How do you choose when you love 2 people?

[BaileyB]

I expect that you will lose some friends but I personally wouldn’t lose sleep over it - to be very honest, they don’t sound like great friends. Good luck!

[glows]

This was going to happen anyway. Did you really think you’d keep this regular group of friends or stay closeknit after the fall out with your ex? She accused you of cheating. It’s been nine months since and you’re fearful she’s still not over it and worried about her “perception”.

It’s overdue distancing yourself from this group. Start making new friends and live your life further away from this ex. You can’t please everyone. 

You also don’t owe anyone an explanation about how you became a couple. Absolutely zero. Those who know the two of you will accept it and those who need answers are not friends. It’s none of their business. Let go of that anxiety and move forwards.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Beckybird said:

Fine!
After much soul searching you've all convinced me.
They seem keen on the idea so I'm going to put to them that we try this polyamory thing, or maybe just threesomes to start and see where it leads.
I do love him and don't want to lose him and he does deserve better than what I've been giving him.  I do see how the fairness that I thought was equal was not really.
I'm very nervous.  But I clearly can't continue with what I had.

Unless this is truly mutual, you’ve both already lost each other. This is carrying on under the guise of polyamory and it’s not. It’s betrayal and settling, disrespect and fear of the unknown. You’re not willing to see this or assumed it was good until it blew up and he came clean that he wants another relationship. 

I don’t think either of you fulfill one another at all in a relationship, as an outsider speaking. You’re welcome to see differently and try to make this work. IMO, this was over a long time ago and should have ended when he found out about your affair.

[NuevoYorko]

You have no control over what other people think and you aren't doing anything to be ashamed of. 

Lots of "incestuous" pairing off goes on amongst people in friend groups and there is typically unpleasant drama attached.  It will be uncomfortable but just bite the bullet and have her tell her closer friends.  Go out in public.  

Any of those people who are your, or her true friends will remain so, and the rest - sayonara.  As far as your ex goes, you need to just move on.  Stop giving it so much energy and change your focus to enjoying your relationship and other things in your life.

[stillafool]

Your girlfriend needs to be the one to tell her best friend she is now dating her ex and be willing to say good bye to that friendship.  As a matter of fact you both will probably have to find new mutual friends because those may no longer feel comfortable inviting you guys to parties and events they know your ex wife will attend.  

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Beckybird said:

Fine!
After much soul searching you've all convinced me.
They seem keen on the idea so I'm going to put to them that we try this polyamory thing, or maybe just threesomes to start and see where it leads.
I do love him and don't want to lose him and he does deserve better than what I've been giving him.  I do see how the fairness that I thought was equal was not really.
I'm very nervous.  But I clearly can't continue with what I had.

Why don't you just let him see other women rather than share yours?  Because you are in love with both of them won't it be too painful to see them having sex?  At least if he sees other women you won't have to see it.  When you say "they" seem keen on the idea, does this woman want to have sex with your husband?

Edited October 25, 2022 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

Sometimes you have to make "fish or cut bait" decisions on Ex's and friends in order to turn the corner and get on with the next phase of your life.

Consider have the GF explain to the Ex exactly when things started between you two, so there is no confusion (although sometimes people will see what they want to see/are convinced of despite one's best efforts).

It's possible your Ex sensed her BFF's interest and that in part drove accusations of cheating/her seeing things that weren't there. Some people just get irrational when jealousy's involved. Try to be respectful about her feelings (which is probably all you CAN do as being sympathetic doesn't tend to get you far with people in this "mode").

Edited October 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

Sounds like your gf doesn't consider her a BFF after all.

Why did your ex think you were cheating?

You're right, it IS very suspicious that your ex swore you cheated and then, low and behold, her BFF came knocking on your door -uninvited- confessing her feelings out of the blue, especially since she probably had to be there for your ex after the messy breakup and knows all of the dirt.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Allupinnit

[Allupinnit]

Also, none of us "deserve" anything.  You make your choices and how people react is up to them, it's best if you don't care if you want to live your life in peace.  You probably will need a new set of friends, though.  How could the three of you ever be in the same social situation again?  It would be a total slap in your ex's face.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Stewey said:

It’s been nine months since I split with my ex and we’ve been together just over six months. We know what we have is real and it’s time it came out in the open.

So roughly 3 months after you broke up with your ex her best friend came knocking on your door wanting to be with you?   With that time limit there is nothing that will make your ex (or her friends) believe you two WEREN'T cheating before you broke up.  Maybe you guys should just exit yourselves from this group now and avoid the awkwardness that's inevitable for everyone.

[Stewey]

Thanks everyone. We were just overthinking it. We're just going to tell those that need to be told and what comes will come. 

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Stewey said:

and this would just be ammunition for my ex to use to prove she was right. She’s still adamant I was cheating and still very angry about it.

This shouldn't even matter..... you shouldn't even still be in contact with your ex.  Don't her her control you and how you live your life now.  If she's still so angry, let her be angry.  That's not your problem.

And if you lose friends over this, then they really aren't your friends.

[Stewey]

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Why did your ex think you were cheating?

That's a story I could devote a whole book to. In the end I would say it was just her insecurity. I would even go so far to say she was abusive in our relationship although I didn't see that at the time.

The last straw was when I had to stop giving a young woman a lift to work. She had no car and was using public transport. I literally drove past the bus stop on my way to work. My ex asked me if she was attractive and I made the mistake of saying yes. She wanted to see a pic of her so I snapped one in the car, with her permission of course, and when I showed the ex all hell broke loose. She's too cute, look at her smile, that sort of smile means she wants you, why do you throw other women in my face. That was when it was over in my head even though I stayed about another year. Every day when I drove past that young woman I felt sick in my stomach. 

The things I've found out since we split are horrific. She once rang a hotel when I had to work interstate for a couple of weeks to make sure the room had two single beds. I was going away with a guy but she didn't believe that because his name can be a female name as well so she wanted to be sure. She wanted me to quit my bowling team because we often went for drinks afterwards with other teams and they had women in them. I said no. She didn't like that I was at a bar with other women, some even single, so she sent friends down to just coincidently be there. I mean I saw them, even went over and said hi, but now I know why they were really there.

She even had me followed more than once when I went to visit mom. She lives hours away and it's normally an all day trip, sometimes overnight. I do that about once a month. She had me followed because no-one visits parents for more than a hour and I once told her the next door neighbor used to flirt with me years ago before I even met my ex. She thought I was using the excuse of visiting mom to have an affair with her next door neighbor! She's like 20 years older than me. 

I'm just glad I got out before it was too late. I'm glad we never had kids. And you know what, despite everything I still wish her the best, we did have some great times. I don't totally blame her, I should have been more attentive, picked up the jealousy signs and worked to appease them more. You live and learn. We're all a work in progress.

I'm glad I'm with someone who respects me now, someone who would encourage me to give that young woman a lift, not be irrationally jealous of her. 

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Stewey said:

That's a story I could devote a whole book to. In the end I would say it was just her insecurity. I would even go so far to say she was abusive in our relationship although I didn't see that at the time.

My goodness.  Good for you for getting out of that dysfunctional, awful relationship.

If your friends disown you because of your new relationship then they really aren't your friends, and good riddance.  Maybe it's unhealthy that you still have these friends who have such strong ties to your toxic ex and who are making you feel as though your life is being held hostage.  Maybe the healthiest thing for you to do is to cut ties with them as well and be truly free of this, and make new friends.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, this is strange and people will suspect something or just talk about how odd (maybe "weird") it is to be dating an ex's close friend.

That will happen, as others say, and that will not be in your control. If you want to date her, you gotta accept that you will at first turn heads. You don't want to accept that, then don't date this woman. 

There is no formal statement you can give that will not raise eyebrows. If you were in politics, you'd have a staffer just quietly announce this new relationship or you'd let the press take your picture with this new person and you'd get it out there. You'd let the surprise and shock roll over people for a day and then you'd move on. 

Th more hesitant and secretive you are--the longer you carry on in secret--the more you are actually "acting guilty." And when people act guilty, others often assume they are guilty. And you start to act guilty in your body language. 

But really, you're underestimating how complicated people are. You're treating your friends as if they are in third grade. People know there are weird combinations in love--people get that. 

You and she gotta decide: even you want to be with each other (and accept some costs) or you don't. 

[mark clemson]

Since you're going to try it, consider reading "The Ethical Slut." Despite the title it's a well-regarded book on polyamory and may be of help to you.

[Allupinnit]

Well if she really is that insecure/jealous and you NEVER gave her a reason to distrust you, (like boning her BFF behind her back) you can be sure she is going to be equally dramatic when she finds out her best friend betrayed her and got with her ex boyfriend (and yes, it is a HUGE betrayal in a best friendship). 

Call me jaded I guess, your story just doesn't really add up to me so I take what you say about your ex with a grain of salt.  Two sides and all of that.

 

Edited October 26, 2022 by Allupinnit

[Stewey]

48 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Two sides and all of that.

I'm not saying I was perfect, far from it. But I never cheated, never, not even a kiss, in fact not even a thought. She has plenty of things she could use against me but all she focuses on and tells other people is how I repeatedly cheated on her. Anyway, enough about her. 

[Allupinnit]

2 minutes ago, Stewey said:

I'm not saying I was perfect, far from it. But I never cheated, never, not even a kiss, in fact not even a thought. She has plenty of things she could use against me but all she focuses on and tells other people is how I repeatedly cheated on her. Anyway, enough about her. 

Well then just tell everyone and let it blow over eventually.  

If anything the only thing "wrong" here is that your ex's friend has been lying to her for six months.  That friendship will of course be done.