do I end this or ride it out? UPDATE: I ended it and feel terrible

[glows]

Maybe spend a bit of time thinking about the kinds of people you like being around with, narrow it down to what you need or want to see in a partner. 

If committed/monogamous sex and relationships are what you want, don’t worry about being involved in casual dating scenarios. 

He was someone you knew for awhile but you were feeling lonely.

The most important thing is that this is completely over. Did he take all his things and there’s nothing else to give reason to staying in contact? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

. So what's one thing I could do differently? Like actually steps. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

It may be best to get to the root of the inertia and depressive outlook.

Then, get on some quality gay focused dating apps. There are paid apps for gay men looking for relationships.

Hookups and hook-up apps are like drive thru junk food. It may satisfy an immediate urge, but it's not sustainable.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I mean, I acknowledge I don't know how to find relationships with other people who have their stuff together. I don't know where to look or how to find those people. As a result I don't have one person in my life who wants to do something nice for me. I don't know how to find people who have their stuff together and want a relationship with me. I feel like those people don't exist because I'm 36 and haven't found them. 

TBH you need to look for women to be your friends instead of men.  You say above you don't have anyone who wants to do something nice for you.  The way to make friends is to do nice things for other people and then it comes back to you.  What about your co-workers are there people you can make friends with there?  Church is also a way to meet new people.  You need to get off the couch and get out there and start living life.  If not you'll end up a lonely old lady.

[smackie9]

You ended it because you know in your heart that you needed to....stick with it. 

[chickendinner12]

The worst part of dating my ex was not knowing when/if he was going to come home to bed with me from night to night. I gave him a secure, quiet and safe place to stay while he looked for a job that would give him the paystubs he needed to secure an apartment, he had his things in my home, but increasingly often he was sleeping over at his friends'/drinking buddies' places . Why would you do that? And I wouldn't know that was his plan sometimes until I looked on his social media and saw he was drunk (again). I felt like I was his roommate instead of his partner. And then when I asked him to move his things out of my house, that's when he suddenly wanted to see me.

I am honestly asking, was it too much to ask for him to come home to me each night?

I was prepared to let him stay with me rent free indefinitely, but his coming and going habits and the drinking messed that up. I am a human with limits, and that pushed past my limit.

Edited November 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

The worst part of dating my ex was not knowing when/if he was going to come home to bed with me from night to night. 

He was not exactly your ex, since you didn't have a "bf/gf" or "bf/bf" relationship with him.  

5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I am honestly asking, was it too much to ask for him to come home to me each night?

Yes.  I got the picture very clearly.  You hooked up intermittently across a span of FIVE YEARS.  Then a period of no contact, back in contact in September.   And during September he moved from his car to crashing at your place.  

September was ONE MONTH before you posted this.

From his perspective the dynamic of 5 years of random hookups had never changed.  You casually hooked up and didn't stay in touch, and came back together here and there.

This time, you found out he was a homeless person and let him crash at yours.

He did not think that your relationship status was different from what it always has been just because he was sleeping in your place for a couple of weeks.   Why would he?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Why would you do that?

Because he was using you. 

And also because he generally sounds like a hot mess who doesn't care much about anyone but himself and having a wild old time. He clearly didn't actually view this as a relationship. You were someone who was hosting him, but that's about it. 

You very badly need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem so you don't continue picking rescure projects as partners. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

The worst part of dating my ex was not knowing when/if he was going to come home to bed with me from night to night. I gave him a secure, quiet and safe place to stay while he looked for a job that would give him the paystubs he needed to secure an apartment, he had his things in my home, but increasingly often he was sleeping over at his friends'/drinking buddies' places . Why would you do that? And I wouldn't know that was his plan sometimes until I looked on his social media and saw he was drunk (again). I felt like I was his roommate instead of his partner. And then when I asked him to move his things out of my house, that's when he suddenly wanted to see me.

I am honestly asking, was it too much to ask for him to come home to me each night?

I was prepared to let him stay with me rent free indefinitely, but his coming and going habits and the drinking f*cked that up. I am a human with limits, and that pushed past my limit.

I’m glad you realize this dynamic and hope you’re able to see this and avoid repeating the same mistakes again when dating.

There was clearly an exchange you were looking for - providing him with a safe space free of charge in return for a relationship which is actually all about you trying to ward off your deep loneliness. It didn’t start off with mutual respect. It started like a transaction to help you cope with feeling lonely. 

[chickendinner12]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

You very badly need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem so you don't continue picking rescure projects as partners. 

I honestly didn't realize his drinking and mental health problems were as deep as they were until near the end when he was disappearing all the time. I honestly thought his housing situation was the only thing he needed help with when I invited him in, but then things just got worse and I realized his problems were deeper than that. Some people are really good at hiding this sort of thing I think.

Edited November 4, 2022 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

Why and how did you suddenly consider him to be your "boyfriend"  in September?   As far as I can tell from your posts, it simply hinged on him being homeless and you offering him a roof over his head while he got his crap together.   This is not how  healthy, lasting relationships are developed.  He was still on the same program that you'd both been fine with for half a decade.  Why wouldn't he be. That's what you both established and it appeared to be fine.

[chickendinner12]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why and how did you suddenly consider him to be your "boyfriend"  in September?   As far as I can tell from your posts, it simply hinged on him being homeless and you offering him a roof over his head while he got his crap together.   This is not how  healthy, lasting relationships are developed.  He was still on the same program that you'd both been fine with for half a decade.  Why wouldn't he be. That's what you both established and it appeared to be fine.

It was different this time. We talked and both said we felt like there could have been more in the past but it wasn't the right time back then, and we agreed to be exclusive instead of just a hookup. We both deleted the dating apps. He said he wanted to be together for a long time. I told him I loved him and it felt like he loved me. Then I invited him to stay. Unfortunately this proved not to be the right time either. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I’m glad you realize this dynamic and hope you’re able to see this and avoid repeating the same mistakes again when dating.

There was clearly an exchange you were looking for - providing him with a safe space free of charge in return for a relationship which is actually all about you trying to ward off your deep loneliness. It didn’t start off with mutual respect. It started like a transaction to help you cope with feeling lonely. 

Everything was with the best of intentions. I thought, "he'll be here for a little while until he's back on his feet, he'll get his apartment, his stress level will go down, his sex drive will go up, and everything will be fine and we'll be together for a long time." But his disappearances, the drinking, the increasing panic attacks. I didn't see any of that coming. I accepted him for who he was and was still miserable. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by chickendinner12

[glows]

Learn from this. You went through it so only learn from it. Don’t internalize his problems. Just avoid letting someone into your home like that under the premise that he needs to improve his lot. His situation needs to be decent enough and stable enough to support a relationship from day 1.

[chickendinner12]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Learn from this. You went through it so only learn from it. Don’t internalize his problems. Just avoid letting someone into your home like that under the premise that he needs to improve his lot. His situation needs to be decent enough and stable enough to support a relationship from day 1.

I would love to find someone like me who has their stuff together, but I'm not finding them. I have my own home, a job. I'm not understanding why there's not someone like me who is also single. I guess those people are already married and off the market.

Edited November 4, 2022 by chickendinner12

[glows]

That’s not true. Be careful with self-defeatist or negative loops/self-talk in your thoughts. We’ve all done that at some point but come out of there. Be open to opportunities and join local events or volunteer. Find other ways to express yourself and connect with other people.

[chickendinner12]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s not true. Be careful with self-defeatist or negative loops/self-talk in your thoughts. We’ve all done that at some point but come out of there. Be open to opportunities and join local events or volunteer. Find other ways to express yourself and connect with other people.

It's hard to be optimistic. I'm 36 about to turn 37. My youth is going. I have no dating prospects on the horizon, nobody expressing interest in me. This was probably the last relationship I'll ever have, the last ride . 

Edited November 4, 2022 by chickendinner12

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

It's hard to be optimistic. I'm 36 about to turn 37. My youth is going. I have no dating prospects on the horizon, nobody expressing interest in me.

There are some quality paid dating apps geared toward gay relationships.  Get a good profile and pics on some of them and start talking to and meeting men. Avoid hookup apps. This man was questionable at best. You also need to see a physician for STD testing as well as an evaluation of depressive thoughts.

[smackie9]

Just because things didn't work out doesn't mean it's the end. Have more self worth and confidence and you will attract the right person. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

It's hard to be optimistic. I'm 36 about to turn 37. My youth is going. I have no dating prospects on the horizon, nobody expressing interest in me. This was probably the last relationship I'll ever have, the last ride . 

Doubt it. You are creating excessive drama for yourself here.

Once you've "wallowed" a bit and gotten that out of your system, just get back in the game. Make sure you look as good as possible (to get your foot in the door) and start going to meet ups. Not necessarily only ones for singles, but various types. Engage with people until you find someone who seems to like you and who you also like.

Edited November 4, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I honestly didn't realize his drinking and mental health problems were as deep as they were

That's because you didn't actually know him that well. 

Yeah, he's been a casual hook-up over the years, but it's pretty clear that you don't know him on the level you thought you did. This is why it's important not to dive into something head-first. It's never a good idea to commit yourself to a relationship until you truly get to know someone, over an extended period of time. A month is not long enough. 

It sounds to me like he knew exactly what he was doing by whispering sweet nothings into your ear so he could wiggle his way into your house. It looks more and more intentional and manipulative as you add more details about the backstory here. 

[NuevoYorko]

You need some time to get over this.  After you take that time,  regroup.  If you are serious about developing a relationship, stop with the hookups.  There is nothing wrong with them but IMO they work for people who do not want to be in a monogamous or even other types of formal committed relationships.  People looking for those will actively avoid others who are engaging in casual sexual activities.   They won't take you seriously.  

 

[poppyfields]

On 11/2/2022 at 1:07 PM, chickendinner12 said:

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

Well, if I may be honest, given what you posted in your original post (copied below), it doesn't appear you are or would be attracted to men who have their 'stuff together' and with whom you would be compatible.  Because they certainly DO exist!

For some reason, which at 36 years of age I would take time to explore within yourself or with the help of a professional, you are drawn and attracted to men who are troubled, have mental issues or otherwise hot messes and losers.    There IS a reason for that, I won't presume to know what that reason is although I have a suspicion.

And if you don't get help resolving why you are attracted to such men, you will NEVER find a man who has his stuff together, with whom you are compatible and can offer you the type of life you claim you want.

On 10/29/2022 at 5:20 PM, chickendinner12 said:

Yes, he's a mess. 

But I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met, and I know I will be extremely depressed if we lose touch again.

Bottom line, you are attracted to and fall in love with dysfunction.  Again please explore that ideally with a good qualified therapist if you ever hope to find peace and happiness, on your own and/or with a significant other.

Good luck.

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Stret]

On 11/1/2022 at 12:19 AM, chickendinner12 said:

Today my boyfriend moved out. I asked him to leave because although I loved him unconditionally, his lifestyle was causing me too much stress so I needed to separate myself from it. He has a drinking problem and he only sometimes does he seem aware of it. You have no idea how stressful it is lying awake in bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and stressing about where he is, who he was with, whether he got into another fight or crashed his car or fell and broke his neck all because he was drunk. I couldn't live with that kind of stress anymore. That's why I did this. I hope he understands. He seemed to get it yesterday, but today when he got his things he was really upset. He told me he doubts we'll ever speak again because he doesn't have the desire to. I just kept telling him I love him and look forward to being friends if that's what he wants. 

So that's where I'm at. Today I lost my best friend, and I have to face life without him.

I truly have lost everything. 

I asked my best friend to leave. Will I regret this for the rest of my life?

You must be very young. It is apparent from every sentence in this post and the way you believed everything he said. But rest assured, you lost nothing and he is not your best friend, or any friend at all. His friends are the people he wanted to spend time with. Sorry to say, but it appears that you are not too important to him and he doesn't love you - you are a place to be when he has nowhere else to go. When you love someone you want to spend time with them. But he's been using your naivety and manipulating you from the start. He knew exactly that his sob story will get you to invite him to stay at yours. No, you will not regret this - when you look back at this in many years from now, you will see that you dodged a bullet and you will see what it was all about. You did a good thing kicking him out of your life and now close that door and don't let him back in. Reclaim your peace of mind, and self-respect. You're worth more than a guy that lives in a car. I used to think that someone having own apartment, stable job, etc are not too important but oh yes they are, because they demonstrate how serious a person is and how well are they able to take care of their life. When a guy's life is a mess, he will bring that mess into your life. 

[chickendinner12]

I want to be clarify. I didn't mind him hanging out with his "friends". I tried to be tolerant of that since I'm such an introvert, but he pushed the limit too much: he was hanging out with his friends all the time, getting drunk with them often, sleeping over with them and not always letting me know, leaving me to hang out with his friends . Are my concerns making sense?

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I want to be clarify. I didn't mind him hanging out with his "friends". I tried to be tolerant of that since I'm such an introvert, but he pushed the limit too much: he was hanging out with his friends all the time, getting drunk with them often, sleeping over with them and not always letting me know, leaving me to hang out with his friends . Are my concerns making sense?

I will try one last time: 

NOTHING THAT YOU'VE SHARED DESCRIBES A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.   Nothing.

He was not your boyfriend.  He had no sense whatsoever that he was in a relationship with you where he was expected to be there for you in ANY way, ever.  He acted the same way he acted for 5 years.  Nothing was different, just because you said more romantic words to each other after you met up at the fair in September.

And then he crashed intermittently at your house for 2, 3 or at most 4 weeks, until you kicked him out.  No different type of relationship ever developed.

Your concerns need to be about yourself.  This guy acted exactly as he has always been.  You're the one who decided that because you WANTED a hookup to be your boyfriend, it was going to turn out well.  Why?  You bring up your age a lot.  We all make mistakes, even when we're older, but I can't quite believe that you don't understand that a 5 year hookup doesn't turn into a "boyfriend" overnight.  

In real life healthy relationships, a solid foundation is built before people move in together.  You built 5 years of hooking up, and that's what you had when he moved in.