OLD- Why would a guy talk to a girl he doesn't find too attractive?

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My pictures are recent and represent me accurately.

BB, if this is the case, then the reasonable conclusion is that any man who reached out to you found you attractive.  Unless your profile suggests you have the means and interest to be a sugar mama (kidding!), the main reason men contact women on OLD sites is because they like how they look!  Men often don't even bother to read what a woman has written, but will swipe just based on the pics. This may be why this guy felt compelled to tell you he is interested in the person within, not just the face in front of him. Beyond this, I can't even begin to fathom why anyone, male or female, would bother matching with someone they did not find attractive!  And knowing all this, I am confused about why the first place your mind went was that he found you unattractive, when it's so much more logical to think of benign reasons for his comments (nervousness being #1).

That said, I am curious about your own role on these dates. Do you compliment the men you meet?  Do you express interest in them?  The sense I get from your posts is that you approach dating as an interview, not as an opportunity to get to know another person, have some light-hearted conversation, and spend an enjoyable couple of hours.  And it seems you want the men to "prove" their interest in you during this interview, while you scrutinize their words and actions for signs of anything less than 100% enthrallment. Aside from the fact that this isn't working for you, it also seems completely joyless.  You want flowers to bloom but you refuse to give them any water or sun.

Be the person you would want to date.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you once again for your posts.

First of all, I fully agree with @mark clemson and @Lotsgoingon: it very much fits the bill if this was a case of negging. It wasn’t just one comment, but multiple backhanded ones, that this man was making- with no provocation at all. He could see that I wasn’t phased by his comments (because I could see what he was doing), so he kept going with them.

Secondly, most of the men whom I go on dates do want to see me again- it is not me that is the problem. I approach dates presenting myself as an agreeable person like I am, interested in getting to know someone, complimenting them on their achievements when they mention them.

But is it a 2-way street? Yes, I need to like them as well. In the past 7 days I have had to reject 2 people both whom were interested in continuing to get to know me, but both of whom did not present as someone who was physically attracted to me. Do they need to faint with lust for me? No. But do they need to find me physically attractive? Hell yes! I’m not sure many of us would settle for a relationship where the person doesn’t desire us, so please could people stop saying I need therapy.

I have had stick in the past on here in a couple of threads where I have made the suggestion that someone might have narcissism, so please stop being hypocritical and suggesting that I have a psychological condition. It is so inappropriate to do that on a message board like this, where we are all a bit stuck and in need of a safe space to get things of our chest without being judged! I will not have that said to me anymore.

Edited October 27, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

both of whom did not present as someone who was physically attracted to me. Do they need to faint with lust for me? No. But do they need to find me physically attractive? Hell yes! I’m not sure many of us would settle for a relationship where the person doesn’t desire us

This is obviously a true statement, it’s also not on topic. Nobody who has contributed to this conversation has suggested that you should date a man who does not find you physically attractive.

What we are trying to say is, it’s unwise to assume whether a man does/does not find you physically attractive from a conversation - before you have even met in person. You may as well be trying to assess whether an individual is a good musician based on the type of music they prefer - “what, you listen to hip hop? You must not be a good musician.”

Look, if something they say or do doesn’t appeal to you - the good news is, you don’t have to date them. You seem to have no problem meeting men online, just move on to the next guy… nothing ventured, nothing lost. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

32 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 

But is it a 2-way street? Yes, I need to like them as well. In the past 7 days I have had to reject 2 people both whom were interested in continuing to get to know me, but both of whom did not present as someone who was physically attracted to me.

Your interactions, as you described them,  did not show any signs that the men didn't find you attractive.  They did, and that is why they wanted to meet you.  In both cases, the guys and you both obviously weren't feeling anything remotely worth pursuing.    But the deal about how attractive they found you appears to be coming from within your own head and then being projected upon them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It wasn’t just one comment, but multiple backhanded ones, that this man was making- with no provocation at all.

Initially you mentioned to him that you get asked the same exact question (quite often) that he initially asked. Then he replied to that.

Are you able to tell us the initial question he asked? That might provide a bit more context.

Backhanded compliments are usually a compliment mixed with an insult like "You look really great. Your haircut makes your nose look smaller." They're sandwiched between compliments.

Nevertheless, if the compliment you receive makes you feel bad or makes you question the person's intentions, then it may have been a backhanded compliment. And if you do not feel good about it then there's little point moving forward. Right?

Take a moment to consider what it is that you are concerned/bothered by more though? 

That it was potentially a put down designed to make you feel bad about yourself or that he's not physically attracted to you? The former is more important in the grand scheme of things versus whether or not this man is or isn't attracted to you.

Edited October 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[babybrowns]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Initially you mentioned to him that you get asked the same exact question (quite often) that he initially asked. Then he replied to that.

Are you able to tell us the initial question he asked? That might provide a bit more context.

Backhanded compliments are usually a compliment mixed with an insult like "You look really great. Your haircut makes your nose look smaller." They're sandwiched between compliments.

Nevertheless, if the compliment you receive makes you feel bad or makes you question the person's intentions, then it may have been a backhanded compliment. And if you do not feel good about it then there's little point moving forward. Right?

Take a moment to consider what it is that you are concerned/bothered by more though? That it was potentially a put down designed to make you feel bad about yourself or that he's not physically attracted to you? 

Oh no only one of these comments of his was from the ‘I get asked that a lot about that picture!’ conversation. There is a picture of me flying a plane since I am a trainee pilot. Many men ask me if that’s a real photo or if I’m truly flying the plane. When he asked the same, I casually and jokingly mentioned this to him. And that’s when he turned nasty and said he didn’t think I’d have that many men showing me interest, that what was he, the 100th man to ask me that comment that day. 

It is a shame since it came at the end of a couple of days of us chatting lots and getting on very well. I really did feel invested in the conversation and excited about talking to this person. I don’t know what his agenda was to follow the nice chats that day with an evening infiltrated with backhanded comments. Why ‘neg’ a woman whose only intention is to enjoy a chat with you, make you feel good about yourself (eg I’d compliment him when he spoke of some achievements) and get to know you? He kept mentioning we get together as well, so I really don’t know why he would risk ruining it and losing my interest like that.

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by babybrowns

[NuevoYorko]

Your example of a "backhanded compliment" from today's thread:

Quote

 ‘There are so many attractive women on here. But I like to look past the eyes, and you appeal to me a lot more than others do on here. Who you seem to be on the inside is what attracts me’

Is not a backhanded compliment.  It was that guy's attempt to convince you that you are MORE than "just another pretty face" on OLD to him.  As I said, it comes off as pretty smarmy and he might say the same thing to every good looking woman he contacts through the platform.   I'm not sticking up for the guy.  But it does NOT imply that he finds you lacking in the looks department.

The last guy made the unfortunate misstep of telling you he doesn't have a type ... again, not in any way casting shade on your beauty.  

I would still very much like to know how that topic came up.  

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your example of a "backhanded compliment" from today's thread:

Is not a backhanded compliment.  It was that guy's attempt to convince you that you are MORE than "just another pretty face" on OLD to him.  As I said, it comes off as pretty smarmy and he might say the same thing to every good looking woman he contacts through the platform.   I'm not sticking up for the guy.  But it does NOT imply that he finds you lacking in the looks department.

The last guy made the unfortunate misstep of telling you he doesn't have a type ... again, not in any way casting shade on your beauty.  

I would still very much like to know how that topic came up.  

Thanks for your posts. It came up randomly; he seemed to be full of compliments for me, but then made it a point to tell me in other words that he cared little for my pictures and more for the personality I project. I even joked with him and asked, what if I wasn’t the girl in the pictures? He said well then I’d just be a pathological liar.

I have to admit to everyone that this has transitioned from me caring whether their man finds me attractive to actually being repulsed by his wish to rain on my self esteem. He negged me with me giving him no provocation. If he can seek to hurt me based on no provocation, at a time when he should be trying to secure a date with me, how on earth can I even think of giving him my time. He is clearly not a secure man to feel the need to bring down a nice girl who seems happy in her skin

[NuevoYorko]

20 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Oh no only one of these comments of his was from the ‘I get asked that a lot about that picture!’ conversation. There is a picture of me flying a plane since I am a trainee pilot. Many men ask me if that’s a real photo or if I’m truly flying the plane. When he asked the same, I casually and jokingly mentioned this to him. And that’s when he turned nasty and said he didn’t think I’d have that many men showing me interest, that what was he, the 100th man to ask me that comment that day. [/quote]

 

That's not how you orginally described the exchange:

Quote

"oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?” 

Which, to me, just shows a weak ego on his part He probably thought he was being original in noticing something unique in your photo and bringing it up, only to find out that tons of guys did the same thing.  You pointed out to a man who was trying to capture your interest that lots of other men also are trying and they actually ask the exact same question he did - so, he's not original AT ALL.  

He felt shot down.  He is probably more insecure than you are.  

Again, not defending him, he seems pretty lame.  But it's very obvious to me how this all went down.  

 

 

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Gaeta]

I don't know BB. It's like you never think you're enough and you think these men would pick someone else if they could. 

Also, I'm noticing you lack a sense of humour! Almost every man l chatted with online suggested l must get a lot of messages, it's their insecurities talking, they want to know if they have a lot of competition. Just play with it! My goodness, stop taking everything so serious!! Yes a man can say something weird at first, you never said anything weird or stupid out of shyness? I would have told that man l get tons of messages so he better hurry to make his invitation *wink*. 

[BrinnM]

@Gaetais 100% spot on. 

[shellzbellz83]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 

I have to admit to everyone that this has transitioned from me caring whether their man finds me attractive to actually being repulsed by his wish to rain on my self esteem. He negged me with me giving him no provocation. If he can seek to hurt me based on no provocation, at a time when he should be trying to secure a date with me, how on earth can I even think of giving him my time. He is clearly not a secure man to feel the need to bring down a nice girl who seems happy in her skin

This seems like you're trying to convince yourself he's an awful person so you don't have to face the fact that you overreacted. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

And that’s when he turned nasty and said he didn’t think I’d have that many men showing me interest, that what was he, the 100th man to ask me that comment that day. 

That's not what he said. i.e. "I didn't think you would have that many men showing you interest." This is the meaning you're assigning to it.

There are times when other people's words can evoke very painful emotions in us.

Think about why his words affect you so much. 

It seems at some point you learned to associate words with meanings, but in reality they are just sounds (or in this case, letters). Your interpretation is up to you. So don't let a little wobble become a derailment.  They are just sounds that you are giving certain meanings to.

There is more to insulting words than just their potential to hurt. They also have immense power to change your life for the better. It may seem a bit didactic, but maybe there is something there for you.

Edited October 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for your posts. It came up randomly; he seemed to be full of compliments for me, but then made it a point to tell me in other words that he cared little for my pictures and more for the personality I project. I even joked with him and asked, what if I wasn’t the girl in the pictures? He said well then I’d just be a pathological liar.

I have to admit to everyone that this has transitioned from me caring whether their man finds me attractive to actually being repulsed by his wish to rain on my self esteem. He negged me with me giving him no provocation. If he can seek to hurt me based on no provocation, at a time when he should be trying to secure a date with me, how on earth can I even think of giving him my time. He is clearly not a secure man to feel the need to bring down a nice girl who seems happy in her skin

His comment didn’t sound insulting at all. I’m referring to the OP of the thread where it was described first. There were a few ways to play off of it and tease him back.  

[ExpatInItaly]

BB, it might be wise to take some time off dating. 

You over-analyze just about evertyhing, and are easily triggered to the point where you seem to look for fault and position yourself as a victim constantly. This isn't healthy for you, and it's clearly not working in the way you approach dating. 

I would suggest taking a break and working on your self-esteem. 

[babybrowns]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know BB. It's like you never think you're enough and you think these men would pick someone else if they could. 

Also, I'm noticing you lack a sense of humour! Almost every man l chatted with online suggested l must get a lot of messages, it's their insecurities talking, they want to know if they have a lot of competition. Just play with it! My goodness, stop taking everything so serious!! Yes a man can say something weird at first, you never said anything weird or stupid out of shyness? I would have told that man l get tons of messages so he better hurry to make his invitation *wink*. 

This wasn’t what happened Gaeta- it is the opposite. I would not be making an issue out of this if that’s indeed what he said, and I likewise have had that said to me before and haven’t taken issue to it.

The point here is that he sounded incredulous: “You really get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must have done well to get this far. What am I, the 100th guy to have asked you that question today?”

Call it over analysing, call it sensitivity, but the underlined part especially does not sound like a person who is worth anyone’s time if he feels at liberty to make a comment like that to them. Either he genuinely didn’t think I’m physically attractive enough to attract much attention on the site, or he sought to insult me out of his insecurities, completely unprovoked. Either way, it is not someone I would continue talking to.

[Weezy1973]

There’s no way to know how attracted to you someone is. And  on top of that our attraction can change as we get to know someone. For those reasons, being even remotely concerned about that in the early stages of OLD is a waste of emotional energy. The only thing you need to think about is whether or not you’re atttracted to the other person and want to meet them, and if that continue to apply after meeting them.

We can’t really know what is going on in someone else’s head. You’ve seen on this thread how different people are interpreting his words. There’s no way to know for sure. But you have admitted you’re over sensitive to the possibility of someone not being attracted to you and it is clear that is lens you’re looking at dating through. You can’t see it, because it seems natural to you. But it is making it harder for you to connect. You’ll always be looking for a sign they aren’t attracted. And as stated previously, there’s really no way to know this for sure.

[NuevoYorko]

I can't really imagine a scenario when meeting a woman for the first time and complimenting her looks would be anything but awkward and maybe creepy.  Like, what?  "Very fetching frock, Barbara"?  "Ur hawt"?   "You have a remarkably nice bosom"?

[mark clemson]

There seem to be a "split decision" on the reads here BB. Whether "it's you" or "it's him" or perhaps both of you, or maybe even neither of you and just some misunderstandings, clearly this one fizzled out.

It's useful to be aware of negging and other manipulative "strategies" that some folks use. And there's apparently lots of dysfunctional people in the dating pool, so it certainly wouldn't be a shock if you ran into one. Also, even a relatively decent guy might succumb to the temptation to attempt to "get the psychological upper hand" on a potential partner, e.g. due to their own insecurities or what have you, without thinking through the negative impacts. Or just be unconsciously self-sabotaging.

But, at the risk of stating things you're already well aware of, it's also useful to take that step back, try not to overreact micro/analyze (particularly with texts), give potential partners the benefit of a doubt, and make sure something's a genuine negative pattern before "pulling the plug". Not saying you didn't do all that - I wasn't there, just something generally to keep in mind.

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

  "You have a remarkably nice bosom"?

Bro - that's my go-to!

[Johnjohnson2017]

His comments to you are strange, like you said they seem like they are putting you down. I'm not sure if he intentionally that's what he mean (to put you down). Maybe he is just clueless. Some guys don't realize that what they say to someone might get interpreted differently from their intent. He might just be naive in that sense.

You just met him and already he is getting in your nerves. You did the right thing by dismissing him.

About the men needing to want you physically... if you meant a man that was all over you right away, you would probably think that he's only after you for sex. If on the other hand, the guy doesn't make any moves and shows you respect, then you assume he is not attracted to you the way you want a guy to want you. So it's either one extreme or the other, which a lot of guys will fall into. Is one date enough for you to determine whether a guy wants you the way you want him to want you? 

[smackie9]

On 10/27/2022 at 3:55 PM, babybrowns said:

Oh no only one of these comments of his was from the ‘I get asked that a lot about that picture!’ conversation. There is a picture of me flying a plane since I am a trainee pilot. Many men ask me if that’s a real photo or if I’m truly flying the plane. When he asked the same, I casually and jokingly mentioned this to him. And that’s when he turned nasty and said he didn’t think I’d have that many men showing me interest, that what was he, the 100th man to ask me that comment that day. 

It is a shame since it came at the end of a couple of days of us chatting lots and getting on very well. I really did feel invested in the conversation and excited about talking to this person. I don’t know what his agenda was to follow the nice chats that day with an evening infiltrated with backhanded comments. Why ‘neg’ a woman whose only intention is to enjoy a chat with you, make you feel good about yourself (eg I’d compliment him when he spoke of some achievements) and get to know you? He kept mentioning we get together as well, so I really don’t know why he would risk ruining it and losing my interest like that.

 

Maybe he is insecure himself.

[max3732]

Just as a guy I never message or match with women I'm not physically attracted to since I don't see the point.

[Alvi]

I think that you are more than likely overthinking this but the two of you are probably not a good match. Different communication styles for sure. Whatever he is telling you (or how he tells it) isn't working for you. Doesn't even matter why.  Anyway, NEXT.