him. I do think he’s a creep. And I’m not saying that to be a victim. It Just sucks it’s in my face and that’s when it really bothers me.

I agree with the comment I am insecure because I have no one. I do keep busy as possible w friends, work, family, gym but I still have too much down time. I really don’t like dating sites. Amazing though how so many people I know just met someone and for some reason I just can’t. I’m tired of games. Tired of People wanting FWB or casual. Like I’m going to be 58. I don’t want to repeat mistakes of my past . I don’t want to be used. I’m scared of catching STD’s from F boys. Just tired of being the forever single girl.

May 29, 2023

Finding another man isn't the source or solution to your insecurity. Sorry to break it to you. If you don't address the underlying issues of insecurity, you will just end up in the same situation with someone else.

May 29, 2023

39 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

. I really don’t like dating sites.

That may be so, however it's something you should have in your dating toolbox. Just like having a resume on hand. You're not going to get a job or a date just looking out the window.

Get a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused dating apps.

There may be less scammers on paid sites and perhaps a different population than hookup free apps. There may be better screening and matching tools on certain quality paid apps.

Start talking to and meeting men. Think of it as just having coffee.

May 29, 2023

2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

What I don’t get is that my friends who know about all this say what a creep but on here everyone blames me. I don’t think this guy ever takes girls on dates!. Who lives w 3 different women and commits to none? Not even to the baby mama? They all left him. I do think he’s a creep. And I’m not saying that to be a victim. It Just sucks it’s in my face and that’s when it really bothers me.

Ah, so you do have friends! Glad to hear they are lurking somewhere in the woodwork. Thing is, it's a friends job to agree that he's a creep and that you were hard done by. But when you come here, you don't get friend advice, you get objective advice. But we still all want the best outcome for you.

With respect to us not saying that he's a creep, it's just that the bolded really isn't part of the equation and this is why I haven't gotten bogged down in it.

May 30, 2023

5 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

What I don’t get is that my friends who know about all this say what a creep but on here everyone blames me.

Nobody is blaming you on here. I totally understand how you feel. Trust me, I been there a time or two myself. But it makes me incredibly sad to see how much time and energy has been wasted by you on this guy. I think that you are right about him being a not very good character. In fact, I think this guy is very shady. This is not someone you should either be friends nor have anything to do with. But you have wasted 18 years on this winner. Almost two decades! And now, when you told him a hard no, and blocked him, you are still very much fixated on this guy. He hasn't even done anything for 10 month now. Nor has he ever tried to contact you since. But it appears that he is living rent free in your head. He has totally moved on with his life and you need to do the same. Something keeps you attached to this guy and you are not going to be able to set yourself free till you find out that that is.

The best thing for you would be to get some counselling. But since you can't the next best thing would be for you to move. But you can't do that either. So, what else is left? Try to keep busy. And, I mean, very busy. So busy that you don't have a time to notice or to care what he does with his new GF or how much time he spends with her. That means that you have to get out of your house more. Get a new part-time weekend job if you can. You should be spending a lot more time outside with a nice summer weather. Go for a walk in a park, read a book outside somewhere. Treat yourself to a nice dinner at a restaurant, go to a coffee shop. Go do some activities. Now about swimming at a local pool? You don't have to be good at it and you certainly don't need to have the best body, lol. This is a good way to meet some new people and to make some new friends. Meet with you friends once or twice a month. It is very good that you do have some friends. Join a new meetup group and go do something with them. Yes, I do encourage you to join a few dating sites. No, it is not going to solve all your life problems but think about this more as an adventure. If nothing else, perhaps you are going to make a gentleman friend or two down the road. Make a good profile description and put some nice pictures of yourself and be very upfront about wanting to find someone for a long term. Don't settle for anything less. Keep an open mind and you never know, maybe you are going to find someone special when you least expect it. Don't get discouraged and try to develop a thicker skin when it comes to on-line dating.

May 30, 2023

9 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

What I don’t get is that my friends who know about all this say what a creep but on here everyone blames me.

No one is "blaming" you for anything, but we all are telling you that you're the only one responsible for your choices. The guy is not responsible for your choices.

I am probably older than you are. I said this before: things were WORSE when we were younger. Hookup culture, like it or not, is a lot more honest than guys trying to "get into girls' pants" by telling them lies. I know that goes on all the time still, but the hookup thing, which is what your neighbor was trying to get you on board with, is quite straightforward. HE was straightforward.

May 30, 2023

Are you able to go on vacation and reset? I get the sense you’re feeling invaded and upset here by the neighbours (this guy and the woman). Pack your bags and pamper yourself. Come back when you’re feeling refreshed and with a new set of eyes on this. Really- who cares what they’re doing or what anyone else is doing.

I’ve heard of individuals feeling limited or not willing to do things like travel and go out of their comfort zone without a partner. Is this the case? Don’t be afraid to strike out and explore. It may give you a new perspective to life in general and shrug off some of that really negative view about being single. Maybe you’ll feel more confident also and open to online dating or going out to meet ups.

The negative outlook has to stop. People avoid that. Yeah this guy could have been a creep but he’s someone else’s problem. He’s not interested, not your problem. Don’t make it one. You have one life.. go live it up.

Edited May 30, 2023 by glows

May 30, 2023

19 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

What I don’t get is that my friends who know about all this say what a creep but on here everyone blames me.

I think like Nuevo said we aren't blaming you. Your real life friends are for one type of support and people here will tell you what your friends might be thinking but is too confrontational and not helpful if they are going to remain in your life. I would venture a guess that some, if not all of them, think similarly to what has been voiced here. Whether the guy is a jerk or not, wronged you or whatever, the thing that is best for YOU, is to move on with your life. Your friends will let you vent and listen to your agony about him because they care about you...but another way to care about you that is productive is to figure out how to get you out of the situation you are in...which is what lots here are doing.

If you say you are insecure or feeling that in some ways, then you have to ACTIVELY work on that. Having a fuller life and yes, dating people will help. It will all build upon each other if you are committed to it and the process. If you start caring about your looks and paying attention because you have somewhere to go socially or a date, it will make you feel more confident which is usually a positive circle where you will take more chances socially and in dating. And your confidence will grow. Likewise, if you take more chances socially, you will be inspired to look after yourself, physically and mentally and each side feeds each other to grow what your outcomes in life can be.

Sometimes I think people who pine after someone that they cannot have really don't want to make room for A person in their life, romantically or even social friends. Could it be that you might be more comfortable doing nothing, staying home and fixating on some guy you cannot be with almost as a way NOT to live your life and face rejection? I think that possibly could be part of it--based on how you talk about yourself in this thread. I do think you can work on all the things that guide you to a more fulfilling life and better confidence--including dating someone else. I didn't particularly get the feeling that you are looking to place all your worth externally--maybe partially but lots of us do that. I'm sure that putting yourself out there and doing some self work SIMULTANEOUSLY (which is necessary to improve your social and dating life anyway) will have benefits for you. Neither is a substitute for the other--they work hand-in-hand. But ultimately I do think you should work toward that goal since one of your prime complaints is that you feel lonely--so you do need to fill your life up with other people...including a boyfriend (whether that happens right away or a little bit down the road)....Basically if your life was full, you would be less fixated on what this guy is doing. I think in some ways, he's just symbolic for the things you aren't liking about your life and lack of confidence or a sure path of how to proceed. Good luck

May 31, 2023

So glad to be back to work today and my routine. I usually go to the gym or am out walking at least 5 days a week. I enjoyed conversing with my friends at work. Didn’t mention this to anyone since I don’t talk about this there but as usual I wish I could have told everyone of a fantastic weekend instead of this debacle. I just said it was “ok”.

i really really really want everyone here to know I have not pined for this guy for 20 years. Back then and till I moved here I looked at him as just a guy I found cute and had some fun times with. Back then I was dating, and had a relationship so no, I have not been fixated on him this whole entire time!

since I moved here 4 yrs ago and he started his crap in 2020 of breadcrumbing me and schmoozing me w fake compliments not to mention laying on the charm is where things went awry. I was very confused about what he was doing and his intentions and I make excuses for his behavior. I should have gotten rid of him earlier. I know that. Maybe because we had known each other so long is why I did not. I think the huge point I missed is that when someone makes you feel confused it is NEVER good… and that is when you leave as opposed to hanging around trying to make sense out of nonsense.

All that said, what is really uncomfortable is having this so close to home. If he was a couple buildings down it wouldn’t be a big deal but everyone likes to look out their windows and all my windows directly face his place! I don’t know if they’re really involved and it’s none of my business but this closeness and proximity is what is truly bothering me. Seeing and hearing them right there laughing ha ha ha and carrying on for several hours was annoying .you can’t tell me this ain’t a big ego trip for him also. My fear is that this is going to be a regular thing and THAT troubles me and brings out the insecurities of me Sitting home alone (if I am home). I will then have to shut all my blinds and windows so I don’t hear and see this. I don’t want to hear or see this and I don’t want them to think I’m eavesdropping when I’m not! It just sucks and yes I am insecure about that.

in the meantime I realize I have a few other things to work on to get where I want to be. This incident was just very jarring because of the reasons above. And, as someone mentioned I did feel invaded a bit.

May 31, 2023

11 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

So glad to be back to work today and my routine. I usually go to the gym or am out walking at least 5 days a week. I enjoyed conversing with my friends at work. Didn’t mention this to anyone since I don’t talk about this there but as usual I wish I could have told everyone of a fantastic weekend instead of this debacle. I just said it was “ok”.

Excellent.

Keep taking proactive steps to stay busy.

Not just to keep your mind off but exercise and friends is good for you.

Diminishing insecurity is a practice, and it will take a long time - just like it took a long time for the romantic feeling you have for your neighbor to reinforce its hold on you.

May 31, 2023

14 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

since I moved here 4 yrs ago and he started his crap in 2020 of breadcrumbing me and schmoozing me w fake compliments not to mention laying on the charm is where things went awry. I was very confused about what he was doing and his intentions and I make excuses for his behavior. I should have gotten rid of him earlier. I know that. Maybe because we had known each other so long is why I did not. I think the huge point I missed is that when someone makes you feel confused it is NEVER good… and that is when you leave as opposed to hanging around trying to make sense out of nonsense.

Yes, exactly, we all been there done that. That is OK, you have told him "No" ten month ago. All is good.

14 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Sitting home alone (if I am home). I will then have to shut all my blinds and windows so I don’t hear and see this. I don’t want to hear or see this and I don’t want them to think I’m eavesdropping when I’m not! It just sucks and yes I am insecure about that.

Keep yourself busy. So busy that, in fact, you are not going to notice what is going on outside. Turn a loud music or a TV on when they are starting getting too rowdy outside. Not loud enough to disturb other neighbors but loud enough for you to not to hear them. Keep reminding yourself this saying "This too shall pass." In other words, you are going to be fine in a long run.

Edited May 31, 2023 by Alvi

May 31, 2023

15 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Seeing and hearing them right there laughing ha ha ha and carrying on for several hours was annoying .

I wonder if you could do something about this. Could you talk to some other neighbors and see if they also think that this "couple" and their kids are too loud and disturbing. If so, would filing a complaint to the condo board be possible? I don't know if this is going to work. Just a suggestion.

May 31, 2023

I can't remember if you own or rent - if you rent, you might actually be able to move into a different unit in that complex where you won't be neighbors. Sounds like a big place.

May 31, 2023

19 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

brings out the insecurities of me Sitting home alone (if I am home). I will then have to shut all my blinds and windows so I don’t hear and see this.

Try to focus on improving your own life. That's seems to be why you're annoyed at this.

May 31, 2023

19 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

you can’t tell me this ain’t a big ego trip for him also. My fear is that this is going to be a regular thing and THAT troubles me and brings out the insecurities of me Sitting home alone (if I am home). I will then have to shut all my blinds and windows so I don’t hear and see this. I don’t want to hear or see this and I don’t want them to think I’m eavesdropping when I’m not! It just sucks and yes I am insecure about that.

Honesly after all the time that has passed I doubt if this guy is even thinkiing about you. I don't mean to be cruel but he is just living his life and has become friends with his young neighbor next door. They may just be real friends and not even romantically involved. It's nice that you work out and go on walks but you need to be with other people. Try volunteering so your mind and heart can get involved with things that add to your life and puts you in a position to meet new people. Whether he actually dates other women and takes them out is irrevelant at this point, especially after all of this time.

May 31, 2023

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Honesly after all the time that has passed I doubt if this guy is even thinkiing about you. I don't mean to be cruel but he is just living his life and has become friends with his young neighbor next door. They may just be real friends and not even romantically involved. It's nice that you work out and go on walks but you need to be with other people. Try volunteering so your mind and heart can get involved with things that add to your life and puts you in a position to meet new people. Whether he actually dates other women and takes them out is irrevelant at this point, especially after all of this time.

I agree that he is certainly just living his life. Whether it is with the current woman he seems to be hanging out with or someone else, it would all probably sting, IF you, OP, aren't maximizing your own life.

I like the idea of walks, workouts, some friend stuff as you've been doing, OP, but it doesn't seem to be ENOUGH for you to feel fulfilled or that you are just passing time. Those are a good start and a standard to include in your life...now how are you going to take the next step so you don't feel lonely and bothered by what he's doing. I still maintain if you had your own romantic life going you wouldn't be bothered by what he's doing (or barely, let's say).

I think Alvi's suggestion to maybe make a noise complaint, might feel a little gratifying in some ways but I wouldn't recommend it personally (sorry, Alvi--I totally get that it was a well-meant idea)...IMO, I think you need to take focus OFF him him and onto yourself. I think even when we focus on people in a negative way, it still fills us up and prevents us from replacing them or directing our energy elsewhere. So, at best, something like this would be a bandaid solution. It's like "investment"...it keeps you overly invested in someone who can't/won't give you what you want/need. We have a finite amount of time and energy so I'd say the best "investment" for you is to move toward creating the life you want. *also if you rallied this with other neighbors, it would create a whole drama around him/you; and unwanted and the wrong type of attention from him if he found out what you were doing....not to mention the reason for doing it would come off--and very likely is--partly due to jealousy and envy. Envy is a guide to show you what it is that YOU want. You are envious of this girl/what he has in a seemingly fulfilling relationship because that is what you want. I'm guessing you mentioned her age/looks because you haven't given full/proper attention to yours and/or even if you look pretty good, you are not getting the chance to utilize those looks in gaining guys' attention by dating, flirting, socializing. So those are instant things that if you gave attention and investment to in your own life, should start to turn things around for you. I'm not promising it won't be bumpy, especially if your confidence is low or you feel insecure. But you won't become more secure by sitting at home on your couch being annoyed by his noise outside with his new gf and writing letters to HOA to try to get them to shut up, motivated in part by feeling rejected...that might make the noise stop but you won't feel any less rejected. In fact, the whole debacle will be on display for others to gossip about and you to stew on it and him to lose respect for you, further compounding your feelings of inferiority.

What are you going to do to change your life? If you won't move (i don't think you need to do that either), then the only real solution is to change the life you DO have. You don't think it would feel good to stroll through the courtyard with some guy you are dating or on your way to a date or a party? That is symbolic too..Like you aren't going to sit your life on the sidelines.

June 1, 2023

During the week isn’t bad. I can handle it. I wake up super early and am out of the house at 7a not to return till 6:30p. When I get home it’s dinner, shower and prepare all my things for the next day so I am very busy. There are a few “run in’s” for lack of better terms. Today the girl was out by her garage bbq-ing with someone (don’t know who… as they were standing in her garage). I just mind my own business, I don’t look, and act nonchalant as I walk from my garage to my building but I swear I feel this chick eyeing me. As I was packing my gym bag later, I see the guy neighbor strolling by my place on his phone. Whatever, like I said it’s during the week and I’m busy.

I own my condo here. I Don’t plan on living here forever, but I need to stay a while longer and right now its not optimal to move. This place can be a drama pit so I know to MYOB and not say anything about noise. I will say however, if there is going to be ongoing noise regularly, people will be pissed because it’s generally very quiet here and there are many people older than myself in the near vicinity who like it that way. In fact, not to diss this girl but she’s got a bit of a rep here for being a troublemaker and inconsiderate.

At the gym today I saw this guy who seems interested in me. I think? Who knows anymore, but he walks by often trying to be noticed. I think he’s cute but it’s hard to talk to people at the gym and I’d say he’s a good number of years younger than I am so I find that concerning.

im trying to think of what else I can do. Weekend evenings if I’m home are the worst. I will say though I am feeling much better but I am having a bit of anxiety with the weekend approaching.

Also, next week I am picking up my Invisalign trays. I have a nice smile currently, but as we know things tend to move at this age and I wanted to straighten a few teeth and make the improvement. I’m thinking OMG how is this going to affect dating and trying to meet new potentials?

i am picking myself up and will make it through all this somehow.

June 1, 2023

I'm sorry that you dealt with this for no less than 20 years. But who am I to say on this? I had one of these neighbor affairs once myself, it went on for a few years but then he got a girlfriend about a year or so ago. And another who treats me like s*** that has been going on for about this long as well. But I digress...

Move on. Just don't accept his invites or respond to texts,block him and move on with things.

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