Husband bought one ticket to an event and I'm suspicious

[Grumpy Bob]

Unfortunately you've been so vague about thus mysterious event, that we really have no clue as to the significance.

Nor have you explained why you were already so suspicious of him.
Which leaves us with two possibilities:  Either you have legitimate reasons for being suspicious, and that's what we should be discussing.
Or you don't, in which case you need to think about why you are feeling so insecure.

Ultimately you seem to be imputing far too much into this issue.
Is it your suspicion that he's taking another woman to this event?  If so, why?  There must be actual reasons you suspect him of infidelity.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, mimt said:

 I asked why he didn't tell me. He said he isn't sure if he's going there or not. Said he didn't mention it because he didn't think it was a big deal or that he needed to.

It's good you talked. Next time go straight to honest open communication rather than assumptions. 

Is this a work or charity event? Was it something you expected you two would do together? Or are you upset he's spending money on tickets without discussing things?

[mimt]

So this morning he was extra sweet to me. Full of compliments etc. and made me the best breakfast. He's usually a sweet person anyway. But it was like he was doing his best to show me care and undivided attention. We also met up for food on our lunch breaks, which is something we haven't done for months. That was my suggestion. That was a nice time and we talked and laughed. I'd be lying if I said the bad feeling is completely gone, but I only have his words to go by right?

To answer some questions...

Our marriage has been going very good. There're no stressors or anything, just ordinary every day life. The only thing I can say is, he seems a bit distant lately but that could even be in my imagination. He says everything is fine.  No cheating on either side and we have both always had a lot of trust for each other. 

I wasn't already suspicious, the ticket made me suspicious. Because it's odd to me to buy a ticket to one event, when you're supposed to be at another and not even communicate it. The event is a comedy club. With drinks, after party etc. Not really something I'd expect someone to go alone. The ticket was cheap and that isn't a problem. I don't even particularly care if he doesn't take me. Like I said, we do our own thing plenty. But I usually know about it and it usually makes sense. It's happening weeks from now. So I could even maybe buy if he said he was going to tell me, but that wasn't even his answer. 

 

I should probably drop the whole thing, as I really have nothing solid. Thanks again for the replies. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

I may be the big outlier here, but I can't imagine any scenario when a married person would buy a ticket to an evening event and also get new clothes without ever mentioning it to their spouse.  Plenty of people who do things with people other than their spouses but their spouse certainly knows what's afoot.

What was he going to do when it was time to dress up in his new jacket and go out for the night?  Just say "bye" and walk out the door?  Or would he have explained something on his way out?  Or what?

Also:  I can't imagine any scenario when a married person would see that a ticket was purchased on their spouse's email because it was left open on a family computer (so no question of broaching privacy) AND found out that said spouse bought new attire (not sure how you knew it was for the event, or he just wanted a new jacket?) and not said anything.  I would have immediately upon seeing the email just said "what's up with this?"  I think that would be the normal reaction.  

 

[Mrin]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I may be the big outlier here, but I can't imagine any scenario when a married person would buy a ticket to an evening event and also get new clothes without ever mentioning it to their spouse.

I'm with you 100%. The only scenario would be if he was going to surprise her by taking her. And then he would have purchased two tickets.

Definitely a red flag IMHO. 

[mimt]

What is everybody's opinion on attempting to snoop in this situation? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, mimt said:

What is everybody's opinion on attempting to snoop in this situation? 

You stated you share a computer and that he knows how you came across the info, so there's nothing to worry about. However it s a symptom of poor communication and suspiciousness.

[mimt]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You stated you share a computer and that he knows how you came across the info,

That doesn't mean there isn't anything going on.  I don't look at his things and he doesn't usually leave his windows up on the computer. Also he has a phone that I don't access. I'm not the only one here who sees the red flag. 

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, mimt said:

What is everybody's opinion on attempting to snoop in this situation? 

Typically I am an ardent believer in respecting the privacy of a partner. But in this case, the facts and more importantly his explanation warrant further investigation. I would do some probing. Beware though:

1. It is habit forming

2. If he was up to something then he's probably already cleaning up his tracks. You will need to look at stuff that is harder to erase: phone and cc records 

[mark clemson]

If it were me, I believe I'd be "keeping half an eye on him".

Not sure what "snooping" entails. I'd suggest you try to keep whatever "snooping" you do reasonable. Some things are illegal in some jurisdictions, such as PI's, recording conversations, and going through another persons phone without their permission. So, you may want to look into local laws about what is/isn't legit. Personally I doubt I'd do any of those things anyhow, since if trust is damaged to that great an extent really the relationship has major problems. I'd say just keep an eye out for other "red flag" items + see what happens on this night out of his.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, mimt said:

That doesn't mean there isn't anything going on.  I don't look at his things and he doesn't usually leave his windows up on the computer. Also he has a phone that I don't access. I'm not the only one here who sees the red flag. 

I definitely see a red flag.  My confusion is because you didn't ask him about it instantly, as soon as you saw it.  

If you have been snooping because you have suspicions,  I can't say I'm in favor because I think married people need to bring their suspicions out in the open and give their spouse a chance to explain.  But, failing this, I think that sometimes snooping is necessary.  You need to know what is going on.

And another BUT:  you needed to talk to him about this, and you still do.  I mean, planning on a night out, which you have described as "formal," without including your spouse is not something most married people would do and clearly it's not "normal" behavior in your marriage either.  

Get this all out in the open and you won't need to worry about snooping.  You'll know what you are dealing with.

[IrinaM]

9 hours ago, mimt said:

What is everybody's opinion on attempting to snoop in this situation? 

i think it's a good idea. it sounds to me like your husband is cheating or arranging to cheat on you. this is your life and your marriage and you need to protect yourself. don't worry about being "trusting" or "not nagging" or whatever, you are not beholden to be a "cool wife." Your first obligation is to yourself. Personally i don't think you should have told him that you knew about the ticket. he obviously intentionally concealed the purchase from you, and it wasn't because it's "no big deal."

[basil67]

My opinion on snooping?  I think that snooping only has a place when all other options have been tried.  At this point, you haven't even had an open conversation with him

[Stret]

On 10/26/2022 at 12:33 AM, mimt said:

I still have a really bad feeling and it's unlike me. I'm not an untrusting person

Trust your intuition. His entire behaviour about it was odd. When you brought up the event he mumbled something and went to the other room. This is when he should have told you about the ticket. When you told him you knew about the ticket, he told you something else. He is hiding something/someone. A new jacket he didn't tell you about goes along with the suspicion. Sorry you're facing this prospect of your husband being unfaithful and lying, I wouldn't trust him either. 

[mimt]

I have talked to him about it. He's sticking to his guns. I don't understand. Am I supposed to keep having the same conversation with him, that has gotten me nowhere? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results comes to mind. 

[mimt]

11 hours ago, IrinaM said:

you are not beholden to be a "cool wife." 

Yes. And he knows that suspicion of him isn't in my nature. So he should know any further investigation is due to his behavior. And his lack of explanation. 

[IrinaM]

honesty and trust and openness and communication (etc.) only work in a relationship when both people are doing it. when one person is already being deceptive, there is no "communication," only lies and confusion. @mimthe's already taken your willingness to engage honestly with him as an opportunity to gaslight and manipulate. also, he is now alerted to the fact that you're onto him, and will start being more careful, making it more difficult to find out the truth. don't make the same mistake twice. don't fill him in on the information you have until you're ready.

fwiw I don't consider garnering information about your own spouse to be "snooping."

i'm curious- do you two have kids?

 

 

 

[mimt]

21 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

 

i'm curious- do you two have kids?

 

 

 

No kids.

[mimt]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I do.  I don't think that any healthy relationship would survive one partner covertly "garnering information" on the other one.

 

 

So you would just accept no real explanation and carry on?

 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/25/2022 at 6:33 PM, mimt said:

I told him I know about the ticket and how. I asked why he didn't tell me. He said he isn't sure if he's going there or not. Said he didn't mention it because he didn't think it was a big deal or that he needed to. I then asked why only one ticket? Not only did he not ask me along but not even with a friend or anything? He said I won't be at the formal event with him, so he just got one ticket in case he wanted to leave early and go straight there.

It sounds like you fully discussed everything. It also sounds like once you confronted him he gave you specific details, reasons and explanations. What does he mean by "you won't be at the formal event with him "?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, mimt said:

So you would just accept no real explanation and carry on?

 

Buy your own ticket and show up to surprise him. 

 

[IrinaM]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Buy your own ticket and show up to surprise him. 

 

bwahaha i was going to suggest the same.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, mimt said:

So you would just accept no real explanation and carry on?

 

You gave the impression here that you accepted his explanation.

Why were you not going to the "formal event" with him?   

 

[mimt]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Buy your own ticket and show up to surprise him. 

 

That did make me giggle, so thanks.

[mimt]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

Why were you not going to the "formal event" with him?   

 

I'm not invited. No fault of his.