OLD- Why would a guy talk to a girl he doesn't find too attractive?

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I recently matched with someone online (not written about him before) whom I seemed to have lot in common with, and very good conversation flowed. He even suggested meeting up. He is also new to online dating.

However, he started making comments (without being asked) about my physical appearance- which seemed to be little backhanded insults, disguised with innocence.

eg ‘There are so many attractive women on here. But I like to look past the eyes, and you appeal to me a lot more than others do on here. Who you seem to be on the inside is what attracts me’

At one point when he asked me a question about one of my pictures which made me laugh since I get asked that a lot on this site, I casually told him that I get asked that a lot on there and his reaction was “oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?” which seemed to be a little sarcastic and even seemed to have a slight edge to it.

I unmatched this person since I didn’t want to keep talking to a man who made me feel ugly. It is just a shame because we seemed to connect quite well in our conversation, and I liked his vibe. 
This man is also quite attractive and successful (so he states on his profile), so it’s not like he needed to clutch at straws to get a date. I am confused.

I have rarely ever matched with a guy online who makes me feel unattractive in our chat. I’m not sure whether this man was just clueless about the way he was making me feel, or whether he had a slight agenda to talk to girls online and then try to dampen their esteem? 

I am wondering whether I should have given the benefit of doubt, and seen this through a little more before unmatching him. I am feeling sad about doing this because we did have a great chat and connection. But if my thoughts on his lack of physical attraction towards me are true, or his intentions to subtly make me feel this, I do not wish to proceed.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts

Edited October 26, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

Did you read the comments in your last post? I only ask because they all said - don’t make any assumptions or pass judgment on the man before you meet him. And yet, here you are making assumptions and passing judgment on a man that you have never met. 

[] You have a very unhealthy pattern of behavior that is really keeping you from finding what you want. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

There are so many attractive women on here. But I like to look past the eyes, and you appeal to me a lot more than others do on here. Who you seem to be on the inside is what attracts me’

This wouldn’t make me feel self-conscious in the least, and I don’t know why you unmatched him based on this comment, assuming the conversation flew well, and you found him entertaining and interesting enough, which you said you did. If anything, I would find the 100 guys comment slightly annoying, because it sounds low key insecure. But not a reason to unmatch, either, if you had a good conversation going otherwise. Weird move on your part, seriously.

So: Why the unmatching? What did he do wrong? Are you really that insecure? I really want to understand. Maybe you shouldn’t be online dating at all, because to be honest it sounds like you don’t know what you want and who you are. I’m getting a very immature vibe from you, to be honest. 
 

A secure, confident person would take the “beyond the eyes” comment as a compliment.
As in: There are “so many beautiful women” on that OLD platform, but you are the one who stood out, because not only did you look beautiful to him in the pictures, he also thought that you had something special, the “je ne sais quoi”, that made him want to get to know you better, beyond the surface. 
Not sure how anyone would interpret his comment as “he didn’t find me attractive”.

Last time you accused your date of the same thing when he said all his friends like blondes, but not him, because he’s more about personality and character. You sure that’s not the same guy? 
And what do you expect from men during  and before a date anyway!?
That they constantly tell (or write) you that you look like a million bucks? That they’ve never seen anybody that beautiful? Dude, that would get old soon. And most men don’t do that anymore these days anyways, because woman have been complaining for decades about being objectified, so, again, not sure what your specific expectations are when it comes to male flirting & dating behavior. Is there some Disney princess phantasy going on maybe? 

[basil67]

There's nothing wrong with someone a chance if you don't find them attractive.  After all, beauty is only skin deep...and we'll all be old and ugly one day

That said, the fact that he looks to someone's eyes to find out who they are doesn't mean he finds you unattractive.  I would have appreciated this compliment because he shows me that he's not the shallow type who chooses by looks alone.

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

I too would have taken it as a compliment - that there was something about me that caught his attention. 

That, or I may have considered it a chee6 pickup line. Depends on tone and how it was said. I wouldn’t assume that he is not attracted to me - he hasn’t even met me. One can be physically attractive in a photo and very unattractive in person. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm with you on this OP: something seems off about his comments. 

[basil67]

@babybrowns  Is your self esteem based on what you look like rather than who you are?

[NuevoYorko]

If you think that what you quoted was a "backhanded insult," you are REALLY projecting your own insecurities.   I think it was smarmy - I mean, how would he know anything about what you are "on the inside" from pictures and a profile on a dating app?  But, no, it does not imply in any way that he thinks you are ugly, FFS.   

The comment about the picture?  You kind of asked for it, didn't you, by telling him that you get asked that "a lot"?  I'm not sure why you felt like you needed to point that out to him; I suspect it was because you wanted to make sure he knew that plenty of men on the dating site find you attractive, and he probably got that impression too.  That would explain why he acted a little annoyed about it.  

It seems like you want men to be completely stunned by your beauty and ready to fall in love with you because ... you have a good profile on the dating site?  Or you look very cute when you go to meet them?  But that is not how it works.  You have to let yourself be known, and you have to get to know the guy beyond how INTO you he appears to be.

Did you take anything at all away from the last thread you posted?  It touches on the same issues, even if it's not about the same guy.

 

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

There are so many attractive women on here. But I like to look past the eyes, and you appeal to me a lot more than others do on here. Who you seem to be on the inside is what attracts me’

I don't see the problem in these statements. 

1. There are a lot of attractive women on dating sites. I mean, that's the point, right?

2. He doesn't know you from a can of paint. Right now, everything is how it appears since experience has yet to be established.

Quote

At one point when he asked me a question about one of my pictures which made me laugh since I get asked that a lot on this site, I casually told him that I get asked that a lot on there and his reaction was “oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?” which seemed to be a little sarcastic and even seemed to have a slight edge to it.

Was this spoken or a text? If spoken, all you had to ask was "why the sarcasm?" and you'd have your answer.  If it was text, then that is your own mind assigning sarcasm due to your need to be right. I mean, you may be right; then again, you may be reading a whole of what hasn't been established based on unresolved issues from past relationships.

[Alpacalia]

In your conversation with him, you mentioned that you often receive the same type of question (whatever he asked) on the platform. It sounds like he was acknowledging that in his own flirty style mixed with some teasing. 

You did say you get asked that question a lot. Maybe he took that as a slight himself that you said that. I mean, did you specify the reason you get asked the same question a lot? Like, you could have replied "I get asked this question a lot, I don't mind, I think it might be because of x, y, z." That is, unless you mind. Would it be possible to use another picture in that case?

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I unmatched this person since I didn’t want to keep talking to a man who made me feel ugly.  

The best thing you can do is meet sooner rather than later and try not to assess chemistry or attraction based on texts and dating app profiles.

If someone, like this, inadvertantly offends you, then you did the right thing unmatching him.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies.

A lot of you have said that I am a little insecure about my looks, it is more that I need to be with a man who is physically attracted to me. Let me explain why this is such a big deal to me.

I have had a few long-term relationships before, most of which have been great. But several years ago, I got into a LTR with a man whose normal type was white, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was from another country where this is all one saw while growing up, and in his early adult years before he moved away. This man made it clear to me, every day, that he was not physically attracted to me. Even with his words. Being in this relationship, which lasted a year, had a significant impact on my self esteem about my looks. I know I should have ended it earlier, but I stayed for a year, for reasons I really don’t know. I was much younger then and more naive.

Since then, I have been in relationships with other guys who did find me attractive, and this has helped mend the effects of that. But it has shown me how important it is for me to be with a man who does find me physically attractive, as well as the ever-important who one is on the inside.

And yes, in the last 7 days I have had the misfortune of encountering another man who similarly just goes for blondes in all but actually saying it, who made me go on a date with him and then spent it ogling a blonde girl on the table next to us. And then I start talking to this new person online who made these little comments, for reasons I know not. Perhaps the former made me have my guard up a little for the latter, who knows.

I am sad to have unmatched this guy, our chat was great and he seemed very interested. But his evident surprise about him not being the only one to give me attention on the site was a turnoff and to be honest I cannot proceed after that. I am feeling sad about this but I cannot have a repeat of that notorious relationship. Sigh.

Edited October 27, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I have had the misfortune of encountering another man who similarly just goes for blondes in all but actually saying it, who made me go on a date with him and then spent it ogling a blonde girl on the table next to us.

He made you go on a date?

Also, you just assumed that he liked blondes. We also don’t know that he was ogling another woman -

You do project - way too much… 

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

But several years ago, I got into a LTR with a man whose normal type was white, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was from another country where this is all one saw while growing up, and in his early adult years before he moved away. This man made it clear to me, every day, that he was not physically attracted to me. Even with his words. Being in this relationship, which lasted a year, had a significant impact on my self esteem about my looks. I know I should have ended it earlier, but I stayed for a year, for reasons I really don’t know. I was much younger then and more naive.

Get into therapy and address this. Your plan, which seems to be to make every subsequent man declare undying love for and attraction to you before you've even met, is not working.

Every.single.person on OLD has had a prior relationship that went south. If this wasn't the case, they wouldn't be on OLD.  You simply will never have a good outcome until you can approach dating with a clean slate.  If that means taking some time off to see a counselor and address your underlying issues, then do it. Your current method is not working and I would venture to guess will never work until you can approach meeting new people with more reasonable expectations.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

a man whose normal type was white, blue eyes and blonde hair.

As long as you have a few recent accurate clear good photos on your profile, this is not an issue. If someone can get an idea of your appearance from that, they either contact you...or not. So assuming men want this or that type, which you claim is not you, doesn't really work.  Make sure your photos clearly show who you are and uninterested men whose 'type" is some other stereotype won't contact you.

[stillafool]

It's obvious they found you attractive or they wouldn't have asked you out. [ ] 

Edited October 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[glows]

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

At one point when he asked me a question about one of my pictures which made me laugh since I get asked that a lot on this site, I casually told him that I get asked that a lot on there and his reaction was “oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?” which seemed to be a little sarcastic and even seemed to have a slight edge to it.

It sounds more like he was teasing you but it was lame/kind of dumb as in not funny, extremely dry. I wouldn’t be offended but I might have ignored it as nothing interesting. If you wanted to respond and tease him back you might have said yes he barely made it this far and might want to think of other questions. 

I’m sorry this turned you off as it did. You’re entitled to that. I don’t think he meant to insult you. 

[FMW]

These are comments that I can see over-thinking when I'm feeling insecure.  View it through the lens of acknowledging your own insecurity and you'll be able to see it's unlikely he meant it the way you interpreted it.

We can all make clumsy comments that come out different than we intended.  To keep from taking a pass on everyone you meet, make sure your criteria isn't being controlled by insecurity.

[mark clemson]

It's possible he was attempting to use the "technique" touted by some PUA types of "negging" which is something you could look into. If so, looks like it "backfired" with you (somewhat unsurprisingly, IF he was attempting this, as this is a deliberately manipulative behavior and should be a red flag IMO when identified. Also manipulating people psychologically this way is definitely an art not a science).

Edited October 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

You obviously look good enough for men to respond to your profile on the dating sites.  That is all that matters.

I may not need to point this out to you, but being objectively attractive only goes so far.   A person with a nice symmetrical face and a well proportioned body is objectively attractive, but when we meet them in person, the chemistry might not be there at all.  The way a person carries themselves, their voice, the way they smell, their laugh, who knows what, all come into play to build attraction or stop it.  I'm not even talking about "what they're like inside."  This is just initial physical chemistry stuff.   

 

Edited to add:  Did you actually read the comments on your last post?  You didn't respond.

 

 

Edited October 27, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Ami1uwant]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all

I recently matched with someone online (not written about him before) whom I seemed to have lot in common with, and very good conversation flowed. He even suggested meeting up. He is also new to online dating.

However, he started making comments (without being asked) about my physical appearance- which seemed to be little backhanded insults, disguised with innocence.

eg ‘There are so many attractive women on here. But I like to look past the eyes, and you appeal to me a lot more than others do on here. Who you seem to be on the inside is what attracts me’

At one point when he asked me a question about one of my pictures which made me laugh since I get asked that a lot on this site, I casually told him that I get asked that a lot on there and his reaction was “oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?” which seemed to be a little sarcastic and even seemed to have a slight edge to it.

I unmatched this person since I didn’t want to keep talking to a man who made me feel ugly. It is just a shame because we seemed to connect quite well in our conversation, and I liked his vibe. 
This man is also quite attractive and successful (so he states on his profile), so it’s not like he needed to clutch at straws to get a date. I am confused.

I have rarely ever matched with a guy online who makes me feel unattractive in our chat. I’m not sure whether this man was just clueless about the way he was making me feel, or whether he had a slight agenda to talk to girls online and then try to dampen their esteem? 

I am wondering whether I should have given the benefit of doubt, and seen this through a little more before unmatching him. I am feeling sad about doing this because we did have a great chat and connection. But if my thoughts on his lack of physical attraction towards me are true, or his intentions to subtly make me feel this, I do not wish to proceed.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts

 

you are reading way too much into this.  How much of your reaction is your personal biases.

 

that first comment is something he probably uses a lot.  It’s about  the fact that what drives him isn’t looks alone but who the person is.

The assumption in OLD is women are getting a lot of communication requests so basic communication like this can get repetitive.  He’s just referencing that because you’ve probably been asked that before.

 

 

 

[babybrowns]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

As long as you have a few recent accurate clear good photos on your profile, this is not an issue. If someone can get an idea of your appearance from that, they either contact you...or not. So assuming men want this or that type, which you claim is not you, doesn't really work.  Make sure your photos clearly show who you are and uninterested men whose 'type" is some other stereotype won't contact you.

My pictures are recent and represent me accurately. I didn’t superimpose blonde hair and blue eyes onto them, if that’s what you’re implying.

In my last thread, which is being referred to a lot in this thread, I had spoken of a man who kept saying he didn’t have a type both before he met me when we were just chatting online, and when he met me. He carried the same “I don’t have a type but my friends like blue-eyes blondes, just saying” attitude through the whole way. It is nothing to do with my pictures not looking like me, I really don’t see why that would come to your mind based on anything I had written, on either that thread or this one. 

And to all those who posted in the other thread about the recent bad date with the ogler, yes I did read your posts [ ] . I’m glad that a lot of you echoed my thoughts- to not see that man again.

Edited October 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Lotsgoingon]

I had the same thought @mark clemson: the guy's backhanded swipes at the OP reminded me of the Pickup Artist's move of "negging."

For those who don't know about the Pickup Artists' code (that was really big about ten years ago with the book The Game by Neil Straus), negging involves giving a woman a criticism wrapped in a compliment. It is designed to get the woman ("the target" in Pickup Artist objectifying lingo) to feel insecure and thus eager to prove herself worthy to the pickup guy.

For example, the following question seems designed to get the OP insecure about having guys be interested in her.

“oh you get a lot of interest and questions on here? I must be doing well then to get this far. What am I, the 100th person today who’s asked you that question?”

If you don't answer this question carefully, you're putting yourself on the defensive as if having lot of people interested in you is something to apologize for.

The only confident way to answer the above question (an answer that escapes being "negged") would be something aggressive like, "Yes, I am popular and yes, a lot of guys express an interest in me, and many of them are quite accomplished and good looking. So what makes you special?"

 

[NuevoYorko]

Both threads (and others) are really about one thing:  You attributing things to men you meet based on stuff going on inside your head and without even taking the man himself into consideration.   It's probably based on your own insecurities but that might be beside the point.   We are not here to analyze you, though it's been suggested often that you get into some therapy for this.  It's negatively impacting your personal life and maybe professional as well.

The "dating"  issue is twofold: 

1) you never get around to paying any attention to the real person in front of you.  You are too busy trying to analyze all of their words and actions based on stuff you brought with you into the contact with the guys.   And all that matters is how their attention makes you feel - the actual human being that they are is not mentioned.

 2) you aren't letting them get to know you, either, as you are focussed on protecting your ego while at the same time applying superficial "tests" to the encounters. 

It seems that your expectations are that  men are to act  overwhelmed by your beauty and at the same time fascinated by your personality.  I don't  see the parts where you are sharing anything about your personality though - because you are too busy protecting your ego to allow yourself to be known.   You're not giving any of the guys a thing to connect with.  

Sure plenty of people on OLD (men and women alike) are losers, but since you're bothering to meet men, you are going to need to learn how to be ok with getting to know who they are and letting them know you even if it's just for an hour meet up.   So far this is not something you have been willing or able to do, at all.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t superimpose blonde hair and blue eyes onto them, if that’s what you’re implying.

"Implying"? No one knows what your profile photos look like or if you even have any photos on it and my advice stands that recent accurate pics work best . Your accusation that I'm implying they are photoshopped is uncalled for and inaccurate.. My words were if you have recent accurate photos men who are attracted to you will contact you, those who aren't, wont.

Edited October 27, 2022 by Wiseman2