do I end this or ride it out? UPDATE: I ended it and feel terrible

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

 

 Today I lost my best friend, and I have to face life without him.

I truly have lost everything. 

 

I'm sorry you're disappointed, but can we be a little realistic?  Here is your first statement about this fine dude:

 

Quote

A hookup I saw off and on for five years recently came back into my life in September.

This is NOT your "best friend."  You have been in contact with him for ONE MONTH and prior to that he was a "hookup."   

Your relationship was established over the past five years as A HOOKUP.  That's how he acted when he was using your place as a temporary crash pad.  No obligation,  no accountability, came and went as he pleased, and he was decent enough to do you a couple of favors around the house while he was couch surfing temporarily with you.  You were not a girlfriend to him certainly, and not a real friend either.  Those are the people he chooses to spend his time with.  

Please get real.  

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Will I regret this for the rest of my life?

No, probably not. You may wonder however why you ever let someone like that into your life. 

Give yourself time to put your place back in order and a few weeks to shake this off.

You may also want to explore what caught your attention in the first place - Was it a false sense of intimacy knowing him off and on? Was it helping you cope with something else? Did his need for a roof and using your place trigger in you a need to provide or did you feel secure when you were a provider in that sense? In the end the relationship wasn’t equal or mutually beneficial. It wasn’t meeting your needs and you weren’t compatible.

You let this guy who wasn’t treating you well go. Give yourself a pat on the back and time to move past this/learn from the lessons.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Today I lost my best friend, and I have to face life without him.

He is a “hookup that you’ve known on and off for five years who just recently came back into you life - last month.” 

A little perspective please - if that is your ‘best friend,’ you need to make more friends. 

I wouldn’t even say that he was your boyfriend when you can count the months that he has been squatting on your sofa on one hand. Also, boyfriends don’t stay out all night without telling you where they are.

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

You have no idea how stressful it is lying awake in bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and stressing about where he is, who he was with, whether he got into another fight or crashed his car or fell and broke his neck all because he was drunk.

Actually, we do - that’s why we were all telling you to get rid of him.

Unconditional love is simply a relationship without. boundaries. And, a relationship without boundaries results in one person taking advantage of the other - in much the same way that this man is taking advantage of your generosity. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t even say that he was your boyfriend when you can count the months that he has been squatting on your sofa on one hand.

Actually, on one finger.  

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I truly have lost everything. 

I asked my best friend to leave. Will I regret this for the rest of my life?

No, you have not "lost everything."  You ended a toxic, dysfunctional relationship and you got a very problematic person out of your house.  You absolutely did the right thing.  This relationship needed to end.  You are not thinking clearly right now.  When the dust settles you will realize just how toxic this situation was and you'll be thankful that you ended it.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I asked my best friend to leave. Will I regret this for the rest of my life?

Girl. No. 

This man was using you. He was not your best friend - he was a freeloader who took advantage of your lack of boundaries. This makes me wonder if you have ever had a healthy relationship, because you seem to think this guy was The One when it's very clear from the outside that he wasn't into you like that. 

He also wasn't "facing life" with you, and wouldn't have done so in the future. This was not a guy who cared very much about you nor was invested. He was happy to let you sit on the sidelines while he went off and lived his life without you. 

Avoid the temptation to reframe the narrative as some great love story or tragic loss. It was neither of those, and in time, you will see this. You need to work on your boundaries and self-respect in the meantime though. Something inside you needs attention if this is the sort of man you allow into your heart. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Today my boyfriend moved out. I asked him to leave because his lifestyle was causing me too much stress 

You made the right decision. He was using you as a flophouse. This way you're free to pursue men who want you, not a free place to stay.

[Lotsgoingon]

You need friends. Not just more friends, but friends. And my gut says you need some real goals and activities that motivate you, that turn you on--beyond dating and beyond getting together with a man.

BTW: "unconditional love"--you throw around that term--but be careful. One, I'm not sure there is such a thing except for maybe parents and children and "love" can co-exist with extreme dislike. Lots of parents love their kids and can't stand them.  

"Love" doesn't mean you should be with someone or offer them a home.

Are you open to therapy. You probably have a lot of gifts and talents, I know you do. But somehow they are covered over. And so you're feeling bad about kicking out someone who was plainly using you and wasn't even a good partner. 

[ms.stressed]

Don't help him. I don't like feeling bad for people. Let him stay for a 

On 10/29/2022 at 7:20 PM, chickendinner12 said:

A hookup I saw off and on for five years recently came back into my life in September. We just ran into each other at the local fair and hooked up a few more times before deciding to become exclusive fairly quickly. There were always strong feelings in the past. It was at this time I learned from him that he's kinda down on his luck. He had a roommate who turned abusive so he decided to take all his things and leave there, he said, and was basically living out of his car. I care about him so I said he could stay with me in my house until he gets back on his feet.

The first few weeks things were great but lately things have started to slip and I don't think I'm very happy in my relationship honestly. I'm constantly stressed because he tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but I feel like he spends way more time with his friends than he does with me, and that causes me a lot of mental and emotional stress. If I'm being honest with myself. I think I would feel better if we had a set night of the week where it's just "us" time, but  he's terrible about committing to/scheduling plans. I never know when I'm going to see him from day to day. I don't know where he is at this moment. I don't know if where's going to be sleeping.  He's been having these panic attacks the last couple weeks which makes him even more unreliable. He's against the idea of getting medication for the issue, and insists on using breathing exercises to control it. We hardly have sex that much because the stress of his circumstances effects his performance, and I have a pretty extreme sex drive myself already.

Yes, he's a mess. 

But I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met, and I know I will be extremely depressed if we lose touch again. But I don't know if I can keep doing this. My needs aren't being met sexually or emotionally. I flew out Monday for work, came back Thursday. He cleaned up my house and decluttered it a ton and took care of my pets. But I have only seen him once for a couple hours before he went out to a halloween party after work and then spent the next day with friends again. I dunno what this emotion is (it's not jealously, it's more like feeling lonely in this relationship) but it doesn't feel good. I feel lonelier in this relationship than I did when I was single. 

I've never thought of myself as a clingy person, but is this really a healthy relationship if he's spending more time with friends, going to clubs etc than around me?I was tossing and turning all night and wrote all this up. 

My friends I've poured my guts out to say, give it time. He's been going through some life changes, maybe he'll settle down. But I'm at the end of my emotional rope, the idea of riding it out for even one more day sounds exhausting. Part of me wants to get off this roller coaster. The other part loves him very much and knows I worry about what would happen if I asked him to go. I think about him whenever we aren't together. But then again, we're barely seen much of each other the last week between my traveling and his socializing. I'm torn between giving it a little more time in the hope that things will get better or just ending it. Right now he feels more like a roommate than my boyfriend. Maybe it feels that way because I've been out of town nearly a week, I dunno. 

I don't take anyone back that makes me feel bad or guilty. I need to respect them. If they're life isn't together, leave them alone or give them a time frame to get themselves together. He was probably just using you for a place to stay on the cheap. 

[ms.stressed]

1 minute ago, ms.stressed said:

Don't help him. I don't like feeling bad for people. Let him stay for a 

I don't take anyone back that makes me feel bad or guilty. I need to respect them. If they're life isn't together, leave them alone or give them a time frame to get themselves together. He was probably just using you for a place to stay on the cheap. 

It's about you and your happiness. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I’m curious; what exactly is it that you  love about this man? Is it his instability, his irresponsibility, his disrespect, or his incapabilities? Something else perhaps? 

Are you generally attracted to men who are hot messes Op? 
 

Im actually concerned about the lack of self care and love you’ve given to yourself in this situation. Your vulnerability screams volumes and I sense that you struggle considering your own needs and best interests. You need to do some work on that and soon! 
 

He will be ok OP. No doubt he’ll sofa surf with his drink/ drug buddies. This is a much more suitable environment for him and his lifestyle requirements. 
 

As for you count this as a blessing, learn from this and keep men like him out of your home. 

[chickendinner12]

On 11/1/2022 at 11:39 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

You need friends. Not just more friends, but friends.

That's virtually impossible to find at age 36. That's why I feel alone and miserable right now. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

On 10/31/2022 at 7:23 PM, stillafool said:

He wasn't treating you like his girlfriend or best friend but more like a roommate.  He was hardly there.  You will be okay.  Look forward to meeting a man who will take you out or who likes to stay in and watch movies the way you do.  Someone who doesn't have a drinking problem.  

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

Sure he does. 

But he most definitely is not going to show up when you let a leech like this into your life and try to turn it into a relationship. There is nearly zero chance this would have resulted in your forever-relationship anyway. He just wasn't into you that way. Now you can stop wasting time on a dead-end and start working on polishing up your man-picker. 

Where have you met previous boyfriends? 

[chickendinner12]

On 10/31/2022 at 9:43 PM, glows said:

No, probably not. You may wonder however why you ever let someone like that into your life. 

Give yourself time to put your place back in order and a few weeks to shake this off.

You may also want to explore what caught your attention in the first place - 

Everything about him. He was good looking, and funny, and outgoing and fun to be around. Then he wasn't around much. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

On 11/1/2022 at 1:09 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Op I’m curious; what exactly is it that you  love about this man? Is it his instability, his irresponsibility, his disrespect, or his incapabilities? Something else perhaps? 

 

Everything about him. He was good looking, and funny, and outgoing and fun to be around. He helped me come out of my shell a bit. He would give me compliments. That's when he was at his best. But more often lately he was really down, depressed and anxious because of the drinking. Then he wasn't around much. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sure he does. 

But he most definitely is not going to show up when you let a leech like this into your life and try to turn it into a relationship. There is nearly zero chance this would have resulted in your forever-relationship anyway. He just wasn't into you that way. Now you can stop wasting time on a dead-end and start working on polishing up your man-picker. 

Where have you met previous boyfriends? 

I met them on dating apps. 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

I married again at age 40 so life isn't over for you yet.  This guy doesn't have his stuff together either so nothing loss here.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

That's virtually impossible to find at age 36. That's why I feel alone and miserable right now. 

That's  untrue.  I am 20 years older than you are and met several of my closest friends when I was close to 40 and later.  It's normal.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.   But why spend your time in a multiple year hook-up situation?  FIVE YEARS.  That is a loooong time to keep a hookup going.  Why does this man, who you've only known in the most superficial of ways, rate as your "boyfriend" and "best friend" because you decided to let him move from his car into your house a month ago?

That is serious time wasting.  You probably have some reasons that you have chosen to have interpersonal relationships like this over forging friendships and long term romantic relationships.   It probably qualifies as "self sabotage."  As long as you're spending your time and emotional energy on nowheresville situations like this, you are avoiding anything "real" happening.  You're still quite young and you certainly can change this pattern, if you want to.  

[chickendinner12]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's  untrue.  I am 20 years older than you are and met several of my closest friends when I was close to 40 and later.  It's normal.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.   But why spend your time in a multiple year hook-up situation?  FIVE YEARS.  That is a loooong time to keep a hookup going.  Why does this man, who you've only known in the most superficial of ways, rate as your "boyfriend" and "best friend" because you decided to let him move from his car into your house a month ago?

  

I wasn't hooking up with him exclusively for five consecutive years. We would hookup, lose touch for a while during which time we both had hookups and also relationships in between, then found each other again. 

Quote

You probably have some reasons that you have chosen to have interpersonal relationships like this over forging friendships and long term romantic relationships.   It probably qualifies as "self sabotage."  As long as you're spending your time and emotional energy on nowheresville situations like this, you are avoiding anything "real" happening.  You're still quite young and you certainly can change this pattern, if you want to.

I mean, I acknowledge I don't know how to find relationships with other people who have their stuff together. I don't know where to look or how to find those people. As a result I don't have one person in my life who wants to do something nice for me. I don't know how to find people who have their stuff together and want a relationship with me. I feel like those people don't exist because I'm 36 and haven't found them. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

17 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

 I acknowledge I don't know how to find relationships with other people who have their stuff together. I don't know where to look or how to find those people. As a result I don't have one person in my life who wants to do something nice for me. I don't know how to find people who have their stuff together and want a relationship with me. I feel like those people don't exist because I'm 36 and haven't found them. 

Have you ever had a relationship with a man that felt like it was healthy and you were cared for?  Have you had any close friendships in your life?  

I don't have any issues with casual sex / FWB's / hookups etc.  But I think by this stage you are probably trying to get something within you fulfilled through them which is not going to happen.  And, you are spending your time, emotional and sexual energy on things that have zero importance beyond the exact moments that they are happening.  You're creating patterns for yourself and the longer you practice them, the harder it will be to change them.

I'm not suggesting you "need" therapy but maybe you might want to look into that.  

[chickendinner12]

38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Have you ever had a relationship with a man that felt like it was healthy and you were cared for? 

There were good moments and good days with this guy I've been talking about, where we would be taking pictures together, or watching tv on the couch, but those moments became fewer and fewer the worse his drinking got. 

Quote

Have you had any close friendships in your life?  

Just one with my best friend who I met way back in high school.

Quote

I don't have any issues with casual sex / FWB's / hookups etc.  But I think by this stage you are probably trying to get something within you fulfilled through them which is not going to happen.  And, you are spending your time, emotional and sexual energy on things that have zero importance beyond the exact moments that they are happening.  You're creating patterns for yourself and the longer you practice them, the harder it will be to change them.

You might be right, I've been trying to turn hookups into relationships in hopes that it will cure my loneliness but it's never happened. So what's one thing I could do differently? Like actually steps. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

15 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

 

You might be right, I've been trying to turn hookups into relationships in hopes that it will cure my loneliness but it's never happened. So what's one thing I could do differently? Like actually steps. 

The obvious one is to stop with the hookups altogether IF you're in a state of mind of looking for / building a relationship.   You're using them as a substitute, they're taking up your energy, and giving you a false sense of intimacy.  Most people who are "relationship materiel" won't even bother with dating a person who is currently having casual sexual relationships with others.  

 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm already 36. If I haven't found that person by now, it seems like I never will. I've never found that guy who has his stuff together and likes the same things as me. That guy just doesn't exist. 

what are the things that are the same as you?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

There were good moments and good days with this guy I've been talking about, where we would be taking pictures together, or watching tv on the couch, but those moments became fewer and fewer the worse his drinking got. 

Have you considered that he might have lied to you about why he was living in his car?

It sounds like this man has a boatload of issues, substance abuse among them. It would not surprise me at all to learn that they contributed to his homelessness. In the future, you need to do a better job screening out people who come with red flags right out of the gate. Living in his car was a big one.