Did I do something wrong

[free_radicals]

I dated a woman for 2 months, I'll call her E. I broke things off with E at 2 months just as we were on the cusp of boyfriend/girlfriend. There was a potential dealbreaker I was grappling with for weeks and I decided it's a no go so I broke it off as I didn't see it working out long term. We are both part of a bigger friend and acquaintance circle but me much newer and been getting to know all her friends. Before we started dating, one of her good friends, I'll call P, swiped right on me on Bumble, but I assume just as a joke because she knew me from this common circle as an acquaintance. I liked her back, but also as a joke just to say hello. She's actually an immediate deal breaker so I had no interest anyway. So after we said hey on Bumble, P unliked me and closed the convo, which is cool with me. What I learned later from E while we dated is that P sent a screenshot of my profile to E, which I would start dating  E a month after the screenshot was sent. E told P that she's actually waiting for me to ask her out. P then sends me a friend request on Facebook and I accept. E and I express mutual interest, so we start dating. P and myself never got close as friends while I dated E. We exchanged messages on messenger about 3 times only up until E and I dated. One of those messages was sent from me 1 week prior to breaking up with E. I asked P if she had any luck on Bumble (since as you recall, we matched as a joke 2 months earlier). After I broke up with E, I went no contact for 1.5 months. She never messaged me either during that time. I wanted to be friends with E and join back in activities with our common circle, so I sent the first message to E after no contact (2 days ago) asking if I can continue to join in activities that she leads for our common circle. First thing E texts back is "it's kinda messed up that you messaged P before you dumped me asking her about how online dating was going". Apparently P has been talking about my private conversations with E after we broke up, which is fine, I have nothing to hide. It honestly was just a question to connect as friends, just like I ask all my friends how this and that is going, including dating. But I sense that E thought I wanted to dump her for P,  which is NOT true. I sent a text back to E asking for clarification on why this bothered her, but haven't received a reply. I see this as an insecurity from E as I did nothing wrong and genuinely have no interest in P. What do you guys and gals think?

[Alvi]

Much ago about nothing. Since you are not interested in either of them, so what exactly is a big deal here? Do nothing. Don't send any more messages to E. You have dumped her, leave her alone. What she thinks or doesn't think is no longer any of your concerns. Apparently, P failed to see it as a joke. She took it quite seriously. So, you want to be friends with E again so that you could rejoin her social circle?   Well, it is probably not going to work that way since they were probably her friends to begin with, not yours. Otherwise, you would not be excluded from their circle. You probably have to find new friends. Seriously, leave these two ladies alone.

P.S. Lessons from this: Delete your profile from the dating site once you start dating someone, even if no commitments are made. Matching on a dating site with a friend of the person that you are dating is probably not the best idea. It has a potential to become messy and someone might get hurt. Once you stop dating someone you are not going to be a part of their friendship group. It is what it is.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, free_radicals said:

 I sense that E thought I wanted to dump her for P,  which is NOT true. 

Sorry this happened. What were the deal breakers? How old is she? 60 days is enough time to realize you're not a match so it's good you ended things.

Step back and stop talking to either of these two for now .

Try not to date within your friend group. Keep your friends, male and female, but date outside this group so that it doesn't lead to gossip and messy complications.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not a good look to message your girlfriend's friend asking how online dating is going, no. This is especially true if you're not exactly friends with that person and your message seems out of the blue. 

Anyway, what's done is done. Don't try to join social activities that your ex leads. That't not really fair to her, considering you broke up with her. Try to be bit more understanding of how awkward that would be for her. Focus on other friends instead. 

[glows]

I think you should cast your net wider (than this friend circle).

You sensed correctly, I believe, regarding what E thinks. Messaging P or any of her friends when your relationship is at breaking point wasn’t a good idea. 

I do think E is immature for bringing it up as you’re no longer an item. The point is you are NOT welcome in that friend group and why would you even think it’s a  good idea when you see clearly you have no friendship or loyalty with any of these people. None of them are your friends. I don’t see anyone reaching out to you or wanting to go out and do things? 

Asking E what she means and playing dumb hopefully won’t work. It’s manipulative at this point. Reconsider why you’re limiting yourself to these individuals if they’re showing no interest and are borderline hostile, very uneasy around you.

[free_radicals]

12 hours ago, Alvi said:

Much ago about nothing. Since you are not interested in either of them, so what exactly is a big deal here?  .

I'm interested in staying friends with E. And please don't tell me to find new friends, because I can certainly do that as well. 

Quote

So, you want to be friends with E again so that you could rejoin her social circle?   Well, it is probably not going to work that way since they were probably her friends to begin with, not yours.

Actually i'll clarify. The circle is from a facebook meetup group. Technically they're not JUST her circle. Anyone that meets the criteria to join the group can join it and meet up. New people join the meetup all the time and everyone gets to know everyone. But SHE, along with another guy in the group, started it. 

Quote

Matching on a dating site with a friend of the person that you are dating is probably not the best idea. 

We matched BEFORE E and I dated.

 

[free_radicals]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What were the deal breakers? How old is she? 60 days is enough time to realize you're not a match so it's good you ended things.

Step back and stop talking to either of these two for now .

Try not to date within your friend group. Keep your friends, male and female, but date outside this group so that it doesn't lead to gossip and messy complications.

 

Dealbreaker: 9 pets in her home and counting. Takes in pets she finds or from friends. Too much for me looking at long term.

She 37, me 40.

 

[free_radicals]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not a good look to message your girlfriend's friend asking how online dating is going, no. This is especially true if you're not exactly friends with that person and your message seems out of the blue. 

Anyway, what's done is done. Don't try to join social activities that your ex leads. That't not really fair to her, considering you broke up with her. Try to be bit more understanding of how awkward that would be for her. Focus on other friends instead. 

I understand if it's out of the blue, but there was previous context- we both matched on Bumble but just to say hello because we knew each other. No interest..at least not from me. It may not be a good look, but did I ACTUALLY do something wrong? If I said this is an insecurity on her part, what would you say to that?

Actually i'll clarify. The circle is from a facebook meetup group. Technically they're not JUST her circle. Anyone that meets the criteria to join the group can join it and meet up. New people join the meetup all the time and everyone gets to know everyone. But SHE, along with another guy in the group, started it. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by free_radicals
adding

[free_radicals]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I think you should cast your net wider (than this friend circle).

You sensed correctly, I believe, regarding what E thinks. Messaging P or any of her friends when your relationship is at breaking point wasn’t a good idea. 

I do think E is immature for bringing it up as you’re no longer an item. The point is you are NOT welcome in that friend group and why would you even think it’s a  good idea when you see clearly you have no friendship or loyalty with any of these people. None of them are your friends. I don’t see anyone reaching out to you or wanting to go out and do things? 

Asking E what she means and playing dumb hopefully won’t work. It’s manipulative at this point. Reconsider why you’re limiting yourself to these individuals if they’re showing no interest and are borderline hostile, very uneasy around you.

Actually i'll clarify. The circle is from a facebook meetup group. Technically they're not JUST her circle. Anyone that meets the criteria to join the group can join it and meet up. New people join the meetup all the time and everyone gets to know everyone. But SHE, along with another guy in the group, started it. 

When I messaged P,  E and I were still on great terms and had no intention of ending things.

None are my friends YET because I'm relatively new to the group...see first paragraph above. I'm still getting to know people in the group.

I'm asking for clarification because I don't like to make assumptions. It SEEMS to me that E thinks I liked P, but I don't like jumping to conclusions.

[BrinnM]

5 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

The circle is from a facebook meetup group.

Ah that’s good. Then you can definitely stay in that circle. It’s not like they’ve known one another since middle school or something. It’s more an acquaintance group based on shared interests.

No, i don’t think you did anything wrong. You’re free to communicate with whomever you please. She’s probably hurt it didn’t last. And that has triggered her insecurities. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. She hasn’t blocked or deleted you from the group, or? Depending on how big the group is, you probably have plenty of other options in terms of hanging out with likeminded members on there. 

[glows]

Remaining friends with her isn’t realistic if she’s not wanting to be friends with you. You say she hasn’t replied.

When a break up happens it can be hurtful especially to the person on the receiving end. You broke up with her not because she lied to you, cheated on you or wronged you in some way. She had too many pets and that’s perfectly valid as it means you’re not compatible. I hope you see it may be confusing and even frustrating to be on the receiving end of that. 

I’d put this issue with P to the side and give E some space. You asked the question not wanting to assume but her silence is an answer if she hasn’t responded. She doesn’t want to argue with you or justify her friend’s words. You broke up with her. Why add more grief?

The point is she doesn’t respond to you. You want a response. Maybe you want a response to alleviate the guilt in breaking up with her? It’s called dumper’s guilt and pretty common. Maybe you just want things to go on and life to move on. If she’s not comfortable with that you’ll have to respect that. It takes two for friendship and reciprocity.

[free_radicals]

@Alvi @glows @BrinnM Forgot to add that in the same single response I received, she did say I CAN stay in the group and go to the meetups. But she won't engage with conversation with me.

Edited October 30, 2022 by free_radicals
adding context

[free_radicals]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Remaining friends with her isn’t realistic if she’s not wanting to be friends with you. You say she hasn’t replied.

When a break up happens it can be hurtful especially to the person on the receiving end. You broke up with her not because she lied to you, cheated on you or wronged you in some way. She had too many pets and that’s perfectly valid as it means you’re not compatible. I hope you see it may be confusing and even frustrating to be on the receiving end of that. 

I’d put this issue with P to the side and give E some space. You asked the question not wanting to assume but her silence is an answer if she hasn’t responded. She doesn’t want to argue with you or justify her friend’s words. You broke up with her. Why add more grief?

The point is she doesn’t respond to you. You want a response. Maybe you want a response to alleviate the guilt in breaking up with her? It’s called dumper’s guilt and pretty common. Maybe you just want things to go on and life to move on. If she’s not comfortable with that you’ll have to respect that. It takes two for friendship and reciprocity.

I agree with everything you said. I'm just testing the waters to see IF we can even be friends. I'm not going to message anymore until she responds to my question, if she ever does. But since she's OK with me still going to the group activities, I probably will go. But not engage with her UNLESS she does it first. 

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

If I said this is an insecurity on her part, what would you say to that?

I would say you are wrong, and really lacking in insight. 

1 hour ago, free_radicals said:

I'm interested in staying friends with E.

You have to understand that most people don't really want to stay friends with the people who dumped them. You're not being very realistic. Be friends with whomever you choose, but don't expect E will want to be friends with you. 

[glows]

58 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

I agree with everything you said. I'm just testing the waters to see IF we can even be friends. I'm not going to message anymore until she responds to my question, if she ever does. But since she's OK with me still going to the group activities, I probably will go. But not engage with her UNLESS she does it first. 

It’s better to heed this with care and be respectful of this boundary. You say you’re not going to engage with her but deep down that’s what you really want. 

Just a question here: do you feel you pulled the plug too early ending things and got overwhelmed? Or do you sincerely see the pets as a major issue? The reason I ask is you do seem attached to this woman. I ask to understand if you aren’t certain about your choice to end it. 

Eventually you’re both going to date others and see one another in the circle with plus ones and so on. Are you fine with that?

 

[free_radicals]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s better to heed this with care and be respectful of this boundary. You say you’re not going to engage with her but deep down that’s what you really want. 

Just a question here: do you feel you pulled the plug too early ending things and got overwhelmed? Or do you sincerely see the pets as a major issue? The reason I ask is you do seem attached to this woman. I ask to understand if you aren’t certain about your choice to end it. 

Eventually you’re both going to date others and see one another in the circle with plus ones and so on. Are you fine with that?

 

I wouldn't say that deep down that's what I really want. In fact, I feel insulted by her accusing me of something I didn't do. It's just that we click so well and genuinely think we can be good friends. I hardly click with people on this level, and she thinks the same of me. BUT I will not be friends with someone that accuses me of a crime that I did not commit. What I REALLY want is to keep going to this meet up group with people that I have many things in common with to make friends. 

About pulling the plug too early: absolutely not. This issue been on my mind on day one, thinking sometimes for hours a day on whether this is a future deal breaker. I kept telling myself to keep going and see until I decided that either it ends now, or I drag this for years being in denial. I wanted to give us a chance. I actually experienced being around this zoo by going over to her house many times and staying over a few nights. I decided no way in hell I can live like this every single day when it comes to moving in (as it's bound to happen eventually). I like calm in a home, and this was chaos. I do not regret leaving at all.  

About dating in the circle: actually she has dated at two men in that circle plus me. Others have dated as well. I'm totally fine with this because I KNOW deep inside E is not for me. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by free_radicals
adding details

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

I wouldn't say that deep down that's what I really want. In fact, I feel insulted by her accusing me of something I didn't do. It's just that we click so well and genuinely think we can be good friends.

She doesn't think that she can be friends with you. Let it all go. Nothing much you can do about the situation and the harder you try to prove something to her, the worse it's going to look. It's not like she is contacting you and accusing you of anything, you are the one who is contacting her and asking for explanations. Like I said, let it go. Do a complete no contact with her. Try to cultivate other friendships and relationships.

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

. BUT I will not be friends with someone that accuses me of a crime that I did not commit.

There is nothing in your posts that screams that she wants to actually be a friend to you either. Like I said above, let it go. 

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

. What I REALLY want is to keep going to this meet up group with people that I have many things in common with to make friends. 

Could you contact those people by yourself? Why do you need her for that? Can you create your own meet up group and invite some of them? I don't know, just a suggestion. But keep in mind that they are her friends and they don't welcome you that much or at all on your own without her. On the other hand, why do you want to be around people who  don't want to be your friends?

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

About pulling the plug too early: absolutely not. This issue been on my mind on day one, thinking sometimes for hours a day on whether this is a future deal breaker. I kept telling myself to keep going and see until I decided that either it ends now, or I drag this for years being in denial. I wanted to give us a chance. I actually experienced being around this zoo by going over to her house many times and staying over a few nights. I decided no way in hell I can live like this every single day when it comes to moving in (as it's bound to happen eventually). I like calm in a home, and this was chaos. I do not regret leaving at all.  

Fair enough. The two of you have different lifestyles.

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

About dating in the circle: actually she has dated at two men in that circle plus me.

She was possibly very hurt when you broke things off. Maybe her previous relationships ended on a better terms. Again, this is out of your hands. Better to focus on other things and finding new people to hang out with.  

 

2 hours ago, free_radicals said:

'm totally fine with this because I KNOW deep inside E is not for me. 

OK, if you say so. 

Seriously, you sound like a guy who just want to belong to a club to  which all cool kids attend. But what that guy fails to realize is that a club leader and all the other members don't want him around. You have few choices here:

1. Continue begging her to open the door to her exclusive club again 
2. Find another club
3. Create your own club, the one that you can actually feel that you belong to

Edited October 30, 2022 by Alvi

[free_radicals]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

But what that guy fails to realize is that a club leader and all the other members don't want him around. 

All other members? Show me when I said that. The problem is between E and I. In fact most members do not even know we were dating. 

[free_radicals]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

There is nothing in your posts that screams that she wants to actually be a friend to you either. Like I said above, let it go. 

I did. I will not text her back until she responds, if she ever does.  If she does, then i'll go from there and see if it works out. 

[free_radicals]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

But keep in mind that they are her friends and they don't welcome you that much or at all on your own without her. On the other hand, why do you want to be around people who  don't want to be your friends?

Wrong. It's a facebook group that anyone that meets the criteria can join...I already explained that. Yes she is friends or acquaintance with everyone, but not JUST hers. Group members join all the time (just like I did) and become friends naturally through ongoing meet ups. So everyone becomes friends or acquaintances with everyone.  

[Wiseman2]

If they want to stay friends with you, that's fine. What's wrong with getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and taking to and meeting women who aren't in this group?

[Weezy1973]

No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t expect to be friends right away with the woman you broke up with. It might come back in time, but don’t push it. Give her space. Let time do its thing. 

[free_radicals]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t expect to be friends right away with the woman you broke up with. It might come back in time, but don’t push it. Give her space. Let time do its thing. 

I appreciate you answering the question in a straight forward manner. It's what I've been looking for. Do you think it's an insecurity or something else? 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, free_radicals said:

Do you think it's an insecurity or something else? 

Breakups are rarely mutual. In this case you broke up with her and so she likely didn’t want to break up. Which means she’s grieving the loss of the relationship and possibly hurt that she wasn’t “good enough” for you to put up with her pets. It will just take some time for these negative associations to go away. You’re not going to date the Bumble friend so she’ll see pretty quickly that was never your intent.

[spiderowl]

She has said you could rejoin the group but not engage with her.  That seems fair enough to me.  You cannot expect her to want to engage with you after you broke up with her.  It might be nice for you if she was willing to be friends but it's a lot to ask when it  is not long since you broke up.  If you really want to rejoin this friends group, then go along but keep your distance from her and respect her feelings

The text to her friend a month or so before you broke up with her was an unfortunate matter.  You might not have had any bad intentions but you can understand how it might have looked to E.  Please bear in mind that women talk to each other.  Women friends in particular talk to each other.  Be careful what you say and to whom.

I would strongly advise against swiping that you like someone on a dating app if you don't actually want to date them.  They cannot be expected to know you are only 'doing it for fun'.  Assuming they would understand it that way is a mistake.  You could easily hurt someone by leading them on.  Maybe you really did like P and you were considering dumping E and your unconscious mind prompted you to contact P as a kind of back-up girlfriend?  It's not impossible.  Whatever your intention was, the women interpreted it how it looked to them.

Edited November 3, 2022 by spiderowl