How do you choose when you love 2 people?

October 24, 2022

6 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I get that my opinion is unpopular but I just can't see it that way. Mt boyfriend is indeed entitled to the same option I have, that is to see someone of the same sex. I cannot see other men, ie the opposite sex, so that should apply to him as well.

Ok. So if he agrees with that, get married, and if he doesn't (which he is not going to) than forget about that.

You've all been carrying on like this for NINE YEARS???!?!?! so I don't see any reason that there has to be a big change. As soon as anyone gets sick of it, they will move on.

October 24, 2022

9 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I don't have a problem with him being non-monogamous, just within the same rules I have, members of the same sex only.

Did he tell you that you can't sleep with other men?

October 25, 2022

I seem to be getting hammered here. I want to try and explain why I feel the way I do a bit better in the hope people understand a little more.

I take on board what people are saying and it's all fair IF it was something new. BUT, all this started a long time ago, the rules were discussed, the rules were set, it's worked well. I stuffed up. I cheated on him, I threw myself at his mercy. He forgave that and he suggested I could keep seeing her, only her, no-one else. He told me he would not have forgiven me if it was a man. We discussed, at length, how seeing someone of the opposite sex was different. He actually feels the same way I do re seeing someone of the opposite sex versus someone of the same sex, or at least he did.

Now because he allowed that I did continue and I did fall in love with her. He knew every step of the way what was happening. He knew I was falling in love with her. He still told me to continue. I am in love with him too. We discussed marriage many times. We were always going to get married, build a future, and I could keep my girlfriend. These were things he said. If he said from the start that he wanted to see other women it would have been a straight out no from me and I never would have continued with my girlfriend.

I don't think it's fair that he now wants to change all that. I get that people change but this change is devastating to me. I'm going to lose one of the people that I'm in love with unless I agree to terms I just cannot do. If I stay with him I don't know whether in the future I will resent that he made me give her up. I totally respect that he can change and that he has every right to ask what he has but that's not much comfort to me right now.

I don't expect support but I hope this helps people at least understand a little better.

October 25, 2022

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Did he tell you that you can't sleep with other men?

We discussed things at length and it was agreed I could see ONLY her. So no men and no other women.

October 25, 2022

Edit: I just read your update two posts back.

Thing is, he made a really foolish decision when you first cheated and the time has come for him to address the inequity in your relationship.

Edited October 25, 2022 by basil67

October 25, 2022

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

the time has come for him to address the inequity in your relationship.

I still wouldn't be equitable. He would be seeing someone of the opposite sex, something that would not be available to me. Not that I want to mind you, but if it's available to him then to be equitable...

He says that is the same because it's one other person each but he knows that I could never give up my girlfriend so anyone else is essentially ruled out.

October 25, 2022

45 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

We discussed things at length and it was agreed I could see ONLY her. So no men and no other women.

I suppose since she's a woman, he does not feel threatened. Nor does he feel he has to compete as he would with another man.

Heck, it may even turn him on imagining you with another woman!

I have read and heard (and know a few) men who DO get turned on by the thought of a woman/woman sexual relationship.

Don't be surprised if one of these days, he asks for a threesome if only to watch you with your female lover.

In any event, if it works for all three of you, I wish y'all the best.

October 25, 2022

23 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

I still wouldn't be equitable. He would be seeing someone of the opposite sex, something that would not be available to me. Not that I want to mind you, but if it's available to him then to be equitable...

He says that is the same because it's one other person each but he knows that I could never give up my girlfriend so anyone else is essentially ruled out.

The genders / sexes of the people involved only really matter because they have to be sexually attractive to whomever they are going to be engaged with. Since your husband evidently is not attracted to men, of course he is not going to agree to have sex with a man.

You are just blocking him from access to YOUR gf because you don't want him to be with another woman ... but he is evidently not sexually interested in men, so why would you want to give him only that option?

I still find it hard to believe that you've been maintaining two seperate relationships for so many years with no issues of any kind. Do you all live next door to each other? Do you have a firm schedule for who is expecting you to be with them and when? Have you ever done nonsexual things together as a group of 3? Do you all enjoy hanging around together? Nobody is seeing multiple people except for you?

Honestly, in the real world the "right" answer is either a polyamorous family group of you 3, or you're all in open relationships where each person can do what they want.

In any case, your husband has laid it out and you have options. On your side - you give no options. You are in the wrong here and you can't have everything the way you want it while allowing the people you "love" to have half a relationship with you, and none with others.

October 25, 2022

I think he wants out and is getting you to pull the plug. This has been one-sided and dysfunctional for some time.

The underlying issues I keep getting from this relationship between your boyfriend and you is one of unease and unhappiness. One of you is always in a jolt and suffering from betrayal whether from an affair/cheating or pulling the rug out from under you and telling you he wants to be with/explore life with another woman.

I usually prefer not going this route but I do get the strong feeling he’s already seeing someone or thinks of someone. The problem is total dysfunction and not feeling as fulfilled in your relationship together - going outside of the relationship to make up for it.

If the three of you were truly poly or had an open relationship cheating never would have happened and everything would have been laid bare on the table with total mutual consent from the get-go. Instead what this sounds more like is that he settled for you in the aftershock and is now coming out of his stupor and feelings of betrayal.

October 25, 2022

16 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I am happy for him to have the same as what I have, the freedom to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. I am not allowed to be with men, he shouldn't be allowed to be with women.

You are allowed to be with any number of different women? That's not what you said in your op:

Quote

it’s either just the 2 of us, or we can include her, or if I want to keep seeing her that he must be allowed to see other people as well.

If you want to keep her "on the side" then just let him do what he wants on his free time. You don't need to ask any questions about the sex, height, ethnicity, etc. of whomever he decides to have sex with. You can handle that.

October 25, 2022

2 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I still wouldn't be equitable. He would be seeing someone of the opposite sex, something that would not be available to me. Not that I want to mind you, but if it's available to him then to be equitable...

He says that is the same because it's one other person each but he knows that I could never give up my girlfriend so anyone else is essentially ruled out.

Emotionally it is equitable.

you aren’t devoting 100% to him. It’s split 50/50 which is unfair to him.

why is it such a problem if he has sex with her? Not some other woman?

or is it because they are just yours?

she was with an opposite sex member while with you. He should be able to while with you.

October 25, 2022

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s split 50/50 which is unfair to him.

As I said in one of my posts trying to explain, that makes 100% sense IF that is what it was from the start. Our agreement from the start was what is was, if it was a 50/50 split that is what he encouraged and he's now wanting to change that. I'll just have to find a compromise that works for us all or if that cannot be found make the hardest decision of my life.

October 25, 2022

19 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

As I said in one of my posts trying to explain, that makes 100% sense IF that is what it was from the start. Our agreement from the start was what is was, if it was a 50/50 split that is what he encouraged and he's now wanting to change that. I'll just have to find a compromise that works for us all or if that cannot be found make the hardest decision of my life.

I still can't believe you pulled it off for 9 years. You had a good run having things exactly as you wanted with zero benefit to either one of them besides half of your energy and time. Are you surprised it is not going to last forever?

I honestly think you will be happier in a "throuple" with 2 people you say you love than pining away for your gf while in a monogamous relationship with your halftime bf. Try to be more open minded. You are privileged to have been in relationships where both your non-monogamy and bisexuality were fully accepted by two longterm partners. Extend some of that openness to these people.

October 25, 2022

I think you need to end with both of them and be single, honestly.

This arrangement is no longer working out and your and your boyfriend's value and boundaries are no longer at all compatible. You won't be able to have them both. Period.

Stop over-complicating it with convoluted justifications. Understand that neither of these two is right for you for the long-term.

October 25, 2022

3 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I still wouldn't be equitable. He would be seeing someone of the opposite sex, something that would not be available to me. Not that I want to mind you, but if it's available to him then to be equitable...

He says that is the same because it's one other person each but he knows that I could never give up my girlfriend so anyone else is essentially ruled out.

Him having a male partner is not equitable because he's not bi. All in all, it sounds like he's fed up with the arrangement and either wants out or to have fun on the side like you do. Both are reasonable expectations on his side

Yes, it may be a hard decision, but life is full of hard decisions.

Edited October 25, 2022 by basil67

October 25, 2022

Fine!
After much soul searching you've all convinced me.
They seem keen on the idea so I'm going to put to them that we try this polyamory thing, or maybe just threesomes to start and see where it leads.
I do love him and don't want to lose him and he does deserve better than what I've been giving him. I do see how the fairness that I thought was equal was not really.
I'm very nervous. But I clearly can't continue with what I had.

October 25, 2022

5 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I take on board what people are saying and it's all fair IF it was something new. BUT, all this started a long time ago, the rules were discussed, the rules were set, it's worked well. I stuffed up. I cheated on him, I threw myself at his mercy. He forgave that and he suggested I could keep seeing her, only her, no-one else. He told me he would not have forgiven me if it was a man. We discussed, at length, how seeing someone of the opposite sex was different. He actually feels the same way I do re seeing someone of the opposite sex versus someone of the same sex, or at least he did.

Now because he allowed that I did continue and I did fall in love with her. He knew every step of the way what was happening. He knew I was falling in love with her. He still told me to continue. I am in love with him too. We discussed marriage many times. We were always going to get married, build a future, and I could keep my girlfriend. These were things he said. If he said from the start that he wanted to see other women it would have been a straight out no from me and I never would have continued with my girlfriend.

I don't think it's fair that he now wants to change all that.

Of course he gets to change the plan mid-course. You did too, you know?

When he started out with you, the plan was to have a monogamous heterosexual relationship. You changed your mind mid-course by cheating on him. He had to adapt to that change. It can't have been easy for him. Perhaps he was so desperate not to lose you that he agreed to open up the relationship. Whatever the case, he pushed himself out of his comfort zone and embraced a new situation.

Now you're being asked to do the same. No one says you have to go along with his suggestion. You could reject it. And if you reject it, you'll probably lose him. That's essentially the choice he faced when he chose to let you carry on with your girlfriend.

So what he's doing now kind of balances things out. In other words, if you're looking for fairness, this is as fair as it gets.

The real issue here is not that he's proposing something unfair. It's that the balance of power in the relationship has been in your favor for the past 9 or so years, and now he's proposing an arrangement that will change that and make you more equal.

Btw, while we're being frank, I think it's worth pointing out that you didn't continue with your now girlfriend because he allowed you to. You continued with her because you wanted to first and foremost. If you really hadn't wanted to continue with her, you would have ended things right there and committed yourself to a monogamous relationship with him. He wouldn't have had to demand that of you. So a bit of honesty with yourself will go a long way towards helping you figure out what to do. Take proper ownership of your feelings and actions. It will help you tremendously.

October 25, 2022

I find myself in a weird situation and as all my friends are mutual friends with my ex I’ve pretty much got no-one to talk to. So here I am.

I was with my ex for 15 years. It was a messy breakup. But that’s done and dusted now and we look forward to the future.

Now the situation I find myself in is that one of her good friends, a woman I’ve had a crush on since before I even met my ex, a woman I thought had zero interest in me, has quite literally knocked on my door and spilled her heart out to me about her feelings for me and how she wants us to give it a go. I dismissed her at first thinking this was some bizarre set-up in collusion with my ex and promptly marched her out the door. She persisted and kept showing up and eventually convinced me she was genuine and we went on a ‘definitely not a date, just dinner’ date. A walk on the beach afterwards and the rest as they say is history.

So now we find ourselves in a situation where we are a couple in a clandestine relationship because all our friends are all mutual friends and there will be one heck of a fallout when this comes out. I was already accused of cheating (I was not) and this would just be ammunition for my ex to use to prove she was right. She’s still adamant I was cheating and still very angry about it. People from our group will naturally take sides, some already have, but being with her best friend so soon after it’s going to look like we were the ones cheating. But we deserve to be happy and we deserve to be able to be together in public, spend time at each others houses etc. It’s been nine months since I split with my ex and we’ve been together just over six months. We know what we have is real and it’s time it came out in the open.

We’re probably overthinking this but what we’re struggling with is how to break the news. Individually or in a group setting? Say nothing and just let people catch on as we cuddle and kiss or actually announce it? Does my ex / her good friend even deserve a heads up before we do come out? After people know do we try to explain how it all come about so as to avoid the implication of cheating or just hope they’ll be happy for us?

I know if people ditch us it’s more their problem than ours but I like these people, they’re friends, I’d like to keep them as friends. If people are genuinely against the relationship and distance themselves then that’s their call, I just don’t want people doing so because they don’t have all the facts.

Thanks in advance.

October 25, 2022

Let this woman tell her friends and soon to be ex best friend. It's silly to skink around as if you two are cheating if it is not the case.

October 25, 2022

9 hours ago, Beckybird said:

. He would be seeing someone of the opposite sex, something that would not be available to me.

Well he's not bi and that's his choice. So since you opened Pandora's box on open relationships, you'll have to deal with the consequences.

To be honest your relationship with him seems done. He wasn't fine with your cheating so now he's doing it back to you.

As far as your workplace lover, this is a headache and heartaches waiting to happen as well.

Basically you tried to burn the candle at both ends and as often the case, got burned in the middle.

Your coworker will go back to her BF and your BF will find and fall in love with someone who loves and respects him.

It may be time for therapy to explore and examine what you want as far as relationship arrangements and sexuality.

October 25, 2022

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's silly to skink around as if you two are cheating if it is not the case.

Perception is powerful. We know we did nothing wrong, unless of course you hold true to the idea that exes are off limits. I just fear the perception will be that we were cheating and apart from the bad name it would give us it means a group we've been a part of for many years disappears. Not the end of the world but still something to avoid if possible. As I said, we're probably just overthinking it.

October 25, 2022

4 minutes ago, Stewey said:

. I just fear the perception will be that we were cheating and apart from the bad name it would give us.

Your new lover needs to tell her friends so that's about it. It will come out sooner or later so pretending is just a game. Or perhaps since it may be a rebound situation and may not last anyway you can keep it hidden until it ultimately fizzles anyway. If you two weren't cheating it has nothing to do with "perception" in fact why are you two so afraid of your ex and friends?

October 25, 2022

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

why are you two so afraid of your ex and friends?

My ex is nuts. She had all but convinced most of them that I was cheating. It's taken quite a while to get people back on side and believe me. Now the fact we've hidden our relationship, totally our fault we get that, will make it all look like a lie, look like we're deceptive. At least that's our worry. I think we'll just do as you say, tell and deal with what comes. I guess we were just hoping for some magic unicorn advice.

October 25, 2022

You won't be able to control others' perception. The most you can do is disspell the rumour that you cheated, and keep moving.

It will be up to others if they choose to believe you or to support your relationship. You will probably lose some friends over this, since it doesn't look great. But again, there is little you can do about that. I would not make it awkward by having some announcement in front of a group. Let people figure it out for themselves as you naturally take things public. Those who want to know the truth will be the ones who approach you to clarify.

The rest will be the price for starting a relationship with someone this close to your ex. As you know, some will never stand behind that. That's their prerogative, just as it's your prerogative to move on with whomever you want.

October 25, 2022

30 minutes ago, Stewey said:

My ex is nuts. She had all but convinced most of them that I was cheating. It's taken quite a while to get people back on side and believe me.

Why let your "crazy" ex keep controlling you? At some point you'll have to live your own life regardless of what she thinks or gossips about.

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