do I end this or ride it out? UPDATE: I ended it and feel terrible

[chickendinner12]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I will try one last time: 

NOTHING THAT YOU'VE SHARED DESCRIBES A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.   Nothing.

He was not your boyfriend.  He had no sense whatsoever that he was in a relationship with you where he was expected to be there for you in ANY way, ever.  He acted the same way he acted for 5 years.  Nothing was different, just because you said more romantic words to each other after you met up at the fair in September.

And then he crashed intermittently at your house for 2, 3 or at most 4 weeks, until you kicked him out.  No different type of relationship ever developed.

Your concerns need to be about yourself.  This guy acted exactly as he has always been.  You're the one who decided that because you WANTED a hookup to be your boyfriend, it was going to turn out well.  Why?  You bring up your age a lot.  We all make mistakes, even when we're older, but I can't quite believe that you don't understand that a 5 year hookup doesn't turn into a "boyfriend" overnight.  

In real life healthy relationships, a solid foundation is built before people move in together.  You built 5 years of hooking up, and that's what you had when he moved in.

 

 

Unfortunately I'm seeing that now. And it hurts tremendously that the only man I can attract is someone who just uses me. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by chickendinner12

[stillafool]

On 11/4/2022 at 12:39 PM, chickendinner12 said:

He said he wanted to be together for a long time. I told him I loved him and it felt like he loved me.

It will take him a long time to get his stuff together and that is what he was really saying.  You told him you loved him but he never said that to you.  You somehow assumed he did even when none of his actions were pointing that way.  He was spending his nights away so he wouldn't be olbigated to have sex with you.  He knew you wanted him at your home, in your bed at night but probably felt like he was giving sex for room and board; which may have been why his sex drive was so low with you.

[chickendinner12]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It will take him a long time to get his stuff together and that is what he was really saying.  You told him you loved him but he never said that to you.  You somehow assumed he did even when none of his actions were pointing that way.  He was spending his nights away so he wouldn't be olbigated to have sex with you.  He knew you wanted him at your home, in your bed at night but probably felt like he was giving sex for room and board; which may have been why his sex drive was so low with you.

I don't know. He would say "I love you" and "I want to be with you," and call me babe, and invite me to take showers with him, and ask if I was okay, and text me good morning, and have sex with me, though not as often as I'd like, but I never pressured it. I don't know, I have so any regrets about this whole thing. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

I'm just stupid I guess. I didn't foresee that him moving in would result in all this. I thought it would be a temporary thing and it would all go fine because my life was pretty stable. But it didn't, it complicated things. We didn't know each other that well to begin with, I didn't know he had these issues with anxiety and alcoholism. There were some nights and some days where things were really good, where we would make dinner together or go for a walk. But he kept on drinking and then started these disappearing acts more and more. I'm just a stupid person . 

Edited November 5, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

It will take him a long time to get his stuff together and that is what he was really saying.  You told him you loved him but he never said that to you.  You somehow assumed he did even when none of his actions were pointing that way.  He was spending his nights away so he wouldn't be olbigated to have sex with you.  He knew you wanted him at your home, in your bed at night but probably felt like he was giving sex for room and board; which may have been why his sex drive was so low with you.

Maybe, but if so, why was he so angry when I kicked him out? 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

Maybe, but if so, why was he so angry when I kicked him out? 

I would imagine that most people would get mad at being kicked out.   But in this case, add the complexities of his substance abuse, poor mental health and the fact he's lost his casual bed.   And of course, throwing someone out is the ultimate rejection.    Of course he got angry

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

Maybe, but if so, why was he so angry when I kicked him out? 

The loss of free rent would anger me too.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

And it hurts tremendously that the only man I can attract is someone who just uses me. 

??? This is the only guy you've ever attracted?  Have you had sex with anyone else?

[FelipeBleichvel]

You need break apart love from attachment.

What is love to you?

You will have your answer.

You can't love others without giving love to yourself first, by the way. Otherwise, the love inside gets dry, without nothing to replenish what was given. (And what is left?). Because, after all, we're another too, in the end. From end to end, to be more specific. It's what the time does. And it's how stories are written.

[Acacia98]

On 11/2/2022 at 11:07 PM, chickendinner12 said:

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

That guy exists. But your odds of meeting him are pretty low because you're so caught up in dealing with casual relationships in general and this guy in particular.

Btw, you're young. I always marvel at posts where people declare their age and dramatically conclude that nothing good can happen to them going forward because they're old. Plenty of folks here are in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc, and they're still living full lives and finding love. 

 

On 11/4/2022 at 2:12 AM, chickendinner12 said:

I was prepared to let him stay with me rent free indefinitely, but his coming and going habits and the drinking messed that up. I am a human with limits, and that pushed past my limit.

Perhaps you were too generous? That's too much to offer a human being who's only present in your life casually.

On 11/4/2022 at 6:04 PM, chickendinner12 said:

I honestly didn't realize his drinking and mental health problems were as deep as they were until near the end when he was disappearing all the time. I honestly thought his housing situation was the only thing he needed help with when I invited him in, but then things just got worse and I realized his problems were deeper than that. Some people are really good at hiding this sort of thing I think.

I feel like you didn't really know this guy... and when you don't know someone, well, you don't know them. It's safe to assume that everyone we meet has a side to them that they don't allow everyone to see. It's wise to assume that everyone potentially has issues. So we should interact with folks cautiously. We should take time to get to truly know them before we welcome them to live with us (if we must welcome them to live with us).

On 11/4/2022 at 7:51 PM, chickendinner12 said:

Everything was with the best of intentions. I thought, "he'll be here for a little while until he's back on his feet, he'll get his apartment, his stress level will go down, his sex drive will go up, and everything will be fine and we'll be together for a long time." But his disappearances, the drinking, the increasing panic attacks. I didn't see any of that coming. I accepted him for who he was and was still miserable. 

You can't say you accepted him for who he was when you didn't truly know who he was. And all those thoughts you had about how he would respond to your help were assumptions on your part. You did not have a conversation in which he committed to changing in those ways.

On 11/4/2022 at 7:56 PM, chickendinner12 said:

I would love to find someone like me who has their stuff together, but I'm not finding them. I have my own home, a job. I'm not understanding why there's not someone like me who is also single. I guess those people are already married and off the market.

At the risk of offending you, I would like to suggest that you do not actually have your stuff together, not emotionally anyway. There is more to having your stuff together than being financially stable and responsible. You need to be emotionally healthy, and the kinds of choices you are making as well as the way you reason about these choices suggest you have some work to do on yourself. Mind you, I say this as someone who has quite a bit of work to do on myself.

On 11/4/2022 at 8:04 PM, chickendinner12 said:

It's hard to be optimistic. I'm 36 about to turn 37. My youth is going. I have no dating prospects on the horizon, nobody expressing interest in me. This was probably the last relationship I'll ever have, the last ride . 

This is an example of what I'm talking about when I say the way you reason about stuff suggests that you are not in the best of places emotionally. 

11 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Unfortunately I'm seeing that now. And it hurts tremendously that the only man I can attract is someone who just uses me. 

Have you ever considered the possibility that various types of men are interested in you but that you are the one who selected the one fellow that would use you?

Edited November 6, 2022 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Maybe, but if so, why was he so angry when I kicked him out? 

I don't mean to be unkind, but do you really not have any idea?

It's because he lost the free roof over his head. 

Look, you are not stupid but you were being willfully naive. I think at your age, you know perfectly well that this wasn't a good idea (moving in a homeless hookup), but you want a relationship so badly you were trying to convince yourself it would be fine. And you puposely ignored  the huge risks involved because you wanted a boyfriend. That is on you. He shouldn't have taken advantage, to be clear. But you are also accountable for your own choices that led you here. It's time to get real with yourself and hold yourself responsible for your role in this. 

I am curious, what have your previous relationships been like? 

 

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

And it hurts tremendously that the only man I can attract is someone who just uses me. 

You mean the only men you’re attracted to are men that use you. 

 

16 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm just stupid I guess.

Not stupid. Desperate. You made up a whole lot of scenarios in your head about someone you barely knew, hoping to find someone that loved you. Your self worth is clearly something you struggle with. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You mean the only men you’re attracted to are men that use you. 

Agree, and more likely what's happening.  Or perhaps it goes both ways.  

There is a saying "water attracts its own level" which I alluded to earlier. 

OP, you need to figure out, on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist, why you are attracted to dysfunction.

It was stated earlier that you yourself don't have your "stuff" quite together either - your emotional stuff.

On the surface you appear fine, stable job, a home.

But internally, and I mean no disrespect, I'm trying to help you as we all are, you are also a "hot mess."

Which is why you attract dysfunctional men.

Start looking within. That's where must answers can be found.  Within ourselves. 

Change starts with YOU.

Love yourself first.  

[chickendinner12]

On 11/6/2022 at 10:23 AM, poppyfields said:

you are attracted to dysfunction.

 

I think that's a stretch. I did not know he had these mental health and substance abuse issues until later when it was causing me the stress that ultimately caused me to terminate the relationship. My problem is that I have a hard time meeting people who are seeking and/or capable of stable relationships. Swiping on the apps is not working. 

Edited November 11, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

Something he said to me after he got his things is that this relationship moved too fast and so he was subconsciously avoiding me.

Everyone seems to agree we moved too fast before getting to know each other (even though I really was trying to help him and empathetic about his housing problem).

But does that make it my fault that he stayed with his friends multiple nights in a row without letting me know that was his plan despite having his things in my home, and getting drunk with his friends 5 times in four weeks instead of spending time with me? Serious question. 

I shouldn't have moved him in, but his behavior could have been better/more decent while he was here. 

Edited November 11, 2022 by chickendinner12

[ShyViolet]

10 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

But does that make it my fault that he stayed with his friends multiple nights in a row without letting me know that was his plan despite having his things in my home, and getting drunk with his friends 5 times in four weeks instead of spending time with me? Serious question. 

Your fault in this is ACCEPTING it.  You can't control another person's behavior, but it's your responsibility to make decisions for yourself and to put an end to dysfunctional situations that are harming your own emotional well-being.  You didn't do that for way too long, you accepted a toxic and dysfunctional situation and ignored red flags.

 

16 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

My problem is that I have a hard time meeting people who are seeking and/or capable of stable relationships. Swiping on the apps is not working. 

I honestly don't think you are ready to date, you are likely to make similar mistakes again because you are still lacking the judgment and clarity to recognize the mistakes you made in this relationship.  You need to get into therapy to work on your issues.

[chickendinner12]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

Your fault in this is ACCEPTING it.  You can't control another person's behavior, but it's your responsibility to make decisions for yourself and to put an end to dysfunctional situations that are harming your own emotional well-being.  You didn't do that for way too long, you accepted a toxic and dysfunctional situation and ignored red flags.

I hoped things would get better. I tried to compromise so both of us would be happy. Once it was clear that wasn't going to work and his issues were deeper than I first new about, I had to listen to how I was feeling and what I needed and based on that did put and end to it, so drop it, shyviolet. Life is more complicated than simply dryly telling someone online they need to end their relationship. 

Quote

I honestly don't think you are ready to date, you are likely to make similar mistakes again because you are still lacking the judgment and clarity to recognize the mistakes you made in this relationship.  You need to get into therapy to work on your issues.

This comment is unnecessary. It should be off limits on this forum to tell people they should seek therapy, it comes across as insulting. 

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

This comment is unnecessary. It should be off limits on this forum to tell people they should seek therapy, it comes across as insulting. 

Not true at all.  People in this forum tell people all the time that they should seek therapy if they feel it's needed.  Instead of getting defensive, maybe you should consider that therapy would be helpful to you.  There's no shame in going to therapy, it's not an insult.  I've gone to therapy in the past.

[chickendinner12]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Not true at all.  People in this forum tell people all the time that they should seek therapy if they feel it's needed.  Instead of getting defensive, maybe you should consider that therapy would be helpful to you.  There's no shame in going to therapy, it's not an insult.  I've gone to therapy in the past.

There is a severe shortage of therapists in this country and not everyone has the financial/insurance means or same access to therapy as you do. That's why it comes across as insensitive to tell people online they should seek therapy not knowing what their situation or access issues are. 

I think if you cared, you would make bulleted points highlighting where you think the mistakes I made and am not seeing are and I would work on those. But I doubt you care enough to do so.

Edited November 11, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

On 11/6/2022 at 1:51 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

 

I am curious, what have your previous relationships been like? 

 

I guess they all started with lots of physical attraction only to find that we weren't really compatible later. But isn't that how most relationships go?

I was never really a stickler about their job, education, finances etc. It seems like I'm never meeting people at the right moment for both of us. The last 5 relationships I've had (met all of them on dating apps):

R - hardworking nursing student and cute but we both let it fade because he had some thorny jealousy issues. He broke into my computer while I was at work to try to find evidence of cheating.

H - An aspiring musician who was very naggy. He was always giving me motherly advice I didn’t want. I have a mom so I dumped him.

L - This guy had some serious depression and body image and identity issues I didn’t know about until later in the relationship. Dumped me and moved with someone he met at a gas station to Colorado. If I’m honest there were times I wanted to end it because the mental health issues were always going to be a thing, that's just how he was. Seemed like he was still trying to find the right combination of meds and therapy to regulate him.

A - I was still reeling from the previous breakup and was extremely emotionally unavailable in this relationship. They were right to dump me because I put minimal investment into this relationship. I wouldn't take them out, wouldn't buy them anything, etc. 

T - The guy we've been talking about in this thread. 

I don't know what all these relationships say about me. 

Edited November 11, 2022 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

Your psychic twin has recent thread here.  Though it's now closed, you might reach out and see if you can offer each other support.  You could practically be the same person.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Something he said to me after he got his things is that this relationship moved too fast and so he was subconsciously avoiding me.

This absolute equine manure. 

If he was concerned about moving too fast, he wouldn't have used you as a homeless shelter to begin with. Or he would have gone to stay with one of his drinking buddies instead. 

This man never intended to get serious with you in the first place. He just wants an excuse to blame you but maybe still you use you as a free hotel.