Played by my Neighbor!

[glows]

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Why is nobody understanding me? I didn’t carry a torch for this guy for 2 decades!!!!! I didn’t even really start liking him till I moved to my new condo and he started flirting with me. Also by the nature of his flirting I thought he liked me. Wouldn’t anyone think the same if someone told you they liked you and flirted for 2 years ? Sorry I’m old school. Back in my day if someone acted like the liked you they did. I feel like everyone is putting this on me. Ok! I’m a big huge fool then.   But now I’m in so much pain.  This is my home and I’m so uncomfortable here now!

I just got home from work and him his kid and this young chick with her kid who apparently seems to be his new gf now (cuz she’s walking in and out of his place like she is) are right out there playing in my face. And  Im all alone here on love shack.  I feel so uncomfortable and crying because all my happiness of my new place is gone. I can’t even get a date lest a bf and now I have to watch this new budding romance happen right in front of my place? Ok, so I closed my blinds again. Another night in the cave.

 

 

 

I think you’re misinterpreting what was being said. A lot of the posts are encouraging you to think for a second and not let your emotions completely overrule thought. This is your home and you’re the only one who gets to decide how you feel about it. I suggested that it’s ok to feel sad but I think you’re also not recognizing you had a hand to play in this. 

The only way you’ll feel better about yourself is feeling less sorry over something that wasn’t meant to be. And recognizing that you’re empowered and can decide how you wish to move past this. From experience healing comes a lot faster when we recognize where we went wrong and learn from our mistakes. 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Why is nobody understanding me? I didn’t carry a torch for this guy for 2 decades!!!!! 

I may have gotten confused with the timeline, but didn't the initial making out happen 18 or 16 years ago?  

Quote

 

didn’t even really start liking him till I moved to my new condo and he started flirting with me. Also by the nature of his flirting I thought he liked me. Wouldn’t anyone think the same if someone told you they liked you and flirted for 2 years ? Sorry I’m old school. Back in my day if someone acted like the liked you they did. I feel like everyone is putting this on me. Ok! I’m a big huge fool then.   But now I’m in so much pain.  This is my home and I’m so uncomfortable here now!

I'm older than you, and "old school."  I remember guys that were called "mashers" and there were also those who were called "playboys" back in the day.   They acted like they liked girls / women and they were really just fooling around.  I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.  

I'm sincerely sorry that you are feeling so badly.  My hope remains, though, that you will STOP handing all the power you have over your whole life to this person who has never really gotten close to you.  And hoping, too, that this is a phase of being all tore up that you have to go through and pretty soon you will be back to doing whatever brings you joy and has zero to do with this guy and whatever women he's messing around with.

 

 

Quote

I

 

 

 

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

Yes Basil And I knew that deep down inside my gut. And someone his age should know that too. So shame on him for trying to schmooze sex from his neighbor. Creep.

Neither of you are wrong.  It's just that the two of you wanted different things.   Had you ever experienced guys trying it on in the past? 

[mark clemson]

It's too bad you feel upset. To my mind this is a big nothingburger. If you felt his innuendos were rude/inappropriate you should have simply never engaged back, simple as that. But you clearly did, even inviting him over. TBF it feels a bit like maybe you're rewriting history through a lens of bitterness here. Furthermore there's no law/social code that says neighbors are "off limits" for things like flirting or romance.

JMO, but I think the sad part of this is that you "caught feelings" to some extent while it seems clear that to him the flirting was just meaningless fun and possibly an opportunity for fooling around.

Once you're fully and truly over it, him flirting with the other neighbor lady won't bother you so much. You'll just shrug and thing "whatever". The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

[Hopeful714]

I think part of the reason I’m so upset is that one, my ego is bruised and two I moved here to escape the neighbor from he** and now here’s this issue in my face destroying my peace cuz I don’t want to go home.

I really didn’t flirt back sexually with this guy. I avoided it. And again I invited him in because we spent many times at each others places in the past (yrs ago)where this wasn’t an issue.Actually this whole situation could have been avoided if he just came out and said what he was looking for. But he didn’t. He knew I liked him and figured I’d back down. 

And sure I can understand guys “trying someone on” for sex and can truthfully admit I did the same and sometimes it did lead to a relationship. However, they weren’t successful. I just wanted to do things differently this time And know the person first and then decide if I want to sleep with them as opposed to jumping in first and finding out later that the guy is a a -hole.  As a matter of fact I found love shack years ago when I slept with someone on the first date and was in a 1.5 yr relationship with him while he cheated on me the whole time! 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hopeful714 said:

Quote

I think part of the reason I’m so upset is that one, my ego is bruised and two I moved here to escape the neighbor from he** and now here’s this issue in my face destroying my peace cuz I don’t want to go home.

So now you know not to fall for a neighbor.  It's too messy if things don't pan out the way you want them to.

 

Quote

I really didn’t flirt back sexually with this guy. I avoided it. And again I invited him in because we spent many times at each others places in the past (yrs ago)where this wasn’t an issue.Actually this whole situation could have been avoided if he just came out and said what he was looking for. But he didn’t. He knew I liked him and figured I’d back down. 

If you never flirted back with him or had sex with him why is your ego bruised.  He has no idea you even like him.  Did you ever ask him what he was looking for?  If not, why should he come out and tell you.  How did he even know you liked him if you never flirted or did anythiing?

 

Quote

And sure I can understand guys “trying someone on” for sex and can truthfully admit I did the same and sometimes it did lead to a relationship. However, they weren’t successful. I just wanted to do things differently this time And know the person first and then decide if I want to sleep with them as opposed to jumping in first and finding out later that the guy is a a -hole.  As a matter of fact I found love shack years ago when I slept with someone on the first date and was in a 1.5 yr relationship with him while he cheated on me the whole time! 

But you never had sex with him and are glad you didn't have sex with him. You may have had all these ideas but he didn't feel the same way about you.  I don't see in this thread where he asked to have sex with you.  Did he come right out and ask you for sex?  If so, you definiitely did the right thing by not doing it because of the way things ended up.  I guarantee he isn't taking this the same way you are and has moved on with his life.  Therefore, don't feel embarrassed about going outside enjoying your yard and patio.  You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  You didn't do anything.

 

[salparadise]

20 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I often thought where this would have went had I slept with him (and I wanted to really bad) but considering he never  asked me on a date ever (heck just take a walk or go grab a beer somewhere) and because he lived sooo close I just couldn’t go there because I was too afraid of catching feelings and getting burned. How could I sleep with a guy who put in such minimal effort?

I'm not saying that sleeping with him was the only alternative. What I'm saying is that if you had communicated your expectations (to date traditionally before getting naked) either explicitly or indirectly, or even set the tone by saying, "hey, how about we go out for burgers and beer," then things may have played out quite differently. Women have plenty of agency, esp. when it comes to dating and sex. You both wanted the same thing, only you had this protocol in mind that equated to feeling respected. Personally I think the guy was dense for not understanding that, or not being willing to grant that in order to... I also wonder why he was so emboldened to carry on with the sexual innuendo. Most men won't unless they're given a cue that it would be well received. Oh well, I'd like to have a dollar for every time things were looking good and then went to hell before we even got started. That's life.

[Hopeful714]

Good Lord doesn’t anyone read the posts?   All the way back in October 2021 he asked thru text if I found him attractive and liked him. I said yes to both.He said I like you too. I’m sure I flirted with him to a point but I wasn’t saying things like “I can’t behave when I’m with you and I want to put my hands all over you”. Also the night I called him out I said I like you, I have fun with you, I find you attractive but I want a boyfriend. To which he replied “I don’t stop you from dating “ lol!

During the make out session last October he said I want to f you sooo bad, I’ve waited 20 years for this. That set off sirens in my head. Before he came over the last time he said “no energy to full around with your cute neighbor?” At one point he asked why we stopped being friends with benefits and I said we never were! So he never came out and asked for sex but because over 20 yrs we had 3 make out sessions that didn’t lead to sex that I obviously enjoyed, he wanted to do the deed! And, I should add that up until he began contacting again in September 2020 he was NEVER this forward ever. Quite a change.he used to be nice which is why I gave him time to begin with.

my ego is bruised because I wanted him to like me. And heck yea I’m glad I didn’t sleep with him because in the back of my mind I knew it could get really ugly messing around w neighbors and because he never did a dang thing for me to feel comfortable enough to give him my body! On a positive note all was clear today when I came home! Yea! Peaceful evening!
 

 

[Hopeful714]

One time I mentioned going to grab a bite and it went nowhere. Looking back over all our convos we had I tend to doubt he ever takes girls anywhere. He actually dated his mothers friends daughter. So I guess what is easy for him he goes for. You guys are great! I’m having having fun now picking on him . Lol!

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

He actually dated his mothers friends daughter.

Wow, I once dated my moms friends son.  Is there something desperate about that?  He was very good looking.

 

24 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

Good Lord doesn’t anyone read the posts?  

Yes I read this below so I responded.

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I really didn’t flirt back sexually with this guy. I avoided it.

 

26 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

And heck yea I’m glad I didn’t sleep with him because in the back of my mind I knew it could get really ugly messing around w neighbors and because he never did a dang thing for me to feel comfortable enough to give him my body!

Well pat yourself on the back and forget your ego.  You did the right thing.  He is very assertive and that is probably what women like about him.  He lays it on thick to get what he wants which is a red flag that you're dealing wth a Player.  As you can see he doesn't mean what he says.

[spiderowl]

I do get the impression he was just a bit of a playboy, OP.  He probably flirts with all the women he finds attractive.  Whether he ever dates any of them is anyone's guess.  There are some guys who flirt a lot but seem to have no idea that this is not the way to get a girlfriend.  However, his comment about not stopping you dating tells you he was only in it for the potential sex.

I am sorry you got to like him because he does not seem to be dating material.  I think you are right in not taking it further with him because he wasn't willing to put any effort into taking you on a date or doing more than text flirty/sexy messages.  You deserve better.

One thing that really strikes me about your posts is that you feel ashamed, belittled and embarrassed.  You are punishing yourself mentally for being decent and for then being straightforward with him.  What is awful or embarrassing about that?  If anything, you were brave and positive.  You were clear you weren't going to be messed about and you told him that.  You should be proud of yourself.

As regards whether or not he likes this other woman, or whether he is demonstrating a lack of care for you by playing with his young relative outside, it shows you are still focused on him more than you need to be.  If you didn't care what he did, you would not be reacting so much.  If you didn't care what he did, you would have the curtains open, you would barely notice him, and you would be a lot more relaxed.  It does hurt to be thought of only for sex.  It is one of those things that I really don't like about guys, that they think this way and have no compunctions about having sex with someone they don't feel more for.  It is a sad fact unfortunately.  

This guy was giving signs very early on that he was only interested in sex.  His flirting was blatant and, from what you say, he does not seem to have made much effort to be a true friend.  He would have been more respectful if he had only wanted friendship.  Personally, I cut a guy off if they start flirting blatantly by text or in person, when I have not given any indication I like that.  I find it disrespectful, especially if they do not seem interested in me as a person.  These guys are not worth your time or emotions.  You put this guy in his place and you should be proud of that.  Go about your life and look outwards not inwards; I feel sure a decent guy is going to come along soon who will make this neighbour seem like a distant memory.

Edited November 2, 2022 by spiderowl

[Hopeful714]

I would think dating the mothers friends is the same as dating a neighbor or someone at work, it all has potential to blow up and get ugly. Kinda like the saying don’t sh*t where you eat!   And btw, the gal he lived w and knocked up (although he says it was planned but I don’t believe it) was a coworker. So he obviously hunts in his nearby surroundings.

[NuevoYorko]

17 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

.

One thing that really strikes me about your posts is that you feel ashamed, belittled and embarrassed.  You are punishing yourself mentally for being decent and for then being straightforward with him.  What is awful or embarrassing about that?  If anything, you were brave and positive.  You were clear you weren't going to be messed about and you told him that.  You should be proud of yourself.

I agree with this, and this is what I'm trying to get through to you.  You have NOTHING to feel embarrassed about.  If you had taken him up on his smooth moves, thinking it would lead to a relationship, I can understand if you'd felt embarrassed - though, in fact, there is nothing shameful about that either.  Just painful to the ego. But in this case, you were true to yourself even though you were interested in this guy.  Really, you should be proud.

The bruised ego I do understand, too.  I realize you wanted something "real" to happen and you feel rejected and let down.  We all probably get it.  But it really is the time to "act as if" you don't feel like it.  Soon enough, you actually will not feel it anymore.  And try not to put energy into ignoring the guy or trying to disappear from view if he's around.  Act as if you own the whole place.  

[Hopeful714]

Thank you so much Spiderowl. I am proud of myself. I feel that for once I did everything right this time and it does feel good. I think too he was a bit shocked by my call out and probably never had that happen before. I played the player before getting played. Chalk that up to years of experience.

when I met the guy he really was nice. I think the last 10 yrs did him in with having his kid so late in life, then the baby momma leaves him and marries a rich dude and there were ugly expensive custody battles. Seriously why would a woman with a new baby leave? Probably cuz he wouldn’t commit. He almost seemed like a different person than I used to know.

And yes, I still struggle a bit in the self esteem department. In this case I think it stems from being older and still single and alone. Even though I know it doesn’t matter. Add a young hot chick in the mix and it does make it sting a bit more. Seriously though if this wasn’t out my window, I’d be completely over it. I’m just going to have to work on myself a bit more.

I did block his number and I’m not on social networks. If I see him out I’m just going to go my way nonchalantly as I really don’t want to speak to him because he’s looking rather slimy to me these days. And yea the whole thing reeks of disrespect. I sure hope a good guy is coming! It would be so fun to sit on my patio next summer w someone who really likes me!

[Weezy1973]

Honestly, I’d chalk this one up as a win. Hold your head high when you walk by him. He doesn’t have the courage to enter a relationship. You do. 

[Hopeful714]

Spot on NuevoYorko. Like I said there’s a bit more work to be done in the self esteem department for me . Also what I learned from this is don’t waste that much time. I should have realized last year this was going nowhere and said NEXT a lot sooner. 

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

I would think dating the mothers friends is the same as dating a neighbor or someone at work, it all has potential to blow up and get ugly. Kinda like the saying don’t sh*t where you eat!   And btw, the gal he lived w and knocked up (although he says it was planned but I don’t believe it) was a coworker. So he obviously hunts in his nearby surroundings.

Pretty much any relationship has the potential of blowing up in your face.  As far as not crapping where you eat -that's another reason to be glad you didn't have have sex with your neighbor or you'd be in that group.  Most men will talk to a good looking interested woman wherever they find her, even at work.  That is why there are so many office romances.

[Hopeful714]

Lol! Yes I guess so. There have been many affairs where I work. And after living here 20+ years I’ve been hit on multiple times by neighbors and even the maintenance guy who is married. Scary world out there trying to find decent men.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I did block his number and I’m not on social networks. If I see him out I’m just going to go my way nonchalantly .

That's a great start. Try to reframe this. He didn't "do" anything to you. It's just unfortunate he lives so close.

Reclaim peaceful quiet enjoyment of your premises. That's up to you. Ignore him that's all. Stop letting him live rent-free in your mind.

[Hopeful714]

Hi again everyone. I’m having quite a problem here. So I haven’t spoken to the neighbor for about 10 months. Almost a year. Basically I just moved on with my life best I could. within these 10 months he apparently has begun a relationship with the girl who lives in the building between us. His kid and her kid are friends. And now I believe they are an item. Personally I think he was interested in her all along but wanted to come over here and use me till he could get her. Glad I sensed that, never slept with the guy and basically told him to leave me alone. 
 

So just for a visual, if you look out my condo there is a small grassy area and then his condo probably less than 500 ft away. Our places face each other’s. They are outside  every day with their kids running around yelling screaming playing etc. I feel soooo uncomfortable. They are right in my face. Tonight they were out there till 10:30. Probably disturbing everyone in the condos because they were so loud.  
 
So I know everyone is going to say just don’t let it bother you. But it does. I feel insecure that I have no one, I’m here alone and this dude is now with this chick that is 27 years younger than me.  I feel like he has said something to her about me because when she sees me she gets all loud like she’s trying to intimidate me.  How can I deal with this uncomfortable situation?  

[NuevoYorko]

You have exactly 3 choices:

1) move

2) keep on having your whole life defined by the fact that this man is your neighbor, living his own life.

3) (best choice) MOVE ON.  I really wouldn't be that hard, if you were willing to do it.  You could have been there by now.  It's been over half a year and you're still choosing to be all wrapped up with his personal life which has nothing to do with you.  WHY?

[Hopeful714]

1) I can’t move 

2&3) I have accepted the fact he never wanted me. I have tried and am still trying my hardest to move on. It’s really not him that is bothering me. But it pains me to no end that no matter what I do no matter how hard I try I am still alone and I am so lonely at this point I feel like I’m dying inside. I am an old single woman  that apparently nobody wanted. And it hurts. It hurts sooo bad. And now I have to see this new couple right outside my windows having everything I wanted but was never lucky enough to get. Yet Another guy that I wanted but he didn’t want me. I seriously am wrecked. My confidence in myself is gone.  I’m tired of being the single one at work, home, among friends. I trust no one anymore. I just feel so lost and miserable. 

[basil67]

I agree that moving on emotionally is important.  And to do this, I think it's time to start taking some responsibility for your part in all of this.  In more recent posts, you admit that deep down you know this was just flirting/a potential hookup, but you chose to keep hanging on hoping for more.  You admit that you also realise that his actions weren't reflective of someone who wished to date you.  I understand you're cross that he knew how you felt, but the only reference to this was the two of you telling each other "I like you" during a flirty exchange.  Truthfully, this falls well into the category of what people who are flirting/hooking up say.   I believe he had no reason to suspect that you had deeper feelings and were hanging on for him.  Further, you're not inexperienced with men, you've seen your share of flirting before and should have figured out after two months of flirty convos that to him, this wasn't going anywhere and mentally moved on.

I'm not saying this to be mean.  Instead, I really, really want you to hit yourself over the head with the proverbial 'sensible stick' and stop seeing him as a perpetrator and yourself as a victim.  It was just two people who wanted different things and you allowed it to go for far longer than you should have.   I understand you feel he let you down, but the truth is that you let yourself down even more.

Have you been doing any therapy to help leave this in the past?  

Edit: I just saw your update.  Do you have any friends?  Anyone who you can go and have a coffee with?  

Edited May 29, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

I understand you’re feeling low but they’re happy. Can you not be happy for others?

This kind of work and self-love really needs to come from within... Appreciate you exactly as you are without feeling incomplete. 

10:30 pm is usually okay for most people especially on a weekend even if a Sunday. Most neighbourhoods and strata/condo living tend to enforce quiet hours after 11.

 

[Hopeful714]

Hate to say it but I am/was inexperienced. I assumed his flirting was genuine until I figured out it wasn’t. I know that now.  I’m not used to dating in these new times of hookups and dishonesty.  I don’t feel like a victim but I am offended. It was hurtful. That someone I knew for so long who I thought was a friend really wasn’t. He wanted me for a hookup. But now he’s together with this girl?  Like who wouldn’t be offended and slammed by that especially when it’s right there in my face. At my home. 
 

In the last 5 years I moved to this new condo and at the time was sooo happy because I was being bullied by an alcoholic neighbor at my old place.. I lost both my pets to old age.  3 of my very close friends died. My Family is elderly and all they do is get ready to die. I don’t think I can afford to see a therapist right now.  I have a few friends left but we are all busy and only get together a few times a month if that. Everything just really completely sucks now in my life.  And now that I see that I’ll have to deal with this neighbor thing all summer long I just don’t know what to do.